My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-21-2013, 09:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

We have two kids 13 yo boy and 11 yo girl. we have been married 18+ years. He had an affair that he said only lasted a couple months and that it ended July 2012. I believe it was longer - almost 2 years and that it might still be going on. I know he loves me and our family, but he is struggling with what to do. He recently got an apt and stays there occasionally to "think" Do i try the 180? I'm afraid that will just push him to her. If we were to divorce we would lose our house and I just know their relationship wouldn't work...it's not based in reality. How do i get him to see that his family is what he needs to choose without being too needy? He tells me he loves me and wants to salvage our family and then he flip flops on that and becomes distant. He is on medication for depression and is seeing a counselor on and off and we are in marriage counseling. i just don't think he is being honest about the affair and that he might still have feelings for her...(she was married when the affair started and is now divorced.)

any advice would be soo appreciated!
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:01 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

Is she married? Have you exposed the affair to his family as well as hers?
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:03 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

I'm a personal believer that a long term physical affair (meaning multiple encounters) is a deal breaker in a relationship. What I mean is that that there is no coming back from it; the betrayal and deceit runs too deep to allow you to maintain any self respect by staying in the relationship. However, everyone is different and I'm told that my feelings on this don't apply to the majority of people (who knows?). Anyway, another thing I have a problem with is a WS struggling to choose between an AP and their BS. I also have strong feelings about this. The only opportunity I will give my partner to choose between me and anyone else is the day I asked her to marry me. If she feels the need to choose again between me and another person after we are married, I'll make the choice simple for her: "You can have him, get the f**k out".

What I am saying is, don't allow your self to be a choice. You are not a "Plan B". If you really feel that he is still hooked on her, do the 180 and force him to take a stand, if that's what you want. Just don't be a doormat. I understand the need to stay together for financial reasons but that's just a horrible way to live if in the back of your mind you believe that you are your husband's second choice and that you can't trust him.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:04 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

She is no longer married. Not sure but I think the divorce happened during her affair with my husband. i have not revealed it to anyone. I know who she is (not before the affair) but have not contacted her either.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

Kick him out. He already made his choice when he got the apartment. People can "think" for free at the library, or the park.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

No; he isn't being honest with you and does still have feelings for her. He won't be able to just shut them off so quickly.

It is hard to accept; but he is going to have to choose what to do himself. You certainly will lay down what needs to happen from here, but ultimately if he is not willing to give her up, then your marriage will not survive. Right now he is being deceptive-the distance and unable to choose between you and her is what gives it away.

It isn't good that he has an apartment where is goes to "think." He is more than likely seeing his affair partner and meeting her there.

I feel for you-don't you just want to wake him up and have him accept that this woman is not worth losing his family for? I can relate to this as it is what I wanted to do. Again though you can not "make" anyone feel what you want them to.

There will be be lots of good advice for you when others respond.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

I really think that he feels guilty about this and doesn't want to lose his family. just not sure though How do you even do the 180?
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:09 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

His apartment isn't for "thinking". It's for fvcking the OW.

You can't win him back by being nice.

First, you have to ensure the affair is over by killing it once and for all.

1.) Expose the affair to his friends/family, your friends/ family, and the OW's husband/boyfriend.

2.) Play hardball. It's either you or her. He ends all contact with OW and commits to your marriage. That means being completely transparent, and showing remorse for taking a big sh!t on you and your kids.

3.) He moves back home permanently. No more apartment/love shack.

4.) You control the terms. He cheated, not you. He lied and lied, not you.

5.) Speak with an attorney to educate yourself on the divorce laws in your state.

6.) File for divorce, and get a separation agreement showing how much child support and spousal support he will be paying you every month. Divorce takes a long time, but the act of filing with be a hard slap of reality. You can always call it off if he wants to reconcile, and you're willing to take him back.

In all of this, do not be a doormat. Make it very clear that you will not accept his behavior and cheating ways. He fixes it or you and the kids are gone. Who cares about your house. You can get another one.

Judge him by his actions. Telling you he "loves you" is a crock. His actions are saying exactly the opposite.

Some more details on when and how the affair started would help. Who is the OW? How did they meet? How did your husband react when you caught him?
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

It's really hard for you to hear I know, but you need to force his decision by dumping him. He chose her by cheating on you. He will not come back to you because you are being nice. He may come crawling back if you dump him.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

Well first let me say I completely agree with Middleman. I would not allow myself to be Plan B. I would NOT wait in the wings with our children while he vascillates the pros and cons of each relationship. I'd decide for him. But as MM said, everyone is different. Youre asking us how to deal with this and get his attention, yes?

Absolute first thing to do is - EXPOSE this debachery to anyone and everyone who means anything to either of them. His parents, his siblings, the pastor- who ever matters to HIM. As for her- the same applies. NOTHING ruins the fantasy like reality. Break up the 'fun' with a cold hard dose of it. Exposure goes a long way in ruining the excitement of the "secret".

Secondly, complete 180. No back and forth. He's got an apartment- let him stay there. Basically what youre doiong right now is letting him have you one night and her another- cake eating to the extreme!

Third, file for D! D takes a long time. You can stop it at any time. But Nothing says "BS-IM not your doormat" like D papers. But dont file and not mean it. If you file be prepared to carry it out but with the hopes that you wont need to. Sometimes a 2x4 to the head is needed to bring them out of the fog a bit.

I know this is hard to imagine but what you are doing is completely unattractive to him. He sees you as weak and powerless. SHE has all the control. You are accepting crumbs from YOUR H. Accepting whatever SHE leaves you. HE sees this as a total turnoff. STOP! Stand up for yourself and your children. Tell him NO MORE! See how his attitude changes. Right now why would he change anything while you are ALLOWING this BS to go on???? Why? YOU are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.

Last edited by canttrustu; 01-21-2013 at 10:21 AM.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

I really think that he feels guilty about this and doesn't want to lose his family.

Yes he feels guilty and he should! He is going to lose his family if he doesn't stop his affair. That is not on you, not your issue-it is HIS! He can not have it both ways. Stop allowing this behavior from him as you are worth so much more than how he is disrespecting you.

He is not the person you once knew and I know it hurts, but for your children and yourself tell him you are no longer going to tolerate this indecisiveness. He needs to know exactly what his is going to lose if this affair continues. Stay strong and you can do this!
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

We live in VA and he showed me a worksheet for child support (I have have been home the last 9 years) and only just got a job (very low pay - can't live on it) 2 months ago. he makes over 100K and the worksheet states that he will only have to pay 347/mo there is no way we can live on that.

He also says that he wants the kids 47% of the time. he had the affair, but if he has the kids that amt of time he won't have to pay much in support. He is a police detective and has already received advise from lawyers, etc. feel very disadvantaged. I did talk to a lawyer, but my ultimate hope is to keep our family together it will destroy our children. they are very attached to him. we also live in a very small town...so that is another angle that will just make it so hard.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:22 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

In most cases the WSO is not actually in love with their AP. They love the feeling they get from the AP. They know on some level it is just a fantasy, and the AP is not a better choice than their BSO. That being said they are also in the process of emotionally disconecting from their BSO. They may or may not connect with the AP. Usually they do not because the WSO or AP is not able to maintain the fantasy once the support provided by the BSO is removed.

If the A is caught before they completely disconnect from the BSO and are forced to make a choice, they will end the fantasy.

If the WSO has disconnected from their BSO the A may continue regardless of the BSOs actions.

If the WSO has not been forced to make a choice the process will continue until the WSO is forced to make a choice, or has completely disconnected from their BSO.

Just some things I have learned that took me a long time to find out. I hope to save you some time frustration and pain.

My wife had an online EA with a complete stranger. She never met him in person. The pain was every bit as real as if she had been with him all that time.

1. The pain from an affair is from the betrayal, and the feelings of rejection. I don't believe the type matters much outside of your perception of the betrayal.

2. Your husband did not love the other woman. He was drawn to the feeling he got from the affair. He may or may not know this yet. He was living a fantasy life. It was not a rejection of you.

3. Do not compare yourself to the other woman. There is absolutely no point in it. His perceptions of her were illusions created by the feeling he got from the affair.

Do not make any decisions about anything at all right now. Instead you should

1. Cry as hard as you can when you feel like crying.

2. Yell as hard as you can when you feel like yelling.

3. Be completely honest with your husband about everything, and demand the same from him.

As much as you are able you should

1. Workout.

2. Eat right.

3. Dress well.

4. Grooming of any kind.

Make yourself feel as good as you can about yourself.

Drop any expectations you had for the next two years of your life.


He can show you that scale all he wants. That doesn't mean that's what will play out in court.
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

As long as you are held hostage by your fear of losing this man, you will not be capable to doing what it will take to recover him.

"If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it." Luke 17:33
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Old 01-21-2013, 10:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair

He met her through work. They don't work together anymore, he was a child abuse detective and she was a child care assistant within the county. He denied it until I had proof he couldn't deny.
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