Life after Infidelity
I am a 45 year old career woman--a product of a 20 year marriage to who I thought was a wonderful, honest, loving and caring man. Those feelings and my life changed drastically about a year ago when I found out how unfaithful he had been to me.
We got married 20 years ago. We have 3 amazing teenagers. My husband is a pediatrican. He would spend long hours at work--working in one of the busiest practices in our area.
One evening, an ordinary evening...no different than any other, my children and I had just settled in from a long day at school and work. Suddenly from the front of the house we hear commotion, arguing--confrontation. I look out my front bay window and notice my husbands car sitting in the driveway with the engine running. I look towards the end of our driveway and I see my husband standing at the curb arguing with a woman. I looked for a while because I had no idea what was going on. After 5 minutes of glaring out the window, I put on my coat and I stepped out the front door. I asked my husband if everything was ok. The woman he was arguing with, began to walk towards the house where I was standing. My husbands rushes to jump in front of her as to block my view of her. She was a young woman, very short and very fiesty. She breaks away from his block and introduces herself. At this point I am still very very confused. She proceeds to tell me that My husband and her were in a 6 year relationship and he was the father of her 5 year old child.
Suddenly the earth fell from beneath my feet. I was so numb--felt like the blood was sucked out of me. She proceeded to argue with him about child support. What I gathered from the rest of the bickering was that she followed him home without his knowledge. It was a terrible scene and the most humilating thing I had ever experienced. I told my husband to get her away from the house or the police would be called. When she heard me say those words, she jumped in her car and drove away.
I stood there on my front steps quickly trying to process what just took place. My husband drives the car from the driveway into the garage and enters the house from the garage entrance leaving me standing in the cold. I walked into the house after several minutes, look him dead in the eyes and asks was that all true. He said yes, he wanted to tell me but didn't want to hurt me. I became irate and started screaming obscenities. I told him to leave before I hurt him. He gathered some things and left the house. By this time the kids had come into the room wondering what was going on.
We lived apart for almost 9 months. During that time, he and I went to marriage counseling 3 times a week. We talked through the issues that lead to the affair among other things. Counseling is great, but you have to apply it on a daily bases. At the completion of our counseling, I was still very broken and confused. Three months ago he asked if we could get back together and I allowed him to come back and re-join the family. Nothing was the same--because he betrayed my trust.
Last month, he wanted to have his 5 year old come over and bond with our kids. It was the holidays so I said to myself, why not? He brought the child over and I couldn't handle it. I stayed in my bedroom the whole time the child was there and cried my eyes out. That night when he returned home from taking the child home. I told him, I could not deal with him anymore--I told him it was over forever. I told him to leave the house and never come back. I told him I wanted out of the marriage immediately. He left without incident.
Now I need to pick up the pieces of my life that were so badly shattered. Please give me some advice or where to begin to rebuild. My self esteem is low. I'm depressed daily. Any sound advise is greatly appreciated.