How do you deal with triggers??
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » How do you deal with triggers??

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-25-2013, 10:45 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do you deal with triggers??

I thought maybe people could share how they cope with triggers to maybe give others ideas of how to deal with them.

Do you read? Exercise? Ride the trigger out?

What works best for you? Or what have you found doesn't work?
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Old 01-25-2013, 10:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

I've come to the realization that even without obvious triggers, I think about my situation multiple times a day. I have yet to go through a day without thinking about my stbxw's betrayal - for literally hours if you add it up. I live in our house - so there are triggers everywhere, from when I get up in the morning - to when the kids are in bed. Got rid of most of the pictures with my stbxw, but the house is full of stuff which we bought or did together.

What works for me is work (although even that is not a guarantee), exercise, physical activity, and doing stuff with my kids. The absolute best for me right now, being winter, is getting out on the weekend to go skiing with the kids. I think that's the only time I can go for 6 - 7 hours straight with absolutely no triggered thoughts.
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Old 01-25-2013, 10:53 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

Haha, get mad.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:55 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

I would also like to know how to handle the triggers or the thoughts what he did and how many lies he had thrown on us. I get mad, cry and it's affecting my work too... I would rather not see his face or talk to him as everything which comes from his mouth seems to be a lie.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

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Originally Posted by Jasel View Post
I thought maybe people could share how they cope with triggers to maybe give others ideas of how to deal with them.

Do you read? Exercise? Ride the trigger out?

What works best for you? Or what have you found doesn't work?
The calendar date's trigger me (Like this week - Worst week in my life in past).

I come to TAM to read, release and relax. Like today. All old symptoms had already returned like palpitation, dizziness, anger and helplessness.

Reading TAM after a long time is like returning to old friends' circle. Though invisible, it is there when I need it.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

Some of this is going to sound pretty basic but when I start playing mind movies, anger and so forth. I turn on my positives, Kids and Grandkids. I also try to do something physical. It helps
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

I find that, as the love for my wife slowly trickles away, the triggers are less frequent and the memories less painful.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

Had him throw out the new underwears he adapted for phone sex.
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:39 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

I ignored them until they faded away. It wasn't easy.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I find that, as the love for my wife slowly trickles away, the triggers are less frequent and the memories less painful.
JustGrinding, That is terrific. I found that happening with me also, but could you please elaborate more on this?

It might help me big. Thanks already.
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:44 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I ignored them until they faded away. It wasn't easy.
How long did that take?
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Old 01-26-2013, 04:07 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

I live with triggers everyday and I am still waiting for the answers he promised. I have sleepless nights, I write it out, I cry, I get mad, I throw things and then I take it out on the garden.
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Old 01-26-2013, 06:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

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JustGrinding, That is terrific. I found that happening with me also, but could you please elaborate more on this?

It might help me big. Thanks already.
I think it's a function of time and emotional strain. I went through an extended period of extreme emotional stress as I uncovered the truth about my wife's adultery. Now, I'm in a prolonged, protective state of emotional withdrawal. It's comfortable and peaceful for me.

As I discard the emotional filter and view things rationally , it's clear that my wife is not the person I thought she was. She simply cannot be trusted. I think much less of her than I did before, and the intimate, romantic love I felt for her has shriveled away.

The most prevalent feelings I have for her is pity and a profound sense of sadness for what she's done to herself and the resulting consequences. In truth, I'm not the damaged party here: my loyalty, fidelity, and integrity are intact. She, on the other hand, has failed as a wife and mother at the most basic level.

I imagine my wife with her POSOM, or with someone else, and I really don't care anymore. The triggers don't have as much effect; every memory of her is tempered with her betrayal. I stay with her now because it suits me for social and economic purposes.

I've found I can live without love. I discovered that, in reality, I have for many, many years.
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:53 AM   #14 (permalink)
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She simply cannot be trusted. I think much less of her than I did before, and the intimate, romantic love I felt for her has shriveled away.

every memory of her is tempered with her betrayal.

I stay with her now because it suits me for social and economic purposes.
Thanks JustGrinding. You put my feelings, my status into proper words.

every memory of her is tempered with her betrayal.

How sad, but how true!

I have copied your post into my small collection of thoughts so that I can reread it when I am in triggered state. I have not yet achieved the calmness you talk about. But I certainly have sensed the lack of romantic feelings (or any personal feelings) towards her and in general any woman.

Thanks again for your reply.
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do you deal with triggers??

I am so feeling more like I'm the failure. I understand why he would go outside the marriage but getting sick is not my fault either.. I stood by him for 4 1/2 years while he went to prison but he couldn't stand by me while I went through a number of surgeries. SO who failed who here........ I did tell him after this last surgery to "Hold on baby, things are about to change for the better, just hold on a bit more." Then I get D-Day. If I had family around me they would all be blaming me so I guess it is from being raised in that kind of thinking. I trigger over very thing and beat myself up too. It's a circle everyday. I wish there was an outline that explains how the steps to take and talk about in a time frame that promotes healing. Any Ideas Please?
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