Affair...past tense
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-25-2013, 10:47 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Affair...past tense

Time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? I just decided to give a quick and general update on my situation. Those of you who visit the RECONCILIATION thread already know most of it, so this is for the other posters who haven't been there.
My Ex-wife is currently staying with me, while her apartment is being re-modeled. We are getting along better than we EVER have, even pre-affair. Her therapy is doing wonderful things for her and she is much more mature, loving, and thoughtful than she ever was in the past. Our sex life is spectacular, and she has proven to me that her affair was NOT about sex, but about the emotional issues SHE has, and the bad state of our marriage, at the time. She has literally gone to the bitter end to show her remorse and shame and is slowly working her way back to a positive self-image. With all of her work on repudiating the affair, controling her anger and dealing with other pre-marriage issues she has, I can say that I am VERY PROUD of her and that the affair is no longer the main issue we face. I believe that that I can be confident that it will never be repeated.......EVER!
We have come a long way , since late August /early September, when I first said that I would be willing to talk to her about our situation. I never, in a million years, dreamed we would have come this far. I now realize how much I love this woman, and and am finally able to forgive her.
Every single day, she will do something to show her love and I am willing to do the same.
We have decided that we will not re-marry for a while yet, (if ever) but that she will live with me as my SO, for the time being.
So, that's about it. If you guys have any questions or comments, I will be happy to hear them.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair...past tense

Very happy for you bro! Remember that this only worked because you respected yourself and handled things like a man, not a little boy.

I hope you stick around and help some of these lost souls on here find some sort of redemption.

Good luck!
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair...past tense

Congrats.

Interested in your wife's therapy. My stbxw's therapist seems to be validating the cheating - with my stbxw often stating that "XXX was right, you will always blame me for cheating. If our marriage was happy, I wouldn't have had to cheat" - stuff like that. It seems her therapist's answer to my stbxw's screwed up psyche is to pretend the cheating didn't happen and go forward. ie. do NOT deal with the past. Do not deal with the character flaw that resulted in years of lying. My stbxw had a horrible childhood - with her mother being abused, a tyrant father, and abandment. But nothing like that seems to have come up in her therapy. She has a terrible self image too.

What was the "magic bullet" or how did your wife's therapist deal with the aspect of cheating and lying? i.e. the character issue?

Again, congratulations and thank you for your input.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Cedarman View Post
Congrats.

Interested in your wife's therapy. My stbxw's therapist seems to be validating the cheating - with my stbxw often stating that "XXX was right, you will always blame me for cheating. If our marriage was happy, I wouldn't have had to cheat" - stuff like that. It seems her therapist's answer to my stbxw's screwed up psyche is to pretend the cheating didn't happen and go forward. ie. do NOT deal with the past. Do not deal with the character flaw that resulted in years of lying. My stbxw had a horrible childhood - with her mother being abused, a tyrant father, and abandment. But nothing like that seems to have come up in her therapy. She has a terrible self image too.

What was the "magic bullet" or how did your wife's therapist deal with the aspect of cheating and lying? i.e. the character issue?

Again, congratulations and thank you for your input.
Two things, Cedarman. My ex's therapist has first hand knowledge of infidelity, and she (therapist) is ALL ABOUT personal responsibility. In her mind, you don't make excuses, you find out what the true issues are and deal with them. She told me at our meeting that the present is formed in the past and cannot be changed without confronting past problems.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:35 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Two things, Cedarman. My ex's therapist has first hand knowledge of infidelity, and she (therapist) is ALL ABOUT personal responsibility. In her mind, you don't make excuses, you find out what the true issues are and deal with them. She told me at our meeting that the present is formed in the past and cannot be changed without confronting past problems.
Your ex-wife is lucky to have a therapist like that. My stbxw has a therapist who seems to think feeling good about your past decisions is what is important. Having met her therapist (in MC - during which my wife, already in her EA, lied to the same therapist) I got the feeling she just didn't like men or the concept of marriage - yet she was giving us "marriage counselling". You would think that most therapists would have an issue with being lied to during therapy - but honesty isn't as important as feeling good about yourself according to this therapist.

Anyway, continued good luck in your reconciliation!
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Something else. I am not posting my story on TAM to gloat, to insinuate that I know more than anyone else or to say that our process is the best or only way to achieve reconciliation. It has cost BOTH of us a lot of heartache, a marriage, years of mis-trust, the regard of friends and family, to get to where we are right now. The relationship we have developed over the last 4 months, is due to her hard, selfless work through IC and (I'm going to sound like I'm bragging, but I'm not) my own development and maturity as well. Plus good luck, good will, desire, honesty, open communication and a HUGE amount of true, true love. Believe me, we know how lucky we are.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Something else. I am not posting my story on TAM to gloat, to insinuate that I know more than anyone else or to say that our process is the best or only way to achieve reconciliation. It has cost BOTH of us a lot of heartache, a marriage, years of mis-trust, the regard of friends and family, to get to where we are right now. The relationship we have developed over the last 4 months, is due to her hard, selfless work through IC and (I'm going to sound like I'm bragging, but I'm not) my own development and maturity as well. Plus good luck, good will, desire, honesty, open communication and a HUGE amount of true, true love. Believe me, we know how lucky we are.
It's OK to be happy after such heartbreak. It's not gloating.

Your instincts told you to react to her A in a way that helped you two to find your way back to one another. Her instincts, with her therapy and commitment, did the same.

It's a happy ending that we rarely see, so it's nice to read.

All the best to you, Rookie!
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Rookie,
when I read your very first post a couple of months (?) ago. I thought to myself. "this guy got screwed over good. But he seems to have done the only thing he could to maintain his ego, integrity, and sense of honor. But he sure is a hard ass - there's just no way he'll ever take her back - regardless of how she's changed."

As I read your updates on what your wife was doing to become a better person I still thought, "well, he's going to miss out on the best of that woman just because he saw her at her worst"

Glad I was wrong.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Rookie,

Good for you! I am glad things are working out better for you. Good like with her and I hope things will keep improving. It is nice to here that you are still with her.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:39 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Rookie,
when I read your very first post a couple of months (?) ago. I thought to myself. "this guy got screwed over good. But he seems to have done the only thing he could to maintain his ego, integrity, and sense of honor. But he sure is a hard ass - there's just no way he'll ever take her back - regardless of how she's changed."

As I read your updates on what your wife was doing to become a better person I still thought, "well, he's going to miss out on the best of that woman just because he saw her at her worst"

Glad I was wrong.
This is a great post, WOM. Very nice sentiment.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:50 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Affair...past tense

Just take it slow and wait until the initial haze of sex and courtship wears off. Then you will see if there is a real change.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:44 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Just take it slow and wait until the initial haze of sex and courtship wears off. Then you will see if there is a real change.
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I see your point, but it's not exactly like we just met or anything. I have seen her at her worst and at her best and I know the difference, plus I see real improvement in her that I NEVER saw before.
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Old 01-26-2013, 08:06 AM   #13 (permalink)
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It's great to hear of a true reconciliation! Many blessings!
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Old 01-26-2013, 09:11 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Congrats rookie...I am truly happy for you two!
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Well done from the beginning, sir.

I hope you enjoy a long and secure life together.
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