Exposure Now?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-25-2013, 03:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Exposure Now?

I was on another forum here at TAM a while back, although I took some advice, I did not take all.

Back - I found out my wife was having an EA back in April, worked on things (got trickle truthed and lied to the whole time) but moved out in August due to the lies and breaking boundary rules I set for her.

I have been in IC (she refused to attend MC) with a therapist and friend and they are both telling me it's not my place to expose and to take the high road.

Since moving out, I have not attempted any R because wife and her former boyfriend (who she has not seen in 22 years) are still in contact. While they are still in contact, there is no way I am considering R.

I know now, I should have exposed immediatley - now, as time has passed, I feel so much better about my future - I am less anxious and actually optomistic about things (although I still miss my daughter and dog immensly).

Question - With where I am now, how I view my future (D), should I expose - expose to my wife's family (my wife's family thinks I aboned the home) and the OMW? I want to - thats the vengeful side of me (I want him to suffer like I have). OR, let it go and not have to deal with the mess of it over again? I know if I do expose to the OMW, my wife will be angry, (Honestly, I do not care about that) but I will have to deal with it on some certain level.

Thank you,
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:54 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

That's up to you. If you feel revenge is good for you then do it.

Since you are getting a divorce, I would only advocate exposing him if you know he is married and cheating on his wife. Otherwise, *me personally* I wouldn't waste my time on vile people. Out of sight, out of mind. Let them live their little fantasy.

Of course it was YOU that was hurt, YOU that went through all the wasted effort, and YOU that will feel the sting of rejection. So I see where you would feel justified. And you are if you want to do it.

BTW your therapist is full of krap IMO. Not your place? Who the h3ll's place is it then? Theirs? You wasted money on the "feel-good" therapist.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

Exposure is a two edged sword. Nobody knows the real truth, her family will side with her more than likely because she is part of their family. I would expose it to them. I exposed my EX's infidelity to her family... They still sided with her but that wasn't the point. It really puts a lot of light on something that was done in the darkness.

I wouldn't do it for revenge. I did it to try to save my marriage. If you have proof, I would just send it to her family, your family and OMW... It is liberating and painful, but you won't be hiding their secrets anymore.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:08 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

I always love how exposure is a road lower than any type of boundary breaking affair.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:10 PM   #5 (permalink)
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You'll know you have changed when you stop caring what these other people think. if you want to expose and make this guy feel pain do it. who cares if anyone thinks it is vengeful. Take control of your life and do not regret "your" decisions. Once i started making my own decisions, i had to take responsibility for my life because they were my decisions.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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The OMW has a right to know, so she can make better informed choices about her life at the least. You don't owe it to her, the POSOM does, but the likelihood of that happening is low. Think about if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want her to let you know?
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:28 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Wow! I thought exposure was too taboo, culturally unsanctioned. I had to do it for my own peace of mind to circumvent the emotional torture of trickle truth, rug-sweeping and gaslighting. I did it 2 years too late. It affected their relationship significantly but they had already painted a public picture of me in the 2 years as being "crazy". I exposed while I am still married to him. I think it's more defam. after divorce.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

If you're divorcing, the reasons to tell would be to inform the OMW and to inform any family members you wish to know the truth. Or revenge, although with time that urge will dissipate as you move on.

If you decide to tell OMW then be prepared for her to not believe you. Many don't, even with proof.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

Hell, I'd blow the living fvck out of this masquerade they've been living...to hell with the motives. Why should they get off scot-free while you've had to wallow in this mess of their creation and endure the lies?

Go nuclear.

Time for a little taste of what you sow, so you shall reap.

Have fun
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

Do not look at is revenge it is the right thing to do. the other mans wife may not know and she has the right to now. Expose to her family and yours.

right now they believe what she is telling them but they need to hear it. If you have some proof (written) I would provide everyone copies.
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:40 PM   #11 (permalink)
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By the way tell your IC / Friend they are full of S$%t about exposing and forget that high road Bs it will bite you in the A##
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Yes, Do it ... I did the same and it was the best feeling ever. but just be ready to call 911 because he may try to come after you. I did that and put court order agenst him. it will kill his relathionship with your wife forever. cos he is going to dump her ASS in a second... Good Luck , I am with you
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:45 PM   #13 (permalink)
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As far as exposing to your wife family.. it is tottaly up to you. but IMO don't do it if you think you will be able to R with her in the Future..
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Old 01-25-2013, 04:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostinthis View Post
Yes, Do it ... I did the same and it was the best feeling ever. but just be ready to call 911 because he may try to come after you. I did that and put court order agenst him. it will kill his relathionship with your wife forever. cos he is going to dump her ASS in a second... Good Luck , I am with you
I wouldn't worry about this one bit. He's gonna have his hands full enough as it is. OMs are notoriously wimpy anyway. They'll talk tough, but that's about all it ever amounts to.
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Old 01-25-2013, 05:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Exposure Now?

Thank you all for your replies. I do have written evidence, text, & emails in proving everything I claim - I have given my stbxw every opportunity to apologize for the lies and denials; to this day, she "promises" me she no longer is in in contact - then, 30 minutes later she is texting or emailing him.

Lost - I am no way afraid of this pvssy, if he wants some of this, he can bring it...the night I found all these text - I threatend to drive 8 hours to "speak" to him. At the current time, I do not see anyway I could ever be with this woman again, she lied and denied me out of the home and family we had for 20 years. She said that if I ever expose this to the OMW, there would never be any chance of us reconciling - she has protected him and his family more than she has offered to my/our family.

It just pisses me off that he gets to enjoy (maybe he does'nt) his marriage and kids and I don't. BUT, then again, how happy were we prior to her EA??

I am thankful for this forum; I have looked at it everyday since i discovered it back in May - I hope to hear more replies on this exposure topic, but I do have one more question for y'all - When should I reveal my evidence on her? Do it now, to show her that her I know she is and has been lying the whole time - or do I simply wait, and use it in negotiating when going through the D?

That is another reason I have not exposed - use exposure as leverage and using my evidence as leverage.

Thanks again,
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