Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

 22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
BrokenheartinNj is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 07:52 PM
Member
 
Toffer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: East Coast
Posts: 2,782
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Ok you need to keep copies of everything somewhere that she can't get to before you confront her because she'll most likely deny everything when you confront her

If she wants to work it out, she's got to go full no contact with the creep
Toffer is offline  
post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 07:58 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 24,120
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Yep get a copy of all the emails before you confront her. She will most likely deny everything so you need the proof. Otherwise she'll gaselight you and you will start to doubt what you saw with your own eyes.

Do you know how long the affair has gone on?
EleGirl is offline  
post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 08:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 2,428
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
Who is she cheating with and for how long? How does she know him? Is he married with kids, too?

Is she badmouthing you in the emails?

Is she telling other man she is "in love" with him and he to her?

Any evidence she's planning on leaving you?
Will_Kane is offline  
post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 08:05 PM
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 12,329
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
Make sure you save all the emails in 2 or three places. Use Cloud storage, too.

You are calm because you are in shock.

Be careful of what you say to her.

http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now  
post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 08:06 PM
Member
 
walkonmars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 2,785
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Do you know how long the affair has been going on?

Don't reveal that you know about the secret acct. DO NOT REVEAL.
At the moment it is the only reliable means you have of checking up on her. If she knows or even suspects you know of the acct she will delete it and get another.

ACT calm and rational with her. There's two ways to go tonight:
1. confront - especially if the affair is young. If you confront - just tell her you have suspected she's having an affair and today "someone told me and proved to me that it's true" (the email told you and it is true) when she starts to deny just raise your hand in a "stop" fashion and say "let me finish first" then tell her she has ONE chance right this minute to tell you the whole truth.

If she can't then she should leave the marital home. The home is for married people (of course you cant legally throw her out - but you CAN ask her to leave.

When she denies it then tell her she's lying. You know she's lying, she knows she's lying and you won't accept it. Tell her you will go to a divorce lawyer at the earliest possible time. Tell her you don't want to discuss anything UNTIL she tells you the truth.

DO NOT answer any of her questions "What makes you think..." or "who told you..." don't respond to any comment like "you're being paranoid" etc. Just tell her you don't want to hear lies.

2. Don't say anything tonight. Pretend nothing is amiss. Put a VAR in her can and monitor the secret acct. Do this for sure if it is a long term affair. She will protect her boyfriend if she has been seeing him for a long time. Gather evidence for a while until you know all there is to know about "where, when, how and who".

Be strong. You're not the first to go through this.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
walkonmars is online now  
post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 08:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,170
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Becareful, you need to be a few steps ahead of your WW (wayward wife) so with more details we can help you have the most effective confrontation.

Often the confrontation is weak and alot of blameshifting and gaslighting takes place...so prepare your self and educate your self.

Never beg or cry for your marriage or your screwed, chicks dig confident guys and the last thing your WW wants to see is a unattractive husband when she has another man in her life.

Its very important to have the confidence to let her go. A perception that will make her second guess her choices. When confronting her she has to believe and see what she is about to lose. If for one seconfd she thinks you ain't going anywere she will continue. The trick here is getting her to think twice about her disicions and in order to do that she needs to see a bad @ss that won't take her sh1t!!!!!
the guy is offline  
post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 08:24 PM
Member
 
walkonmars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 2,785
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by the guy View Post
Becareful, you need to be a few steps ahead of your WW (wayward wife) so with more details we can help you have the most effective confrontation.

Often the confrontation is weak and alot of blameshifting and gaslighting takes place...so prepare your self and educate your self.

Never beg or cry for your marriage or your screwed, chicks dig confident guys and the last thing your WW wants to see is a unattractive husband when she has another man in her life.

Its very important to have the confidence to let her go. A perception that will make her second guess her choices. When confronting her she has to believe and see what she is about to lose. If for one seconfd she thinks you ain't going anywere she will continue. The trick here is getting her to think twice about her disicions and in order to do that she needs to see a bad @ss that won't take her sh1t!!!!!

Very good advice. NEVER act/be needy. Do not ask "what did I do wrong?" "why are you doing this" etc. She's doing it because either she loves him/not you. Or she's selfish. It doesn't matter. What matters is that she is living off you, married to you and having sex with him. Case closed.

Be firm. You accept that she has the right to do what she wants - but not while married to you. You will do what you need to do and begging won't be one of those things. You don't beg your spouse for anything. You also don't order or boss. Buy you expect respect.

A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
walkonmars is online now  
post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 08:47 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Spain
Posts: 4,089
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Some tips.
Put every snooping tools in place you can before the confrontation, so you can monitor the aftermath. Also, never reveal your sources.
Ask her what are her plans. Use tough love, she's free to go to OM, you won't share. Self respect won't permit it.
If she claims doesn't want a divorce tell her the only way to stop it for now is by agreend to a few rules.
- NC letter to OM.
- Complete transparence of comunication devices and whereabouts.
- Complete disclosure to your satisfaction.
- STD test done.
- ___ insert here wht ever rule or boundarie you need (IE if OM is a coworker she should quit the job?, should she expose herself to parents?....).

Tell her she's the one to fix what's broken. Don't let her believe you won't divorce her. Don't act needy. Ever.

If I were you i'd avoid a particular questions: Why. Don't ask for it.

I'm sorry man.

Mal de muchos, consuelo de tontos
Acabado is offline  
post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 10:38 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 10,007
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Backup all the evidence you have. Say nothing to your wife.

Go after the OM. If he is married or has a gf. find her and expose the affair to her. Then sit back and wait.
Shaggy is offline  
post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 10:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 10,170
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

In going after the OM (other man) do it figuritively not literualy. You want to know as much as you can about your enemy.

The reseach you do and the info you gather will help you when you confront her.

It will show your wife you know alot more then she thought and she may even make some confessions she wouldn't otherwise.
the guy is offline  
post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-25-2013, 11:09 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Obamastan
Posts: 5,646
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
DNA the kids ASAP.
Machiavelli is offline  
post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 10:30 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 10,346
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by Machiavelli View Post
DNA the kids ASAP.
You don't know how long this has been going on so I would DNA the kids. Any updates?
tom67 is offline  
post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-26-2013, 10:49 AM
Member
 
staystrong's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,935
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

BH in NJ,

Please listen to the advice you have received so far. These guys are veterans of affairs and have helped many others on this board.

You're probably calm because you are in a state of shock. The arm bar for the emotional roller coaster is about to come down and you are in for the ride of your life. Please pay attention: what is intuitive is not correct. The yelling, cursing, name calling, throwing things, begging, pleading ... if you engage in this, it will worsen that case.

My suggestion is you pour your emotions out here and not at your wife. Remain cool, calm and collected. If you can't manage, find a confidant and ask that person to be on standby when you need to vent or leave the house fuming.

Do not let her take the upper hand. You are in control - more than you think. Don't lose it. Okay? Okay.
staystrong is offline  
post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-28-2013, 01:54 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 189
Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
I would do nothing until the emotional shock has passed. You need MORE INFORMATION first, and you want to proceed at a controlled pace in a time-frame is tolerable for your needs.

Do not RUSH INTO ANYTHING, SAY NOTHING, DO NOT CONFRONT until you have a long-term-plan in place that fits your agenda, and a strategy and contingencies for every outcome.

In the meantime begin finding out everything you can about the affair, this will inform how you should react.

Sorry that this is happening, surely sucks much, in the end controlling your emotions is putting yourself first.
Ever-Man is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Just Found Out Wife had An Affair 9 Years Ago MarriedFor20Years Coping with Infidelity 63 01-06-2013 09:01 AM
Found out wife cheated 7 years ago betrayedbykim Coping with Infidelity 30 05-08-2012 09:03 PM
Wife found out today she was allergic to my cum... revitalizedhusband Sex in Marriage 47 04-15-2012 09:16 AM
Just found out wife of 21 years had affair loneguyland Coping with Infidelity 13 03-10-2011 11:36 PM
Found out husband of 25 years has been cheating !!! jay62 Coping with Infidelity 15 02-22-2010 07:31 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome