Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-25-2013, 08:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Ok you need to keep copies of everything somewhere that she can't get to before you confront her because she'll most likely deny everything when you confront her

If she wants to work it out, she's got to go full no contact with the creep
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Yep get a copy of all the emails before you confront her. She will most likely deny everything so you need the proof. Otherwise she'll gaselight you and you will start to doubt what you saw with your own eyes.

Do you know how long the affair has gone on?
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:01 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

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Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
Who is she cheating with and for how long? How does she know him? Is he married with kids, too?

Is she badmouthing you in the emails?

Is she telling other man she is "in love" with him and he to her?

Any evidence she's planning on leaving you?
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

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Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
Make sure you save all the emails in 2 or three places. Use Cloud storage, too.

You are calm because you are in shock.

Be careful of what you say to her.
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Do you know how long the affair has been going on?

Don't reveal that you know about the secret acct. DO NOT REVEAL.
At the moment it is the only reliable means you have of checking up on her. If she knows or even suspects you know of the acct she will delete it and get another.

ACT calm and rational with her. There's two ways to go tonight:
1. confront - especially if the affair is young. If you confront - just tell her you have suspected she's having an affair and today "someone told me and proved to me that it's true" (the email told you and it is true) when she starts to deny just raise your hand in a "stop" fashion and say "let me finish first" then tell her she has ONE chance right this minute to tell you the whole truth.

If she can't then she should leave the marital home. The home is for married people (of course you cant legally throw her out - but you CAN ask her to leave.

When she denies it then tell her she's lying. You know she's lying, she knows she's lying and you won't accept it. Tell her you will go to a divorce lawyer at the earliest possible time. Tell her you don't want to discuss anything UNTIL she tells you the truth.

DO NOT answer any of her questions "What makes you think..." or "who told you..." don't respond to any comment like "you're being paranoid" etc. Just tell her you don't want to hear lies.

2. Don't say anything tonight. Pretend nothing is amiss. Put a VAR in her can and monitor the secret acct. Do this for sure if it is a long term affair. She will protect her boyfriend if she has been seeing him for a long time. Gather evidence for a while until you know all there is to know about "where, when, how and who".

Be strong. You're not the first to go through this.
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Becareful, you need to be a few steps ahead of your WW (wayward wife) so with more details we can help you have the most effective confrontation.

Often the confrontation is weak and alot of blameshifting and gaslighting takes place...so prepare your self and educate your self.

Never beg or cry for your marriage or your screwed, chicks dig confident guys and the last thing your WW wants to see is a unattractive husband when she has another man in her life.

Its very important to have the confidence to let her go. A perception that will make her second guess her choices. When confronting her she has to believe and see what she is about to lose. If for one seconfd she thinks you ain't going anywere she will continue. The trick here is getting her to think twice about her disicions and in order to do that she needs to see a bad @ss that won't take her sh1t!!!!!
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

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Becareful, you need to be a few steps ahead of your WW (wayward wife) so with more details we can help you have the most effective confrontation.

Often the confrontation is weak and alot of blameshifting and gaslighting takes place...so prepare your self and educate your self.

Never beg or cry for your marriage or your screwed, chicks dig confident guys and the last thing your WW wants to see is a unattractive husband when she has another man in her life.

Its very important to have the confidence to let her go. A perception that will make her second guess her choices. When confronting her she has to believe and see what she is about to lose. If for one seconfd she thinks you ain't going anywere she will continue. The trick here is getting her to think twice about her disicions and in order to do that she needs to see a bad @ss that won't take her sh1t!!!!!

Very good advice. NEVER act/be needy. Do not ask "what did I do wrong?" "why are you doing this" etc. She's doing it because either she loves him/not you. Or she's selfish. It doesn't matter. What matters is that she is living off you, married to you and having sex with him. Case closed.

Be firm. You accept that she has the right to do what she wants - but not while married to you. You will do what you need to do and begging won't be one of those things. You don't beg your spouse for anything. You also don't order or boss. Buy you expect respect.
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

Some tips.
Put every snooping tools in place you can before the confrontation, so you can monitor the aftermath. Also, never reveal your sources.
Ask her what are her plans. Use tough love, she's free to go to OM, you won't share. Self respect won't permit it.
If she claims doesn't want a divorce tell her the only way to stop it for now is by agreend to a few rules.
- NC letter to OM.
- Complete transparence of comunication devices and whereabouts.
- Complete disclosure to your satisfaction.
- STD test done.
- ___ insert here wht ever rule or boundarie you need (IE if OM is a coworker she should quit the job?, should she expose herself to parents?....).

Tell her she's the one to fix what's broken. Don't let her believe you won't divorce her. Don't act needy. Ever.

If I were you i'd avoid a particular questions: Why. Don't ask for it.

I'm sorry man.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Backup all the evidence you have. Say nothing to your wife.

Go after the OM. If he is married or has a gf. find her and expose the affair to her. Then sit back and wait.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

In going after the OM (other man) do it figuritively not literualy. You want to know as much as you can about your enemy.

The reseach you do and the info you gather will help you when you confront her.

It will show your wife you know alot more then she thought and she may even make some confessions she wouldn't otherwise.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:09 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
DNA the kids ASAP.
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:30 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

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DNA the kids ASAP.
You don't know how long this has been going on so I would DNA the kids. Any updates?
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Old 01-26-2013, 11:49 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

BH in NJ,

Please listen to the advice you have received so far. These guys are veterans of affairs and have helped many others on this board.

You're probably calm because you are in a state of shock. The arm bar for the emotional roller coaster is about to come down and you are in for the ride of your life. Please pay attention: what is intuitive is not correct. The yelling, cursing, name calling, throwing things, begging, pleading ... if you engage in this, it will worsen that case.

My suggestion is you pour your emotions out here and not at your wife. Remain cool, calm and collected. If you can't manage, find a confidant and ask that person to be on standby when you need to vent or leave the house fuming.

Do not let her take the upper hand. You are in control - more than you think. Don't lose it. Okay? Okay.
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Old 01-28-2013, 02:54 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out today my wife of 12 years is cheating on me

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Originally Posted by BrokenheartinNj View Post
Found out through her secret email account.

We have two kids together. 8 and 5. Not sure what to do yet. I still love her very much. I'm actually very calm as I 'm writing this. Not sure why. She is still not home yet.....
I would do nothing until the emotional shock has passed. You need MORE INFORMATION first, and you want to proceed at a controlled pace in a time-frame is tolerable for your needs.

Do not RUSH INTO ANYTHING, SAY NOTHING, DO NOT CONFRONT until you have a long-term-plan in place that fits your agenda, and a strategy and contingencies for every outcome.

In the meantime begin finding out everything you can about the affair, this will inform how you should react.

Sorry that this is happening, surely sucks much, in the end controlling your emotions is putting yourself first.
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