Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-25-2013, 11:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

My W and I have 2 young children.. 2 and 3 1/2 ... been together for 6 years...Shes 30 i'm 40 ..We traveled everywhere together and then had 2 kids back to back.. I took a consulting job which required extensive travel at her encouragement ..and we had arguments ever since... she has always resorted to violence when mad about anything and last year it got out of control... she said she wanted seperation and then joined 3 dating websites and then starting communication with a man 50 years old everyday.. meeting for lunch and God knows what else.. I confronted her about it and she took the defensive.. She moved out and we now live in separate houses for the past 4 months. I spend more time with the kids than I ever have before but long for my marraige to be reconciled. She has said that she feels like the past 6 years have been waisted and spends her weekends putting the kids to bed and then hanging out in clubs until 3 am every weekend.she had her you get sister move in with her to watch the kids at night while she parties She reverting back to the life she lived at 24 and completely disregarding our marraige.. She would take her ring off whenver she got mad and would use punishment as a tool to get me to do whatever she wanted. She recently said that she feels like I'm winning in this because I do not have to care for the kids full time and am on my own. However, I have never cheated on her and want my family restored. Currently, she talks to different men on dating websites everyday and goes out on dates .. but I have focused on working out, learning a new language and my kids... I went through the stage of sending flowers and being overly caring but to be honest I always been that way. Now I stopped everything because my actions were only returned with no affection or every vitrial... and friends who have gone through similar situation have said to leave her alone. My emotions have been a roller coaster.. sometimes extremely high and sometimes extremely low wanting to bury myself in wine. Am I a fool for thinking we could get back together or should I just move on? and another note... my wife is a beautiful woman and has never been faithful in previous relationships until she met me (in a non sexual way) meaning talking to multiple people at once. Until the 50 year old man.. she has been faithful to me but with 2 new kids not like we have had much time to each other or anything else. Has anyone experienced something like this ... While she actively dating? should I date too? I would have no trouble getting someone but know that if I go that route I might never come back. Please advise.

Last edited by wifehademotionalaffair; 01-26-2013 at 06:01 AM.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:07 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

File on her ass, but first document the heck out of her abandoning the kids at night to go get laid. Your attorney probably has a couple of PIs he uses. Go for full custody as your WW is not fit to be a babysitter.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

Please reread your post as if it was written by someone else. What would you say to them? You judge a person by their actions and her actions speak volumes. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? I strongly suggest you contact an attorney to understand your options.

You may also wish to ask yourself why would a woman respect a spouse who allows them to humiliate them in such a terrible way without consequences to their actions. You are enabling her to continue with her massive disrespect to you and your marriage. Enough is enough!
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:18 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

If you start dating it justifies her affair and her behavior will continue. You will then be the bad guy in all of this. Its funny how they can rewrite history....

Get the divorce and then date.

You might get her to turn a corner by stop caring about her and show her that you can and will let her go.

I have a feeling she can have you and the new life style, cuz in her mind you ain't going anywere. Maybe I'm wrong but until she starts to think twice in what she is about to loss and second guess her choices in how she behaves she will continue.

Its time to give a taste of reality by showing her indiference and an emotional detachment from you.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

This is a no-brainer.

File.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

There are many, many kind, loyal women in the world who would love to meet you.

You shouldn't want the rest of your life to be like the past years with your wife. She is a terrible wife. You should not try to reconcile.

Get a divorce and get out there to discover how much better it can be.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

I am as confused as you appear to be. Your post keeps referring to a "wife". Yet you failed to describe a wife in any shape or form.

For a minute or two I thought perhaps you meant that aging bar fly who goes to bed with anyone who can snap their fingers. She could have been someone's wife at one time but only a fool would seriously consider having her act as a responsible role model for children.

You are in urgent need of couseling with a 2x4 for the sake of your children.
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180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:58 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

Quote:
Originally Posted by wifehademotionalaffair View Post
Until the 50 year old man.. she has been faithful to me but with 2 new kids not like we have had much time to each other or anything else. Has anyone experienced something like this ... While she actively dating? should I date too? I would have no trouble getting someone but know that if I go that route I might never come back. Please advise.
If you don't have time for each other because you have 2 new kids, then how does she have time to chat up guys and date? Makes no senses.

Do not start dating until you file for divorce. So file soon so you can start to date and move on with your life. And do not date or marry anyone with a history of cheating. they will cheat on you.
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Old 01-26-2013, 01:05 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

You need to remove her "Soft Landing" from her desire to seek out Other Men!! That means see a lawyer and file for divorce and learn about 180!! There by showing her the consequences of her cheating and forcing her to chose now on your schedule and not hers!!!
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Old 01-26-2013, 08:07 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

1. She resorts to violence when she doesn't get her way.

2. She punishes you when she doesn't get her way.

3. She has manipulated you to get her way. In fact, you are now paying for her to live in her party shack, where she can do whatever the hell she wants while toxic sister babysits.

4. She is actively dating and fvcking other men.

Sorry WHEA, but you married what we call a "pretty princess." They are selfish, and have an unreasonable sense of entitlement. Everything is all about her. She is most likely a cluster B personality disorder (narcissistic or histrionic). She's broken, and you can't fix her.

Your marriage is a sham, and she is not your wife. Cut off her funds, file for divorce and custody, and then run fast and far.

Learn to avoid these types of women in the future.
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Old 01-26-2013, 08:20 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

You should have filed for D yesterday. Why should she stop when you are not doing anything to stop her A?

File for D and start dating.
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Old 01-26-2013, 09:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

Quote:
Originally Posted by wifehademotionalaffair View Post
My W and I have 2 young children.. 2 and 3 1/2 ... been together for 6 years...Shes 30 i'm 40 ..We traveled everywhere together and then had 2 kids back to back.. I took a consulting job which required extensive travel at her encouragement ..and we had arguments ever since... she has always resorted to violence when mad about anything and last year it got out of control... she said she wanted seperation and then joined 3 dating websites and then starting communication with a man 50 years old everyday.. meeting for lunch and God knows what else.. I confronted her about it and she took the defensive.. She moved out and we now live in separate houses for the past 4 months. I spend more time with the kids than I ever have before but long for my marraige to be reconciled. She has said that she feels like the past 6 years have been waisted and spends her weekends putting the kids to bed and then hanging out in clubs until 3 am every weekend.she had her you get sister move in with her to watch the kids at night while she parties She reverting back to the life she lived at 24 and completely disregarding our marraige.. She would take her ring off whenver she got mad and would use punishment as a tool to get me to do whatever she wanted. She recently said that she feels like I'm winning in this because I do not have to care for the kids full time and am on my own. However, I have never cheated on her and want my family restored. Currently, she talks to different men on dating websites everyday and goes out on dates .. but I have focused on working out, learning a new language and my kids... I went through the stage of sending flowers and being overly caring but to be honest I always been that way. Now I stopped everything because my actions were only returned with no affection or every vitrial... and friends who have gone through similar situation have said to leave her alone. My emotions have been a roller coaster.. sometimes extremely high and sometimes extremely low wanting to bury myself in wine. Am I a fool for thinking we could get back together or should I just move on? and another note... my wife is a beautiful woman and has never been faithful in previous relationships until she met me (in a non sexual way) meaning talking to multiple people at once. Until the 50 year old man.. she has been faithful to me but with 2 new kids not like we have had much time to each other or anything else. Has anyone experienced something like this ... While she actively dating? should I date too? I would have no trouble getting someone but know that if I go that route I might never come back. Please advise.
You made a common mistake a lot of BS make. As others have said you can't nice your wife out of an affair.

Not sure if you're going to come back but I do want to ask you, why do you want this marriage back exactly? I didn't hear anything from you about actually loving your wife.

Do you want her back or do you want the lifestyle back you were accustomed to? Because those are two very different things.

I also find it distubring how you claim she treats you. It sounds like she's been running around partying and ****ing like some college kid. Supposing she did come back, how would you handle her? What would you expect to change? What would you be willing to do to work on the marriage and what type of expectations/restrictions would you put on her?

The best thing to do in situations like these I think are to file for divorce. Doesn't mean you actually have to go through with it but WS need to see there are consequences for their actions and behaviors. From what you've said it sounds like you've been doing the exact opposite.

Anyway I hope you come back. You'll find plenty of support here. I also think you need to seriously ask yourself if this marriage is the best thing for you. It might be better to move on.

And here are some books you might want to try reading and a favorite thread of mine that seems to give BS a different perspective.

Just Let Them Go


The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

Surviving an Affair: Willard F. Jr. Harley, Jennifer Harley Chalmers: 9780800717582: Amazon.com: Books
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:08 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

I came back.. Everyone and thanks so much for your comments . To answer some of your ?s. why do I want my W back? I love her and believe that she needs help. She was basically abandoned by her mother until she was 8 and her mother married and had another child. She has survived on her beauty, quit very job , school class when it became difficult and I was there to support her. I should have never allowed the violent outburst from the beginning. Regardless of what is happening now, throughout the 6 years of our relationship she had been faithful .. We shared everything l, we had no passwords protected. She is a good mother to our children she just has complete disregard for anyone else emotions including her family. I love my children which is why I have not files divorce yet. She has ended the relationship with the 50 yr old but is still constantly seeking admiration from others on line. She is not a **** just uses flirtation as a way of distraction. Can I move on? Yes, will I find someone else ? Yes. But isn't that the easy way out. I could file the divorce to force the issue... Just not emotionally ready to pull that trigger yet. What I have done is stop contact and reaching out. Pick kid up from daycare and drop them off there. No contact on weekends. She does reach out but if I don't respond , she sends hateful messages. I am only responding to positivity. At this point I don't have a plan.. But it's what u am doing now. Thanks again for all your comments... It's nice to have a forum to vent. Lastly afrr reading the early comments it may be my w has a type b personality disorder... Any one experience a relationship with someone like that?
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:50 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had affair. 2kids..please advise on how to deal

Throughout your relationship you have told your wife, through your words and actions that she has permission to do as she pleases:

Quote:
Originally Posted by wifehademotionalaffair View Post
*... I love her and believe that she needs help. I'm sure she knows that deep down you excuse her behavior. Which oddly enough, makes her disgusted with you

*She was basically abandoned by her mother until she was 8 and her mother married and had another child. This is an insult to every abandoned child who grew up to be a respectable, honest, trustworthy spouse. You enable her with lame - yes lame! excuses.

* She has survived on her beauty, quit every job , school class when it became difficult and I was there to support her.
You are her knight in shining armor. but your armor lost it's shine because you have proven (to her) to be less than a man. She seeks MEN on those websites.

*She is not a **** just uses flirtation as a way of distraction
How sweet of you to rationalize her actions.
You say she is a good mother yet in the very same breath: "...she just has complete disregard for anyone else emotions including her family."

She and YOU are teaching your children how to interact with family and in relationships. Your wife's actions are showing them that shunning others and spewing words of hate are acceptable.

If you had a crystal ball you would see that in 15 years your very own children will be in troubled relationships. Your boy acting like you - being cheated on. Your girl ... well, let's not go there.

But you are setting your kids up for a failed life. So a good mother? hardly. And you're not doing them any favors either. They depend on YOU. Your wife betrays you. You betray your children's future.
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A todos les llega su momento de gloria.
180 http://www.network54.com/Forum/23319...891381/The+180
Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676

Last edited by walkonmars; 01-26-2013 at 10:57 AM.
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