Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-26-2013, 06:39 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

One of the issues my wife and I are dealing with is the thought I committed adultery. I cant prove it or disprove it either way, as I lied about the evidence she found. So, I have lost her trust amongst other things, and due to our rocky issues with my verbal abuse over the years that has caused her to lose her heart to me, is there anything I can do to save this marriage? I have another thread which explains more of the other issues and details onto her evidence found. But, this topic is to see if we can get through this serious issue I caused.

here is a portion of what I posted in the other thread, as far as evidence



"Things have turned for the worst here. All me and I dont think recovery is going to happen.
To make a long story short, she found a couple things that point to affairs. Hard evidence. One was two escort contacts in my email. I did email them, but didnt follow through.

And second, an ****** ******* subscription for credits. This allowed you to contact others. I did make the profile, and did buy the credits, but never contacted anyone. A year later, I receieved and email notice wanting to know if i was still around and I logged in and paid to cancel the membership. I never ever did anything wrong. But, Doing what I did is just as bad as going through with it, in her eyes. Rightfully so as she cant prove or disprove it. Lies are apart of this on my part, so her trust in me is very poor. I totally support her in the way she feels.

I think I have some sort of issue with the feeling of getting caught, or pushing the envelope on whats right or wrong in this aspect. for two years I lived on the barracks 6000 miles away from my wife, and the immaturity of myself got the best of me.

I can honestly say I did not have any affair during my entire marriage. I know I can feasibly prove it, but it is true.
Regardless the damage is done.
If there is any constructive advise, I am all ears."
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Old 01-26-2013, 08:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Bubblehead View Post
One of the issues my wife and I are dealing with is the thought I committed adultery. I cant prove it or disprove it either way, as I lied about the evidence she found. So, I have lost her trust amongst other things, and due to our rocky issues with my verbal abuse over the years that has caused her to lose her heart to me, is there anything I can do to save this marriage? I have another thread which explains more of the other issues and details onto her evidence found. But, this topic is to see if we can get through this serious issue I caused.

here is a portion of what I posted in the other thread, as far as evidence



"Things have turned for the worst here. All me and I dont think recovery is going to happen.
To make a long story short, she found a couple things that point to affairs. Hard evidence. One was two escort contacts in my email. I did email them, but didnt follow through.

And second, an ****** ******* subscription for credits. This allowed you to contact others. I did make the profile, and did buy the credits, but never contacted anyone. A year later, I receieved and email notice wanting to know if i was still around and I logged in and paid to cancel the membership. I never ever did anything wrong. But, Doing what I did is just as bad as going through with it, in her eyes. Rightfully so as she cant prove or disprove it. Lies are apart of this on my part, so her trust in me is very poor. I totally support her in the way she feels.

I think I have some sort of issue with the feeling of getting caught, or pushing the envelope on whats right or wrong in this aspect. for two years I lived on the barracks 6000 miles away from my wife, and the immaturity of myself got the best of me.

I can honestly say I did not have any affair during my entire marriage. I know I can feasibly prove it, but it is true.
Regardless the damage is done.
If there is any constructive advise, I am all ears."
Comment on the bolded.....I really think your way of thinking is backward. YOU can't prove to her that you did not go through with it.
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Old 01-26-2013, 09:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

If you want things to improve, you need to be bending over backwards to regain her trust.

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and think about what you can do to help stop her from feeling so unsettled, wary, made a fool of, paranoid, fearful and all the rest. If your actions have made her feel this way it's your responsibility to put things right.

If the boot were on the other foot and your wife had lied and given you good cause to doubt her fidelity, what would you want her to do to make you feel better and believe you?
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Old 01-26-2013, 09:21 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

This sounds like the sort of post that is directed at the spouse. If it is, we probably aren't getting the real details. If it isn't and what you've written is the truth, then:

- Offer to take a polygraph. Your W doesn't believe that what she found isn't just the tip of an iceberg of bad things. Polys have a non-trivial error rate, but many people find the suggestion of them, and sometimes actually taking them, to be useful for dealing with trust that is broken because of lying.

- Get some counseling for the whole escort thing. Just the fact that you are trying to address it could help.
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Old 01-26-2013, 09:32 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

You checked out of your marriage. Checking back in will take time and counselling.
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Old 01-26-2013, 09:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

What have you done to change the damage to the relationship with her kids? Maybe there are some classes or counseling you could do in that area too.
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Old 01-26-2013, 10:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

OK, so I see from your W's thread that this is for her.

I will tell you that your story doesn't add up to me. If I don't buy that you haven't closed the deal with a prostitute at least once, it will be hard, I imagine, for your W to buy it.

If this is the truth, then you can try the poly.

Just your actions in searching these sites and actually paying for an account would be enough for me to call it quits. I'm sorry.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

And according to your W, what she found was only what you left by mistake after you deleted everything, so this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Your only shot, I think, is to tell the absolute truth. Start with what you deleted.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

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And according to your W, what she found was only what you left by mistake after you deleted everything, so this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Your only shot, I think, is to tell the absolute truth. Start with what you deleted.
Thats the problem, I did tell the truth. Took some serious words, but I did. I know its hard for people to believe, but not everyone follows through with everything they inquire with.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Comment on the bolded.....I really think your way of thinking is backward. YOU can't prove to her that you did not go through with it.
True, I cant prove I didnt. So, I guess its a moot point to try.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by Advocado View Post
If you want things to improve, you need to be bending over backwards to regain her trust.

Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and think about what you can do to help stop her from feeling so unsettled, wary, made a fool of, paranoid, fearful and all the rest. If your actions have made her feel this way it's your responsibility to put things right.

If the boot were on the other foot and your wife had lied and given you good cause to doubt her fidelity, what would you want her to do to make you feel better and believe you?
I fully agree, I made some stupid mistakes that have hurt and continue to hurt her. I dont think she can, no matter what, believe in me anymore. It will always be in the back of her mind.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is recovery possible from the thought of infidelity?

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Originally Posted by alte Dame View Post
This sounds like the sort of post that is directed at the spouse. If it is, we probably aren't getting the real details. If it isn't and what you've written is the truth, then:

- Offer to take a polygraph. Your W doesn't believe that what she found isn't just the tip of an iceberg of bad things. Polys have a non-trivial error rate, but many people find the suggestion of them, and sometimes actually taking them, to be useful for dealing with trust that is broken because of lying.

- Get some counseling for the whole escort thing. Just the fact that you are trying to address it could help.
There is more to the story, but not escort/etc. I contacted one, but never followed through. The other site I went to wasnt free, and once I paid, I realized it was stupid and irreversible. So, I called their customer service and asked for a refund. Never went through.
Yep, looks real bad, but it is the God honest truth.
I will look into Polys. I am sure they are available. Otherwise, its just time to move on.
People that cope or recover with their spouse after infidelity, or the thought of it, would be nice to hear from them.
I am willing to bend over backwards, but she was hurt once before by actual infidelity. She never really recovered from that I beleive.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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What have you done to change the damage to the relationship with her kids? Maybe there are some classes or counseling you could do in that area too.
The kids and I get along fine. No issues per say there.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
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You checked out of your marriage. Checking back in will take time and counselling.
Posted via Mobile Device
I want it back, but, it takes both parties to want it back. If I were in her shoes it would be very difficult. But possible.
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Old 01-26-2013, 12:51 PM   #15 (permalink)
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OK, so I see from your W's thread that this is for her.

I will tell you that your story doesn't add up to me. If I don't buy that you haven't closed the deal with a prostitute at least once, it will be hard, I imagine, for your W to buy it.

If this is the truth, then you can try the poly.

Just your actions in searching these sites and actually paying for an account would be enough for me to call it quits. I'm sorry.
I am not asking you to buy into the story. Only I know the truth, and I know I never committed adultery on my wife throughout our marriage. Its that simple, to me. I just looked into it. Why, well, that is the stupid thing. Just downright stupid. ANd I am and will pay for it.
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