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Should I give her a second chance

47K views 137 replies 51 participants last post by  happyman64 
#1 ·
Sorry for the long story but never in a million years did I think I would be writing this post. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 year and we have a great marriage. Of course we had our minor disagreements but no real fights. We have three great children and I have a job that allows her to not work full time. We have a great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn’t realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym.
It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. “I can’t talk to anyone else”; “I can’t tell **** (his girlfriend) because she wouldn’t understand the way you do”. You get the gist. His life sucks and my wife is a very empathetic person who responds well to that type of neediness.
So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the “friendship” was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him and all the other women in his classes. There is some important background her that I need to explain. We met in college when she was a freshman. I was her first and only sexual partner and although I asked her about that early on in our marriage, I had not asked if that was an issue for probably the last 5 or so years. So co-incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair.
The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). This all happened is the second half a December and early 2013 with the last occurrence the week of Jan 7th. I was getting suspicious and I am a very perceptive person. I started questioning the time she was spending with the OM even though most of the time they were together was focused on dancing it was still too much time. We had two or three discussions about it and they all ended with “we are just friends”. The week of Jan 7th I started getting really worried so on Friday I checked her cell phone for text messages. There was only one text so it was obvious to me that she was deleting them and keeping a secret. She has not ever kept any secrets from me in the 20+ years of marriage or while dating before that. I was very worried and checked the cell phone records online. I discovered a lot of short phone calls to the OMs cell phone. At this point I am worried but it was late and she was already in bed sleeping. I let it go for the night but the next night I noticed she was texting with someone so I discreetly took her phone to see what was going on. There was a few texted to the OM- it was during the playoff football game so most of it was referencing the game but the last text confirmed my gut feel. Although not overtly sexual, it was more flirty and funny but I still confronted her about it over dinner. I made the mistake of doing that in front of the children so she initially denied it. We went out for a long walk and after about 10 min of “it was an inappropriate friendship” and “there was some inappropriate touching” she told me the truth. I have not felt that type of pain since I was a child (alcoholic father so I am no stranger to pain and lies) but I never expected it from my wife. We got the children in bed and then talked the entire night. She gave me all of the details save one she was too afraid to discuss for fear of me kicking her out. We talked and cried for hours and discussed all the painful details. It really seemed to me that she was as shocked as I was- almost like she had an out of body experience and suddenly realized it was her that did those things. I saw true guilt and genuine remorse in her eyes.
Now I have to say that I am a very black and white type guy. Maybe that is due to my childhood but I am very strict about who I associate with. I once left a job because my boss lied to me and I don’t play golf with people who cheat. That’s just me so my very first reaction was to kick her out. So as we talked and cried on D-Day I was determined to find a way to kick her out. Amazingly enough as we talked I realized how much I truly love my wife and knew that there was no way I could ask her to leave. Despite the overwhelming pain and sorrow I know in my heart I cannot live without her. So after demanding all of the hateful details, the sexual and non-sexual, I started making a plan to save my marriage. She was forthcoming in all details except that it actually happened once in my house. She was afraid that first night that would have put me over the edge and I would have ended the marriage then and there. She was very adamant that she would do anything to save our marriage. I mean anything including letting me have an affair, getting a boob job, signing divorce papers very favorable to me that we lock in a safety deposit box as a deterrent (but don’t file unless she has another affair), no contact with OM, full transparency, STD test, and she suggested MC. I don’t think two wrongs right anything so the affair doesn’t interest me (just not something I would do and I don’t think it would help the situation). So after talking and crying all night I say I would at least make an attempt to save the marriage. We made love around 8:00 in the morning (crying the entire time) and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Strangely enough we have made love every day since D-day and still have the magical attraction we always have had. I called the OM on Sun night and ended the relationship. He is a scumbag that wasn’t interested in a long term relationship with my wife so I didn’t expect or get any resistance from him. My wife followed up with a NC letter and very stern discussion about how he wronged her. There will be no additional communication between the two as I am watching her cell phone log, all texts, and have a tracking device on her phone. She welcomes all these things and will do anything I ask on the transparency front.
We attended MC on the Wed following D-day and had a long and productive session. We had a follow up session on Sat (D-day plus on week) where she told me it happened in our house. Although I understand her hesitation at telling me initially it did cause me to question my initial desire to save the marriage. It caused me to question every detail of the affair and for the last week I keep asking her painfully detailed questions. She has answered every question without anger but with guilt and remorse in her eyes (along with a lot of tears). We have not disclosed this to anyone but our best couple friends who live out of state. I would prefer that no one ever find out and I think it would literally kill my mother because she is in poor health and absolutely reveres my wife. Also I sold my wedding ring to a gold dealer. I felt it was tainted and I couldn’t wear it anymore. My wife agreed to this but I told her when we feel we are really on the road to full recovery she can ask me to re-marry her. Then she can buy me a new ring as the symbol of our new (and hopefully stronger) commitment to each other.

At this point I understand what happened, understand how it happened, and I even understand how she could compartmentalize it so that she was not considering the enormous potential consequences of her actions. My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto “paper” is to ask for advice. I am as I said very black and white and also have a very difficult time with forgiveness. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage and still hopelessly loving my wife even though she was a WS. I have no fear of her ever doing this again. I should have more trust issues but I can see the pain, regret, and guilt in her eyes. We are going to continue MC and do our best to put this awful mess behind us.

So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance?
 
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#70 ·
Wow- passed the Poly with a 4.6% chance of being deceitful.
Asked the relevant questions: first affair, affair over, Protection used, times in house
All answers were as she already told me.
Positive first step and I feel bad about making her do that but she made her bed (pun intended)

she still works at the same gym but POSOM has left for fear of me kicking the crap out of him.
JD
 
#75 ·
Joe,

A lot of users are suggesting that you forgive her. I personally disagree with all of them. I know you love your wife, but to be honest, her account of what happened is what she wanted you to hear. The fact that she admitted it is, for lack of a better term, admirable, but the bottom line is that she cheated. Four times. I can only ask myself how a woman can receive "brief" oral from a guy, and be shocked. She knew what she was doing. I am also very black and white, and I find it impossible to stomach her bullsh*t. You have to ask yourself, say the tables were turned, do you think she'd give you a second chance? She has desecrated your marriage, forsaken her vows and tainted 22 years of faithful marriage. I say get those favorable divorce papers and get out. She cannot be trusted, and no amount of tears, sex or "punishment" is ever going to rescind her infidelity. I know that I wouldn't be able to maintain the facade of a happy marriage, when every minute of it would be spent distrusting my wife, and lamenting on very reasonable suspicions. In any case, good luck my man, I hope you make the right decision, and soon!
 
#80 ·
You know it is possible to divorce her AND reconcile with her. By divorcing you are putting the old marriage (which was obviously not as healthy as you thought it was out of its misery), gives you some closure, and gives her the opportunity to prove to you that she is worth a second shot.

Filing will either bring out the woman who wants to fight for her marriage, or it will cause the real her to come out of the shadows and show herself for the mean selfish monster she may be (my prediction).

If she earns the right to be your wife you can re-marry her and start over fresh.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#81 ·
Joe, are you going to let her continue to work at the same place? Have you considered the problems with that? When working on R oftentimes a clean slate is not only advisable it is necessary both for the BS and the WS. If she stays there won't she continue to experience the environment that the affair started and culminated in. Will she be able to mentally move on from the deceitful person she was during the affair if everything she sees on a daily basis reminds her of that person?
 
#82 ·
Given the body of evidence I have today and with the steps I am taking (including spying via VAR and other methods) I think (and will confirm) she is the woman that wants to fight for her marriage not the selfish monster.
I have told her that after 6 months she can ask me to re-marry her. I can accept or refuse based on her actions. Hence me selling my old wedding ring.
 
#83 ·
Joe,
Don't let her think "it's all over" because she didn't lie. You should ask some more questions such as: where else did they meet, who knew or supported the affair, what family problems did she discuss with him, what did she tell him about you.

And I completely agree w everyone else, no gym. The OM surly told all his buds that workout with him. In time, at least one will have a go at her knowing she's BTDT.

As someone else suggested, she needs to get a paying job and pay half of all expenses. If you divorce later, you might not get taken to the cleaners.

If it were me, I could never sleep in that house again. You know how much gall it took to take him there? He sat at your table, peed and deficated in your toilet, defiled your couch or bed. Smirking the whole time. That's a story he'll proudly tell all his friends. No f'ing way!
 
#85 ·
Gyms are notorious here for wives being seduced. Also, wives that go on GNOs, have long distance relstionships and travel for a living. Of course the worst seem to be workplace affairs. Your wife falls into two of those situations.
 
#90 ·
All divorce agreements must be approved by a judge. IMO There's absolutely NO WAY a judge will honor a pre arranged agreement for you to have full custody if she challanges that agreement. She's a SAHM you work full time. Case closed. Courts act on behalf of the best interest of children. They try to maintain status quo and stability. Cheating plays no role in most states.

Did you have a top drawer lawyer specializing in family law review the agreement? If not, it probably won't stand legal scrutiny. Protect yourself. You're in a hurry to have things get "back to normal" and put this behind you.

You can have a successful R, but be smart. Sharpen your wits.
 
#87 ·
I hear all this advice and I respect your opinions but as a child of an alcoholic I can normally tell when people are sincere. Although I had a lapse it was because I have had 22 years of not thinking it could ever happen in my home again. Now that I am aware I will be over zealous and paranoid.

Please keep the advice coming but for now I plan to R with a lot of trust but verify.
 
#96 ·
Hold on to your decision to R for a little while. Give it a month or two even if you decide to stay in the marriage for now... Let the emotions settle down before you actually decide to reconcile. and while revenge is not the intention or the end goal, your non-commitment to R should give her enough time to think about what she did. You don't suddenly decide f*xk someone at your home. You need to clearly find out on how she reached the mental state where she was ok with being so apathetic and borderline cruel to you and your feelings
 
#89 ·
Your wife worked at that gym, and he worked at that gym---they both know a pot full of people there, and i am sure that contacts are all over the place

Don't be so sure he left cuz he thot you were gonna put some muscle on him---but he has left, maybe???----how do you know he now doesn't come in there as a patron, or just to talk to peple he knows----YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO LEAVE THAT GYM YESTERDAY

You state you are gonna R, with trust, but verufy---if you immediately trust her, your verification methods, will disappear quickly----you better become a parole officer, and NOT trust for a good period of time

You are just being way to easy on your wife about this---you have let her right back into this mge, with no accountability/consequences whatsoever---so you have a signed set of D papers big deal----she cheated on you and got away with it, and if she hadn't been sloppy, you still wouldn't know

She now has a propensity to cheat, and believe me she will now know how to get away with it---if there is a next time---JUST WATCH YOURSELF------she is out of this mess clean, and she now knows she can get away with cheating and there will basically be nothing done by you!!!!!!!
 
#93 ·
Why are you resisting so much advice?

Not the 'don't R' nonsense. It can happen. It can happen. It's been done...frequently.

She needs to quit that gym. She is known there as an easy piece. She has 'memories' there. "Oh...that's where we shared a protein beverage. Shaken, not stirred." "That's where he kissed me the first time." "That's where I first felt him press his rampant penis against me when we danced."

You have your mental movies and triggers. Do you want HER to be able to relive those memories every time she tries to get her 'buff' on?

She needs to quit, and the management needs to know so she is OFFICIALLY a scarlet woman there.

You are also totally avoiding exposure. I understand why. I do. You don't want to look like an idiot or a wimp. You don't want HER reputation to be ruined by what you see as a overcomeable mistake.


You are being sympathetic, caring and reasonable. It won't work.

At the VERY least, she needs her parents to know. She needs to tell them herself. She doesn't get to go to Mom's and ***** about how you are an uncaring monster...that you leave the toilet seat up...and that you 'said that horrible thing'. Because her mother will take her side and look at you like the face of evil.

She put another man's penis in her vagina! That trumps a hell of a lot of so called emotional distress. It is emotional distress on steroids.

So she doesn't get to be Miss Perfect. It will be painful to shatter that image. She will NOT want to repeat that experience and transition from 'the girl who made a single horrible to mistake' to 'the girl who can't keep her panties on.'

A relapse and she gets to tell YOUR parents.

She deserves scrutiny and probing questions from the people who know her best (it isn't you.) The third degree she'll get from mom will help keep her on the straight and narrow.

Think of that as getting her some personal trainers in fidelity.
 
#98 ·
I think the VAR is his best bet to see how commited his wife is and the best way to protect him self from more deciet.
It takes time but if its real she will regain some trust, she will never get the blind trust you once had, but thats on her and another consequences she'll have to face cuz of her actions.

If she realy wants this marriage she will except all the consequences for her bad behavior. Some of the consequences will go away as trust is rebuilds and the yeasr pass, but some consequences will be with her for the rest of the marriage....thats a hard pill to swallow for most waywards.

Trust but verify!
 
#99 ·
Joe,

The title of this thread is "Should I give her a second chance?" That really isn't the question is it? The question is not should you give her a second chance or even does she deserve a second chance. The question is what will a second chance result in? You have taken a couple of small steps but now it looks like you are rugsweeping her affair. I urge you to reconsider the current course you are on and make good decisions going forward. Otherwise you will be back here asking "Should I give her a third chance?"
 
#100 ·
Re: R and the boob job.

Hope you're not seriously considering this. But if you are, you can PM me for advice. My wife got a boob job (against my advice) when she was in the midsts of her EA, 1 year before I discovered it and in preparation for the PA. Anyway, I now consider myself an expert on the use and care of fake boobs. Too bad I didn't have a better manual on person the fake boobs were attached to... :scratchhead:
 
#104 ·
I think I need to explain the boob job comment.
We live in the land of “bigger boobs while you wait” aka socal. That said my wife is the most ANTI-boob job person I have ever met. So this was not a case of me allowing her to get a boob job but a case of her doing something she would normally never do. I am really not interested in her doing that but I might make an appointment with a surgeon to see how serious she is in her commitment.
 
#106 ·
Well, you can't really do it unless your wife wants it - otherwise it's a form of mutilation/abuse.

If you BOTH decide to go ahead though - don't listen to the doctors who will say "80% of our patients say they wish they had gone bigger". Make sure they fit the frame and look natural. My stbxw was obsessed about her boobs. Her natural ones were B-cup - perky, and perfect, IMO. But she insisted stating (even angrily at times) "this is MY body. I am doing it for ME". So she did it. Turns out, she was in an EA with a man 12 years younger who apparently liked big boobs. My stbxw's frame is petit and her skin taut - so her fake boobs stick out instead of hanging naturally. As a result - you can see the under-boob scar-line when she is naked. Not my cup of tea.

You need to massage them vigorously post-op. At least twice a day. I helped with this... it was a tough job, but somebody had to do it.

And the funniest thing is my wife made me promise that I would not tell anybody. And I didn't until she cheated. Turns out that everybody knew but were too polite to comment.

Ohh, and they changed her golf swing too - for the worse! :rofl:
 
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