Husband talks to other women
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-27-2013, 11:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband talks to other women

Hi,

First time in here..I don't know what to do about my Marriage. My husband cheated on me once and we went to counseling for a short time afterwards. He didn't want to keep going and we ended up stopping our therapy. I needed to keep going and i wish we still were going. We have been married for 4 years and he constantly is talking with his " female friends". I still don't completely trust him and I don't know how to.

I went through his messenger account and phone and found 4-5 different women he talks to. They say to him God i wanna F**ck you so bad. He goes with it.

He says to them, " but do you think its possible after you being with someone for so long that kinda start to annoy you...ya love'em but they annoy an make ya think what life would be like without them...lmao


those were his words. I am an easy going person, we used to get along. We've been together for 8 years. I think i should get a divorce but i have no where to go, i'm a college student and i can't move back home.

I'm so lost, I can't take the lies anymore. He has a picture of a naked girl on the background of his phone and i ask him to remove it but he doesn't. We are married, who does that? he has his sports illustrated calendars up in our bedroom. He's stubborn, impossible to argue and communicate with.

Help
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Old 01-27-2013, 11:32 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks to other women

Who does that?
An entitled cheater. You best believe it's physical. He treats you like a piece of furniture he can push around.

You will always find a reason you can't leave. YOU don't have to leave just yet. Go to the leagal aid office in you college and see if they can help you start a divorce. He will need to give you some support until you can make it on your own.
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Old 01-27-2013, 11:46 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you. Unfortunately he is unemployed and I work and pay for everything right now. He was in the army for 3 years, deployed and came back and never found a decent job afterwards. He just applied to lapd last week.

I'll talk to legal aid at my campus. That's a good idea. thank you for that.

I just don't understand why he keeps doing it, we almost got divorced the first time around.. I asked him if that's what he wanted and he said no. maybe he didn't want to say yes to getting a divorce to my face. I don't know. he said if that's what he wanted he would say so.

From his comment above its seems that's what he wants. But he he says differently. Maybe I'm understanding wrong.
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Old 01-27-2013, 11:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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What makes him an entitled cheater? Me not standing my ground enough?

My not speaking up enough. what entitles him, why
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Old 01-27-2013, 11:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks to other women

Since you pay for everything already then he leaves. Tell him you want him gone. You can't leagally force him to leave but you can *demand* and see if he will leave.

I'm sure he is having some form of PTSD due to deployment. Suggest he go to a VA hospital for help. Right now, he's not in a "marriage" frame of mind and it will probably take years for him to heal. Staying with him will not be helpful to him no matter what you do.

But staying with him will make you feel like you're going insane.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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What makes him an entitled cheater? Me not standing my ground enough?

My not speaking up enough. what entitles him, why

I don't know WHY he feels entitled. But he ACTS like he is entitled because he just doesn't care what you think. If he wasn't this way before deployment, then I suspect PTSD. I saw that in some of my fellow returning Viet Nam vets.

War can make some people say "f it I'll do what I want from now on". I don't know if that is the reason but I wouldn't be surprised.
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Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Life021 View Post
Hi,

First time in here..I don't know what to do about my Marriage. My husband cheated on me once and we went to counseling for a short time afterwards. He didn't want to keep going and we ended up stopping our therapy. I needed to keep going and i wish we still were going. We have been married for 4 years and he constantly is talking with his " female friends". I still don't completely trust him and I don't know how to.

I went through his messenger account and phone and found 4-5 different women he talks to. They say to him God i wanna F**ck you so bad. He goes with it.

He says to them, " but do you think its possible after you being with someone for so long that kinda start to annoy you...ya love'em but they annoy an make ya think what life would be like without them...lmao


those were his words. I am an easy going person, we used to get along. We've been together for 8 years. I think i should get a divorce but i have no where to go, i'm a college student and i can't move back home.

I'm so lost, I can't take the lies anymore. He has a picture of a naked girl on the background of his phone and i ask him to remove it but he doesn't. We are married, who does that? he has his sports illustrated calendars up in our bedroom. He's stubborn, impossible to argue and communicate with.

Help
It sounds to me like your husband got used to the swinging-****, testosterone-filled lifestyle of a grunt and never really "came back". Where was he deployed? If he did his tour overseas, it certainly wouldn't shock me if he got a taste for something on the side over there. Especially if it was a mixed combat unit; friends that served at FOBs in Iraq told me that after combat ops, the adrenaline would be running so high that the barracks would sometimes resemble something out of Caligula. Also, you mentioned that his stint in the service was for three years. As the standard deployment period is 15 months, that's more than two deployments but less that three. Did he section out for something or get a DD?
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:11 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks to other women

Not a lot of details to go on, but...

You say that you are "an easy going person" but, come on, this guy is not the person you want to stay married to. There is easy going and then there is door mat.

He is showing complete disrespect. This will not get better and your situation will not improve if you stay with him.

You do not give your age but I am guessing that you are in your 20s. You are young. If you have been together for eight years then I can understand that he is a huge part of your emotional world.

But remember, YOU ARE YOUNG. You do not want or deserve to be in an unhappy relationship.

You can do better.

Do you have friends that you trust and can talk to?
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I do feel like i am going insane! wow. I hate the person i've become.

Our conselor concluded in our sessions that he has a mild case of PTSD. He definitly isn't in a marriage frame of mind at all. All his friends are single guys that constantly go to strip clubs and live their single lives and of course, being his friends, they invite him along and they don't treat him like he's married.

But back to the point - Since we are tight on cash, we live in our friends condo and their are two other guys that live with us. two bedrooms. Our side and their side kind of situation. So i really don't even want to stay where i am living.

I don't want to be divorced. I don't think i want to be his wife anymore either. I feel humiliated.

I could just file for the divorce, and just search for a place to stay.
Doing that and working and going to school and studying full time seem's like a lot of time i don't have until summer. But i can't keep putting this off like its a run to the grocery store.

thank you for the advice.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks to other women

Talk to your advisor at school. Let them know what's going on maybe they can help.

Go to the dean of your college, and the financial aid officer. There are many resources available to you at the college. See if you can become a dorm monitor to get your housing. Are you on work-study? PEL grant?

There's help available. Use it. And you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrased about.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Not a lot of details to go on, but...

You say that you are "an easy going person" but, come on, this guy is not the person you want to stay married to. There is easy going and then there is door mat.

He is showing complete disrespect. This will not get better and your situation will not improve if you stay with him.

You do not give your age but I am guessing that you are in your 20s. You are young. If you have been together for eight years then I can understand that he is a huge part of your emotional world.

But remember, YOU ARE YOUNG. You do not want or deserve to be in an unhappy relationship.

You can do better.

Do you have friends that you trust and can talk to?

Hi There-

Yes I am in my 20's. I don't like to talk to my sisters about this anymore because the moment we go over to see them he gets evil glares and its just a horrible time. No, not many people to talk to about this.

I used to consider myself a strong woman, but i think doormat right now is appropriate. Which makes me Furious to think that's what i've become.

I don't want to be in an unhappy relationship anymore, leaving just seems to be the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But i should just do it. Is it horrible that sometimes i wish he would just be the one to say He doesn't want to be with me anymore.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Talk to your advisor at school. Let them know what's going on maybe they can help.

Go to the dean of your college, and the financial aid officer. There are many resources available to you at the college. See if you can become a dorm monitor to get your housing. Are you on work-study? PEL grant?

There's help available. Use it. And you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrased about.


I appreciate the tips, those are very helpful. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not in any work-study programs but i definitely can be. I receive financial aid - However, I'm not left with a whole lot to use after tuition. Not anywhere close to live off of for the whole semester. But I make some money working. Housing is already close to $900 a month. I can't make that on my own- but i'll look into it some more - dorm monitor etc.

Thank you so much. It feels good to actually talk about this with people. I can see outside the box from different perspectives and advice.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks to other women

Could you find some kind of room for rent situation? That might be a lot cheaper and right work out for you. Or house about an efficiency apartment?
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I appreciate the tips, those are very helpful. I hadn't even thought of that. I'm not in any work-study programs but i definitely can be. I receive financial aid - However, I'm not left with a whole lot to use after tuition. Not anywhere close to live off of for the whole semester. But I make some money working. Housing is already close to $900 a month. I can't make that on my own- but i'll look into it some more - dorm monitor etc.

Thank you so much. It feels good to actually talk about this with people. I can see outside the box from different perspectives and advice.
Tell your instructors you are going through a crisis - especially if your grades are suffering. At least they'll know why. Look at the BBs at the student union for roommate sitchs.

Please follow up with the dean. Some colleges have reserve grant money available for hardship situations. You can do this. Start tomorrow.

Good luck!
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Wayward wife's sad storyhttp://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...ml#post1385676
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:24 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband talks to other women

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Originally Posted by Life021 View Post
I do feel like i am going insane! wow. I hate the person i've become.

Our conselor concluded in our sessions that he has a mild case of PTSD. He definitly isn't in a marriage frame of mind at all. All his friends are single guys that constantly go to strip clubs and live their single lives and of course, being his friends, they invite him along and they don't treat him like he's married.

But back to the point - Since we are tight on cash, we live in our friends condo and their are two other guys that live with us. two bedrooms. Our side and their side kind of situation. So i really don't even want to stay where i am living.

I don't want to be divorced. I don't think i want to be his wife anymore either. I feel humiliated.

I could just file for the divorce, and just search for a place to stay.
Doing that and working and going to school and studying full time seem's like a lot of time i don't have until summer. But i can't keep putting this off like its a run to the grocery store.

thank you for the advice.
Since you are paying for everything and the only one working then I would try to find something small that you can afford, maybe another room mate situation that you can be happier with. I wouldnt mention it to him at all I would just be gone one day when I got it all arranged and be gone!
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