What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-28-2013, 03:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

I was wondering, signs of lying....cheaters are very good at it! And it is almost impossible to pinpoint them. But everyone has them, and all signs are different. And indeed, in my research, just because a 'sign' is there, it doesn't mean a definite lie. So what were the signs of your wayward?

(Edit: When I mean signs of lying, I mean the physical signs as they lie to you face. Not the signs of cheating.)

I don't usually like these kind of posts, but I haven't seen one that asks this before. And I am interested in if there is a general lying signs script of cheaters, along with their word script.

Mine initially was when we got to a certain point he would get angry and defensive and walk out. I knew after a while of getting this that he was protecting his lies. I only learnt this once I came here.

Often, when I bring a certain bit up his hands start shaking. I believe his nervousness is due to his lying.

His 'I don't know's, frequent. And then his changed stories. And then after a while of I don't know and I can't remember, suddenly he can! Suddenly he remembers again.

Though some of these are circumstances that he dropped himself into, what I am interested in is the SIGNS of lying, at the time that they are doing it. I wish I was better at detecting them, though I think deep down I know. They are so subtle. But I am pretty sure of quite a few things. And that he is lying. Shame there isn't a red beacon above their head that goes off each time they lie! It would be so much easier.
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Originally posted by TRy: Question: How does a cheater say screw you? Answer: They say "trust me".
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When the story does not make sense, that is because it is not true. When you get the truth, it all will make sense.

Last edited by Remains; 01-28-2013 at 12:57 PM.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

For me it was the anger she directed at me. Seems obvious in retrospect.

She would be on Facebook and I would come upstairs and ask her to come snuggle with me. Then she would blow up and yell at me saying, "you spend all that time on your game, and as soon as you are done I'm supposed to drop what I'm doing? Not going to happen!"

What she said wasn't unreasonable. But the anger in the way she said it was key. If she wasn't feeling guilty about it, she wouldn't have been so pissed off.

Turns out she was having cybersex with multiple OM over FB chat. She lied to me about until I presented her with a word for word transcript of one of her sessions.
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Old 01-28-2013, 07:57 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

He opened his mouth.

I'm not trying to be too flippant here, but the last year of our marriage there was precious little that came out of his mouth that wasn't a lie. His family, his attempts to work, his art, his cellphone, how he felt about me, the children, my cooking. Everything.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

Anger and defensiveness, big red flags almost always. My WS's affair was with a co-worker and when it was active, he all of a sudden had to work until 5pm without question (that's when she was off work; his normal schedule isn't as late). When I called him out on his all of a sudden inflexible schedule he again got angry and defensive.

My WS was pretty transparent it seems. He didn't realize how much his behavior changed during that time but it was more than obvious to me he was lying about something.

He once tried lying to me about something he did after work. He came home on a Friday much later than he normally would. I asked him where he had been (I was already onto his suspicious behavior at this point, it was shortly before dDay) and he told me he had been at the store looking at different tackle and such for fishing. He came home with absolutely nothing which was quite unlike him....he's a spender and cannot go into a store, any store, without buying something, even if it's just a bottle of water.

As it turns out, the other BS compared notes after dDay and that day the two WS's had been trying to get time alone together but the other BS came home early and tracked his WS down to go out to dinner. Blew the WS's plans out of the water. That day was the day the other BS became suspicious as well.

All the signs of lying were there and my WS isn't a very good liar, as it turns out.
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

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Originally Posted by Pluto2 View Post
He opened his mouth.

I'm not trying to be too flippant here, but the last year of our marriage there was precious little that came out of his mouth that wasn't a lie. His family, his attempts to work, his art, his cellphone, how he felt about me, the children, my cooking. Everything.
Exactly the same for my STBXW. Even when she smiled, or when we made love, it was all a charade. We took a 3 week vacation in July/Aug last year. Great time, kids were with us but we had alone time too. Golfed, walked hand in hand along the beach and talked about "our" future. Laughed together. I actually was stupid enough to think we were re-connecting. Within two weeks of returning she was being introduced to other men by her toxic friends. One month later we were separated, just shy of our 25th Anniversary.

So when she opens her mouth, I know she's lying. That's a sure sign.

She's started lying directly to our daughters now, too. And she blames me when they get angry at her!
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Old 01-28-2013, 08:12 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

I would say his schedule was different than it had been in years, leaving for work earlier, coming home a lot later, missing the dinner all together, he was just so busy at work, always had to be there.
He also would pick fights out of the blue and be out of the house in a storm, to go see her, it does made sense now.
His gaslighting If I ask about his long hours at work he would turn things on me about being sucspious or ungrateful for him providing a good life for our family.
He basically lied to me everyday for months, he never looked at me when I started to ask if something was going on and with a certain someone said it was just my imagination, your gut knows.....it was right.....
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

My stbxw would being leaving earlier and earlier for work, staying later and later. She began hanging out with new friends, lost interest in our friends, dressed different, got new birth control, guarded the phone with her life. It was all pretty standard stuff, I was just blind to it. When accused she would get defensive, gas light like crazy, and trickle truth me to death. One thing that I learned in my situation, which I'm sure other BS can relate too as well, is that the cheater doesn't realize that you (the loyal one) knows how to read them. They conveniently forget that while they forgot/don't care about loving you, you were loyal, trusting, and loving and know them better than anyone. Its insulting.

Its like finding a "tell" in poker. I could read my wife's eyes like a book, I always knew there was something wrong but I couldn't prove it for the longest time. She would also always play with her fingernails and press them against another as a nervous habit. Subtle cues told the whole story, I was just too far in denial to realize it.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:04 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

Tired to convince me I was crazy and it was just a close friendship. guarding her cell phone, going in early and staying late at work
She screamed it with her body language, I was just to blind to see it.

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Old 01-28-2013, 11:44 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

I would ask who he was texting and he would say his friend Ed.

Had to pick up his check on his day off so we would have money when we went out to do our running around, but it was to see her while I was at work.

Would call work and he was never there and then would call cell phone and it wouldn't be on.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

It was all about his behavior. I knew for a long time I just could not get any evidence. He was attached to his Iphone, suddenly the amount of text messages received was less, sex life changed, attention to me and my son was not there, no calls during the day, no texts and no emails. It was too obvious; I have to say Dday for me was more of a relief than a painful situation.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

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Originally Posted by Grey Goose View Post
It was all about his behavior. I knew for a long time I just could not get any evidence. He was attached to his Iphone, suddenly the amount of text messages received was less, sex life changed, attention to me and my son was not there, no calls during the day, no texts and no emails. It was too obvious; I have to say Dday for me was more of a relief than a painful situation.
^^ this. Extremely secretive with his cell phone. More meticulous than usual about his appearance. And kept telling me my paranoia that he was up to something was from post-partum 'crazies', as he so lovingly called it, and stated that was why he wasn't spending time at home, I was driving him away.

Finding out my hunch was right was an absolute relief....NO, I WASN'T CRAZY!
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

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Originally Posted by strugglinghusband View Post
Tired to convince me I was crazy and it was just a close friendship. guarding her cell phone, going in early and staying late at work
She screamed it with her body language, I was just to blind to see it.
What was her body language?

That was what I was wanting from this thread. Not so much the signs of cheating, but the physical signs of lying.

I think another thing my man does is that when he is lying he insists more but explains less. And he would bring things into the issue that I never had, or turn one thing into something else. I guess that is his guilty conscience screaming at him and making his brain foggy. Therefore, the only thing on his mind is that, that he is trying to avoid. And so it comes out sideways.
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Originally posted by TRy: Question: How does a cheater say screw you? Answer: They say "trust me".
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Originally Posted by Will_Kane View Post
When the story does not make sense, that is because it is not true. When you get the truth, it all will make sense.
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Old 01-28-2013, 12:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

She would not get into subjects on affairs.
In hindsight, all these were straight on my face, I did not pick up those lies. So trusting was I.
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Old 01-28-2013, 01:07 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

My ex's signs were:
  • Anger and defensiveness as others have said

  • Treating me like absolute garbage (tone of voice, calling me names, acting impatient at everything I did...) to being sickeningly sweet the next (fetching me drinks, telling jokes, buying presents, checking if I needed him to get me anything on the way home.)
  • I've read a bit about lying in the aftermath of this. Contrary to what others believe (and we often read in magazines) looking away when speaking IS NOT a sign of lying. Looking you dead in the eyes without looking away is. He did that too.
    There is also something called the "duper's grin" when people smile when they tell a lie - they often try to mask it/don't know they're doing it. He did that too.
  • Starting fights out of nothing and then leaving the house - he never just took off even at our worst fights. Now he was starting fights over non-issues (I asked him to repeat himself about what time he had to start work and he flipped out) and getting in the car and driving off. - This was probably a cover to go see an AP.

Other obvious signs (obvious now, not obvious then) were:
  • New obsession with working out - he'd always been active enough but put more emphasis into working out. At the time, I assumed he was trying to manage his diabetes better.
  • New clothes, new cologne, new shoes. He'd been dressing pretty scrubby for years before that.
  • Cleaning the car - he's a slob and had been for years, now it was always wiped down and vacuumed.
  • Going outside in the dark to sit at the fire pit or dock (it was pitch black outside) with no fire lit and taking cell with him at night
  • Never making progress on his real estate course even though I gave him ample time to study.
  • Saying things like, "How do I know you're not upstairs talking to men on your computer?" He could have just said, "Just so you know, I'm downstairs talking to women on my computer." For it was that out of character for me to even assume that of me and to people that've been cheated on and realized it -- blatantly obvious that he was projecting.
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Old 01-28-2013, 03:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: What signs of lying did your cheating SO give?

A couple weeks after my d-day Dr Phil had a show about liars it mentioned ways to spot a liar & sure enough stbxh did some of them the day I confronted him.

It was mentioned that the liar will try to put a physical wall up. Stbxh left the room & sat at our dinning room table so the table was between him & I after I started my confrontation.

Another thing was touching their face ecspecially their mouth when they lie. Stbxh sat with his hands cupped to his mouth & chin while he denied his A.

They also said liars will say no but then nod their head yes...the nod is the truth not the words. I've never experienced this first hand.

Like it was mentioned before we were loyal & observant. Others may have known them their whole lives (their parents & siblings) but nobody knows them like their spouse.

I know my stbxh's eyes, I was trusting so I wasn't looking but the moment he started a fight over nothing & I looked into his eyes I could see something was not right. I finally listened to my gut instead of listening to him telling me I was crazy.

For me his verbal cues are if I speak the truth he will respond "are you crazy?" or "what are you talking about?" this gives him a second to think of his next lie.
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