Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-29-2013, 08:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

My best friend is gone.

We've known each other for 15 years. Been best friends since high school. I always wanted to be with her, but at the time, the interest wasn't returned. So I was content to be the friend, hear about all the other guys and their problems. I dated, and maybe loved, a few women myself. But through all of it, I daydreamed about getting that chance. After high school, that finally happened. We both fell for each other, and we just knew we were done searching. Engaged two years later, married two years after that, celebrated a 4th anniversary back in October, and were making big plans for our 5th.

We were both happy, or at least I thought. Not perfect. Truth be told, over the last year or so, I had gotten a little complacent. I wouldn't say neglectful, but I know I wasn't meeting all of her emotional needs, and I could have done better. In November she sat me down, talked it all out, and I knew I had to change, and was working towards it.

Around the same time, she reconnects with one of her old high school BFFs (a girl) that she hadn't really seen or spoken to in a year and a half. She had also been in a long term relationship, and had recently left the guy for the same issues of neglect/complacency. I don't know if this sowed the seeds in my wife's mind, or if it was just a coincidence. I didn't think anything of it at the time, I was just happy they were hanging out again.

They make plans to go out to a club one night. They invited me along, but I figured they should have a girl's night out. And to be honest, night clubs have never really been my thing. That night, my wife makes a new guy friend, a mutual friend of her girlfriend.

A week or so later, I notice that she's suddenly texting...a lot. Normally our phone bill would only have 200-300 texts per month on her line, but now the phone is constantly dinging. I happen to look over her shoulder, and see his name. Ask her who he is, she tells me how they met, says he's "just a friend". She's had guy friends in the past, so I don't think much of it.

But it continues. Texting all the time. And now she's more guarded with her phone. I playfully express some jealousy, although suspicion is starting to prickle in the back of my mind. She continues to wave it off..."just a friend". Towards the end of December I look at the phone bill, and her 200-300 norm has spiked to over 2000 messages since meeting this guy in mid November, and over 1000 with him. Now I'm getting worried, but I wave it away. She wouldn't do that. She's always been the biggest defender of fidelity, always gets so angry when a celeb or politician is caught in a scandal. "If you're going to go after someone else, there's no excuse not to break it off with your current partner first."

She's also spending more time out with her friends. Never mentions him or if he'll be there. I assume it's all girlfriends. The night of 12/30, a Sunday, she goes out about 6 pm, says she's meeting up with this same girlfriend. For some reason my gut tells me to check, and through "Find my iPhone" I see she's at someone's house - but it's not her girlfriends. She comes home around midnight (very out of the norm for her on a week night), and says they just went to the mall, and back to the girlfriends to see a movie.

After she goes to sleep, I check the phone. I look at the texts, and I know she was with him, probably by herself (text to him that evening says "I'm here", not "we're here", as it should if she was with a friend). There's also a bunch deleted - per the phone records, there should be a couple hundred more than the ones I saw. I'm shell shocked. I don't sleep all night, and when she gets up the next morning, I confront her. First mistake, should have waited for more evidence. She admits they went over to his place, but that her girlfriend was with her, it was a spontaneous plan, and they really did watch a movie. Didn't want to tell me last night because she knew I'd be upset, but they really are "just friends."

I say fine. But I want to meet him. They next time they're all going out to the club/bar, I want to go. She hesitates, says that's not a good idea, and it would be awkward. Doesn't explain why. Now I just have more suspicions. Then, out of nowhere, she starts talking about how she thinks she might need some space, might go live with her mom for a while. That we've been having our own problems (true, from the talk in October), and now I'm being irrationally jealous. I talk her down from that, and she goes to work (I take the day off, having got no sleep that night).

That night we go to a New Year's Eve party with some friends. She's on the phone texting all night. Every time I see it, I pocket dial her, interrupting her texting. Tell her jokingly that we're here to spend time with friends, not our phones. She laughs it off, but I sense some irritation. On the way home that night, I decide that enough is enough. We've always had a promise to each other that if we had a friendship that made the other uneasy, we'd cut it off, no questions. I invoke that deal, tell her that I don't like this, that I want her to cool it with him while we're working on our own issues. She's only known him for a little over a month, that shouldn't be a huge sacrifice. She flips. I'm controlling, I don't get to tell her what to do. She packs her things that night, and leaves. Happy New Year.

I wasn't sure if there really was an EA, or if I was being crazy. I thought maybe it really was all about me. So I chased. Begged. No 180. Second mistake (first being the too-early confrontation). We did spend sometime together that week, and one night I ask her what her weekend plans are. She's going to the aquarium with her girlfriend. Alarms go off in my head - I remember from the texts I read a few nights ago that the OM is into aquariums. I ask if she's driving there, she says yes. Another alarm - this girl hates driving in the city, so to voluntarily do it on a weekend night? No way. I don't question it though. I give her a couple days of space, then the night she's there, I text her to ask her how it's going. No answer. I call a few hours later, trying to see if she has plans the next day. No answer. I check the phone details online - I see texts to her girlfriend (that she's supposedly there with), but not a single text to or from the OM. My heart sinks.

The next day, she comes over to get some more of her stuff. I ask her again about last night. She sticks to the lie. I confront her again. With the evidence in front of her, she says that yes, he was there - her and her girlfriend invited him at the last minute. The texts between her and the girlfriend were about things they didn't want him over-hearing. I didn't ask what. Then I get the "I'm not in love with you" speech. She's not sure she ever did. This was all a mistake. Totally whitewashed the past 8 years together. She's done, this is over. I have to accept it, she says. She didn't tell me about the OM the night before because she didn't want me going down the wrong track. He's just a friend, this is really about you. She wants a divorce. I'm just floored. It hasn't even been a week since she left. In the next couple days she wastes no time opening up her own bank account, severing as many financial ties as she can, getting more stuff out of our apartment, etc. Full speed ahead to D.

So the next week, I chase her some more. But my gut is eating at me. There's more to the story than this. So finally, I take the plunge, and I get all the texts and photos from her phone. Won't explain how I did it, but it was an invasion of privacy, and I don't feel good about it. But I had to know.

And it was all there. Flirtacious texts. Calling each other babe, sexy, cutie, etc. Sexual innuendo. Talking to her girlfriend about her feelings for him. All of this, spanning from before she left, and after. Texts proving that on multiple days after leaving, she had gone over to his place. Even worse, she trashes me to her friends, and to the OM. Psycho, loser, weirdo. "Psycho just won't get it, we're done." I think that hurt more than anything else, but I figure that was her way of dealing with the guilt of the affair. She was supposed to be my best friend. I did see texts to her girlfriend saying that she no longer had feelings for him, only wanted to be friends with him now. But they were recent, from the same day I obtained them.

I said nothing to her, but the next day, she must of figured out I had all of this, and that she was busted. She comes over, tells me I need to know everything. The first time she met him, he hit on her, she shut it down. A couple weeks later, they went out as a group again, they were dancing, he was kissing her neck. She shut it down again. The weekend before she left, they all went out again, he tried to kiss her, and she didn't stop it. They made out. She swears that's as far as it went. Admitted that the night of the 30th, when she was over there watching a movie - she was alone, and it had been the plan the whole time. Night at the aquarium? Same thing, her and him alone, always the plan. That she did have feelings for him, but they had passed, and they really were just friends now.

But she argued that she hadn't cheated. There as no affair here, EA or PA. Her leaving really was still all about me, nothing to do with him. No remorse from her. Guilt about lying, sure - and she said she only lied because she didn't want me thinking she left for someone else. But I think if she hadn't found out I knew, she never would have come clean (if you can call that coming clean). I thanked her for her honesty, and she left.

A couple days later, after stewing on it, I emailed her, and told her that until she could admit that this was an affair, and show some remorse about it, there was nothing here to salvage - relationship or friendship (which she told me throughout the separation that she really hoped we could stay friends). That I was willing to forgive her, but I can't forgive what she's not sorry about. She wrote back that she had apologized for lying, and the rest of this was simply "semantics" that she wasn't going to talk about anymore. The OM had nothing to do with her leaving, that she has no romantic interest in him, and no romantic interest in me. And she's not sure if she even wants to be friends with someone who thinks she's a cheater. I told her, I don't think you're a cheater, I know you are. And left it at that.

Haven't talked to her since. It's been a few days now. I don't know if she's in a fog, I don't know if this was just an exit affair. I don't know if it's too late, if I made too many mistakes dealing with this. I still have the evidence, I could expose, but is there a point to it? All I know is that I miss my friend. I know that we can't go back to this M, that I could probably never trust her again, even if she wanted to try for R. But I miss her friendship. I just keep reminding myself that friends don't treat each other this way. That she's a stranger now. But it still hurts, that 8 years together, and a bright future, have all been seemingly destroyed in a span of four weeks.

Sorry this is so long. If you read this far, thanks. Guess I'm just looking to vent.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

I guess I should add that I know what I have to do. Lawyer up, and serve her. I'm still not sure if I want to pursue grounds of adultery. In my state, I only need enough circumstantial evidence to prove a desire and an opportunity to have intercourse. I think I have that. But I'm not sure if it's worth the inevitable extra money.

We have no kids. No property (apartment lease is up in March, she's moving into a new place with a room mate, I'm settling with my parents while I regroup and figure out where I want to go). Joint account is already closed (we both took our pieces of it beforehand). It should be a simple divorce if I go with no-fault, but I still hate the idea of just letting her get away with all of this with no consequences. Then again, what does filing with fault really do other than some public shame (I still haven't exposed anything to anyone besides my own immediate family, because I needed someone to talk to).

I guess a small part of me still wants to believe she's in the fog. That if she gets served at work, and knows I'm serious, maybe she'll have second thoughts about all of this. I guess that's impossible as long as she doesn't think she did anything wrong. I don't know why I have that hope - I still don't think I could take her back, but I guess I at least want to see her try to make an effort.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

Yes she is in the fog and the best way to get her out of it is wishing her the best do everything you can to push her to the otherman and and smile as she engages you.

A tactic that will get her to think twice in what she is about to lose when she see's how confident you are in letting her go.

You made soem misstakes doen the road but you are were you are and no is the time to regroup no more begging but do what you can to bring the two of them together.

See this tactic shows what a fantasy this all is whne you sen d her on her way. tell other why you are sending her on her way and cut her off finaciall y now that she has someone else to support her.

In short bring the reality of what she want to the very front of her mind. You are gone she now has OM for what ever you were providing her.

I get you love her but until she gets a taste of the reality of her choices she will remain in the fog.

Give her everything she wants even bring the kids over to stay with the OM...again another tast of the reality she has not a clue about.

Get it?
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:16 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

No kids, then wish her the best , Find OM place and drop off all her crap at his house.

Again you are happy for her, smile and help her move on with her new life ASAP.........a tactic that will not only shock you wife, but the OM as well.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

You're on the right track. Dump her.

You're already a couple steps ahead. You know when you don't see true remorse. Find a faithful woman and move on with your life. You're too young to waste time with a cheater.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

She will get out of the fog soon enough when she is walking around town with all her crap wondering were she will go next and why the OM doesn't want her and her baggage.

I know you love he man, but this tactic of swift desisive action on your part will break that fog down like no bodies business.

You and her can regroup after the OM bails on her.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

Until the Om is out of the picture and sees he isn't a night in shining armour all is lost, what better way to prove that he is a night in shining armour when she comes knocking on his door wih all her crap, no cell phone, no car insurance, health insurance and no money period.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

I don't make friends with people that lie to and about me.

I don't put up with anyone who would belittle me in a cowardly way. If you think poorly of me and want to express it to anyone. Express it to my face first.

And the "fog" is a a bullsh1t excuse. Tell her to hit the road. Have some dignity.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

Bring these two together, expose it and welcome it, it will just be a matter of time that it was all just a fantasy and the man she really loves cuz he realy loves her is you.

make her face this choice to be with some one else so she can see what he really is.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

The tough love and perception of postive renforcment with her choice will do 2 things, it will get this crap moving on and it will show your wife that this guy doesn't love her as much as he tells her.

I bet once this guys sees that she is now his problem he will bail.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:31 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

The POS is banking on the fact that you will beg and hang on to her and support her while he gets all the benifits. Prove him wrong!

Even if your chick is laying to him all the more reason to move out and get away from this terrible husband. let him get a taste of her real BS .......the sooner the WW and AP get together the sooner the affair will break up.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:32 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

Note to self. If your young wife wants to go to a club with her single friend and wants you to go ... go.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

I know first hand how hard a pill is to swallow, but tough love will push her away, nice guy begging to work it out will push her away....the only way to get her back is to push her away with the best acting you can muster up and move her into the othermans arms so that the realtiy sets in and the fog lifts....especially when the OM wants no part of your plan......get it?
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

She was likely never as into you as you were into her. Starting from the very first, and I mean HS. It didn't take a whole lot for the other guy to get her to drop her skivvies, less than a week - her denials notwithstanding. It took you several years to get to 1st base.

She just didn't have the courage to cut you loose in a civil way - nor the integrity to do it without cheating. She tried him on for size to see if she was capable of forming a bond with someone else.

She probably found him to be too flirtatious and a player with other girls so she cooled it with him but found that thrill of newness hard to resist. She's gone. Good riddance. Count your blessings you didn't have kids with her.
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Old 01-29-2013, 08:38 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA, turned PA, then left. Doesn't think she cheated.

Thanks everyone.

Couple of things:

She did say that her and the OM were no longer interested in each other (or at least she's not interested in him). Normally I'd say she's still lying, but I did see the texts to her girlfriend saying the same thing, and that was before she knew that I had any evidence. So I'm inclined to believe her on this point. Yet she's still adamant about getting out. That said, they are still friends. I wonder if she still has unresolved feelings that she won't even admit to herself. Or if she's just still riding the high of the EA/PA, and she's thinking that she'll be able to move onto someone else quickly to fill that void (anyone but me, I guess).

As for her finances, she took all the steps to take care of herself while I was still begging her to slow down before doing anything drastic. She has her own account now, own phone, own insurance. Her car's been paid off for a couple years now. She doesn't make great money, less than me, but she'll be sufficient on her own (at least until she has a big medical expense, car breaks down, or something along those lines).

And all the talk about positive reinforcement, trying to be happy for her. Our last email exchange was fairly bitter, and since then I've put up a no contact barrier. Should I knock that down, fake an apology for my anger, and show support (while still moving to file for D, of course)? Or keep out of contact and, if she decides to, let her come to me?
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