found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-30-2013, 03:33 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

I'm a 25 good looking guy and I've been engaged this girl now for just over two years. I've only choosen to be in a few serious relationships (single digits still) and never been big on the "casual sex" thing, it just doesn't give me the same feeling as when you're connected with someone.... so I don't date just anyone. And this is the only time I've been engaged... I take commitment very seriously

I'll try to keep this post short but I really need help... and after reading these threads I finally feel I might get some answers...


I've never cheated because the first "relationship" I had I was cheated on and forgave, just to be hurt again. That being said I dated a woman for over four years and never felt anything like I do/did for this one.

She's everything you could hope for. Or so I thought..

I had told her cheating was the one thing I couldn't tolerate in a relationship and we spent 10+ hours everyday together till I got back to work in June. We made a mutual couple friend who we hung out with 2-3 times a week at the start of Sept. By the end of Oct the couple had split and we remained social with the male...

My girl wasn't working and I had a m-f night shift job, so naturally I became to trusting and was OK with them hanging out alone after I left for work at 9pm...

Well new years the three of us headed down to her dads and I worked remotely from her dads office that night (someone has to pay the bills). And around 2am I come out and find the love of my life with her face smashed on his full on making out. I confronted her and she swore it was a mistake and that's the first time.... I was crushed so I left alone and went back to the apt we share (she continued to mess around and had oral and regular sex with him AFTER I caught them kiss and left pissed).... we talked for almost # days straight and she swore it was only a kiss... so I forgave (she was plastered that night and she never drinks so I was willing to be fair).... even was so dumb as to try to "win back" her affection and pampered her that Friday. At this point the OM hadn't been welcome but she asked me to try to save our friendship and I finally said OK as long as it was JUST a kiss and it won't happen again we can forget it... long story short about two weeks later she confessed... impulsively even prehaps... that they had slept together twice and she had given him head at least three times plus tons of cuddle nights (pg ones but still emotionally intimate) ... she had real pain and regret in her eyes and every red flag in my emotional mind is telling me to get out of dodge now...


However logic deserves a say in any decision not associated with regret... that being said I'm not defending her just helping you understand the whole picture... she's never been cheated on and I honestly believe she did it purely out of intreque and taboo.... the physically part I can get past.....but not the lies... and what really scares me is after reading so many threads I see common occurances...she told me it was quick, he was small, and it was unenjoyable. she said she started crying immediately after the second time... I kn ow

She has taken steps to show me how bad she feels. She feels taken advantage of and all I feel is sickness... I can't stop picturing the acts... and thinking how it happened when I was at work making money to pay our bills... we left everything and loaded up the car to drive
ccross the country to start a new life as equal partners.. and I'd like to think we can make it and dispite everything I still love this woman and want it to work.... its just im writing this from a truck stop unable to stop thinking about it... and just don't have anyone to offer sound advice, everyone is so quick to judge.....

Thank you and PS.
And do these feeling of insecurity ever fade?
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

Hi.
You are probably still in denial and shock. Don't make any decisions right now. First stage is denial, second is anger. You haven' teven hit that yet.

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And around 2am I come out and find the love of my life with her face smashed on his full on making out. I confronted her and she swore it was a mistake and that's the first time.... I was crushed so I left alone and went back to the apt we share (she continued to mess around and had oral and regular sex with him AFTER I caught them kiss and left pissed).... we talked for almost # days straight and she swore it was only a kiss... so I forgave (she was plastered that night and she never drinks so I was willing to be fair).... even was so dumb as to try to "win back" her affection and pampered her that Friday. At this point the OM hadn't been welcome but she asked me to try to save our friendship and I finally said OK as long as it was JUST a kiss and it won't happen again we can forget it... long story short about two weeks later she confessed... impulsively even prehaps... that they had slept together twice and she had given him head at least three times plus tons of cuddle nights (pg ones but still emotionally intimate)
She has zero respect for you. This is pretty evident from your own words. I can understand the only a kiss thing but to continue AFTER you caught them is horrible.
  • Cheaters try and minimize the truth about their actions.
  • They lie to your face and will continue to do that for as long as they can get away with it.

There is so much advice for you here but the first thing you need to think about is

Will you ever be able to forgive her? The motivation for R here is often many years together, married, shared property and children.
You have none of those.

I am so sorry you are here. More people will be along soon, in the meantime read a few other threads here. The stories are remarkably similar as people act in a predictable way.
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:10 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

Eh troll I'm sorry
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

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Originally Posted by lostbutnotalone View Post
...she told me it was quick, he was small, and it was unenjoyable. she said she started crying immediately after the second time... I kn ow

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Sorry to tell you this, but not only is she a manipulator she is a ball-faced liar. No woman goes back to have sex with a guy multiple times if it was not enjoyable.

C'mon man.....
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:36 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

The fact that she carried on after you found her kissing him (why didn't she chase after you sobbing and apologizing?) should tell you everything you need to know. You can't trust this woman and you never will again. She's not marriage material, I'm sorry. Please find someone who will respect you and love you right. I don't think this is a case where something can be "fixed" but if you think it is, you should seeking couples counseling with her.

The fact that she says she feels taken advantage of is a big red flag. She's not owning up to her fault. She needs to show real remorse, regret and acceptance of fault.
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Old 01-30-2013, 04:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

Go with the gut. Get the he'll out of Dodge.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:11 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

I havent posted my story yet, I havent wrapped my head around my issues.

I do have advice though. In the 4 serious relationships I had that ended with the other person cheating, it always started the same way. The early signs were there, they would be big flirts, or be over friendly with my friends etc.

My advice is to take this as a warning sign and get out now please.
You can forgive her, you can tell her you love her, but you need to love yourself more and go before you are in any deeper.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by karma45 View Post
I havent posted my story yet, I havent wrapped my head around my issues.

I do have advice though. In the 4 serious relationships I had that ended with the other person cheating, it always started the same way. The early signs were there, they would be big flirts, or be over friendly with my friends etc.

My advice is to take this as a warning sign and get out now please.
You can forgive her, you can tell her you love her, but you need to love yourself more and go before you are in any deeper.
A warning sign? She has had another mans penis in every orifice....multiple times. This not a warning sign.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:21 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

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Go with the gut. Get the he'll out of Dodge.
Truer words were never penned.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:24 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

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A warning sign? She has had another mans penis in every orifice....multiple times. This not a warning sign.
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I was referring to - a warning sign that she wont be faithful if he forgives her and gets married. That she may not change her ways at all.

Thanks for beating me up on my first post. I guess this isnt the place for me.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

Didnt mean to beat you up. My apologies. Stick around.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

You're 25 years old. Why would you even consider moving forward this this trashy girl in your life ? Kick her to the curb yesterday and move on with your life.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

I think you know the answer. The pain will never go away and your marriage will never be like you hoped. You told her how you felt about cheating.

Sorry about your so called friend and your fiancÚ. Thankfully you found out now instead of during your honeymoon phase...
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:41 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

Everyone is saying it.

Your young, you will find someone else. Move on please.

About 3 weeks before my wedding my wife was searching someone online, a person I let her speak to for about 1 hour outside the house about 1 week earlier before I found the internet search. I just didn't think anything of it we were getting married in 3 weeks and assumed it was an old friend. I didn't want to be the guy that stood outside watching over his girl like he didn't trust them.

End result 14 years after that incident with 2 kids. I lost my wife to another man. We were together 19 years in total.

I love my kids to death but I should have ran away when I seen that.

Just move on please.
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Old 01-30-2013, 06:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: found this site at 2am and felt hope for the first time

If she had any real feelings for you, she would be doing back flips a cartwheels to show you how deeply sorry she is for what she has done. In the meantime, try and get what you want from the relationship, focus on what makes you happy, and figure out how much she actually contributes to it.

You don't want to squander your youth on a woman who will eventually find herself unhappy, banging the fed ex guy.
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