What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-30-2013, 12:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

Hi, I found this site a few days ago and have been learning a lot from reading other peoples stories. Here is mine:

My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for 15. In our 3rd year of marriage we decided to start a family but ended up facing infertility. Six years later I finally became pregnant with twins. Things did not go well and our babies died in my arms shortly after they were born. A little over a year later, we brought home a healthy baby and 3 years after that a second baby. We both felt our family was complete and we moved on from the infertility struggles. In recent years I felt that we were finally in a good place with great kids, good careers, nice home, decent lifestyle.

Last summer I really began to notice that something was wrong with my husband and in October I pushed and pushed him until he told me that he was terribly unhappy with our marriage, felt that we had no connection anymore and that I saw him as just a roommate to help out with the kids. That is not at all how I felt, but that was his perception. He also told me that he was in love with someone else and gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you." line. I asked him if he was leaving and he said "I don't know." I asked him if he wanted to go to marriage counselling and he said yes. So from October until January we went weekly to counselling, but he never ended the affair. He told too many lies for to count or relate, but I did know that he was still seeing the OW.

Right after the new year he told me that he was moving out to find himself. He said that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants and is moving in with a friend (not the OW) until he can decide. He hasn't made any decisions in years, always leaving it to me, and apparently he resents me for that. He said he was going to IC, but as far as I know he hasn't done that yet. After reading here, I call him a cake eater. He is coming by to see the kids, but isn't very reliable. He wants the two of us to go out alone to "reconnect" and I have a few times, but I also told him that it was pointless and as long as he was still seeing the OW we are on the road to divorce.

The first few weeks I really floundered and felt like a victim, but the past two weeks I am in a much better place. I set some ground rules and I know that the kids and I will be fine regardless of what happens to my marriage.

Now, my questions.... He gave me his debit card and consented to me changing all passwords and pins and left his paycheck direct deposited into our joint accounts. I switched everything to make me the primary and him the secondary account holder. I am giving him a set amount of cash every two weeks (and it isn't much). Should I let that continue or separate everything? Financially I am better off the way it is right now, because I get a larger portion of his paycheck along with my own and am able to maintain the marital bills without much problem.

Despite the inner strength I feel, I miss him terribly, he was my best friend. I still hope that he will realize that his family and marriage are worth working on, so I am hesitant to cut all the strings right now, but maybe I should anyway? I carry the entire family (him included) on my health insurance through work. Should I take him off now or wait? Will doing those things just push him away? He claims that I don't love or care about him, will doing that just prove it to him even though it isn't true?

He doesn't have room in his vehicle to take both kids anywhere, so he only sees them here. I am starting to not want him here as the home is starting to feel like mine and not ours. That said, I don't want him taking the kids out because I don't want them exposed to the OW at this point. I'm not really sure where I should draw the line on this one.

I've been advised by family to wait 6 - 12 months before filing for divorce, but the advice on here seems to lean toward doing it right now, even if I am hoping for reconciliation. Is there any benefit to filing now if I am moving forward with everything else? Divorce seems so final, do I have to push for it now?

I am trying to think logically with my head and not my heart AND in the best interest of my children, but the path is very muddy.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

You should file D now. Remember D takes awhile to complete. The point of filing D now is it will force him to act, and bring an end to the situation one way or another. You cannot begin to recover until the situation is resolved. You should have filed D in October to save your marriage. It may be too late for that from what you have posted, but at least you can still save your sanity.

Remeber if you decide to R later you can withdraw the D, or if it's completed remarry.

It sounds like you are detaching from him already. That's good. You should read up on the 180 and work at completely detaching.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

As far as your finances. You seperate to protect yourself. It sounds like he's using the money to keep his foot in the door. You're not a car. Don't allow him to make payments on you.

You should sock some cash away then split things up and have him send the money for child support.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:36 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

As long as the OW is in the picture it is pointless to do anything other than proceed with divorce, and do it now. That includes MC or discussing R. You'll hear it time and time again with other posters to follow, but the only hope of saving your marriage (if you want to), is by being willing to end it.

Here's a short list of the advice you'll likely get from others on TAM.

- File for divorce now. You can always stop the process later if appropriate.

- Separate your finances.

- Expose the OW to her husband or significant other if there is one. If not expose to her family. Expose the affair to your family, his family and if he works with the woman, to their employer. Don't tell him you're doing it just do it.

- Do the 180 (find the link) on him for yourself, which is a way for you to emotionally detach from him. Don't discuss anything with him other than children or finances while the affair is ongoing and let him know that.

- Try to keep your chin up and do things for yourself. Let him think that you are ready and willing to move on without him (even if not).

If you get to the point where he ends the affair and wants to R, come back for appropriate advice, but first things first.

I'm sorry you're here, but I can assure that most of the people on here, including me, have been in your shoes.
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:21 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

Leave he is not faithful.

Don't you deserve better?
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

Yes, file for divorce and separate finances. He will be on your health insurance until the divorce is final, so your conscience can be clear on that score.

Sad, but you need to take the plunge.
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:14 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

If I totally separate our finances I do not make enough to pay the bills. Can I get court ordered child support before we are divorced? I don't think my state recognizes legal separation. If he does not pay child support, I will begin to fall behind on obligations.

Right now he is locked out of our joint account, so I am partially protected, but I do realize that he could get access back by calling the bank. To combat that, as soon as either of our paychecks land, I am moving the money to another account that is mine alone and withdrawing cash for him to pay his living expenses.
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:17 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

You can get general direction from people here, but your best bet right now is to go to a lawyer and file for divorce. The lawyer will help you understand your finances and what you should be doing in terms of your own financial situation and the laws of your state.
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Old 01-30-2013, 03:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right?

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Originally Posted by Penqa View Post
To combat that, as soon as either of our paychecks land, I am moving the money to another account that is mine alone and withdrawing cash for him to pay his living expenses.
This sounds like a prudent move.
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