my husband met up with escorts
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » my husband met up with escorts

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree9Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 01-30-2013, 02:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 9
Default my husband met up with escorts

We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
After this recent discovery, I was very upset but I was not shocked. Its obvious the problem never went away bc he never actively got down to the root of the problem. Okay we know that men have different view on sex. My husband thinks it is ok to someone to satisfy their sexual needs and come home and be a loving husband and father without any problems.
I told him that I am filing for divorce. He begged me to take him back and he will do everything to be the husband I deserve. Well, I gave him chances to do that already and he failed me.
I spoke with a counselor alone and she told me that our marriage was salvageable and wants us to see a sex therapist.
But I'm at a point where I don't want to try to fix it. Maybe its because I don't love him anymore, I feel so betrayed, and I have no hope of our future.
We would do everything to make the divorce manageable. We will not be fighting over money or custody and will do what is best for our children.
Am I wrong for not giving it another chance with a therapist this time? Am I cheating my kids out of having a mom and dad in the same household? I just feel so hurt and defeated and I don't want to continue on with this marriage.
wife2him is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 01-30-2013, 02:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,662
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

You are doing the RIGHT THING.

Please read my story - link in my signature - my husband did similar things and I kicked him out on D day. He is a sex addict and yours may be too. but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, there is no hope for your marriage, and your children do NOT need to be exposed to him and the diseases he may be bringing home. Have you been STD tested?

That counselor is an ass for saying sex therapy could save your marriage. Your husband is a cheat and a liar. Sex between you and your husband has nothing to do with the problem.
__________________
Our R

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy ~ Bob Hope
You only lose what you cling to.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2013, 02:58 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Chris Taylor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,112
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

he continues doing these things because you "let" him do them... there have been no consequences each time he has done something. I hope you have reached the end of the line.

Also, if you forgave him this time and stayed married to him, could you ever have sex with him again thinking that his penis has been elsewhere? That he could be exposing you to an STD, maybe even AIDS?
Chris Taylor is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2013, 03:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1,831
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by wife2him View Post
We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
After this recent discovery, I was very upset but I was not shocked. Its obvious the problem never went away bc he never actively got down to the root of the problem. Okay we know that men have different view on sex. My husband thinks it is ok to someone to satisfy their sexual needs and come home and be a loving husband and father without any problems.
I told him that I am filing for divorce. He begged me to take him back and he will do everything to be the husband I deserve. Well, I gave him chances to do that already and he failed me.
I spoke with a counselor alone and she told me that our marriage was salvageable and wants us to see a sex therapist.
But I'm at a point where I don't want to try to fix it. Maybe its because I don't love him anymore, I feel so betrayed, and I have no hope of our future.
We would do everything to make the divorce manageable. We will not be fighting over money or custody and will do what is best for our children.
Am I wrong for not giving it another chance with a therapist this time? Am I cheating my kids out of having a mom and dad in the same household? I just feel so hurt and defeated and I don't want to continue on with this marriage.
Say what. "Honey, there's no sex, she just grabs my wang until I ejaculate, in a totally non-sexual way. It's just for relaxation like any other massage".

You are DEFINITELY RIGHT for not giving another chance.
__________________
The more posts I read.
The more I love my wife!
Dad&Hubby is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2013, 06:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
MovingAhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 874
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

You are doing the right thing... Placating and Enabling allow bad behaviors to occur... Shine the light on the Darkness and Tough Love!
MovingAhead is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2013, 06:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
boogie110's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 54
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Sorry you are here. It sounds like you can afford it - divorce. It sounds like you have made up your mind. So, if you can afford it and you have child care - don't know how old they are or if you work or anything, but if you can take care of yourself and your children without being on the street then count yourself ahead of the game. It's too bad he thinks that what he has done is no big deal. I guess that's why he hid it from you - it was just no big deal. And happy endings? Please, you hire women for just HJ's over and over for years - DON'T THINK SO. But if you want to think so it may be better for your sanity. Good luck and good for you for getting your cards right and getting out.
boogie110 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-30-2013, 08:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 1,225
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

I can't say if you are doing the right thing or not only you can!! For many guys variety in the sexual world is worth the risk. He's a cake eater it's hard to quit for some best of luck!!
OhGeesh is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-31-2013, 03:44 AM   #8 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 9
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
he continues doing these things because you "let" him do them... there have been no consequences each time he has done something. I hope you have reached the end of the line.

Also, if you forgave him this time and stayed married to him, could you ever have sex with him again thinking that his penis has been elsewhere? That he could be exposing you to an STD, maybe even AIDS?
I have an appt to get a full panel STD test done. We are not having sex anymore, if ever.
wife2him is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-31-2013, 03:52 AM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 9
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
You are doing the RIGHT THING.

Please read my story - link in my signature - my husband did similar things and I kicked him out on D day. He is a sex addict and yours may be too. but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, there is no hope for your marriage, and your children do NOT need to be exposed to him and the diseases he may be bringing home. Have you been STD tested?

That counselor is an ass for saying sex therapy could save your marriage. Your husband is a cheat and a liar. Sex between you and your husband has nothing to do with the problem.
Its amazing how far you have gone with your marriage. I hope it continues to be a happy one. I have thought of going down your path and going to counseling. Honestly, my behavior and action in our marriage has not been positive and may have contributed to his actions. Of course there is no acceptable excuse for what he has done. I pretty much fell out of love and his actions just gave me the justification to just end it all. I feel betrayed and defeated, and choosing recovery is not an easy. I will be speaking to another therapist before I file for divorce.
wife2him is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-31-2013, 06:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,662
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by wife2him View Post
my behavior and action in our marriage has not been positive and may have contributed to his actions.
Stop thinking that way. Therin lies madness. Your behaviour led to the marriage sucking, but did NOT lead to him cheating. Two TOTALLY separate things.

Here's a great book for you. I wish they'd called it something different though, because it is not only for spouses of sex addicts - most of it applies to ANYone who has been cheated on.

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books
__________________
Our R

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy ~ Bob Hope
You only lose what you cling to.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-01-2013, 03:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 77
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by wife2him View Post
We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
After this recent discovery, I was very upset but I was not shocked. Its obvious the problem never went away bc he never actively got down to the root of the problem. Okay we know that men have different view on sex. My husband thinks it is ok to someone to satisfy their sexual needs and come home and be a loving husband and father without any problems.
I told him that I am filing for divorce. He begged me to take him back and he will do everything to be the husband I deserve. Well, I gave him chances to do that already and he failed me.
I spoke with a counselor alone and she told me that our marriage was salvageable and wants us to see a sex therapist.
But I'm at a point where I don't want to try to fix it. Maybe its because I don't love him anymore, I feel so betrayed, and I have no hope of our future.
We would do everything to make the divorce manageable. We will not be fighting over money or custody and will do what is best for our children.
Am I wrong for not giving it another chance with a therapist this time? Am I cheating my kids out of having a mom and dad in the same household? I just feel so hurt and defeated and I don't want to continue on with this marriage.
I am going through the same thing you are. I have been to IC and realized that I have traits of codependency. When my counselor told me this I was offended at first because I am very independent. She said, "you put up with more than 5 minutes of abuse...you're codependent". That got my attention. I don't have all of the traits but basically I sacrifice my own emotional well being to help steward change of others versus set up boundaries and stick to them. After finding evidence of my husband hiring escorts and using a married cheaters site (to meet other married people and have affairs) I realized that this has crossed my boundaries. I am standing strong and pursuing a divorce. Codependent no more!

You are not responsible for his behavior. He is responsible. You are responsible for yourself. When you are in a better environment you will be happier and true to yourself. Your children will be ok. They will adjust, especially when mom is happy. Stand tall. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.
GottaKnow is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-01-2013, 05:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Hope1964's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Alberta
Posts: 6,662
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by GottaKnow View Post
I am going through the same thing you are. I have been to IC and realized that I have traits of codependency. When my counselor told me this I was offended at first because I am very independent. She said, "you put up with more than 5 minutes of abuse...you're codependent". That got my attention. I don't have all of the traits but basically I sacrifice my own emotional well being to help steward change of others versus set up boundaries and stick to them. After finding evidence of my husband hiring escorts and using a married cheaters site (to meet other married people and have affairs) I realized that this has crossed my boundaries. I am standing strong and pursuing a divorce. Codependent no more!

You are not responsible for his behavior. He is responsible. You are responsible for yourself. When you are in a better environment you will be happier and true to yourself. Your children will be ok. They will adjust, especially when mom is happy. Stand tall. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.
You should read the book I linked to above. I think the label codependent is vastly overused when it comes to spouses of cheaters. That book addresses that.

And good for you for standing up for yourself
__________________
Our R

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy ~ Bob Hope
You only lose what you cling to.
Hope1964 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-03-2013, 09:22 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 9
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

[ He is responsible. You are responsible for yourself. When you are in a better environment you will be happier and true to yourself. Your children will be ok. They will adjust, especially when mom is happy. Stand tall. Set your boundaries. Stick to them.[/QUOTE]

Thank you, I needed the confirmation that I did not drive him to this. He has admitted that he has a sex addiction. I did some research on sex addicts and he fits the description. Knowing where the problem roots from doesn't justify his actions nor lessens the damages done.
I am considering divorce up to this point, but I want to be 150% sure. It is so hard because now I know he has a condition and maybe we can go to therapy for it. I am definitely a codependent.
wife2him is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-03-2013, 09:26 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
MattMatt's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 10,436
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

Quote:
Originally Posted by wife2him View Post
We have been married for almost 10 yrs now and just last wk I found out he has been using escort services for at least 6 times within the last yr. I discovered it thru cash withdrawals and cell phone bills.
We have had issues in the past. Right before we got married I found out he called sex lines. Two yrs into marriage I found out he called and met up with girls on craigslist. And now this...
He always begged for forgiveness and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him and 10 yrs later and 3 kids later we are back to the same problem.
He tells me that there is no sex involved and he only uses them for erotic massages with happy ending. I was devastated but I did choose to stay.
After this recent discovery, I was very upset but I was not shocked. Its obvious the problem never went away bc he never actively got down to the root of the problem. Okay we know that men have different view on sex. My husband thinks it is ok to someone to satisfy their sexual needs and come home and be a loving husband and father without any problems.
I told him that I am filing for divorce. He begged me to take him back and he will do everything to be the husband I deserve. Well, I gave him chances to do that already and he failed me.
I spoke with a counselor alone and she told me that our marriage was salvageable and wants us to see a sex therapist.
But I'm at a point where I don't want to try to fix it. Maybe its because I don't love him anymore, I feel so betrayed, and I have no hope of our future.
We would do everything to make the divorce manageable. We will not be fighting over money or custody and will do what is best for our children.
Am I wrong for not giving it another chance with a therapist this time? Am I cheating my kids out of having a mom and dad in the same household? I just feel so hurt and defeated and I don't want to continue on with this marriage.
Actually, I think you'll find it was your husband who cheated your kids. Not you.
__________________
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk
http://mygeneralblog1.blogspot.co.uk...-cheaters.html (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-03-2013, 09:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 9
Default Re: my husband met up with escorts

[QUOTE=Hope1964;1405562]
He is a sex addict and yours may be too. but until he admits he has a problem and gets help, there is no hope for your marriage, and your children do NOT need to be exposed to him and the diseases he may be bringing home.

So my counselor sent him a survey to complete, and the result, he is a sex addict. I did some research on sex addicts, and he fits the description. The problem has escalated over the years, and now I don't know if treatment will bring recovery. I am so weak right now it just feels better to bail out of my marriage. Its so hard to find out he did all these things to destroy our marriage, and knowing what lead him to it makes me more upset. It was logical to leave when I discovered he used the escorts and now that I know he has sex addiction I feel an obligation to help him to save the marriage. I don't want to be a codependent.

Last edited by wife2him; 02-03-2013 at 09:40 PM.
wife2him is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband "Calling" Escorts LAND OF CONFUSION Coping with Infidelity 47 11-15-2013 03:44 PM
Is My Husband Hiring Escorts? Need Opinions GottaKnow Coping with Infidelity 105 03-04-2013 08:42 PM
Please help - husband possibly cheating with escorts, denies it aburns Considering Divorce or Separation 16 11-30-2011 10:29 AM
Escorts/GFE Asherah Sex in Marriage 7 06-30-2011 12:50 PM
My husband and his And his addictions to escorts adia Coping with Infidelity 14 09-29-2009 10:30 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:16 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.