Love for the AP vs love for your BS
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-30-2013, 01:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Hey guys,
Most of you know me and CSS,one year in R and things are looking good after her four month EA with her old hs bf.
I was wondering if the love a WS felt for their AP is the same thing they feel for their spouse they are R'ing with.Is it "real" with your spouse? Better? Was the "love" the WS felt for the AP all fantasy?
Early in our R my wife told the POSOM that she loved him and said she ment it,now she says it was all about the attention she received and the cheap compliments.
She knows the OM never cared,he through her right under the bus when I exposed.
So,any thoughts guys? WS and BS what do you all think?
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

I meant it when I said it because I didn't think. What I mean is I didn't care about his well being as I always have Calvin. It was a selfish type of thing..I wanted attention from the posom. It wasn't real, it was fantasyland. Yes the passion in my marriage was gone but that does not mean I stopped loving Calvin. I just was looking for that feeling I guess, I have passion back for Calvin now but I also know it takes work to keep our marriage alive I'll talk more about it later, time to clean house.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Hey! Youre not allowed to post on this thread!
:-)
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

It IS possible that a wayward spouse actually loved their affair partner, but you have to look at the circumstances.

The wayward spouse and affair partner never had to sit down and deal with the family finances, never had to deal with issues at the kids' school, never had to deal with kids together, never had to deal with most issues that two spouses need to deal with on a daily basis.

They saw each other in the rarefied air of the affair... both being on their best behavior with no daily issues. Who wouldn't fall in love in those situations???
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:57 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

My two cents: Affairs are fantasy. The WS and the AP see each other on their terms only. Everything is golden. It's like being on a vacation. So any feelings of love during this illusion would be suspect. Google: Limerence

True love is lasting love - which is why you have been able to successfully R.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:58 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Definitely not the same. A "love" or feeling for OW/OM is much different and more "wanting" than for a spouse.

There is such a thing called limerance. It can happen to both single/married people. What is means is someone is in love or
obsessed" with something in a particular way. Now that doesn't necessarily mean that one is in "love" with someone but more appropriately explained as someone is obsessed or in "love" with the idea of being in love or just being with another person.

Our minds can naturally work against us as it is exciting to do new things, see new things, experience new things. Dopamine loves novelty, that saying will never get old (pun intended) no matter how many times I use it. A love for a spouse should be radical yet orderly and honest. If it is honest then a spouse must realize that they must rely on their spouse to sometimes get them "out of the fog".

Look up obsessive compulsive disorder. Do not let your thoughts or fantasies control you. Spouses must use their strengths and weaknesses to overcome themselves and their selfishness and remain steadfast to the truth, to reality that love is shown through actions, not words, fantasies, illusions, hurt, or deceit.
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cedarman View Post
My two cents: Affairs are fantasy. The WS and the AP see each other on their terms only. Everything is golden. It's like being on a vacation. So any feelings of love during this illusion would be suspect. Google: Limerence

True love is lasting love - which is why you have been able to successfully R.
Took the words right out of my mouth PJ!
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Chris Taylor View Post
It IS possible that a wayward spouse actually loved their affair partner, but you have to look at the circumstances.

The wayward spouse and affair partner never had to sit down and deal with the family finances, never had to deal with issues at the kids' school, never had to deal with kids together, never had to deal with most issues that two spouses need to deal with on a daily basis.

They saw each other in the rarefied air of the affair... both being on their best behavior with no daily issues. Who wouldn't fall in love in those situations???
^^^ A lot to this. I never realized the potential future problems w my AP until my W and I separated and I had the opportunity to be w OW 24/7 for a couple of weeks.

It surely brought me back to earth.
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:02 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Here's an answer the best I can say it Calvin.......

My H didnt know her birthday.
He didnt know her middle name.
He didnt know her parents names.
he didnt know where she went to college for the first year.
He didnt know she'd had an abortion.
He didnt know she'd had other affairs.


IOW he didnt know HER at all. He knew the fantasy of HER. That is the hard part. NO ONE can live up to a fantasy. It sucks but it is what it is.

So did he love HER? NO but he loved the idea of HER. **** sandwich either way.
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Every WS should picture their AP's in the morning - before the rush to work. With bed hair and morning breath. Sitting naked on the toilet pushing out a rancid morning constitutional while picking their toenails. Meanwhile your kids need breakfast and a lunch packed. Your AP, from the perch on the throne, says "you do it today, I'm busy.... " You sniff the air and remember: "Hey, did you pay the gas bill??"
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

There is no versus!!.

The butchering and misuse of the word "Love" sickens me.

What you describe and what a DS feels for an AP is not "Love". It's many things, and without a doubt involves a very strong emotional pull, but "Love" it is not.
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Certain people cannot resist the rush and excitement of "puppy love".
And with technology and social networking, it is too easy to succumb to the temptation to send an "innocent" message. That gets the ball rolling.

But the mindset of a WS cannot distinguish between "puppy love/infatuation/limerence" and the lasting love of a long-term relationship.

It is a character flaw. Most people have the occasional infatuation, even when married. Most recognize it for what it is - fantasy and dismiss it. WS lack the ability to recognize it for what it is. It consumes them.
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:08 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Cedarman View Post
My two cents: Affairs are fantasy. The WS and the AP see each other on their terms only. Everything is golden. It's like being on a vacation. So any feelings of love during this illusion would be suspect. Google: Limerence

True love is lasting love - which is why you have been able to successfully R.
Thanks cedar,thats what I'm knda thinking,my wife knows it never would of lasted,he was putting on a big front,now she knows what a lowlife he actually was
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:08 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cedarman View Post
Every WS should picture their AP's in the morning - before the rush to work. With bed hair and morning breath. Sitting naked on the toilet pushing out a rancid morning constitutional while picking their toenails. Meanwhile your kids need breakfast and a lunch packed. Your AP, from the perch on the throne, says "you do it today, I'm busy.... " You sniff the air and remember: "Hey, did you pay the gas bill??"
What, What??? You mean the sunshine doesnt come out of his AP's ass????? Say it isnt so!
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Old 01-30-2013, 02:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Love for the AP vs love for your BS

Love requires a willingness to protect, and provide for the other even to your own hurt. By that definition there is no love in an A.
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