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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-30-2013, 07:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default HELP ME figure out what's going on

I had this posted in the General Discussion section, but maybe this might be a better forum for what's happening to my marriage: Read this: It's good! I really need some advise.


My wife and I have been married 12 years. We have 3 children together; ages 11, 9, and 6. I'm quite a bit older than her; I am 50, she is 34.
I look good for my age, keep in shape, etc. I am a very loving, affectionate, caring guy; I cook, clean, do the dishes, give her backrubs, buy her turtles (her favorites); just generally try to make her feel special.


She is the exact opposite. I'll be lucky if I get a kiss from her once a month (unless it's a quick goodbye kiss as she's leaving for work). She's not affectionate at all, but I knew this from before and have learned to live with it.
That's just how she is. Our sex life is great! We still have sex (up until recently) 2-3 times a week, and she can even orgasm twice once in a while. No complains there.


We've had some hard times in the last 5 months, argueing and such, which I will explain later. A couple of weeks ago I walk in the door, all smiles happy to see her. I try to give her a kiss and she turns her head. I then tried to kiss her again but she just pulled away.
She's done this before, but everytime when she was busy doing something. This time she was just standing there.



That hurt me so bad inside, I just shut down. I stopped giving her attention; started acting the way she treats me. She responded by being very terse with me, no more long conversations, even more distant, etc. I finally stopped talking to her; she responded by saying "What, now you don't even want to talk to me?". 3 days later I asked her why she was treating me so badly; that it seemed we were more like roommates, not husband and wife.
I also told her that she needed to see a psychiatrist because of past issues before we were married that have never gone away (she was abused by her stepdad).

Instead of a positive reaction from her (lets work this out, etc), she totally disengaged herself from me. "We're like roommates, huh?". A couple of days later she said that she needed to figure out why she treats me so bad, that she doesn't trust me anymore, that she needed some time to herself to figure out who she is. She brought up that maybe we should get divorced if she couldn't come to terms with all of this. She basically said "I need to figure out who I am; you need to leave!".

So here I am 3 days later, staying at a friends house, letting her figure out what she wants to do. She didn't give me a date for me to come back.


HER ISSUES WITH ME

She doesn't trust me anymore - I helped build a house for my Mom, and when she sold it, she gave me $30,000 for the kids education fund (Missouri MOST) and $5000 to help pay for a new roof for the house. I never told her about it, knowing that the money was not going for us. The $5000 I put in our joint savings account, and she checks it online every so often. It's not that I put it under the mattress to hide it, I just didn't think it was a big deal. BTW: she has a checking account in her name only; I got pissed off when a couple of years ago I opened up my own saving account, so I closed it to make her happy.

I save money every month which goes in our safe, and had to take out $1900 to cover a stock trade that went bad. Then she wanted to know exactly how much I spend per month and where the rest of the money was going. I told her every detail; and she's told me many times she isn't interested in investing or how it works.

I order her food for her: She told me that she's tired of me telling the waiter/waitress what she is having; "I have my own mouth, I can order myself!" To me it's just common courtesy for the man to order.

I order her beer for her at the bar: Same as above with same reaction

I walk in front of her, not with her: Many times, definitely guilty of that

"You walk away when I think that you're behind me": Guilty of that too. If I see something I like, I'll mosy off and she'll say, "where did you go, I thought you were behind me"

She stated that she felt like I was like her father, and she wanted some space to figure out who she is. I don't consider myself a controlling person; maybe she does.


HER OTHER ISSUE WITH ME

Like I said, I am a loving,trusting husband who would never do anything intentionally to hurt her. I've made 2 mistakes in our marriage:

1) On my birthday 8 years ago, I went to order a beer at the bar. I went up to the bar and ordered the beer, and stated it was my birthday. The girl standing next to me said "Happy Birthday", gave me a quick (and I mean quick) kiss and walked away. My wife was pissed. She's never let me live that down, saying I was "Sucking Face" with her. Not true.

2) 2 Years ago New Years Eve, we were out with some friends. I barely ever drink any hard liquor, but I got to drinking shots that night for some reason. I don't remember anything after about 2 hours in there. Total blackout. My friend told me that at Midnight, I gave the bartender a kiss on the cheek. My wife then punched me in the face. Like I said, I don't remember any of this; and I certainly will never get that drunk again. She's never let me live that down either.


NOW FOR THE GOOD PART


We've always done everything together, we generally get along great. Like I said, our sex life is great! About a year and a half ago, her friend broke up with her boyfriend and was really depressed. My wife said that she would go out with her to cheer her up. She started going out to the bars fairly frequently while I stayed at home with the kids.

I started getting worried (and I'm not a jealous guy at all, even she'll tell you that), especially after she and her sister went to a party at a guys house who invited then to go after the bars closed and she didn't come home until 4:30 in the morning. She ended up being Facebook friends with him. In her defense, I don't think she ever contacted him.

After about 5 weeks of this, she sits me down one day and says: "Would you mind if I have sex with other guys; It's only sex, it doesn't mean anything". I asked her how she would do this, she said "I'll just get a guys phone number, and when the urge arrises, maybe once a month, I'll go over to his house and F*ck him. No emotional ties whatsoever, it's only sex". I asked her if I could do the same thing; she said "No, you would get too emotional and get attached to the girl".

Man, that killed me. It was like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on. I never, ever, would have thought that she wanted another guy. She never acted like she wanted one. I cried for 4 days, had to see a psychologist, before she finally realized how much it hurt me. She then said she was just gauging my reaction, she really never wanted anyone else.


I hurt for about 2 months, then got over it. Everything was going alright.


ROUND 2

Part 1:

Last summer in July, we had 3 soccer coaches from England staying at our house for a week. One of the guys was really attractive, and she just swooned over this guy. She tried to change her work schedule to stay home, didn't sleep during the day when she was working night shift, etc. She then took them to the bar one night, I showed up about Midnight just as she was rubbing her rear in some other guys c*ck.

Man was I dissappointed. What really hurt me was that she payed him more attention in 1 week than I get all year!


She then starting going to the bars again, this time with a couple of local friends. She was going out once to twice a week, coming home late, having fun and dirty dancing.

PART 2:

In late September, she went to a 3 day conference in Columbia, MO with one of her friends. The 2nd night she was there, I hired a private detective to tail her. I called her about 6pm and asked her what she was going to do. She said she was going to go shopping, go out to eat, go back to the Hotel bar for a couple and go to bed. The detective followed them to Kohls and dinner, and she was doing exactly what she told me she was going to do.
I was happy! I trusted my wife, so I called off the detective and told him to go home.

I then called my wife around 9pm because I was going to bed. She said "Not much is going on here, just having a few beers and going to call it a night. I love you". Man, I was happy, she barely ever says "I Love You", so when she does, it means a lot. We talked for about 1/2 an hour and she said "I Love You" again before hanging up.


At 12:30AM the phone rings. It's the detective! I said "What are you doing calling me, I called you off!" He said: "I've been doing this a long time; I know how it ends". Apparently her and her friend had gone downtown and picked up a couple of guys. I found out later that these guys were in fact staying at the same hotel they were, were drunk and needed a ride home. That was verified.

The detective gave me the play by play: The guy her friend was with went back to his room, while my wife and her friend and this other guy went to my wife's room (she was rooming with her friend, he was rooming with his). He went to the bathroom, and then my wife and him went to his room. I was freaking out. I waited about 10 minutes, the called back to her room.

I wish I could have seen the look on her friends face when I called. I asked to speak to my wife, and she stuttered "She's in the bathroom". "Well, give her the phone!". "I can't, I'll have her call you when she gets out". She then called my wife who calls me back. I made up a fake story about me having a bad dream. She said "Don't worry, I'm in bed and ready to go to sleep; I'll call you tomorrow".

I waited another 15 minutes, then called her again. I couldn't stand it any longer. I told her there was a detective that had been following her and she was busted. She lied and said there wasn't another guy, he must have had the wrong room. He verified she was indeed with the guy. She hung up on me, then she texted "We didn't have sex". She told me that they were just talking, she wasn't tired yet and wanted to stay up a little bit longer.

Needless to say I wasn't very happy. When she came home the next day, we had a big fight, but at the end, we made up. I wanted to believe she was telling the truth.


PART 3:

I was bummed out for about a month, but got over it. One halloween night, we got dressed up, went dancing and had an absolutely awesome time. It was so good, I told her it reminded me of when we were dating. Hadn't had that much fun in years! About a week later she bought a card and told me how special I was and that she loved me. She had never done this in our entire marriage, so I felt great!!!

Then in December we went out for her birthday and were having a good time. She asked if she could dance with other guys. I said no problem; like I said, I'm not a jealous guy. We were both on the dance floor, and she started dancing with this one guy. Next thing I know, she had her hands all over the guys *ss and was feeling him up on the dance floor. I was dissappointed. She told me later that's how she always has danced. She just likes dirty dancing and it doesn't mean anything.


With all this happening within 4 months, I started having good and bad days. She couldn't understand why I was acting like this. If I were to do the same thing she does, we'd be divorced. There's a huge double standard in our relationship.

Example: We were at Walmart a couple of weeks ago and I was in the checkout line. She snuck off because the person behind the register was a girl. We struck up a conversation about the weather and work. She was fat and pregnant, married, definitely not attractive. My wife comes up from behind and says "Didn't know I was behind you, did you". She gave me a dirty look and walked away.

A week later, we were shopping again. I asked the checkout girl if I could borrow the Aldi's ad to comp. All I said was' "Can I borrow the Aldi's ad, I'll bring it right back". My wife got pissed and told me to get my own cart. I had had enough. I walked off, got in the car, and went home. I couldn't take it anymore, She called and I picked her up. That was the beginning of where this story started.


I don't know what to do. I love my wife to death, she means the world to me. What's going on here? Any advice?
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Old 01-30-2013, 07:35 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

What's going on? You know damn well. It's simple.

She's cheating. You're enabling and rug sweeping.

It WILL continue until you learn to accept it as a fact of life or you change things. She IS NOT inclined to change at all.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:00 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

Man, know THIS. There's life after fifty and it doesn't have to be with a cheater. This is who you chose to live with and she's not going to change. If you dump her, the misery you feel after the split won't be nearly as bad as that which you are experiencing now.
You will NEVER be able to trust her until the time comes that it doesn't matter to you if she's to be trusted.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Holy shiat buddy... That is some messed up shiat.

She punched you in the face?

She asked to have sex with other people, but denied you the same?


You aren't kidding about the double standard. The shiat listed above are deal-breakers, plain and simple. She's essentially been using you for your resources, and the occasional fark.

Stop deluding yourself. You know you're doing it, and everyone that's read your post knows you're doing it.

Frankly, I'm amazed you didn't smack the shiat out of her after she hit you. I can't say I would have done the same.

She's been cheating the whole time. She is only using you. Get rid of her.

Here it is in caps, because I understand how you are thinking now:

SHE IS ONLY USING YOU

GET RID OF HER


Grow some farking balls man. Sorry for being harsh about it, but you have tolerated shiat that no man should tolerate.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:27 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

This thread actually made me so depressed I couldn't even enjoy the music on Pandora and had to turn it off.

My friend, you need to stop being a doormat. Because your wife is walking all over you and grinding the mud off her heels on your face.

She is blatantly disrespecting you in the worst possible ways and you're basically just allowing it. And talk about hypocrisy and double standards.

Besides kids (and I personally NEVER think kids are enough of a reason to stay in a ****ty marriage. Ever. But that's just me) why are you still married to her?
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

Because the marriage is not totally F*cked up. Before we had our major fallout, she was actually really good to me. I just kept on having backflashes and would get bummed out which would cause major friction. I would be fine for a couple of weeks and we would be great together. Then something would trigger the past events and we would get in arguements. I would snap out of it, and we would be fine again. That being said, I don't know (or maybe I don't want to know) if she would ever hurt me again. I talked to a mutual friend she goes out to the bars with, and she told me that even though she likes dirty dancing, she has never taken a guys phone number or become flirty with a guy (at least not after the hotel incident). I trust her friend; she knows my wife's faults.
My wife said "It's just a phase I went through". She never said she was sorry, though. I told her "You went through a phase last summer, then this summer. What about next year and the year after". She didn't answer that question.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

Lookup all the info you possibly can on "cake eating".

Now.

Sorry you are here.

Prepare for hell.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Is this real life?
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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So, her wingman at bars - says "umm yeah, it's true your wife rubs her breasts on other guys chests, and her butt on their erections - but dude, these are honorable men! They're only there because they are afficiondos of interpretive dance. They would NEVER even dream of immoral acts with your wife".

Ohhh, um that "phase" your wife is going through is also known as "cheating" in most comitted relationships. But since she doesn't have one of those, I guess it's really just a phase.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:53 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by guitardude View Post
Because the marriage is not totally F*cked up. Before we had our major fallout, she was actually really good to me.
Not according to your post.
Your post AFTER the current situation just reads like an endless lists of previous cheating episodes that you condoned, rewarded, or even enabled. Followed by you crying for months and then.. Doing nothing.
Your marriage is not just a snapshot in time. All these things happen and set a pattern of behavior. You have kids, right? As a parent do you think if you treat your 11 year old one way the first ten years and change in year eleven that nothing for. The previous ten years contributed to the development of your child and your relationship?
Your wife cheats... And then you give her backrubs while she avoids touching you. Your wife is in all kinds of obviously inappropriate situations over and over and she is taught she can cheat and you will cry and massage her. Multiple guys are staying at your house to party with your wife. She's partying up as a single lady. Sometimes when a guy says he's not the jealous type and doesn't care if his wife is partying with guys it really gives the message that he doesn't mind sharing his wife. When your wife tells you she wants to bang other guys, crying about it is not going to help you. Guys who really have no reason to get jealous about other guys know they don't have to worry about because their wives won't dare do it unless they want to be shown the door.

I wouldn't even know where to start. Your wife had been cheating for years and you've shown her its cool. Your little mistakes are just guilt trips. Stop doing the dishes. Do you pre-treat the *** stains on her clothes, too?
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My guess is she's been cheating all along. When she told you she was going to start banging other guys, she'd already been doing it, but she wanted to not have to sneak around. She was devaluing you in her mind since you had failed to pick up on her constant sexual adventures. She probably figured you ought to already know at some level. It's a very standard cheating female belief, but they are usually a lot more discreet than your wife was.

DNA the kids and make her sit a polygraph so you can find out just how deep and how far back the rot goes. Don't believe a word her wingwoman tells you. She's implicated too; is that beotch married?

On the other hand, you seem to be okay with an open marriage for her, so why not one for you? That's why she always gets mad when women look your way. She knows what she's been doing since day one and doesn't want you to do it to her.

Your wife is 34, so she's at libido max and she's addicted to strange c0ck. It doesn't look good.

You in a band? If not get in one. It's payback time.
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

Thanks for the replies, guys. But I want to fix my marriage, not end it. We have 3 kids and it would absolutely kill them if we got divorced.
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:11 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thanks for the replies, guys. But I want to fix my marriage, not end it. We have 3 kids and it would absolutely kill them if we got divorced.
This seems to be a common theme here today. Rug sweeping is not fixing things. If the marriage has ended it's because she chose to not treat it as a marriage and you were fine with that. Being a doormat and letting your wife bang other guys while you wait on her does not save a marriage. If you wanted to keep your marriage try having one- don't let your wife eat cake and have groups of men over for sleep overs or stay in hotels with *****s.
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:22 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guitardude View Post
Thanks for the replies, guys. But I want to fix my marriage, not end it. We have 3 kids and it would absolutely kill them if we got divorced.
Well, I imagine she's open to swinging. At least you could even the score, but that only works if you swing together. How does that sound?
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Old 01-30-2013, 10:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: HELP ME figure out what's going on

You cannot fix this by yourself. I see you keep posting this in different sections of the forum. You are hoping that there is someone who is going to pat you on the head and reassure you that the truth you already know isnt really true. You are in denial as to your wife's true nature. You have already taught her that its okay to treat you like crap by cheating on you, because you give her NO consequences! Unless you lay down the law here, and are willing to follow through by ending things if she doesnt stop her behavior, then you might as well just suck it up and stop complaining.
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