Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 01-30-2013, 06:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

It's been about 1yr and a 1/2 since I found the sexting from my husbands phone to the ow...
I emailed all the msg to me (about 1500). Every now and then when I think of a certain day (like the day we took our twin babies home from hospital) I logged onto my email to see if he talked/msg her on that day, and what types of conversations held place on that special day..? It broke my heart again reading how much he loved her, how he misses her, what he wants to do to her, telling her he had to leave work in the middle of the day (not telling her it was because we were picking up our babies) and when he went back to work how everything went pear shaped and couldn't wait to talk to her that night and have sweet dreams about her...

To me, I think it is much worse that he spoke to her on such a special day. When I was trying to explain it to him yesterday why, he said what difference does it make if I spoke to her on that day or any significant day? I tried my best to make him understand how horrible it was to think of texting/sexting/talking to her when his mind should of been busy thinking of our new babies etc..
So he then said to me, well I was in a relationship with her I spoke to her all the time, when I was happy sad or bored... He has now turned it on me saying, I promised him I would never read the msg again and I'm a liar and I'm cheating on our relationship by doing this...!
Am I? I don't know why I continually put myself through toucher by reading them, sometimes it's more hope that I'll find that he did do the right thing and not talk/text her on an important day. And, is it stupid of me to think it was worse for him to want to contact her during significant/important days and what does that say about him if he thinks that it didn't matter on those days especially??
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I did similar information reviews after I found out about my WW's affair. I think it was my way of trying to deal with my shock of my wife's marital affair. I think I was trying to digest what seemed so insane to me. Over time it lessens the more you come to accept the reality of what occurred. Be patient with yourself...you just need time to heal.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:04 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

Why do people keep looking at scabs? Dunno. But we do.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:11 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I have listened to a recording I got of one of my wife's sessions a few times, as well as things she had written to the current fantasy OM. I would do it because I wanted to feel the disgust and renewed determination, but realized I had to stop because it was just renewing the hurt and disbelief.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

Quote:
Originally Posted by StillLife View Post
I have listened to a recording I got of one of my wife's sessions a few times, as well as things she had written to the current fantasy OM. I would do it because I wanted to feel the disgust and renewed determination, but realized I had to stop because it was just renewing the hurt and disbelief.
I could not have coped with this. I think I put the very idea of my wife and her OM having sex into a locked trunk in the lumber room of my mind.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:25 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I know for me when I did things like that I was looking for closure. Your husband doesn't sound all that remorseful and until he really steps up to the plate you are going to keep checking until you feel secure enough in your relationship, or maybe you won't only you will know the answer to that. I'm sorry you are here.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:29 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

You're still in pain. That's perfectly natural, too.
I can relate.

Soon, I'm sure you'll be looking at them less and less though,
until the time when you can put them away for good.

Everyone heals at their own pace. You're going at yours.
You'll get there. In time, we all will.
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Old 01-30-2013, 08:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

Quote:
Originally Posted by still.hurting View Post
It's been about 1yr and a 1/2 since I found the sexting from my husbands phone to the ow...
I emailed all the msg to me (about 1500). Every now and then when I think of a certain day (like the day we took our twin babies home from hospital) I logged onto my email to see if he talked/msg her on that day, and what types of conversations held place on that special day..? It broke my heart again reading how much he loved her, how he misses her, what he wants to do to her, telling her he had to leave work in the middle of the day (not telling her it was because we were picking up our babies) and when he went back to work how everything went pear shaped and couldn't wait to talk to her that night and have sweet dreams about her...

To me, I think it is much worse that he spoke to her on such a special day. When I was trying to explain it to him yesterday why, he said what difference does it make if I spoke to her on that day or any significant day? I tried my best to make him understand how horrible it was to think of texting/sexting/talking to her when his mind should of been busy thinking of our new babies etc..
So he then said to me, well I was in a relationship with her I spoke to her all the time, when I was happy sad or bored... He has now turned it on me saying, I promised him I would never read the msg again and I'm a liar and I'm cheating on our relationship by doing this...!
Am I? I don't know why I continually put myself through toucher by reading them, sometimes it's more hope that I'll find that he did do the right thing and not talk/text her on an important day. And, is it stupid of me to think it was worse for him to want to contact her during significant/important days and what does that say about him if he thinks that it didn't matter on those days especially??
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Stillhurting,

Don't feel like you are alone in this. I posted on another thread recently that I go through the 3600 emails from the POSOM to my wife every few weeks, matching the e-mail dates from that year to current date.

Don't know why I still do it after a year and a half in R. Perhaps it's a way to remind myself not to forget. Maybe it's to conjure up my emotions to avoid complacency.

I'm sure it unhealthy for R, but so be it. It's what I feel I have to do and I'll continue till I'm dam well good and ready to stop.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I had archived a pretty lengthy Facebook conversation between my disloyal wife and her POSOM. For about a month after Dday1 I pretty much obsessed over it, dissected it, and brought it up a lot.

DW's therapist (I was going too) thought I should put the FB conversation aside, that obsessing over it it was unhealthy... so I put it aside for three months.

After Dday2 when I discovered that DW had reignited the affair and escalated it, and that what had been previously revealed was just the tip of the iceberg, I re-read the Facebook messages. The clues that much more had happened prior to Dday1 were there- I ignored them. "Truth bias" as people here pointed out. I desperately wanted to believe my DW. I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had kept chewing on it, questioning it, confronting the inconsistencies.

I'm not sure if dwelling on evidence, until you're satisfied with what you know, is a bad thing. You have your spouse's words which aren't particularly trustworthy, paired with hard facts. The reality of the truth is important to process. I think it can reach an unhealthy point, but I'm sure that's different for everyone.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I agree with ^^^^^^^^^^! I am at the 1.5 year since Dday, too. I was OBSESSED with putting the pieces back together by reading over 1,000 emails, checking calenders, work diaries, even time tickets...I even copied out a few of the more hurtful emails and once in a while reread them...I think its like this: the relationship you thought you had with WS gets blown to smithereens on Dday and you frantically pick thru the evidence of WS's other life, the double life, real life, the affair life he led to rewrite the truth of your life. They are like pieces of a puzzle you must completely understand in order to ACCEPT them, put closure on and leave behind. HOWEVER, you WS is not doing anything to help you heal and the painful irony is that the only person who can heal you is the one who hurt you. He must fess up, answer any question you need answered, be completely transparent, no blameshifting, no rugsweeping. He created the nightmare, and he must own up to the painful consequences of what his actions did to you if he loves, cares for and wants to heal you. You really cannot do this on your own. My WH reacted similiarily, never, until recently, realizing that he had to do the heavy lifting of helping me understand the why of his betrayal. Because understanding the why of the affair also helps to repair the breakdown in the marriage that led to the affair...made him open to an affair. Unless your husband is a pathological, serial cheater, a total scumbag, he needs to prove to you every day, every time, his committment and dedication to repairing the damage his selfishness created. Be patient, perservere and stand your ground, don't let him bully you, you have a right to know if you need to. But do not over-react and fall apart when you do get the answers you seek, stay calm, talk it out and communicate your need for reassurance. In my case, all I needed was the truth, his arms around me, telling me I am sorry, I am here now and will be tomorrow...and he couldn't do it even tho I asked over and over. We are still together, and doing so much better, but I know without a doubt that had he done that sooner, I would be so much further on the path to putting it all behind us....good luck.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I did it for a while then one day I went to the PC and hit delete on all of them. It was time to move on.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

I just went through WH's Skype convos yesterday (been 6mo). I even highlighted all of the parts that piss me off. I think it's normal, and eventually when you are ready to move on, you will delete.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

You know in some ways it's good that you have "the" record of what happened. I discovered and retrieved tons of skype messages. When it first happened there was one set in particular where she was fantasizing about what they would do had she got pregnant. How they would listen to the baby's heartbeat together and then post a picture of the sonogram for all their loser friends to see. It was by far the most hurtful thing about the whole affair especially considering I got a "V" because we were done having kids. I would have been happy with more but she was done. And then to pull this.

Anyway, that was one of the first messages I saw and in my crazy state of mind let her convince me to delete. I later retrieved hundreds of other messages and go back and read them occasionally (it's been several weeks now). At least I know exactly what they say and in what context. I would love to have access to that original set though because I often wonder if there was more or less to it than I remember.

I think in a lot of ways going back and rereading old messages is a good way to keep our imagination in check. And also keep us from forgetting.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:23 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

You're not obsessing, you're trying to put a "why" & "how" to what your husband did.
This is nothing more than you trying to wrap your mind around what happened because more than likely your husband Trickle Truthed you & you still have not gotten all of the truth out of him.
Just from his behavior & the things he has said to you, it seems to me that he is NOT remorseful, has done the bare minimum to R with you & has not recovered from his affair.
You do not feel secure in your marriage & for good reason.
If I was in your place, I would want to know if the affair was really over.
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Old 01-30-2013, 09:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why do I keep reading the his affair msg's???

Dear OP (still.hurting),

I'm sorry you're going through this.

As for the special dates... on this I believe your husband when he said it was because her had a 'relationship' with her (/PUKE/ I know). He was used to her being some part of his life and constant communication. And he was used to being on selfish mode. Not that it makes it okay. But I think it was really just that simple for him.

But I understand why it makes a difference to you. It adds insult to injury.


Quote:
Originally Posted by still.hurting View Post
... He has now turned it on me saying, I promised him I would never read the msg again and I'm a liar and I'm cheating on our relationship by doing this...!
Am I?
That ^ however, I think is extremely cowardly and selfish and unfair of him now.
No, YOU'RE NOT cheating on your relationship! You're trying to cope and heal and YES, that is PART OF (even if it's the step back you take for every two steps foward but it's a necessary step nonetheless!)
He should understand what you're going through. What HE put you through. All of this is consequence of HIM. He should at the very least allow you this small 'cheat' in reading those text messages given you've allowed him the big cheat that caused all of this. And by 'allowed him the cheat' I only mean that despite all your pain and confusion and negative feelings towards him you decided to try to salvage your marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by krismimo View Post
Your husband doesn't sound all that remorseful and until he really steps up to the plate you are going to keep checking until you feel secure enough in your relationship...
I think THAT ^ is the main reason you're looking through those messages.

He should hold your hand and dry your tears every time you need him to. He should WANT to do this. He should encourage you not to revisit those texts but he shouldn't make you feel any shame or guilt for it or blame you of sabotaging your reconciliation. If he really loves you, or let me rephrase, if he loves you enough to put you first, he will work through his guilt and face the consequences of his actions and face the damage he caused you and work on REALLY fixing it, not just sweeping it under the rug. And he will do this lovingly and patiently.
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