I know I am not alone out there, so hopefully someone can talk to me about how to fix what broke inside me this time. My story is a long one, I have been married for over 30 years to my childhood sweet heart. We got married very young and I was very naive. I found out a couple of weeks after I was married that my husband was bi-sexual. This was difficult for me to understand and come to terms with. He had a relationship with a man when he was young, this relationship definitely effected his sexual preferences. We worked on it and we have developed a sex life between the two of us that is exciting and satisfying. After 20 years of marriage he cheated on me with an old high school flame. Said he just thought life was passing him by and he thought he could just have this fling (mid-life crisis supposedly). I discovered within a few days that he had cheated on me. Told him he had 6 months to figure himself out and the door would be open for him to come home. I would wait 6 months, then I was moving on. He cried and begged to come home after 1 week. The stipulation on coming home was that if I ever caught him cheating again, it was over. We went to counseling and that is when I discovered he has a sex addition (porn videos, chat sites ect..). He promised to quit with the porn sites also.
Well over the last 10 years he has not cheated on me, but he comes as close as he can without cheating. I have caught him at least a dozen time on porn sites, porn video sites and forming inappropriate friendships (emotional affairs) with different women.
Well that's the background, this last time I caught him on x-rated video chat sites, dating sites and he formed a friendship with a women on facebook and they were flirting on emails and talking on the phone together. In one of the emails it was obvious they had met but only talked and she wanted to meet again for a date. I noticed that he and her has stopped communicating a couple weeks prior to me finding the emails. I confronted him and he confessed. He swears this time is different and that he is going to prove to me he as changed. He constantly says he is afraid I am going to leave him and he doesn't want a divorce. I asked him if he was unhappy or unsatisfied with our marriage... he says our life is great, our sex life is the best its ever been and that he has never been happier and that he doesn't know why he does it.
So why does he do it? I don't know what happened this time but something inside me just broke. I always get devastated each time I discover hes been screwing up. But eventually I go from hurt, to mad, to disappointed, to forgiving him. I told him this time, that it scares me that one of these times he is going to go to far and I won't be able to forgive him. This time, I just feel dead inside. I love my husband but I don't feel the same time I don't feel the same towards him anymore. I have forgiven him, but trust has not returned. I don't know that I will ever trust him again, I just don't think I have the capacity to give him my trust again. We get along great and we enjoy each others company. I still enjoy pleasuring him during sex, but really am not too interested in him pleasuring me. He loves oral and anal sex on him and is thrilled with me doing that, the problem is I really don't care if he pleasures me anymore. I am trying to move on and heal but I don't know how to fix this whole I feel inside of me. I really don't understand why I feel nothing when he tries to reciprocate in our love making. Why do I enjoy pleasuring him but get nothing when he tries to reciprocate. I have always really enjoyed our sex life and been as passionate as him, now I have had to go to faking an orgasm so he doesn't realize something is wrong. I realize most of you are going to tell me to leave him, its not as simple as that though. I am the one with a six figure income, he had to retire early due to his nerves. He couldn't handle it financially or emotionally if I did left him. I couldn't put our families through it again either, it nearly tore our extended families apart when he had the affair. If you have some idea of how to heal whole inside me, I sure would like some feedback.
You enjoy getting him off because you still have long term warm and fuzzy feelings toward him, but he doesn't turn you on anymore and that's why you can't get off from him. Tell him you're going to get a "bull" because you need a real man and see how he reacts. He'll probably love that.
I think the only real way is professional counseling.
It seems a bit obvious that he or you or both are / is quelling his bi-sexual behavior by getting anal from you.
I just think there are some deep issues with him that just were never resolved.
Your saying he had sex with a man when he was young. Are you saying he was sexually abused ? What is young ?
I think that therapy just needs to be on going. I think that it might have quelled some issues, but once it stopped these old issues reared its ugly head again.
I can relate this to my issues. I think therapy helped my wife, but once it stopped old habits and issues came up. Hindsight being 20/20 we should have kept going even if it wasn't every month or every other month at least something to keep the communication open with the therapist.
I just don't see anyone here giving you some simple words that will give you an answer. I think you both need some professional help. Him for his issues and you to help you cope.
Sorry your married life is a mess. What a way to live. Both of you going through the motions in unfullfilled lives. Him in his darkened room wacking off to porn, you faking orgasams as you cringe at his touch.
The outcome of your lives is the very reason many on this board counsel young marrieds who discover an obvious incompatability with their spouse to find someone else to share their life's journey.
If you're relatively healthy, you have another 30 or so years before your journey comes to an end. Yet you are willing to sacrifice those years too for the sake of some percieved acceptance from family.
Really? Your family would insist you sacrifice yourself to keep them happy? Doubt it. You don't know them like you think you do. Or they are unbelievably shallow.
You asked why you are okay with pleasuring your husband when you can't stand his touch. Well, here is my take. I think you are desperate to turn him around. (i suppose most of the porn is gay porn).
No offense, becsuse you are desperate, but if you view this objectively you'll have to agree it's a pathetic existance and a futile activity.
Your husband can find his way by himself. And if I have him figured out, he would welcome the change which would allow him to actively persue the lifestyle he craves. His protestations notwithstanding.
Sorry your married life is a mess. What a way to live. Both of you going through the motions in unfullfilled lives. Him in his darkened room wacking off to porn, you faking orgasams as you cringe at his touch.
The outcome of your lives is the very reason many on this board counsel young marrieds who discover an obvious incompatability with their spouse to find someone else to share their life's journey.
If you're relatively healthy, you have another 30 or so years before your journey comes to an end. Yet you are willing to sacrifice those years too for the sake of some percieved acceptance from family.
Really? Your family would insist you sacrifice yourself to keep them happy? Doubt it. You don't know them like you think you do. Or they are unbelievably shallow.
You asked why you are okay with pleasuring your husband when you can't stand his touch. Well, here is my take. I think you are desperate to turn him around. (i suppose most of the porn is gay porn).
No offense, becsuse you are desperate, but if you view this objectively you'll have to agree it's a pathetic existance and a futile activity.
Your husband can find his way by himself. And if I have him figured out, he would welcome the change which would allow him to actively persue the lifestyle he craves. His protestations notwithstanding.
You know what? It doesnt matter how HE or the FAMILIES would handle you ending things! This is about YOU! Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you know you cannot trust? What kind of life is that?? Do what is right for YOU.
The relationship was in high school with a classmate (no abuse). After reading some of your responses I re-read my post...I do sound pathetic. Would my family get over me leaving him, yes they would. But my question would be why put everyone through it.. what benefit would there be in leaving? I would end up alone (I doubt I could ever learn to trust and whos going to want a person as emotional broke as me) and I would most likely have to pay him alimony due to my income. Posted via Mobile Device
What benefit would there be in leaving? How about not having to deal with the constant strain of being in a toxic relationship! You end up alone? SO WHAT?? Better to be alone than with someone who causes you misery. There is also a huge chance that you could find someone awesome to share your life with who doesnt make you feel like crap. I'm sure your family would be supportive if it means you having a chance to be happy. Your marital status is not their problem, really, so dont base the decision on them.
The relationship was in high school with a classmate (no abuse). After reading some of your responses I re-read my post...I do sound pathetic. Would my family get over me leaving him, yes they would. But my question would be why put everyone through it.. what benefit would there be in leaving? I would end up alone (I doubt I could ever learn to trust and whos going to want a person as emotional broke as me) and I would most likely have to pay him alimony due to my income. Posted via Mobile Device
You have valid concerns and questions. But the fact that you're here and listening is a good sign. I think it means you're reaching the end of your emotional rope.
When you refer to family, who do you mean? Your kids? How many? Ages? Dispositions?
Your concern about your future is valid but you can allay your fears to some degree and even learn to re-establish trust. Find a competent counselor that had experience with issues of infidelity. You may well be pleasantly surprised.
With regard to alimoney - visit a lawyer. Find out what rights you have, the laws governing divorce in your state, your responsibilities in a post divorce life.
Recap: schedule counseling. Visit a lawyer.
Take these small steps. Toe in the water.
The relationship was in high school with a classmate (no abuse). After reading some of your responses I re-read my post...I do sound pathetic. Would my family get over me leaving him, yes they would. But my question would be why put everyone through it.. what benefit would there be in leaving? I would end up alone (I doubt I could ever learn to trust and whos going to want a person as emotional broke as me) and I would most likely have to pay him alimony due to my income.
Solid research, which was not PC and thus was shouted down, indicates that men, unlike women who have sexual fluidity, are either gay or straight.http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/he...pagewanted=all It's pretty obvious where your husband falls on this. Because of this, you won't be getting back your attraction to your husband. You know to much about him and it's all pretty corrosive to Mother Nature's limbic sexual attraction programs. Are you okay with giving up sexual satisfaction from here on out?
Don't make assumptions about alimony until you speak with an attorney.
As for ending up alone if you divorce, it's statistically likely you won't remarry if you're over 40 when you divorce, which you obviously are. However, those statistics are mostly made up of obese women. If you get in top shape, you can beat those odds fairly easily.
Solid research, which was not PC and thus was shouted down, indicates that men, unlike women who have sexual fluidity, are either gay or straight.http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/he...pagewanted=all It's pretty obvious where your husband falls on this. Because of this, you won't be getting back your attraction to your husband. You know to much about him and it's all pretty corrosive to Mother Nature's. imbic sexual attraction programs. Are you okay with giving up sexual satisfaction from here on out?
Don't make assumptions about alimony until you speak er rywith an attorney.
As for ending up alone if you divorce, it's statistically likely you won't remarry if you're over 40 when you divorce, which you obviously are. However, those statistics are mostly made up of obese women. If you get in top shape, you can beat those odds fairly easily.
I realize he has gay feelings, he won't talk about them. I am the only person he has ever told about the gay relationship...he won't go into details just that they had a sexual relationship. Interesting though, the porn is all W/M or W/W that he viewed and the affair was with a women. As to our children are grown and moved out.
As to the question concerning being ok with no sexual satisfaction for the rest of my life..no I am not ok with that. We have always had a active sex, atleast I think it is active.. 4-5 times a week. Thats part of the reason I came on this site. The other part is the feeling that there is no hope .. I can't that desire to look forward to a better day. If our relationship was terrible and we couldn't get along and we never had sex or he didn't enjoy it, I could maybe rationalize this....but none of that is the case. He does really enjoy sex ..granted it is orally and anally most of the time, we do have it frequently and outside the bedroom we do get along. I am just so disappointed in him as a person, that he has no more self control than what he has. Posted via Mobile Device
I realize he has gay feelings, he won't talk about them. I am the only person he has ever told about the gay relationship...he won't go into details just that they had a sexual relationship. Interesting though, the porn is all W/M or W/W that he viewed and the affair was with a women. As to our children are grown and moved out.
As to the question concerning being ok with no sexual satisfaction for the rest of my life..no I am not ok with that. We have always had a active sex, atleast I think it is active.. 4-5 times a week. Thats part of the reason I came on this site. The other part is the feeling that there is no hope .. I can't that desire to look forward to a better day. If our relationship was terrible and we couldn't get along and we never had sex or he didn't enjoy it, I could maybe rationalize this....but none of that is the case. He does really enjoy sex ..granted it is orally and anally most of the time, we do have it frequently and outside the bedroom we do get along. I am just so disappointed in him as a person, that he has no more self control than what he has.
His porn tastes throw me for a loop. By you doing anal on him, I guess that means you doing him with a strap on, which would normally indicate total gayness, but the porn tastes don't mesh. You know, maybe he wants to be a bisexual girl. We used to have a local weatherman who divorced, got a sex change and went to SF where he became a big lesbian activist. Maybe your H is like that, only in his mind he's a bi-girl rather than a lesbian weatherman.
Since you use 70X7 in your post title, I take it you have moral objections to taking a lover?
[U]Negatives[/U]
You cannot trust him
He has cheated on you several times
You are disappointed in him as a person
You get nothing out of sex from him
You are emotionally broke
He has a sex addiction
He cannot handle work due to his nerves and is retired
If you stay with him you will not be satisfied sexually
Positives
You have 30 years of memories with him; I assume some were good memories
His negatives far outweigh his positives but whatever will make life better for you should be the deciding factor.
In regards to your 70x7 post, forgiveness DOES NOT mean that you forfeit your choices to protect yourself and make a better life for yourself.
IMO what broke inside of you was trust, admiration, hope, and love of life to name a few. He is the cause of most of that if not all of it. If you want to give him another chance then I would strongly recommend that you be very clear to him what he must do for you. He must do these and no excises or chances. Prepare yourself to depart from him no matter what he shows you. You have secured a good vocation and are a success financially. I bet you have a lot of good qualities. You are probably a LOT better than you give yourself credit for. You have been torn down for years and so you probably do not have a real good view of your value.
He must realize that he must cater to your needs for the next 30 years to make up for the last 30 years. Frankly I would leave him but you apparently do not want to do that or you would be gone already.
My last thought is this
You must take whatever action you can to build yourself up. DO NOT let any false guilt or faulty conclusion or compromises destroy your resolve to save yourself. Nobody is going to save you but you and God. Your husband has proven that he is not going to save you; in fact he is harming you. In short, it is you or him. You choose
I have only ever been with my husband. You are correct I wouldn't ever take a lover. I feel that if you are ready to start a new relationship, you need to end the one your already in first. If someone can actually be bi sexual it would be him. I don't do the strap...I use a T-bar w/remote while giving him oral, the strap would feel to much like being his gay partner. He enjoys doing oral and anal on me as well. I'm not sure there is much he don't like.
Someone asked earlier about abuse...I am the one that had the horrific childhood. As bad as my marriage is, it is a cake walk compared to my first 18 years. It was verbal and physical abuse by my mother and my father turned a blind eye. It made me look at things differently I am sure. I know it made me a strong person that never gives up. I don't give up on myself others easily. Posted via Mobile Device
24Likes
One more time 70 x 7 
Re: One more time 70 x 7 
