Suspicion and Reconciliation - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-30-2013, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Suspicion and Reconciliation

I am new to TAM, my story is probably similar to many others. We are working on a reconciliation for about 9 months now. My WS has been more than cooperative with me, willing to answer my questions and be respectful of my boundaries, MC, etc.
However, I have become so suspicious of all of his actions. I have NEVER been either a jealous or suspicious person and I hate this about myself.
When these feelings surface, I tell myself I am being silly and reading into things that are not there.
Now I see other women smile at him and I immediately jump to come kind of conclusion that he smiled first.... or he chats with someone in a public place and I think he is flirting.
Here is my question:
What have others on TAM done to cope with this incessant suspicion? The triggers come and go, I've learned to deal with them mostly, but this feeling of suspicion...not good.
Any thoughts would be appreciated
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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 12:39 AM
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

I filed for divorce and am almost 95% sure I won't be reconciling with my STBXH. However, no one knows what the future may bring. With that said, I would awesome that after being a BS you will have jealous and suspicious feelings. However, from my understanding WS should be 100% transparent with you. I mean a smile is a smile. I smile at anyone when I am in a public place. And honestly it is very innocent. Now if your WS is openly flirting with an ex girlfriend or something to that gist, I would say that would be a concern. But I am no expert, but I am thinking your feelings are pretty normal.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 12:40 AM
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

Not awesome ASSUME SORRY! Damn auto correct
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 12:51 AM
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

I think your suspicion is a normal reaction.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 03:09 AM
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

I don't think you will ever regain trust 100%. There will always be 5-10% where you don't trust, same thing if you choose to leave (not saying you will or should) - you will probably bring the lack of trust to the new relationship.

We humans tend to predict the future based on history, which means that only time will help you trust again (of course some willpower, positive thoughts and a decission are required too)

We all make mistakes, it is how we handle them that defines us.
Mistake, definition: An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
My story, part 1: Eight months past D-day Part 2: Ten months, W's lack of remorse? Part 3: Divorce or...?
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 05:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

Thanks for your responses.
I had to smile at assume turned into awesome
It is kind of comforting in a weird way that you think these feelings are expected, but it really is hard because through all of this whole mess, I have changed and I don't really recognize myself sometimes. Don't like it....
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 06:00 AM
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

Quote:
Originally Posted by watcher View Post
Thanks for your responses.
I had to smile at assume turned into awesome
It is kind of comforting in a weird way that you think these feelings are expected, but it really is hard because through all of this whole mess, I have changed and I don't really recognize myself sometimes. Don't like it....
No, there is some comfort in the known, isn't there
People change all the time, and fortunately, you have a big say in how you want to change.

I think distrust is to be expected to some degree, and I think i's healthy as well, because you will realize that you have no way of controlling your spouse and his choices - you can only control yourself, your actions and reactions. In some weird way it will help you letting go.

We all make mistakes, it is how we handle them that defines us.
Mistake, definition: An error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.
My story, part 1: Eight months past D-day Part 2: Ten months, W's lack of remorse? Part 3: Divorce or...?
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 06:12 AM
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No, there is some comfort in the known, isn't there
People change all the time, and fortunately, you have a big say in how you want to change.

I think distrust is to be expected to some degree, and I think i's healthy as well, because you will realize that you have no way of controlling your spouse and his choices - you can only control yourself, your actions and reactions. In some weird way it will help you letting go.
Agree. Nuf said!
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 01-31-2013, 08:14 AM
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Re: Suspicion and Reconciliation

Ive been going through this crap for 5 years...2 years of seperation (on and off) and 3 years in R. I can tell you that I always have doubts.

Last night my WH called me at 4:30 said one of his co-workers from LA was coming through town and called him to eat dinner with him. This has happened before. I said ok but once I hung up the phone I automatically wondered if he was lying, is he really having lunch with the guy, is he really going with someone else, etc. The truth of the matter is that unless I plan on driving over to verify myself then I have to let it go and try to trust him.

I have been a worrier for years!! Something finally clicked in me (just recently)and made me realize that I cant stop it from happening again, I cant control him or his actions. Either Im going to continue to live in this hell of constant worry and speculation or Im going to let it go and know that if there is something I should know God will let me know, some way, some how. In order to find happiness within yourself you have to let it go and trust that you will find out if there is something for you to know.

Its a long road and its hard. The first few times he left the house alone I was a mess. I would sit there and constantly wonder where he was, what he was doing, if he was being bad, etc. Its only hurting you by doing that. You deserve better!

Baby steps....3 years later Im still taking them! Good luck!
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