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Old 02-01-2013, 10:57 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

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Originally Posted by Cedarman View Post

that "She wanted me to get a V because she wanted me to suffer a little like she did by being pregnant". And apparently she was not joking.
Just one more resentment I was clueless about!

Anyway, my question to BS and WS with kids - did you ever feel like it was necessary to "even the score" after pregnancy? In my clueless way - I thought having kids was all good - didn't realize we needed to "even the score".
what EVEN the score... like a little nip and a stitch will EVER make you feel like what its like to have a baby ....

HA HA HA HA !!!! i laugh at this idea

sometimes you wish they could feel like what its like, the pain, how hard it is to lose weight, how much pain you're in, what its like to have no sleep...

but a V will never come close and its not about getting revenge, i am sure you both decided to have kids... and ive had 4 so to go back and do it all again after the first .... lots and lots of women do it everyday.

i think she just was angry with you even then about whatever she believes you did or for whatever reason.

i wish for one day men knew what we went through as women but its not going to happen

.... most of you wouldnt handle one day of it anyway ... ha ha ha ( im laughing )
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Old 02-02-2013, 01:16 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

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what EVEN the score... like a little nip and a stitch will EVER make you feel like what its like to have a baby ....

HA HA HA HA !!!! i laugh at this idea

sometimes you wish they could feel like what its like, the pain, how hard it is to lose weight, how much pain you're in, what its like to have no sleep...

but a V will never come close and its not about getting revenge, i am sure you both decided to have kids... and ive had 4 so to go back and do it all again after the first .... lots and lots of women do it everyday.

i think she just was angry with you even then about whatever she believes you did or for whatever reason.

i wish for one day men knew what we went through as women but its not going to happen

.... most of you wouldnt handle one day of it anyway ... ha ha ha ( im laughing )
um.... yeah....hilarious...

Cedarman... your wife is a sociopath. End of story. Be glad you're getting rid of her.
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Old 02-02-2013, 08:55 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

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um.... yeah....hilarious...

Cedarman... your wife is a sociopath. End of story. Be glad you're getting rid of her.
True and true. Something has snapped inside of her and nobdoy can fix it, maybe except for herself.

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what EVEN the score... like a little nip and a stitch will EVER make you feel like what its like to have a baby ....

HA HA HA HA !!!! i laugh at this idea

sometimes you wish they could feel like what its like, the pain, how hard it is to lose weight, how much pain you're in, what its like to have no sleep...

but a V will never come close and its not about getting revenge, i am sure you both decided to have kids... and ive had 4 so to go back and do it all again after the first .... lots and lots of women do it everyday.

i think she just was angry with you even then about whatever she believes you did or for whatever reason.

i wish for one day men knew what we went through as women but its not going to happen

.... most of you wouldnt handle one day of it anyway ... ha ha ha ( im laughing )
INTERESTING FACT: Pain is measured in units known as del. The human body can withstand about 45 del before it becomes unbearable. Giving birth is 57 del. Pretty bad, right? But, getting hit in the testicles can range from 400 to 9000 del which is something like the equivalent of giving birth about 160 times or breaking about 20 bones at a time. Now, next time you plan to act so ignorant, keep in mind how much more getting hit in the balls hurts.
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Old 02-02-2013, 10:18 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

I know some people have said that passing a kidney stone is close to the pain of giving birth.

My sister, 5'1", gave birth to a 10 pound baby without anaesthetic.

Later in life, she had a kidney stone. She said the kidney stone was close, but not as bad as labour.

I'll take her word for it.


Anyway, the point for my stbxw was not to even the score - it seemed to be more about making sure that I was willing show her I was willing to sacrifice something. I had no idea it was THAT important to her that she would make such a caustic comment. And she never told me. I just followed my doctor's advice (of course he was old and quite old fashioned in his viewpoints) - although admittedly, I didn't want to get one - after seeing what my brother went through.

ETA - given what's happened to my marriage - I'm kind of thankful since it leaves options open should I meet somebody new, who is young enough to still want kids.
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Old 02-02-2013, 10:35 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

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Anyway, the point for my stbxw was not to even the score - it seemed to be more about making sure that I was willing show her I was willing to sacrifice something. I had no idea it was THAT important to her that she would make such a caustic comment. And she never told me.
Gunnysacking, it's what she was doing. Some people simply have a mental black notebook in which they take account of all their "sacrifices" (actualy personal choices, wich implies they choose the reward) expecting the others payback. So yes, it's to even the score.
Actually it's the train of thoughts behind her "MLC", she was that selfless criature, perpetual victim who always put others before her until she had enough and finnaly started taking care of herself, It's about time!!. She only had to grow the balls, evolve, be brave for once. You posted time ago one of your wife's letters. I was very telling.
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Old 02-02-2013, 10:40 AM   #21 (permalink)
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You posted time ago one of your wife's letters. I was very telling.
The one with the "I'm sorry I'm not an inconfident, shy young girl any more" in it?
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Old 02-02-2013, 10:55 AM   #22 (permalink)
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The one with the "I'm sorry I'm not an inconfident, shy young girl any more" in it?
Blal blah blah blah, blah blah blah, bla .......pffffffffftt!!!
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Old 02-02-2013, 11:12 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

Yes, from my stbxw's perspective, everything happens TO her. She is just an innocent "victim" of circumstance. I was a controlling, paranoid, insecure husband who she outgrew. At least, that's HER version.

For background: Here is a copy of the email (in which she tried to retract her confession of her PA the morning after I contacted the POSOM). Remember, she confessed to this 2009 PA AFTER we had separated and she moved out this past fall. When you read it - pay attention to where she says she didn't realize it would hurt more people than me and our children. Isn't that wonderful? To be more concerned about hurting the POSOM vs your husband and children?:


***************
"Cedarman",

I did not have a physical affair with "POSOM". I made that up. Remember the context in which this "confession" was obtained from me. On the day of the ***** banquet, you had spoken with your lawyer and suggested to me that we could speed up the divorce process if there was a physical relationship. I stupidly "confessed" without thinking, hoping it would in fact speed up the process, without understanding that it would hurt not just you and our kids but also other people who are not even part of this equation.

I made it up because I thought it would make it easier for you to let go of me.

I wanted to have a physical relationship with "POSOM" but never went through with it because I had my breasts done in March 2009 and the scars from that surgery was horrible. I was too self conscious to let anyone near it.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on our situation in the last few weeks. What happened between us is very sad. I changed from the young, insecure, bewildered 23 year old into a more confident women with different needs. But somehow, those needs were not being met and I did irreparable damage by looking outside the marriage to satisfy those needs. Call it vanity, mid-life crisis, narcissism - I took the wrong path.

What is happening now is also very sad. Tragic. I know I am responsible for it and I am sorry. I am working on getting to a better place emotionally and I hope you will too.

STBXW

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Old 02-02-2013, 11:38 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

So now those "needs" are being met by clubbing and being a cougar. How nice. Your stbx will crush like the Hindenburg, just step back and watch.

I really hope your daughters will look at her and see what they should NOT do. She is setting a terrible example, especially for young girls that will soon start going out on their own.
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Old 02-02-2013, 12:20 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

Wow Cedarman, that email gives some insight into your stbx's thinking...to answer your original question, I would never even consider wanting my husband to feel the pain of labour...when you love someone, the last thing you want to see is them hurting or in pain. She definitely seems to view others as what she can get from them...sad.
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Old 02-02-2013, 12:36 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Find your daughters another "mommy" perhaps? One they can look up to while their own mother is out clubbing and bringing home men nearly their age.
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Old 02-02-2013, 12:44 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Pregnancy and evening out the parental sacrifice

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Find your daughters another "mommy" perhaps? One they can look up to while their own mother is out clubbing and bringing home men nearly their age.
That would be a great plan, except the best I can hope for is 50% custody. BTW, our daughters are 14 and 12. We waited 10 years before kids. I'm looking back and realizing that our problems started within a couple years of when our youngest daughter was weaned. Baby steps all the way in terms of my stbxw's testing of the boundaries. I didn't even notice the problem until it was too late - then I handled it all wrong - that's how subtle it crept up on me.
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Old 02-02-2013, 12:56 PM   #28 (permalink)
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That would be a great plan, except the best I can hope for is 50% custody. BTW, our daughters are 14 and 12. We waited 10 years before kids. I'm looking back and realizing that our problems started within a couple years of when our youngest daughter was weaned. Baby steps all the way in terms of my stbxw's testing of the boundaries. I didn't even notice the problem until it was too late - then I handled it all wrong - that's how subtle it crept up on me.
Yeah, it happens. Just read something like this in one of the earlier MMSL blog posts. What the hell happened?

The worst thing about these stuff is we(men) don't understand what relationships truly are until **** starts raining from the sky. But once your eyes are opened, you cannot close them again and you see the world for what it is.
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Old 02-02-2013, 01:07 PM   #29 (permalink)
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This is ridiculous comparing giving birth and having a vasectomy.
Everyone's experiences are different. I've had 3 kids, all different experiences, my H had a vasectomy 11 years ago, no problems, back to work a day later.
Having a vasectomy, like having kids is a choice you should make together as a couple. For your wife to say what she did is crazy, and I think, just another excuse for her behaviour.
Look child birth is painful but the end result is something beautiful, if your wife meant what she said then what a nasty piece of work she is!
Try putting it behind you, you know she's just blame shifting again!
Take care!
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Old 02-02-2013, 01:13 PM   #30 (permalink)
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So now those "needs" are being met by clubbing and being a cougar. How nice. Your stbx will crush like the Hindenburg, just step back and watch.
Already done, it's actually happening since she started having envy of her toxic cougars cheating friends and their running from aging.
All her behavior and psychological landscape is everything but one of a confident woman/human being. Just the contrary. The vanity, the botox, the cosmetic surgery, the clubbing, the detachment from her own children... She's crashing for years only she has to reframe it/rationalize/self lie in order to accep herself. Fortunately for her she as an IC and her toxic friends to enable and a cultural narrative to save face.
Many pleople have no coping skills and keep digging the hole. She's very lucky to have an XH to deal with the children, they are possible the only thing which stop her from going to the deep end.
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