Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Did my wife cheat, or am I crazy???

86K views 243 replies 57 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Not sure if the wife is cheating, please help, I will try to be concise.
Evidence:
*lots of sexy underwear in her drawer she never wears with me, but I have seen her wear to work
*when I suggested a surprise weekday dinner out, she exclaimed "noooo!!" as if I was interupting other plans she was looking forward too. She quickly backed off and accepted the "date".
*passionless sex without eye contact or any effort on her part, just a chore.
* comments accusing me of cheating, and negative comments regarding my character, basic bickering, and pointedly "You better make more money so you can keep me".

Investigation:
*Installed a VAR, found nothing, though I only did it for a week.
*found no other evidence, no red flags, just my "gut feeling".

Confrontation:
I can't shake this "gut feeling" that something is up, so, as we were preparing for a trip abroad, I asked her at dinner "Do you still want to be in a realtionship with me... I had a feeling perhaps you were seeing someone else"...

*Her first response was "WHy are you bringing this up now?" , and she looked "concerned"and listened while eating and not making eye contact.
*I ask "why all the sexy underwear, I never see it, and why do you wear it to work", and she was somewhat speechless, said the underwear was uncomfortable to her, and anyway she didn't have that much sexy underwear, we look thru her drawer and it is actually more than 50% of what is in the drawer. She got a guilty look on her face, a sheepish smile.
*"Are you seeing someone at work"...and she laughed and asked if I saw all the ugly men she worked with. Then she mentioned she was "insulted" that I believe she would cheat, because cheating was a "character flaw" and "disgraceful". Then she CHANGED THE SUBJECT...
*I ask "Do you believe I cheat" and she laughed disrespectfully, as if this is incomprehensible, and said she doesn't suspect me of cheating. (My impression, she implied no woman would want me?).
*Then I asked about her old boyfriend, she once told me that he called her asking to meet for drinks. At this point she says THIS NEVER HAPPENED...then she added that I have a lot of baggage from my previous experience with the cheating X... and she insisted that I BELIEVE that she did not cheat.

NOW I see different behavior
*she became much nicer to me, now has "present sex" where she looks at me and makes an effort.
*A week later she brings this up out-of-the-blue: "I didn't cheat and I will take a lie detector test if you like".
* out-of-the-blue she tells me she loves me, and has mentioned that we will never get a divorce since "neither of us cheats".

I don't know what to make of all this. I am leaning towards believing she cheated, but I am also somewhat paranoid due to my x-wife's infidelity. I am confused. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
 
See less See more
#176 ·
From my experience she will take a polygraph and fail it and still say it was wrong. My wife had an affair and did all the things the OP posted. Go with your gut. It's usually right.
 
#177 ·
This brings up a good point. If your wife is adamant that she did not cheat and wants to reassure you would she take a polygraph to set your mind at ease? I know if my wife had any concerns about me I wouldn't hesitate and I know she wouldn't flinch either. Does your wife love you enough to take a polygraph so you can set aside these concerns?
 
#178 ·
Okay here are the facts

You suspect cheating. You have noticed dishonesty when confronting about the underwear.
Why feel guilty about buying underwear with her money. It was not purchased for you because she has not worn it for you.

You mentioned the strained relationship. Living in two houses is not good. Why wouldn't she just want to sell the house and get all that money out of it? I mean she could move in sell her house and invest the money and be even better off.

So she has a complete other home she can go to at any time without any scrutiny. Therefore having an affair would be very easy for her.

You want to know what I would do. Put a var in her bedroom in her house. Should be easy enough to do. There are a lot of things that don't make sense.
I live in a blended family an my stepsons are treated the same as my biological children with my wife.

I see a lot of your posts where you are defending this arrangement even though it really is illogical and if you are married it wouldn't hurt your kids to see you in a happy relationship. But your woman is acting like a girlfriend and not a wife. I married my wife and my step children too. You don't get to just bail and if she choose to live separately there was a reason for it and it may not be a entirely honest and moral reason.
 
#182 ·
So my wife is cool with us not spending Valentines Day together, we are going out tonight instead, Thursdays I am usually home with the boys, have scouts until late.

She also told me not to bother sending any flowers to her office as it is just before the weekend and she will have to bring them home and that is a hassle.

My Spidey senses are tingling, it smells like she is planning a date with her B-friend, if there is one. My plan is to show up at her place around 7:45 Valentines Day and see if she is home, make some excuse that I am "surprising" her. I am also going to set up a VAR tonight in her apartment.

This should be definitive.
 
#188 ·
Thanks for the support. It is odd to me that she does not want me to send flowers, as she always has in the past. Paranoid ME says it is because someone else may send her flowers and she does not want to have to explain to co-workers why she has 2 deliveries.

Also, in the past we met for Valentines Day, this time she is OK with the night before.

I am going to her place around 7, and see if she if home. If not I am going in to "surprise" her, see what happens. Kind of nervous.
 
#189 ·
Also last night, after diner, no romance, no intimacy. I always initiate, but didn't and I thought maybe she attempted to initiate, or thought it odd that I didn't: since I suspect her I am in a bad mood. And I couldn't sleep last night and she was very nice and affectionate about it, but since I suspect her I am not open to her affection.

This is the flip-side of being suspicious without evidence, if affects the way you feel towards your spouse, AND IT IS JUST AS LIKELY SHE IS 100% FAITHFUL and my behavior is "crazy".
 
#198 ·
Ever-Man, hello from a newbie here. I read all your thread, it caught my interest.
I find your suspicions very based. When a woman buys sexy lingerie, it's usually sign that she just started seeing a guy, or has a very active sexual relationship with her current partner. She doesn't buy them just to look at herself in the mirror in them...
She stated her willingness to take a poly test. That can mean :
1. She is bluffing- she doesn't think you would go that far by making her take it
2.She knows that poly test are not 100% accurate, and she can use this should the result say she's lying. Or, she is that good a liar that she is confident she can cheat the poly.
3.She really has nothing to hide. But then, what's about the lingerie, guilty look, not spending V-DAY together and not wanting flowers from you?
I hope you did install the VAR, and in addition to that, may I suggest a hidden camera? Google nanny cams, hidden cameras, ther is a wide selection of websites providing all kind of cameras for all needs. Get one in her house.
You sound like a good, forgiving husband, but why on Earth would you want to be married with a woman who hates your kids, puts you down and apparently, is even cheating on you?? Why not find
a woman who loves chidren, YOUR children, is ready to move in with you to be a full time wife and mother? Both you and the kids deserve better than this.
 
#201 ·
I'm happy you had a good Valentine's day.. but if there are logical questions that are yet unresolved then I wouldn't give up on monitoring just yet. all these panties and yet never for you? for whom then? why NOT for you if they are in her drawer?

Also, it was V-day that you checked up on her. Its the one day she SHOULD expect a surprise visit from you.

Also, if there WAS an affair that is now over, that thought would not be acceptable to me. I would need to know.
 
#202 ·
I think you have posted in the past that she DOES WEAR or HAS WORN the sexy lingerie to work, but NEVER with you.

That is cheater behavior.

I had an old girlfriend a long time ago tell me that women in general, and her in particular, KNEW before they left the house whether or not they would be having sex on their date. She was trying to tell me that the decision for sex had nothing to do with what a guy said or did while out with her on the date, as long as he didn't screw it up too badly, the decision for sex on her part was made before she even left the house. And if she decided to have sex, there was a lot of PREP work, grooming, freshening up, AND SEXY LINGERIE. I don't think that same prep work necessarily applies to husbands, but it does to guys with whom the sexual relationship is just beginning.

Everman, you also had other signs of infidelity, albeit very vague ones, such as feeling a distance, not wanting to be together at certain times, and your own gut feeling.

If your wife has, in fact, worn the lingerie to work, then her "itchy" excuse and the fact that she bought so much of it and the fact that you NEVER get an ANSWER to the question of WHY she buys it, all bother me a lot.

Trying to put myself in your shoes, I know I would confront directly and demand an answer about the lingerie, the "itchy" excuse, her wearing it to work, her buying so much of it. If me pushing for an answer on that would destroy my marriage, then the heck with it, my marriage isn't very strong and maybe not worth saving. This is not the type of question that, IF ALL IS WELL, should be any kind of sticking point for my wife to answer. Maybe my wife gets annoyed with me for asking, but I AM going to get an answer that makes sense or I AM NOT going to leave that subject alone.

If you refuse to push for an answer on the lingerie question, if your marriage can't survive that type of questioning, then just stop driving yourself crazy with the snooping and stakeouts and just keep your eyes and ear open going forward.
 
#210 ·
And if she decided to have sex, there was a lot of PREP work, grooming, freshening up, AND SEXY LINGERIE. I don't think that same prep work necessarily applies to husbands, but it does to guys with whom the sexual relationship is just beginning.
This would explain why she does not wear it for me, in a legitimate way, not related to infidelity. As a relationship becomes routine, it is true that prepping for marital sex can become rare, or non-existant, in many relationships. personally, I am not down with that, even if there is no infidelity.
 
#203 ·
The lingerie is evidence enough. What other possible reason could she have lingerie and not be wearing it for you?

She's cheating/ed. Are you okay with it?

To me it sounds like you are just so relieved she's stopped. Hey that's great (i'm not being sarcastic) but at the same time what does it mean for your marriage? She was willing to cheat already, how will you affair proof your marriage going forward? Won't that require working on trust, which now is fairly non-existent?
 
#207 ·
lol. I just have to say it again. she's contradicting herself and proving herself to be lying. THATS NOT GOOD.

She doesn't wear them because they are itchy. LIE. You saw her wearing them to work. No one in their right mind would spend a whole day at work wearing something they found itchy and uncomfortable.

She doesn't ever wear them. LIE. You saw her wear them. Also she bought them with the intention of wearing them. Why did she buy them? Of course she is wearing them.

She is not wearing them with you around. WTF. Thats not good.

In summary, she doesn't wear hot panties around you but only when she goes off to work. She says they are uncomfortable when asked why you don't ever see them on. That's a lie. She's had disconnected uninterested sex with you in the past (typical WW behaviour. Emotionally detach from husband when cheating.)

I think all is not resolved and warrants more than just monitoring. You need to think outside the box and up your investigation level.

Can you afford a PI? I think one would be able to solve it for you. Just wait until things settle down and you suspect she may be starting up again. Have the PI on speed-dial.
 
#208 · (Edited)
THanks everyone for the feedback.

The lingerie is a big sticking point with me and the main reason I began to suspect something was up. We have been together for 8 years, she used to wear sexy lingerie for me on those special nights, and then it tapered off to never.

WHen I first confronted about the underwear, she told me she didn't have that much lingerie, so we went to her drawer and noted that MOST of her underwear is "sexy". Regarding her wearing it to work, my memory is a bit foggy as to when I noticed this and how often, she does not wear it to work currently, but I noted she looked quite sexy going to work some mornings, and this made me suspicious.

So I carefully examined this lingerie with my heavy-duty reading glasses, and do notice a lot of it does seem to be in good condition, not worn much. and some have tags still on them that have "yellowed" they have been on so long.

But it still bothers me. I am still on guard and wanting to know if something is/did happen.

I am going to set up the VAR more, though the real nut to crack is her workplace; it looks like it is/was a workplace affair situation to me.

Since the one time I brought up my suspicions (around Thanksgiving) I felt it was revealing in several ways, I may bring this up again, and see if I can get her to crack. I told her flat out "I cannot be fooled, I have been through this before and I know what it feels like" and this was met with a look of concern on her face, and silence.

For people who have been through this before, spouses can lie convincingly, remain silent strategically, go "underground" with an affair until the scrutiny subsides, and in the words of Bill Clinton, a serial cheater, "deny, deny, deny", and they do so with a clear conscious because they believe they are PROTECTING YOU from being hurt. They lie FOR YOU, and will say nearly anything. I will never fully trust a woman again, knowing what I know.

I can also bring up the "lie detector" offer again, see the reaction.

Thanks again to everyone who has helped with their opinion.
 
#212 ·
It seems like you remain in limbo unfortunately. Your Valentines Day was heartening, but the lingerie issue remains troubling. So, you can't find real peace, which is completely understandable. If I were in your shoes, I would just stay vigilant and see how things develop.
 
#219 ·
I am not convinced on the infidelity in this case. If all you have is the panties issue, then I would not obsess. As men, we are very visual creatures, so I don't know if she understands that the sexual attire adds to the experience. You may want to convey that to her. The bottom line naturally not if she wears the panties, but the quality of the intimacy.

As for the polygraph, it is a very effective tool for what it is designed to do. If you want to know the answer to a Yes/No question, than it would be virtually impossible for her to deceive the test. Example...."have you ever had sex with another man during your marriage?" Questions like ..."do you still have feelings for him?" are very subjective and will not give you good results. The key is to get a good examiner to perform the test. Meet with him in advance so that you can develop a good test.
 
#222 ·
It's really strange that she wears them to work but says they are uncomfortable. It's even more strange that she has worn them, and you've mentioned them several times to her to the point of suspicion and yet she still has not worn them for you.

This is way strange. I would think she would get the hint and wear them for you. Let's be real if she puts them on they only stay on for a little while till you take them off her. How hard could it be to just wear the darn things.

Unless ....it's too weird for her to wear them for both you and the OM. She has a boundary and this messes it up for her.

Maybe... Sorry, but I have a problem with this panty thing.
 
#223 ·
Thanks all for the insights, it really helps to get other ideas, the power of group thinking!!

I agree that I cannot "nice guy" her back into my arms if she is torn and engaged in an affair, if this affair is even happening. I do believe it may not, at all, but I can't ignore the red flags and look for answers.

Back to the lingerie, I have speculated that someone bought them for her, my first suspicions that an affair was happening was 2 years ago, a few weeks after Valentines, when we also did not meet on THE DAY (like last week), and I was starting to get paranoid, that is when I first looked in the underwear drawer and noticed all the lingerie, in particular 3 pairs that are VALENTINES related, and I freaked. They were from Gap Body. During Valentines Gap sells Valentines related themed underwear in packs of 3. She never wore these for me, and several months later I noticed she had THROWN THEM IN THE GARBAGE.
I understand it would be hard to wear underwear bought for you by a horny affair partner with your husband.

Scenario: affair partner buys her underwear for V-day, she later throws them out because: they have a fight?, she feels guilty, she is concerned about getting caught?

At least this is what I put together in my head.

Given my investigations and gut feeling, I suspect something was going on in that time period (2 years ago) and at the time I really turned on the charm and felt her come back to me, emotionally.

Given recent investigations I do not believe anything is happening now, but knowing what I know about affairs, it is an ongoing event, and it could flare up again, if there even is/was one.

This is why I do need some kind of certainty. I almost feel 85% something had happened, (fell 45% it still could be happening. low level) especially given her reaction to my confrontation 3 months ago (telling her I suspect she WAS having an affair, giving her my evidence) and her subsequent positive change in behavior towards me, and her fishing for my thoughts regarding cheating.

It all adds up, but without SOLID EVIDENCE, I could also be 100% wrong and just jumping to the worst conclusions regarding all disparate pieces of evidence.

So hard!!!!!!!!!
 
#224 ·
She may have bought the V day panties for you. You did not show. Epic fail. More women, tens of thousands, sign up for cheating web sites the day after valentines and the day after mothers day than any other time.
Not making a big deal of these days, no matter what the wife/girfiend says is total failure. You see how she reacted whdn you showed up. Sounds like you have mised the boat on romancing your wife.
 
#225 ·
Possibly, but it was the wife that suggested we not do anything for Valentines day. At this point I had already sensed a distance and pre-occupation on her part, not fully "there" when she is with me, or when we are intimate.

THe minimizing of V-Day could be out of guilt, or out of a lack-of-interest in being romantic with one's spouse; it is clearly an avoidance of intimacy. last week, when we had dinner the night before Valentines Day, she was not fully present, seemed pre-occupied, and this was my biggest clue/concern, that she was thinking about the real V-Day, and the person she really wanted to see.

I think when someone is having an affair, it is hard for them to hide their ambiguity at screwing 2 people, and and lying to their spouse. This is why "gut instinct" or behavioral changes can be the first clue something is up.

If she bought the underwear for me and had plans for a romantic night, it was not showing in her behavior. I wish it was.
 
#227 ·
Is there a way for you to track her trough a GPS ?
can you install a Key logger on her PC ?

if not the only rout for you at this moment would be a PI
and from what I am reading you describing it is most likely very well underground or on low burner, you must keep investigating unfortunately, your described red flags are very strong
 
#229 ·
She has a boiler plate Samsung with a Sprint plan. I would to love to set the GPS on her phone, though I have no idea how. It is her plan, so I have no access to passwords.

Ideally I could position something in her purse that would record and be a GPS, however, I am not sure I can be that invasive of her privacy.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top