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Did my wife cheat, or am I crazy???

86K views 243 replies 57 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Not sure if the wife is cheating, please help, I will try to be concise.
Evidence:
*lots of sexy underwear in her drawer she never wears with me, but I have seen her wear to work
*when I suggested a surprise weekday dinner out, she exclaimed "noooo!!" as if I was interupting other plans she was looking forward too. She quickly backed off and accepted the "date".
*passionless sex without eye contact or any effort on her part, just a chore.
* comments accusing me of cheating, and negative comments regarding my character, basic bickering, and pointedly "You better make more money so you can keep me".

Investigation:
*Installed a VAR, found nothing, though I only did it for a week.
*found no other evidence, no red flags, just my "gut feeling".

Confrontation:
I can't shake this "gut feeling" that something is up, so, as we were preparing for a trip abroad, I asked her at dinner "Do you still want to be in a realtionship with me... I had a feeling perhaps you were seeing someone else"...

*Her first response was "WHy are you bringing this up now?" , and she looked "concerned"and listened while eating and not making eye contact.
*I ask "why all the sexy underwear, I never see it, and why do you wear it to work", and she was somewhat speechless, said the underwear was uncomfortable to her, and anyway she didn't have that much sexy underwear, we look thru her drawer and it is actually more than 50% of what is in the drawer. She got a guilty look on her face, a sheepish smile.
*"Are you seeing someone at work"...and she laughed and asked if I saw all the ugly men she worked with. Then she mentioned she was "insulted" that I believe she would cheat, because cheating was a "character flaw" and "disgraceful". Then she CHANGED THE SUBJECT...
*I ask "Do you believe I cheat" and she laughed disrespectfully, as if this is incomprehensible, and said she doesn't suspect me of cheating. (My impression, she implied no woman would want me?).
*Then I asked about her old boyfriend, she once told me that he called her asking to meet for drinks. At this point she says THIS NEVER HAPPENED...then she added that I have a lot of baggage from my previous experience with the cheating X... and she insisted that I BELIEVE that she did not cheat.

NOW I see different behavior
*she became much nicer to me, now has "present sex" where she looks at me and makes an effort.
*A week later she brings this up out-of-the-blue: "I didn't cheat and I will take a lie detector test if you like".
* out-of-the-blue she tells me she loves me, and has mentioned that we will never get a divorce since "neither of us cheats".

I don't know what to make of all this. I am leaning towards believing she cheated, but I am also somewhat paranoid due to my x-wife's infidelity. I am confused. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
 
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#232 ·
Greetings to any TAM members who have been following my situations, I decided to share this with the "collective wisdom" of TAM and get insights.

I had been backing off my suspicions regarding my wife's fidelity until she mentioned that she was going to dye her hair jet black (she dyes her hair due to some gray), which hit me as another "red flag". Also, I placed a flash drive on the table and she looked at it suspiciously saying "what's this", as if implying it was a listening device, that seemed a "red flag" too. Given I confronted her with my suspicions about her fidelity over 3 months ago in November, if this is still on her mind, does her heightened awareness regarding my suspicions indicate she is "on guard" I am surveiling her, and wouldn't only a guilty person have these concerns?

I am 35% believing something is still up (was 80%) so I have hatched a plan focusing on the "sexy panties" and letting them lead me to the suspected "affair". I catalogued the collection and noted that there are 35 "sexy panties" to 15 "granny panties". My objective is to ascertain if she if wearing these behind my back.

One complication, she is starting to wear the "sexy" panties for me on nights we know we will be intimate, since I mentioned it a few times. This concerns me a bit since she might be "tipped off" by my suspicions, and gone underground with the presumed affair.

Has anyone had experience with extended surveliance plans in order to catch a very careful spouses affair. How long did it take to find HARD EVIDENCE?
 
#237 ·
Most of the affairs on these sites are between couples who live together. It is not the living situation, but the committment of the partners. Many married couples are taken away from eachother by jobs, and other responsibilities. For some reason, in my case, there is a group of TAMers who seem to think I deserve to get cheated on. Mind you, I am living the same arrangement as my wife, and I am not cheating.

Also, I really enjoy TAMers who use members personal details to insult them, shows real sensitivity. Thanks for being an .....
 
#238 ·
I am not going to mention anything of the affair or my suspicions until after I do surveliance. I already feel she is "tipped off", and this both makes me suspicious, and concerned the affair has gone underground, if there is one.

After several weeks of blanket surveliance, if I find nothing I might bring up the poly then, see where that leads.
 
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