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Did my wife cheat, or am I crazy???

86K views 243 replies 57 participants last post by  weightlifter 
#1 ·
Not sure if the wife is cheating, please help, I will try to be concise.
Evidence:
*lots of sexy underwear in her drawer she never wears with me, but I have seen her wear to work
*when I suggested a surprise weekday dinner out, she exclaimed "noooo!!" as if I was interupting other plans she was looking forward too. She quickly backed off and accepted the "date".
*passionless sex without eye contact or any effort on her part, just a chore.
* comments accusing me of cheating, and negative comments regarding my character, basic bickering, and pointedly "You better make more money so you can keep me".

Investigation:
*Installed a VAR, found nothing, though I only did it for a week.
*found no other evidence, no red flags, just my "gut feeling".

Confrontation:
I can't shake this "gut feeling" that something is up, so, as we were preparing for a trip abroad, I asked her at dinner "Do you still want to be in a realtionship with me... I had a feeling perhaps you were seeing someone else"...

*Her first response was "WHy are you bringing this up now?" , and she looked "concerned"and listened while eating and not making eye contact.
*I ask "why all the sexy underwear, I never see it, and why do you wear it to work", and she was somewhat speechless, said the underwear was uncomfortable to her, and anyway she didn't have that much sexy underwear, we look thru her drawer and it is actually more than 50% of what is in the drawer. She got a guilty look on her face, a sheepish smile.
*"Are you seeing someone at work"...and she laughed and asked if I saw all the ugly men she worked with. Then she mentioned she was "insulted" that I believe she would cheat, because cheating was a "character flaw" and "disgraceful". Then she CHANGED THE SUBJECT...
*I ask "Do you believe I cheat" and she laughed disrespectfully, as if this is incomprehensible, and said she doesn't suspect me of cheating. (My impression, she implied no woman would want me?).
*Then I asked about her old boyfriend, she once told me that he called her asking to meet for drinks. At this point she says THIS NEVER HAPPENED...then she added that I have a lot of baggage from my previous experience with the cheating X... and she insisted that I BELIEVE that she did not cheat.

NOW I see different behavior
*she became much nicer to me, now has "present sex" where she looks at me and makes an effort.
*A week later she brings this up out-of-the-blue: "I didn't cheat and I will take a lie detector test if you like".
* out-of-the-blue she tells me she loves me, and has mentioned that we will never get a divorce since "neither of us cheats".

I don't know what to make of all this. I am leaning towards believing she cheated, but I am also somewhat paranoid due to my x-wife's infidelity. I am confused. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
 
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#2 ·
Hi,

To be fair it sounds like maybe she was *thinking* of it and your talk gave her a kick up the back side.

I don't think you have enough to go on beyond that.

On the other hand, my vstbxw did say all of the above when I challenged her and we maintained a good sex life pretty much throughout the 2 1/2 year pa she had with a loser.

She also began to swear on our kids' lives that she hadn't cheated - when she had cheated the very night before.

So, after I started typing thinking you are being paranoid, I have finished by thinking your wife is banging someone else silly and you got close to catching her, so now she is covering it up...
 
#4 ·
tell her that yes - you can't shake the nagging feeling that she's been seeing someone - even if not for sex. You appreciate her gesture because you want to have a deep relationship with her.

Thank her for being "present" and tell her you noticed the difference and are grateful she's been so committed lately. You want to continue that way. Ask her if there's anything you can do to improve the marriage.

Offer to take a poly with her. Then see if she backs out or argues against the poly for whatever reason. ANY reason is a red flag.
 
#6 ·
I was in a similar situation. I even saw emails that were passed between my wife and another guy. She even met him. She denied it for a long time and yes lied very good. Eventually she came clean. She said it wasn't sexual. I believed her but knew at the very least it was an emotional affair which I considered as worse and could lead to physical anyway. The decision really became do I love her and want to try to make it work. I decided to make it work. We went to counseling to improve communication between us. It has helped. If I were you I would probably forget what happened or might have happened in the past and focus on the future if you want to save the marriage. Your wife is making an obvious effort so give her the chance. I agree with a previous poster she might have been considering an affair but may not have gone through with it.

Bottom line is she said the affair wasn't physical and agreed not to speak to contact the guy anymore.
 
#8 ·
No evidence. I'd say no. Maybe she was thinking about it, but you have nothing to go on.

Keep being vigilant. Keylogger on the computer.

Check cell phone logs on-line.

Does she let you see her phone?
 
#12 ·
:iagree:

I thought it was just my WW that was addicted to her phone, but after coming to TAM I found most cheaters lock that thing up like Ft. Knox subconsciously. Have you checked you cell records? Does she stay up late at night after you are gone to bed? Some other similar threads for cheaters.

Definitely red flags there for me, admittedly not knowing your exact situation.
 
#11 ·
I am thinking about this too, perhaps have a man approach her and see if she is receptive. Or maybe a GPS, or more VAR.

Since we do not live together she does have a lot of time and opportunity to cheat. Another bit of evidence came when she smirked and said "If you have suspicians perhaps you should move in with me".
 
#10 ·
thanks for the responses, and, Chris989, the laughs.

I am ambiguous, but having been thru this before, as I told my wife "I can't be fooled", since it is mostly a "feeling" that can be most telling.

I agree that this requires more snooping, there are a lot of red flags, also including she asked to break it off once.

I feel like I married the same woman as my X: she sees me as second best, but good enough until something better comes along.

I did notice that when I asked if she was cheating she didn't say "I am happy and love and respect you to much" she said "It is a character flaw to cheat".

Does anyone think offering to take a lie detector test was a sign of guilt?
 
#19 ·
I am not interested in a poly as I do not believe it is accurate, and failing can be explained away. Does anyone have experiences with this?

Behavior can be telling, and I can't shake the fact that after I brought this up, she is much nicer to me, though it is tapering off a bit too.

THis is hard to interpret: a sign of guilt, or is it done because she is concerned that I do not feel secure in the relationship?

If she were truly "angry" that I suspect her of infidelity, wouldn't she be "less nice", and angrily bring it up "Perhaps we will stay married long-term, as long as you stop accusing me of cheating" as opposed to being nicer and saying sheepishly "We will stay together since neither of us cheats", waiting to see my response.
 
#17 ·
If you haven't already done so and you actually have a joint cell-phone account with her, it's high time that you start examining her cell phone call and text logs, for say the past year. It's contingent upon you to see when and where she's been placing, as well as receiving calls and texts.

After due examination, if you should find that there's an inordinate number of calls/texts to or from a particular phone number other than your own, then I'd greatly say that that would indeed be your "smoking gun."
 
#20 ·
I've gotten mixed messages from her regarding infidelity. Since we do not live together full-time, she mentioned, more than once, that she would rather have me get a girlfriend than move into my house. She has also said that if she catches me cheating she will divorce me. Conversely, when her sister's husband was cheating, she thought it would be permissible if he only treated her sister well while having girlfriends on the side.

SHe has a "dark-side" and I mentioned to her that while I know she is not the type to be unfaithful, "you have a dark side" and she admitted this in a guilty manner, not making eye contact with me when she said it.
 
#24 ·
I see some red flags here for sure. The underwear thing isn't a good sign, especially when she is only wearing it to work and didn't seem to give you any really good answer about it. Not proof, but you should keep digging to be sure either way.
 
#26 ·
Can I be blunt? :)

Schedule the polygraph, mister. Do it yesterday.

Explain to her that you were so pleased that she offered, because it means that she's willing to be transparent with you. Tell her she knows how horrible it was that your first wife cheated on you, and the polygraph would really help you to clear away the anxiety. Frame it as she is the super hero wife for doing this.

Now let's work on your set of questions!
 
#28 ·
Hmmmm, tuff one as I think poly's are not reliable. What if she fails, but is truthful, imagine the trouble that would create. I want solid evidence, or an admission. In the end, all the stories, feedback and threads on TAM are quite enlightening. Does anyone know of a polygraph thread?
 
#30 ·
You haven't read enough threads on TAM.

Chapparal only said schedule the polygraph and see what her reaction is.

She may get defensive, she may get evasive, or she may acquiesce only to give you a "parking lot confession" once you reach the polygraph lab.

You need to think about this more in terms of action-reaction, not a quest for unadulterated truth. You're quite possibly in a cheater's world now and the rules are different.
 
#36 ·
THe more I investigate my feelings via TAM and all your invaluable input, the more I believe I might need to do this, but it is FOR ME, with the small amount of evidence I have. Plus, even if she is cheating, I do not want a D, I just do not want to be blind-sided like in my previous marriage. If I do uncover the truth and she knows I know, I believe SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE to remain married to me.

I am trying to know without her knowing I know.
 
#34 ·
Your single biggest issue is that you are living separated. Four days out of seven is not enough, and probably isn't really 4 days of actual time together when you think about it when you factor in packing up things and what not. How far of a drive is it between your houses?

I'm going to be blunt too. Why bother getting married in the first place if you knew it was going to be an extended separation like this? Was there a plan for it to end? Was this "for the sake of the kids" and this would end when the youngest turns 18???

Sorry OP, I'm confused and surprised. Pretty clear why you two have issues and I'm shocked you couldn't see this as a disaster in the making by agreeing to this arrangement in the first place.
 
#37 ·
#43 ·
You need to go ahead with the polygraph. As far as I'm concerned it's less about whether it's reliable or not as much as it's about calling her bluff and seeing how she reacts. Will she REALLY go through with it or was she just offering because knows you won't do it? How will she act in the days leading up to it? On the car ride? In the parking lot? During the actual test? etc.

To me the results are almost secondary because as you said they are not reliable. There is someone else here who has a bunch of polygraph info in their sig which makes for a good read about how unreliable they are but I forgot who.

Also you seem a bit ambiguous in regards to how much you trust your wife. You don't really seem to trust her on one hand and say she has a dark side, but on the other you seem to say how trustworthy is she, how she's spoken against cheating, etc. And I don't know many wives who would even contemplate allowing their husband to have a girlfriend unless they were either not interested in their husband sexually or they were getting some action on the side themselves and wanted to "even the score" so to speak to deal with the guilt.

Cheaters will lie lie lie and lie some more. A lot of them seem to compartmentalize too. When they are in that fog, you do not know the person you're with nearly as well as you think you do. I suggest you try looking at your wife as objectively as you possibly can and not how you want to see her, have always seen her, or how you wish she was.

Because she MIGHT not be cheating but you are listing off some serious red flags. She might not even be having an affair, she might just be ****ing or having ONS. The fact that you have seperate living arrangments makes it all the easier for her and still sounds like a problem to me even though you seem okay with it.
 
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#44 ·
WHolly ambiguous, one day I think I am crazy, another day I think her cheating is obvious. I am at the point where I cannot trust my judgement completely, and have come here for altering opinions and experiences.

We have been together 7 years, don't have kids together, she is not 'warm' to my kids, prefers I did not have them, these are large issues, but every relationship has issues.

I am willing to work thru all issues and make relationships work, which is why I am vulnerable to being fooled.

I do need action, given the consensus on this thread, I am bringing the polygraph up again and see where it goes, note the reaction.

Frankly, while I do not want her cheating on me, I would completely forgive it, I more want to know for 'closure'. The trouble is, if she says she is not cheating and is telling the truth, I still cannot believe her given what I know about cheaters lying.
 
#45 ·
Let's say this. Let's say she thought she found circumstantial evidence of YOU cheating on her. I don't know, a new cologne you never wear for her. A monthly getaway you do with an "old buddy" she's never met or something like that. Let's say she confronted you and seem worried, but you are completely innocent and the idea almost makes you laugh. In fact, you joke about it with a smirk. Your wife, however, gets more and more concerned because she has been cheated on before. As a reflex reaction, you offer to take a polygraph test. Okay, two weeks later she schedules an appointment. Now what, oh you didn't mean it? It was just something to say in the moment? No, you'd go through with it. You'd research it and stuff, but you'd go through with it. Because you have nothing to hide.

What you want is for her to get all the way to the lab door without hearing any kind of evasion or confession. Maybe that's test enough for you. I personally would go through with the whole thing but I don't know. Remember, she offered. It's not like you are being pushy by taking her up on it. I know it sounds like a weird thing to do because it's so overt. Your other option is to go covert. Sounds like you are more comfortable with that...
 
#50 ·
Yes, and thank you, this makes sense. She knows how damaged I was by the first WW, in fact she always thought the X was cruel since I am "such a good person" to screw over with impunity. Maybe that is why she offered, and if she has nothing to hide she would do this, since I have 'baggage" as she noted.

I am going to mention it again and see where it goes.
 
#64 · (Edited)
Well, I somewhat jest, I know that having the respect of your wife is important, however I know I am not an Alpha male, we can't all be, but I also know woman of all kinds cheat. Alpha Male Governor Cuomo's wife cheated on him with a tennis playing "dandy", so it is not always so simple.
 
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