Why wont he just admit this??!!
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Why wont he just admit this??!!

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-04-2013, 10:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Why wont he just admit this??!!

Hi,
Im new and am hoping to get some kind of feedback on my situation.....
Ive been married to my husband for 8 yrs...hes 50, im 35, we have ALWAYS had an amazing sex life...so that wasnt an indicator as to whats going on. My husband travels all over the united states for his type of work....the longest he is gone is 3 weeks at a time. I have caught him calling escorts in the past. he will admit the very minimum to get out of the conversation, and either turns it around on me, or will say nothing. This is driving me insane, He has recently been caught when i looked at text messages on his phone, and an escort was asking if she should bring another girl with her for aother $400. His response was maybe some other time...? Nowhes saying he knows what he did was wrong, but he releized this, and didnt let it go any further....
I am so very sick over this. Thats all he will say over and over again. He has been caught before, and his story was, he was lonely, she came to the room, he PAID her, then felt bad and sent her out.
Why does he continue to stick to these weak stories, when its so blantantly clear what hes done? Why not just tell me, so I can have closure with this mess and move on???
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

If by 'moving on' you mean getting a divorce, then that's the reason he is lying. He doesn't want a divorce. This is why most people who cheat lie.
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:14 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

What consequences have you laid down for his actions?
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:17 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kim02 View Post
Why does he continue to stick to these weak stories, when its so blantantly clear what hes done?
Because they seem to be working on you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kim02 View Post
Why not just tell me, so I can have closure with this mess and move on???
Why would he openly want to deal with the consequences of
his actions if you don't force him to? That would mean he'd have
to put an end to it. What he does, works. So he does it.

Hold him accountable for his actions.
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Old 02-04-2013, 10:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

Cheaters always admit the minimum they have to. It helps them to convince the betrayed spouse that it wasn't that bad and won't happen again, and that way the cheater can continue cheating and still stay married.

I never understood the paying for an escort thing. A lot of guys do it. Maybe sex is like their hobby. Some people like to play tennis, when they're on the road, they try to find someone else to play tennis with. He likes to have sex, when he's on the road, he likes to find someone else to have sex with. I doubt that's the reason.

My guess is that if he never went on the road, that he would start hiring escorts every so often while he was at home. My guess is that it's closer to an addiction or a fetish.

Maybe someone who hires escorts can post here and tell you why they like to do it.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

why does he have to admit what you already know.

what are you prepared to do, if anything.
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Old 02-05-2013, 06:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

I know that people can only treat you the way you allow them to, and I know by letting it go in the past gave him the green light on doing it again....I get that. What Im trying to do is get him to admit, he is wrong , so we can see if its possible to work out... I guess i just want to be told the truth. What of the odds of a cheater feeling bad enough to come clean??
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

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I know that people can only treat you the way you allow them to, and I know by letting it go in the past gave him the green light on doing it again....I get that. What Im trying to do is get him to admit, he is wrong , so we can see if its possible to work out... I guess i just want to be told the truth. What of the odds of a cheater feeling bad enough to come clean??
He's not going to tell you anything as long as you keep letting him do what he's doing with no consequences laid down by you. Why would he come clean when what he's been doing has been working so well for him?? What reason is there for him to? So you won't be frustrated?? He obviously doesn't care how you feel.

He knows all he has to do is "admit the very minimum to get out of the conversation, and either turns it around on me, or will say nothing" and you won't do anything and he's free to keep up his behavior.

If you can prove what he's doing I'm not sure why you need him to admit it. Say he does admit it. Then what exactly? Do you think he's going to stop? Will it solve any of your marital issues? Etc? I can tell you it won't make you feel any better.

I'd recommend you stop worrying about getting him to admit this or that and start focusing on what you intend to do to either get him to stop his behavior (and an admission by him isn't going to do it) or consider seperating for a time to show him his actions have consequences.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:03 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

Slim to none. Read through the dozens of threads where betrayed spouses have been lied to, repeated gas lighted to the point some think they are going nuts. If they cheat, they will lie.
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Old 02-05-2013, 08:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

You can't change people that don't want to change themselves
and it's as simple as that.

Threats mean nothing. Back up your words with ACTION.
If not, be prepared to live with a serial cheater for the rest of your life.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

If he decided to admit he'd had to face you, your complains. He doesn't want to be bothered with "nosense". He doesn't want to be accountable, he's a cake eater, that's how "things" work fine for him therefore the old adage; deny, deny, deny.
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Old 02-05-2013, 12:57 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

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Originally Posted by kim02 View Post
I know that people can only treat you the way you allow them to, and I know by letting it go in the past gave him the green light on doing it again....I get that. What Im trying to do is get him to admit, he is wrong , so we can see if its possible to work out... I guess i just want to be told the truth. What of the odds of a cheater feeling bad enough to come clean??
There are cheaters, who in are selfish by nature, maybe had too much to drink, had poor boundaries to begin with, had a spouse who didn't protect the marriage and ultimately who didn't think enough of their marriage where they cheat ONCE, realize it was a huge mistake and admit to what they did.

That's 0.0000001% of all affairs. Your husband isn't one of these. Most cheaters can't handle consequences. So they lie and lie and lie, even when faced with 100% proof. And when the proof is TOO much to refute, then comes the blameshifting, cake eating, projection and rug sweeping. Cheaters are similar to a sociopath. They see themselves above their surroundings and environment. If they removed themselves from the situation, they'd tell you infidelity is wrong, but those "societal" rules don't actually get applied to them in their mind. They are able to remove themselves from that state of perception. This is your husband.

He was LONELY?!?! So go down to the bar and strike up a conversation with some other patrons. No he had a desire and he was going to satisfy that desire. You weren't more important that satisfying that desire. Your marriage wasn't more important. That urge, at that moment, was the most important thing in his mind.

There are two types of cheaters who don't deserve R. Serial cheaters and people who hire prostitutes.
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Old 02-05-2013, 01:27 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

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If he decided to admit he'd had to face you, your complains. He doesn't want to be bothered with "nosense". He doesn't want to be accountable, he's a cake eater, that's how "things" work fine for him therefore the old adage; deny, deny, deny.
Exactly. If you've let him get away with it, then when you 'start up again,' you're just a nag to him. He denies to get you to shut up & then he continues what he's doing. Win win for him. He knows the truth will upset this cake-eating lifestyle he has.

You have to play hardball if you want things to change, in my opinion.
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Old 02-05-2013, 02:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

Or you could just be o.k. with him doing this and go about your life. I mean thats almost what it sounds like. why have you put up with this? You say over and over. How many times has it been? I guess not enough to make you take action. Sorry to be so blunt, but if you have proof in hand then excuses dont cut it. Just tell him that you believe in your heart that he is cheating on you and you will not tolerate it anymore, therefore one of us must go and I think it should be you. Then watch his tune change when he knows you are serious. Its time for you to be selfish,a good selfish, protect yourself and love yourself, it sounds like he is not doing that for you, or himself.
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Old 02-05-2013, 02:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Why wont he just admit this??!!

Okay...so he travels all over the U.S. for work. What do you do for work?

This idea that he's going to come clean to clear his conscience is pretty much a load of bull. A cheater ain't gonna come clean, even when caught. It's just in their nature. As someone said, they'll tell you the bare minimum thinking that they are somehow shielding you.

He needs consequences.
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