Not sure how to feel...
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Not sure how to feel...

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-08-2013, 01:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Not sure how to feel...

My husband and I have been together for just over 11 years. We were together for 7 of those years before we got married. In those 7 years there were a lot of things that happened in our relationship. A lot of online chat sites where flirting and pictures would be exchanged, strippers & lap dances, etc etc....all done by my husband. 3 months into our relationship I had a one night encounter with someone also...but felt incredibly horrible and haven't done anything since then.

I was in a horrible place back then self esteem wise, so I just stayed with him and put up with it. He'd tell me he wouldn't do it anymore (yadda yadda, same old story) and he would.

Anyways, fast forward to now.

I had found him in contact with someone who messaged him on facebook about a 3sum...in the emails he sounded like he was considering, but in the end told her no that he couldn't do that and he couldn't hurt me or his children (we have 2).

We ended up talking about it. It was the first time in years that we were actually talking and being open. We had closed so many doors in our relationship due to being hurt and always had our backs up. I ended up asking him if there was anything...anything at all that he has never told me about....and that's when even more came out.

He told me there was 3 more instances...
1) he went to a rub & tug place
2) he gave a stripper a ride home
3) he paid $400 for an escort/hooker

This all happened just over 7 years ago and it's just coming to light now. I really don't know how to feel...I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel disgusted that he did that and then came home and was still sleeping with me...I don't want to end our marriage based on that it happened 7 years ago and we have 2 children now.

I'm just really down and depressed about everything. I've spent the past 2 days having crying outbursts just thinking about it....I also don't want to let this run my life or our future.

When I talked with my husband last night...everything was really open and it felt really good to come to that place. I feel good about things going forward...I just need to find a way to deal with the past....
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Old 02-08-2013, 02:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

Wow. Are you SURE he isn't still doing this? And why is he telling you?

Please have a look at the links in my signature. This type of behaviour can be indicative of sex addiction.
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Old 02-08-2013, 02:31 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

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Originally Posted by girlsaveyoursoul View Post
My husband and I have been together for just over 11 years. We were together for 7 of those years before we got married. In those 7 years there were a lot of things that happened in our relationship. A lot of online chat sites where flirting and pictures would be exchanged, strippers & lap dances, etc etc....all done by my husband. 3 months into our relationship I had a one night encounter with someone also...but felt incredibly horrible and haven't done anything since then.

I was in a horrible place back then self esteem wise, so I just stayed with him and put up with it. He'd tell me he wouldn't do it anymore (yadda yadda, same old story) and he would.

Anyways, fast forward to now.

I had found him in contact with someone who messaged him on facebook about a 3sum...in the emails he sounded like he was considering, but in the end told her no that he couldn't do that and he couldn't hurt me or his children (we have 2).

We ended up talking about it. It was the first time in years that we were actually talking and being open. We had closed so many doors in our relationship due to being hurt and always had our backs up. I ended up asking him if there was anything...anything at all that he has never told me about....and that's when even more came out.

He told me there was 3 more instances...
1) he went to a rub & tug place
2) he gave a stripper a ride home
3) he paid $400 for an escort/hooker

This all happened just over 7 years ago and it's just coming to light now. I really don't know how to feel...I feel hurt and betrayed. I feel disgusted that he did that and then came home and was still sleeping with me...I don't want to end our marriage based on that it happened 7 years ago and we have 2 children now.

I'm just really down and depressed about everything. I've spent the past 2 days having crying outbursts just thinking about it....I also don't want to let this run my life or our future.

When I talked with my husband last night...everything was really open and it felt really good to come to that place. I feel good about things going forward...I just need to find a way to deal with the past....
This happened 4 years into your relationship but before you got married?
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Old 02-08-2013, 02:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

You are in shock and a little denial - and that's ok, you have to go through the stages of grief, maybe for a long time, before you can heal from all this new news. It is up to you to decide if you really believe this is all or if you want to know everything. I know of people who do both: want it all, or just don't want anymore information - they just want to know who their spouse is now - not who the spouse used to be. But, rarely, does it just stop at one - you know? Unless they just didn't like it. And to give a stripper a ride home? How did she get to her "job" in the first place? And strippers do anything for money, like regular prostitutes, except they are in "legal" establishments...Your H already has shown he likes sex workers...I doubt it was just a ride in the car, probably another type of ride. It could be trickle truth and that may be fine for you, maybe it's best you don't know everything, if it will hurt you too much, however I would suggest he get counseling if you feel he has done more or hasn't quit. It almost seems, to me, that he is testing you out...like he is thinking, I'll tell her a little variety..only one of each, see how she handles it.
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Old 02-08-2013, 02:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

Yes, we got together in 2001 and all of this stuff happened before 2006. We were married in 2008. There have been no issues since then until the latest FB message (and viewing porn multiple times a week).

His schedule is pretty routine and he is always here when I expect him. He's never been late. We both work at the same place so we go to and from work together.

A lot of the stuff happened when he was drinking quite heavily in the past...and he only drinks 1-2 times a year now and it's usually when I'm present. He gave all that stuff up when he really wanted to try and repair our relationship in 2006.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

I guess I just feel rather disgusting myself...I just feel so gross knowing that my husband had sex with me after being with an escort. I'm more pissed off at the fact that he never told me at the time it happened so that I could make a decision to leave...and I would have. A hooker is completely repulsive to me. But now that it's been 7 years later and have brought 2 innocent kids into the mix, I don't want to destroy my family.

My husband has been a pretty open book to me the last few years (except for the porn watching). I have his email and facebook passwords so that I can see everything. I also have a keylogger on the computer.

He seems genuinely sorry for what he did. I've been an emotional wreck the last 2 days and the guilt on his face and him offering up anything to do to help me seems real. He was never like this when all the crap actually took place. He has apologized about 5 times alone today saying how sorry he is that he hurt me.

He told me that when he thought about things that he could't go through with the 3sum because he didn't want to hurt his children or me...that's why he said no. He told me that he would completely understand if I make the decision to leave him..

I just can't get rid of the sick to my stomach feeling over the whole thing..especially with the fact that he slept with me right after sleeping with a dirty hooker.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

How did he handle the ONS you had?
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

The confession of his cheating 7 years ago takes the heat off of the threesome thing, which is not in the past and has actually happened within the bounds of your marriage. Focus on that for now. How did that exchange happen? With whom? I doubt if it just occurred out of thin air. Try to find out if it's the tip of the iceberg.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

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The confession of his cheating 7 years ago takes the heat off of the threesome thing, which is not in the past and has actually happened within the bounds of your marriage. Focus on that for now. How did that exchange happen? With whom? I doubt if it just occurred out of thin air. Try to find out if it's the tip of the iceberg.
True ... but she also found the message where he declined ... and for the right reasons. I doubt if he declined a 3some because it would hurt his wife but he went through with a regular PA. I would definitely find the source and completely end that connection. Whoever it is, is not healthy for him to have contact with. Sounds like there are unresolved issues in that he didn't set up enough boundaries and did go through the thought process of considering it.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:34 PM   #10 (permalink)
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How did he handle the ONS you had?
He forgave me the day I told him and he never brought it back up in my face.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

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True ... but she also found the message where he declined ... and for the right reasons. I doubt if he declined a 3some because it would hurt his wife but he went through with a regular PA.
If he turned it down on his own, before he knew that his W saw the messages, I agree that it argues against a propensity for a PA, but he is getting messages about threesomes. This stuff doesn't just descend out of the blue. There has to be some groundwork laid somewhere, in my opinion. Just shutting down the connection doesn't get to the bottom of it, I don't think.
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Old 02-08-2013, 07:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

It hurts weather it happened years ago or yesterday I would think the healing process would be the same. Sounds like he has some REAL issues that need confronted and worked on. There have been no issues you know of since 2008 ??? till his 3some chat ,how can you confirm this?? How can he prove it?? I certainly would demand full transparency on all his electronics. Hope you find the answers you need to close this chapter.
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Old 02-08-2013, 09:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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With the way my insecurity has been it would be pretty hard to be away from me for any length of time without me being suspicious, that's why I don't feel like there's anymore. The only times I am away from him is when I go to the gym or out to get groceries etc...and in that case he has our 2 daughters with him. We both work at the same company in the same department and we know a lot of the same people, so if something were happening there I'm pretty sure I'd hear about it?

We share a cell phone and it's only pay as you go, used for emergencies only. As I stated earlier, I already have all his online passwords for email, facebook, his bank acc'ts etc...

He's offered to take a lie detector test for me but I'm not sure how to go about getting one. I told him I thought they were expensive, to which he replied that it would be worth it if it would make me believe him.

I'm positive that things can be worked out, it will just take time for me to grieve this. He lost his license right before the hooker (for drunk driving) and he has said that waking up knowing he had been with the hooker made him absolutely disgusted and realized he had hit rock bottom...that's when I noticed a change in him. He stopped drinking, we both started a gym together and lost a lot of weight, we went to individual and couples councelling. Things were better for the most part. I had an issue with him viewing porn because of my insecurity issues...and he had said he would stop that, but hasn't. I'm okay with the porn now though.

When I go back to look at the original message sent by the 3sum girl, it went something like this:

"Hey, noticed you're from _______ too and my friend and I are looking for a guy to try a "pyramid" encounter with, would you be interested"

to which he replied "No, if you looked at my profile you would see that I am married"

then she said something like "Oh, I can't see that due to your privacy settings."

Then my husband starts asking why she hooks up with random strangers she doesn't even know and has she done this before and yadda yadda...tells her he's at a low point in his life (we have been pretty irritable with each other lately) and that he'd have to think about it.....he later sends her an email saying no, that he doesn't want to destroy his family.

The hardest part I'm dealing with is how dirty and gross I feel that he slept with me probably days after being with the hooker...I just feel really nasty.
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Old 02-08-2013, 11:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

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Originally Posted by girlsaveyoursoul View Post
He forgave me the day I told him and he never brought it back up in my face.
Good strategy. Try it, see if it works.
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Old 02-09-2013, 06:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure how to feel...

It seems like you are handling this well. I think there is no further discussion needed. I'm really not kidding here or making fun. If all you feel is nasty - then work on that. There is nothing here - NOTHING - than can change a feeling of nasty, in my humble opinion. Sometimes we tend to get things going on here, so really, if you are fine, you trust him, you are just feeling nasty...work out more, play with your kids, go out to dinner more, go on more dates, make sure he stops internet play -oops, you are fine with the porn...then maybe just make sure he is off any social sites - they really are stupid for married folks, I think, but that's just me. So if it really is about feeling nasty - that's REALLY GOOD! That's all it is - feeling nasty. I'm jealous!
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