Hope I am wrong
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-09-2013, 04:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Hope I am wrong

I am new to this site and new to forum/chat all together.
I am concerned that my husband may be cheating or having an emotional affair.
We had problems two years ago. He told me one day that he started saying, "I love you" to a female coworker. I am not sure why he told me this. They had been friends for many years, long before he knew me but had not ever said I love you to each other. He himself told me this was something new for them. I got very upset and this made him very angry. He kept saying, "All I did was tell my best friend that I love her!". They often spoke outside of work. She also spoke with me outside of work but after the "I love you", I was bothered by their relationship outside of work. It sent us to counseling and I suppose that helped. We got passed it.
Now he has started calling/texting another woman. She is also a coworker. They are having issues at work (with the first woman) and want to venture out on their own with a new business. Last month, the calls became fairly frequent. He left the room every time she called. I told him that I did not appreciate the frequency of calls and ask that he stay in the room if she did call. The next time he did stay in the room and it did appear that it was all business related.
Then the calls to the house stopped. I thought that was odd so I started checking his cell phone. Her number appeared very frequently. There were also some text messages - none that would imply an affair. I then out of anger and insecurity, asked him about his relationship with this woman. He was slightly annoyed but reassured me that nothing was going on - he loves me.
My inquiry into the relationship must have clued him in that I was snooping. He started deleting cell phone info. However, he would sometimes forget the out box so I knew they were still communicating outside of work. I stopped mentioning my concerns and he has become more careless with his cell phone. They talk all the time. He is with her for almost ten hours four days a week. Why can't they settle business during those hours? It appears that every time he leaves the house, he calls her or she calls him. He left the other day for what should have been a quick appointment. It took him four hours. When I asked what took him so long, he said he had to pick up a few things. I did ask if he had contact with her during that time and he said no. When I checked his cell, I knew he lied. He called her almost as soon as he was pulling out of the drive way. There were five calls back and forth. They were short, the longest being eight minutes.
This is my second marriage and I still have one child at home. He has been very good to my children and they care for him very much. I do not want to break up the family. There is more than myself to consider.
Do I have cause for concern? Is he lying and hiding calls because I have shown jealousy and he just does not want to deal with it? Do I continue to snoop?
I am having trouble sleeping. I can barely look him in the eye much less have any intimacy. I am sure it is obvious to him that I am not the same and something is wrong. I try to be loving because I know that I could be wrong. I do not want the marriage to end due to foolish, unfounded jealousy. On the other hand, I do not want to be with someone is sneaks around and lies either.
Any advice/thoughts will be very appreciated. I have nowhere else to turn.
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hope I am wrong

Slainte,

Go into a stealth mode, at once. Your Husband seems to be cheating. You should do more ground work, collect evidences before any type of confrontation.

Take care,
AU
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:42 AM   #3 (permalink)
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You know that they talk on the phone while he's driving. Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and some heavy duty velcro strips with adhesive on the back. Use the velcro to secure the VAR to a hidden surface in his car. A good place is to put it under the front seat, attached to the bottom of the seat.

This way you can capter his side of the conversations they have in the car. Or if he is going places with her you can get their in-car conversations.

Look up your state laws for recording conversations. You will want to be careful in not telling him where you got your info. Copy any recordings to a computer, CD, or some kind of storage device and keep them somewhere safe... not in your house.
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hope I am wrong

Your jealousy is not unfounded.

We love our friends, but we don't say "I love you" to each other. It's not our custom. Maybe it should be. But it's not. So it is an unsual thing, and I think most of us who heard our spouses telling a "best friend" of the opposite sex (hey, I thought I was that) "I love you," would think something funny might be going on.

The frequent calls outside of work hours, calling as soon as they leave the house, is a huge red flag. It's a sign of cheating.

If you want to find out the truth of what's going on, buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put the voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car. You will find out what his relationship is with the co-worker, probably within a day, but almost definitely within a week. And if he's not having a romantic relationship, if he's calling to talk nothing but business with her (unlikely if they are at work 10 hours a day four days a week), then it will ease your mind and you will be able to trust him again.
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Where do I get a VAR? What if he finds it? Have you both (Will and elgirl) used this device? Weren't you scared?
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Old 02-09-2013, 04:54 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You can buy them at places like WalMart and Best Buy.

I used one in the past but not in a car. I kept it on my person to prove that was not fabricating stories of abuse from my husband.

I got the idea orginally from one of my sisters. She said that it looked like someone was using their bed when she was at work. She makes the bed every morning before going out and it was often not made back the way she did it. So she put a VAR under the bed. And sure enough she caught her husband and an ex-girlfriend having sex in their bed.

The reason for the velcro is so that it goes not slip out when he puts on the breaks, etc. You won't need to use it much.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:03 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You can buy them at places like WalMart and Best Buy.

I used one in the past but not in a car. I kept it on my person to prove that was not fabricating stories of abuse from my husband.

I got the idea orginally from one of my sisters. She said that it looked like someone was using their bed when she was at work. She makes the bed every morning before going out and it was often not made back the way she did it. So she put a VAR under the bed. And sure enough she caught her husband and an ex-girlfriend having sex in their bed.

The reason for the velcro is so that it goes not slip out when he puts on the breaks, etc. You won't need to use it much.
Glad to know you escaped the abuse. That could not have been easy.
Your poor sister. Did she leave right away?
I think I am almost afraid to know the truth. Stupid, I know. I really do want to be wrong.
I was actually hoping to hear that I was being ridiculously jealous.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:23 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Glad to know you escaped the abuse. That could not have been easy.

Your poor sister. Did she leave right away?

I think I am almost afraid to know the truth. Stupid, I know. I really do want to be wrong.

I was actually hoping to hear that I was being ridiculously jealous.
Yea she left pretty soon after that.

I know you want to be wrong. I think we all do. Often snooping can be a way to verify that you are wrong.

Is there a room in the house where he goes to speak privately on the phone? Maybe you could hide the VAR in that room. Then leave the house for a bit and see if he talks to her.
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Old 02-09-2013, 05:36 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Is there a room in the house where he goes to speak privately on the phone? Maybe you could hide the VAR in that room. Then leave the house for a bit and see if he talks to her.
I might feel safer starting in the house. I fear if I put it in his vehicle, he will find it. He keeps the vehicle spotless. Is it unusual for me to be this "chicken" about using a VAR? If he catches me and I am wrong about this OW, I have ruined the relationship.
I appreciate your help.
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Old 02-09-2013, 08:59 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hope I am wrong

Ask yourself , is your husband usually a talker? For hours and hours straight ?

He is putting enormous amounts of energy and time into this woman, so it's at least an EA if not a PA.

He will feel safest in his car talking to her, that's where you need the VAR. under the seat or under the dash, tucked up inside. Use Velcro tape with the adhesive back, attack one side to the VAR and the other side to where you are putting it.

A hard or smooth surface works well. The underside of the seat often as hard plastic and you can attach it on the inside out of sight.

Some people buy two vars so you can swap them in and out. That let's you have one in the car while you listen to the other. It lets you spend less time going in and out of the car.
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:01 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks LaineB. I feel so stupid for not wanting to know. Most people that know me would consider me a strong person who would not put up with something like this but I am afraid to even take the steps to find out for sure. I feel weak and stupid.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has felt this way.
This site helps a lot. I am going today to look for a VAR. I need to know.
Good luck with your R. It must be tough but you must also believe he is worth it.
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Old 02-10-2013, 04:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Old 02-10-2013, 04:48 PM   #13 (permalink)
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When you get this evidence, expose the A to everyone. If the OW has a husband, tell him immediately. Tell your families and friends. That is usually the only way to bring the A to a screeching stop. Only then will you have a chance to reconcile - if that's what you want to do. That's where I am right now (our 2nd R - hopefully it's not another false R . . . ). This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I'm not sure I'm going to make it.


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Old 02-10-2013, 05:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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One of the biggest red flags that stood out was the fact that when he talks to her on the phone he leaves the room. You only do that if you want to discuss something in private.

Does your husband have an iPhone? If so, you can track where his phone is via the Find My iPhone app.

Always remember to follow your gut! If you felt his relationship with this woman was just friendly then you wouldn't be feeling this way.
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Old 02-10-2013, 06:19 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hope I am wrong

Thank God His Lordship is back with his images! His pictures are always worth 1,000 words!

And OP your husband is cheating on you in an EA or a PA. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
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