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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-10-2013, 03:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Advice Wanted

Hi All,

I am new to the forum and have joined trying to seek some advice in something I beleive is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and also I just need to tell someone as it is burning and cutting me up on the inside.

Quick back ground, I am 33 yo male in a relationship or 6 years with 37 yo female. Living with us we have partners two children from previous (aged 9 and 8) and our 2 year old son. We also have my 3 other children from previous relationship stay at different times as well.

Problem I have and I know this is something that I have created is that I cheated just before New Year, only once and I regretted it as soon as it happened. It's hurt me but not as much as it will hurt her. Since it happened we have only had sex once and that's because I have kept my distance. This is because I believe I may have picked something up from my episode of cheating. Some slight symptons, but enough that have made me go and get tested and I am waiting the results.

My dilema is that I am struggling with how I am going to tell my partner about the issue if I come back as testing positive with something (it was unprotected sex when I cheated so stupid!), I am even with the dilema in my head even if they are negative that I should tell her so that I can protect her totally (I know to protect her totally I should not have done what I have done and that has totally ripped me apart).

I we had not had sex since the episode it would be a case of I have learnt my lesson with the guilt I have felt since that I would never do anything like this again, it may sound cliche but it is totally true.

Over the last few weeks, she has been planning so much for the uture trying to work out how we are going to afford moving to a larger house as the little one gets bigger, and it has been breaking my heart listening knowing that she may decide very soon there may not be a future for us.

I know that this totally of my creating and that what ever happens I deserve the outcome, but I really do want us to try and put it behind us and to move forward and try and work the problem out, although I think from conversations that we have had the outcome will be instant in her head and it won't be a good one. I am preparing myself for that being the outcome although it is not what I want.

I am really struggling to work out how to tell her, I want to do it face to face and not hide behind technology, but want to do it in a way that I have a chance to try and salvage something from the relationship for us and for the children. I know I have been stupid I know it is the greatest of sins, and will be seen that way to her. I am distraught (my own fault I know) with anguish trying to work it all out, and know the time of saying something is getting closer and am unsure how I will do it...

Can anyone offer any advice at all, on how I can go about this...
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:37 AM   #2 (permalink)
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When will you be finding out your test results?
Who was the girl you cheated with?
Has your wife not realised that you've been putting off sex for the last month and a half?

You need to tell her.
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Old 02-10-2013, 03:41 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ubercoolpanda View Post
When will you be finding out your test results?
Who was the girl you cheated with?
Has your wife not realised that you've been putting off sex for the last month and a half?

You need to tell her.
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Within the next I should have the test results, I was tested a week ago today they told me it would be within two weeks...
Girl was a one off I met on an internet site, it wouldn't happen again.
Sex has been sporadic recently anyway because we have the toddler still in with us, and once every 2-3 weeks was average for us recently.

I know I need to tell her I am just so frightened of what the outcome will be, I scared that through this once mistake I could of ruined everyones lifes.....it is this guilt that is building up inside that makes me know that I would never do it again, but I think that won't be enough for her.
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Old 02-10-2013, 04:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice Wanted

I suggest that you do some reading on how to recover from infidelty so that you can help your wife heal from the infidelity.

Hopefully you have not given your wife any thing. If your test is positive you will have to tell her because she will need to be tested and probably treated as well. I hope that the STD is one that can be treated if you did get one.
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Old 02-10-2013, 05:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I am praying that the tests come back negative, but just have this niggling doubt - that may seem like a get of jail card but I have truly learnt my lesson with the thoughts how much I could loose.
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Old 02-10-2013, 06:03 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I am praying that the tests come back negative, but just have this niggling doubt - that may seem like a get of jail card but I have truly learnt my lesson with the thoughts how much I could loose.
If it comes back negative, will you still tell her?

One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell my wife, and I stopped short of sex mere moments before I did the -unprotected- deed with my AP.

We will be here for you and for her.

Why did her first marriage fail? Please don't tell me he cheated on her?
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Old 02-10-2013, 06:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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If it comes back negative, will you still tell her?
I know I should, but almost feel that it will be lesson learnt and that it is a case of take task of what you have learnt in your own head and learn from it. Although I know it is only online I know some tests can give a wrong result. So to protect her totally I have to tell her, so have kind of already made that descision I think.

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Why did her first marriage fail? Please don't tell me he heated on her?
You guessed it! From conversations we have had it seems throughout her long term relationships she has always been left for someone else, and that now is chewing me up so much. I always promised I wouldn't ever hurt her like that, but then a rush of stupidy I have gone and done it. I just hope the fact that I want to fight to save something is my grace and I may talk her round.

But I have kind of already started planning what I need for a new house by myself, as if I already know what she will say.

I'm sad, and I am sad with myself no cross with myself for what I have done.

What ever happens it will take me as long to forgive myself as it will (if she can at all) for her to forgive me...again very cliched sounding but very true!

EDIT: My first didn't end because of cheating but just that we grew apart after getting together very young.

Last edited by Reformation; 02-10-2013 at 06:27 AM.
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I almost said last weekend but she seemed so happy and I couldn't burst the bubble (selfish I know because I just wanted the happy moment to last for as long as possible)...

I made the desciison Monday to wait until my test results came through till saying something, I know putting off the inveitable, have been fine during the week.

But am at my parents visitinig my children from preivous this weekend and it's hit me again what I have done and what distruction it could cause.

I just know I have to say something and it is going to affect so many people and it is going to be so hurtful to everyone ...... so I have to think and ask myself ....why...am I so stupid for getting here in the first place...

(I have been running this over and over in my head without an outlet for weeks it has been good to get just part o what I have been thinking out. I know it's my fault and I am the guilty party, but it still feels so raw in pain as if I am on the other end, if this is what I feel in guilt, I am so sad for what she is going to feel in pain)
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
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So what you haven't mentioned at all in here is why did you cheat? Why did you decide to make those steps that connected you to some woman off a website? What's going to stop you from doing it again in 6 months?

C
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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So what you haven't mentioned at all in here is why did you cheat? Why did you decide to make those steps that connected you to some woman off a website? What's going to stop you from doing it again in 6 months?

C
The thought of the thrill of something different, something new.

I went onto the website at first just for a nosey, I sleep funny, and I just went to look when I couldn't sleep, and then I messaged someone and then I knew I should of stopped but I was caught in the trap and was not strong enough to stop myself and then it went from there and before I knew it had happeend.

I know it sounds very weak and I know how it looks, and I just wished I could go back and change it I really do, I think about it constantly and am continually beating mysel for how stupid and foolish I have been.

The way I have beat myslef up over the last few weeks I have learnt my lesson, I could never get to this point again, I would never want to go down to have the possibility to cause so much hurt again. 6 months forget it no way 5 years never, 10 years no... I know where I want to be, I don't want anything else, it has made me realise how much I love her and the children and want to be part of the plans for the future, it has been breaking my heart so much listening to her plan over the last few weeks and knowing I could rip the rug from under her and destroy anything. I would do anything in my power to make sure that rug would stay firmly in place if I was given just that one more chance. I just don't think she is going to allow it
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I know I should, but almost feel that it will be lesson learnt and that it is a case of take task of what you have learnt in your own head and learn from it. Although I know it is only online I know some tests can give a wrong result. So to protect her totally I have to tell her, so have kind of already made that descision I think.



You guessed it! From conversations we have had it seems throughout her long term relationships she has always been left for someone else, and that now is chewing me up so much. I always promised I wouldn't ever hurt her like that, but then a rush of stupidy I have gone and done it. I just hope the fact that I want to fight to save something is my grace and I may talk her round.

But I have kind of already started planning what I need for a new house by myself, as if I already know what she will say.

I'm sad, and I am sad with myself no cross with myself for what I have done.

What ever happens it will take me as long to forgive myself as it will (if she can at all) for her to forgive me...again very cliched sounding but very true!

EDIT: My first didn't end because of cheating but just that we grew apart after getting together very young.
Oh, sweet Lord. Now I feel sick.
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Old 02-10-2013, 07:44 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Oh, sweet Lord. Now I feel sick.
No chance have i
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:42 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Its been almost a month and a half since you f*cked another woman without worrying about your vows, your partners safety and sanity, or the impact your amazingly stupid careless act would have on her life. You premeditated your infidelity, you didn't just trip and end up slipping inside your affair partner, you signed up for a dating/whoring/whatever site, sought out an affair partner, and made arrangements to have sex (spending a min or two arranging a condom wouldn't have been a herculean effort). So why don't you stop trying to sugar coat the whole thing and take some responsibility for your actions.

Every day that passes without you saying anything to your partner is another betrayal. You are stealing her choice to leave/stay/whatever and in my eyes are making the situation worse.

Tell her as soon as she wakes up. Own up to it, don't make excuses or justifications. Tell her she needs to go get tested, and that you are waiting on results. If she takes it hard, make sure you have arrangements to have your kids looked after so you can be there for her if she needs or wants you.

Don't say stuff like "I was trapped and couldn't stop" that's a bunch of crap, no one was holding a gun to your head. Maybe arrange for some individual counseling for yourself to try and figure out why you acted the way that you did.

Don't lie about anything, don't withhold anything to try and "protect" her. She needs the whole unfiltered truth. If anything new comes up later, it will hurt her worse.

Try and be a man, own what you did, accept what happens, and do your best to help her heal.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:45 AM   #14 (permalink)
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So by saying nothing and holding out I am just making this harder. If it is a case that there can be no reconciliation then it would be better I said something sooner. If anyrhung alone just to stop me going mad. I know Valentines is only on Thursday and that is bearing on my mind but I have to say something .

Tomorrow evening when children are in bed is my best oppurtunity. Get everything done all chores done and sit her down and talk. I have been going over what I would say exactly for days, I dont think it matters to much but here is what I have in my head it mau help me just writing it to

'I have done something really stupid and have been trying to think how to fix it. But the only way I can think that I stand any chance of fixing it is going to break yoyr heart and mine in the process to.

I've cheated, i am sorry - I have been to get tested to be safe and think you should do the same to just to make sure and I just want to protect you.

It has been breaking my heart listening to you plan everything and knowong that you may now not decide that future. But i want to tall and try and save that future and work something so that we can try and salvage something from this stupid mess I have created'

Thats what I have in my head at the moment with just over 24 hoirs left before I am planning on talking to her.

Would it be wrobg also no matter what happens to buy a Valentones gift, my head is screwed right now
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:49 AM   #15 (permalink)
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@paladin - I understand all this of my own creation and the mess is my fault. I undrrstand I have to tell her and this it is going to cause much more hurt and heartache for a lot of people.

What I am stuggling with is working out what ro say and how to say itvand tjay is what I trying to work out.
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