How do I cope with my responsibility in what happened? - Talk About Marriage
Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

User Tag List

LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 02-10-2013, 05:45 AM Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Germany
Posts: 32
How do I cope with my responsibility in what happened?

This will probably be long so thank you to anyone who makes it through.

First, my estranged husband does not blame me for his actions. He knows he's wrong and admits it. I don't take responsibility for his actions because I don't control those.

Here goes.

When we met 10 1/2 years ago I was a strong person for the most part. I was in the middle of severe financial devastation (didn't even have enough money to file bankruptcy), but I was holding it together ok. I have emotional and mental problems that stem from childhood. I did try therapy in the past and my parents had sent me to a psychiatrist when I was in HS, but nothing helped. As I got older, I just started functioning ok, but I stayed single and alone other than casual dating. I didn't meet my husband until I was 33 and we were together constantly from the day we met other than when he traveled for work. However, he also had serious financial problems and he also was/is an alcoholic which I didn't realize in the beginning.

I moved to be with him at his invitation a little less than 3 months after we met. We were living in one of, if not the most expensive city in the US (stateside). The struggles were hard from the beginning. His drinking, our lack of money (which I ran out of my own in less than a week after moving because grocery prices were so high...I never went clothes shopping or anything and barely have in the whole time we've been together). Our whole life together we've lived basically hand to mouth. That alone is stressful enough. We had some rocky times, but we always made it through. I'm leaving out stuff to keep this shorter. But we did always want to be together.

About 6 years ago we moved to his native country. We had an extremely traumatic experience from the get go because our cat who we loved so much died within the first week of getting here. We were staying at his parents'. His mother has mental issues and went from loving me to hating me. Things like that. I was drinking by then, but only a few beers a day. We moved to a city in Germany and I fell apart quickly. All the mental and emotional stuff just blew up and the drinking didn't help. He was watching me go down in flames. And apparently (he hasn't admitted this, but doesn't deny it so these are my words) instead of seeing someone who he loved going down in flames who needed help, he just thought I suck.

The person he is having his relationship with came into his life when we got here. They work together, not in a typical office or any typical environment. This person I won't even go in to what they've done, but it's horrible. They knew I trusted them and they knew I was terrified of my husband's drinking and my own and our relationship, etc. She went ahead and forged a relationship with him anyway that had already been going on 2 or 3 years before I found out. I have no idea which. He is less attracted to her physically than to me, but as a person he is more attracted to her.

Thanks to my mental, health, financial and isolation in a foreign country problems, he became my whole life. He told me the last night he was here that is very unattractive. I know that I let myself down by getting so bad, but at the time, I never saw any other way out. I knew I wasn't ok, but I was unable to even reach out for help.

As soon as I found out about what was going on with them, I lost it worse than ever. Then he and I got back together a couple times, but these two have a lot of business together that also requires travel and he and I never got the chance to just be alone. However, I came so far on my own with no help at all with a lot of my mental issues (ocd type things that were very hard to live with). I managed to control my emotions sometimes. And I haven't drank often. We got back together a few months ago. He stayed with me exclusively. We connected in ways that before seemed impossible. But I still had worries because I knew those two work together. So I didn't 100% ever relax.

During the move the stress made me very upset and I had a couple times that I got angry or difficult, but he actually did the same. We got moved in and then I thought we were ok. Little did I know, we were not. He told me that a week after we were here is when he first started to think about leaving.

I've left quite a lot out, but anyway.....I know that if I had gotten help sooner a lot of this might not have happened. He still says he thinks he wants to get back together someday. He wants me to be the way I used to be (although he sometimes says things that sound like he did have issues years ago, but I can't be sure because he says that when he's mad).

He is the only relationship I've ever had. In spite of everything that has happened, I love him. I didn't make him do what he did, but I'm having a hard time coping with the fact that because of my behavior I drove him away. And yes, sometimes it (the behavior) has been extreme - on his end too. He said that because of my intense emotions that's why he didn't tell me years ago when the affair first started. He was afraid of my reaction.

And I'm all alone. And sad. And I just feel steamrolled. I'm trying to find a doctor, but it would take years to fix me. And I'm almost too tired to try.

He's coming tonight to check on me. It will hurt to watch him go again, but it hurts more to be so alone. (I know that's part of why I need therapy).

Thanks for reading. I'm not even sure there's anything anyone can say. But it was good to get this out. And my family does know. They're thousands of miles away and even if they weren't, I've managed to make myself thousands of miles away from anyone on the inside now. The isolation is too big.

Also, he says that when we are together and I'm ok and calm, he is happy with me and doesn't want to leave. But now that I'm finally going to get help, he's gone to stay with that person and I know that to fix me will take so long I don't know if he'll still want to come back when I'm ok.

Last edited by so lonely; 02-10-2013 at 05:49 AM. Reason: to add
so lonely is offline  
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 02-10-2013, 05:58 AM
MattMatt's Avatar
Join Date: May 2012
Location: England
Posts: 19,215
Re: How do I cope with my responsibility in what happened?

First of all, welcome to TAM. I am sorry you are here, but so very glad that you could make it.

You'll get lots of advice, lots of support and lots of friendship. From all over the world.

The great thing is there are always people who can relate because they have seen, first hand, the devastation that infidelity can bring.

Also, there's the off topic social section for exchange of recipes, general chats, jokes, etc. (Be afraid UK cheaters! CheaterVille has come to the UK!
MattMatt is offline  
Sponsored Links

Quick Reply

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Trying to cope with what happened during separation meandmeonly Reconciliation 6 12-09-2012 10:06 PM
When Does It Become YOUR Responsibility? Dreald General Relationship Discussion 2 09-08-2012 12:50 PM
my husband's responsibility towards me? rks1 General Relationship Discussion 10 06-16-2012 01:22 AM
More power but no responsibility sisters359 General Relationship Discussion 17 12-28-2010 09:01 AM
Your happiness is your responsibility aurorazz General Relationship Discussion 3 08-22-2009 09:20 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome