Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-10-2013, 08:09 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

Hi everyone. My story is detailed in my thread here: Another new user, another sorry tale but I wanted some specific advice on Exposure.

The outline facts, in brief:-
- I have a WAW who dropped the D bombshell on me a couple of weeks ago.
- I think that she had an EA (and possibly a PA) in the months leading up to it. All the signs were there - unexplained absences, "I don;t have to tell you where I'm going", glued to phone but very secretive about it, joined a socialising group and went out with new friends a lot, used a messenger-type iPhone App that conveniently leaves no text records, set up a secret GMail account, etc.
- She unfriended me on Facebook and Skype

Now my gut feel tells me that she was having an EA and the evidence supports that. My gut feel also tells me that the EA ended in the week before she dropped the D bombshell on me (trying to keep this brief but will go into more detail if anyone thinks its relevant) - presumably she blames me for her dream going up in smoke.

Now a little bit of light snooping tells me that she was in contact with an attractive guy in his 40s during that time - she has his business card in her wallet and he is in her contacts for the chat App on her phone - one of only about 10 contacts and the only one with a photo. There is one unexplained overseas number (from my wife's home country) in the contacts but all the others are work colleagues, female or a "shoulder to cry on" male guy (but again, she has never mentioned him to me).

I have no access to her phone, her phone records or her secret email address - so very little means of gathering more evidence.

So this is what it comes down to. I'm pretty sure that there was an EA/PA but that it's over. I have a prime suspect but next to no hard evidence. I believe the guy is married (electoral details show a woman of similar age to him living at his home address as well as some kids), but I am not sure that I have the correct contact details for his W - I can only track her down on Facebook and I am not 100% sure I have the right woman (she is listed as being in the US where she may or may not have lived for some time a while ago). Of course, this couple may have split up and he may be a recently separated guy on the prowl.

What do I do? Getting this wrong - wrong guy, nothing actually happened despite appearances, flat barefaced denial that I can't counter with solid evidence - could be catastrophic for the WAW situation and my 180 attempt. Is it worth the risk given that the EA seems to be over? What if he has access to his W's facebook A/C and intercepts message? What if his "wife" is actually his sister and on his side?

I think I should just leave it, but I'm not sure that that's just me being a coward. What do others think? Should I do it - and if so, how?

Oh, one other thing that may be relevant. I have already sort of called her on the EA. I have already told her that when a W is having a relationship with a man that she is desperate for her H not to know about then something is very wrong. She didn't say anything - kind of accepted it.

Last edited by Voltaire; 02-10-2013 at 08:21 AM.
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Old 02-10-2013, 08:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

I didn't expose my wife's affair. I wanted to protect her from the shame, so I told nobody and suffered in silence.
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:22 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

I believe in exposure to make sure people understand the type of person your wife has become. It's also good to embarrass her publicly and to extract a little revenge. As long as you have some degree of proof to protect yourself (you must be telling the truth), exposure is great revenge.
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Old 02-10-2013, 09:31 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

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I believe in exposure to make sure people understand the type of person your wife has become. It's also good to embarrass her publicly and to extract a little revenge. As long as you have some degree of proof to protect yourself (you must be telling the truth), exposure is great revenge.
Thanks, Middleman.

The revenge part comes later. I'm going to make sure that he gets named in the divorce papers if it comes to that. I have all the evidence I need to say that my W acted unreasonably in having a hidden relationship with this man, even if it was purely platonic and not an EA.
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

Why do you think the affair is over? If it was I think she'd be looking to keep you around as plan B for a white longer.

You need intelligence info, I'd recommend a VAR in her car or where you think she would be talking to these guys.
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Old 02-10-2013, 10:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

See, I'm thinking the sudden dropping of the new friends may have had more to do with her OM being caught by his wife, or a spouse exposing things. She may have been cleaning tracks, but why would you think it ended things.

Could well be she is going underground with OM. His wife maybe searching for your wife.

You may want to really find the OMW real world address and pay a visit during the day in person.
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Old 02-10-2013, 11:32 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

Hey shaggy - thanks for the feedback.

The reasons I think it's over:-
- she got up in the middle of the night in the week before I got the D-bomb and deleted a whole load of stuff, including the secret email account and her subscription to the social site (which is where I think she met my prime suspect). I have independently verified this.
- suddenly a lot less interested in going out
- phone is suddenly a lot less interesting - takes up far less of her attention, checking it far less frequently
- semi-sexy underwear ("I wear it for me" - and to be fair she dresses very well and has always worn nice underwear) staying in the drawer - it's plain cotton briefs these days
- gut feel - she no longer looks like a woman who is getting that sparkle from hearing all those nice, sympathetic, sexy, appreciative things from OM. She looks depressed and careworn.
- no sign of messages from potential OM in last few weeks (and history beyond that has been wiped - at about the same time as she got up in middle of night and deleted everything else).

I suspect that either he got busted - as you say - or he got bored because he was doing all the nicey-nicey stuff but wanted her to put out and she wouldn't - or at least wouldn't in the way he wanted her to. I'm not claiming she is a saint but she is quite shy sexually and emotionally.

We live in the heart of the city so nobody uses cars much and we're typically surrounded by people. I think most of the flirting was done by text.
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Old 02-10-2013, 12:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

I believe when a partner cheats, they forfeit the right to secrecy after all, at least one person knows first hand that they cheat...there's actually a foolproof way to make sure no one knows...its called not cheating.
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Old 02-10-2013, 12:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

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Originally Posted by Jadiel View Post
I believe when a partner cheats, they forfeit the right to secrecy
Certainly if they want to give the marriage another shot they forfeit the right to trust and to privacy.


Anyway, looking a bit more carefully it seems that the W left this POS in 2011, so probably not too much to be gained by contacting her. He is effectively single, it seems.
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Old 02-10-2013, 12:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

I'd expose but you should only do this if you have concrete evidence.
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Old 02-10-2013, 01:03 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

Each situation is different and you must first weigh the pros and cons of doing so.

I tend to think that the less evidence you have, the less
effective exposing the affair becomes.

Then again, if you're too wishy washy about holding her
accountable for what you know has hurt you, then you run
the risk of sending her the message that it's pretty easy
to get away with hurting you and with minimal consequence.

In my own case, I didn't give a sh!t and told everybody who would listen.
It was an odd form of therapy and such a f*cked up story,
that most (if not all) were willing to listen and sympathize.

I did it to make it harder for their f*ckfests to continue.
I did it to take away the chances of the OM parenting my kids some day.
I did it to show her family that she wasn't the precious angel
that they thought she was, nor was I some religion hating monster.
I did it because the truth matters.

No way was I about to let her wink at me on the way out the door...
HELL no.... sorry, but that last wink is reserved for me, sweeheart.
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Old 02-10-2013, 01:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

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Originally Posted by cantthinkstraight View Post
I tend to think that the less evidence you have, the less effective exposing the affair becomes.
I think that's right - and I have little evidence and I am pretty convinced that it is over. I have also called her on the behavior - so she doesn't get to do the "I got away with it" wink because she knows that deep down I know.

Besides, it now seems that the OMW left a couple of years ago and I am not sure who to expose to. I think her family already know, but they come from a culture where infidelity is taken a bit less seriously - and of course they only have her side of the story which is no doubt that she was driven into the arms of another man because I was so cold and uncaring.

We don't have too many friends who would care too much about it (everyone has seen these stories before and the attitude tends to be very non-judgmental because you never really know what the true story is).
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Old 02-10-2013, 01:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

Why do think it wasn't physical ?

Maybe he dumped her and she was angry about it when she actually deleted the stuff ?
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Old 02-10-2013, 01:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

I would contact the omw and see whybthey are divorced. He may do this kind of thing regularly. Your wife should know if she is just one in a string of women..
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Old 02-10-2013, 01:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Advice wanted on Exposure - do I do it or not?

Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07 View Post
Why do think it wasn't physical ?
I'm not 100% convinced, but that's my gut feel. I may well be wrong.

I did look for evidence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by warlock07 View Post
Maybe he dumped her and she was angry about it when she actually deleted the stuff ?
I think that is probably what happened. That or she bitterly realized that her handsome knight in shining armor was just a scumbag on the make. Either way, I think she put a lot of the blame on me
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