Please Help me. I'm going crazy.
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-21-2009, 12:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

I am new here. I've been going through the worst grief of my life over the past few weeks. I saw this sight today and it helped a bit so here goes.
My boyfriend and I have been the best of friends since we were 12. We've been there for each other through break ups. My divorce from an abusive husband. The birth of my child and my being a single parent. Just the worst catastrophes 2 people could face.
At some point our relationship began to change and we became more than friends. We were serious about each other. We moved together. Took vacations. His family accepted my child as if she was their own, especially since everyone knows my ex husband had left the picture and we haven't heard from him in years.
I can honestly say up until 2 weeks ago I thought everything was great. We were a family. I noticed a mutual friend of ours hung around a bit to much. I told my bf I thought she liked him and I didn't feel comfortable around her. There was just something. On 2 occasions he insisted I was insecure and nothing was wrong. I fell back and tried to be a good friend to both of them.
I always looked on his phone for his internet but suddenly I saw more and more messages from her. Asking about our sex life and way to much personal info. When I asked him about it he said she had gotten in some trouble with a guy she was with and needed advice. Well that guy happened to be mine.
We were on a trip and she came with us and some other friends. He was so nasty to me. I told him i felt something was wrong. Cried my heart out to him. He yelled at me. The first time in 12 years he's ever raised his voice to me.
I told him I wanted to go he said no. I'm a miserable person and he didn't realize how different we were. Well he left me in the car for hours while everyone else had a great time. I prayed for guidance and help and suddenly I saw her phone and found messages they sent each other.
I confronted him and he told the truth. I don't know i just lost it. I fought him and made him get the children together at 11 pm to go back home. I walked to her and she just said sorry. I tried to walk away but I couldn't. I cussed her out and beat her up. The betrayal I felt was just so overwhelming.
She had been in my house. Around my child. Pretending to be my friend. All along she was having sex with him and he was having sex with me. My best friend!!!!
To say I've lost my mind over the past few weeks is an understatement. I can't stop thinking aobut it. He has apologized and begged me not to leave. His famiily has begged me not to leave. I don't want to but the pain I feel is so overwhelming. The person I trusted with my life betrayed me horribly.
To make matters worse the girl lives right next door. She is since moving away and has done all she can cause she feels so bad. She claims she knew he loved me and she just lost herself for 1 week when it happened. He's ashamed. His family is really religous and they know.
I just don't know what to do. I can't focus at work. I cry myself to sleep at night. He thinks I should move on and lets work on it. How he'll never do it again. How he hates himself. I realize that even good people make mistake. But I don't understand how the greatest person to me could be the worst person. How he could love me and be with some one else. How he could hurt me.
I think about it all day. I'm at a loss. He doesn't understand how I feel. I could just die from the agony. How do I ever trust him again? I love him yes but I don't want to hurt anymore. I wanna get through it but how do you do it? How does it get better? When does it get better? The rage and pain in me is just ridiculous. Please help me. I'm losing my mind.
Please help. Thank you so much.
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Old 07-21-2009, 06:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

I am going through something similar. All I can say is that it will hurt just as bad if you split up as it will if you stay together. You have to decide if it is worth putting in some time to see if you can learn to forgive him, if you can believe that you are his focus now and he won't be dishonest again. That is what I am grappling with. Every day brings with it new challenges, and you have to use your faith in God to bring you back to yourself. I told my H. that I didn't want to know all the details, that it would only make me hurt worse. I believe he did have sex with another woman, but if I dont actually hear it from his mouth, I can learn to forget. That is my delusion, anyway.
I wish you luck, and feel free to vent any time. We are here to listen to each other and try to help.
Best,
J.
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Old 07-21-2009, 06:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Sounds like an unfortunate but common problem. If you haven't left yet and could than that tells me that you would hurt more without him. I would make him gather his and your family together and tell the entire story then apologize for his actions to everyone. He sounds like he is very remorseful, and this could be the shame he needs to be true to you forever. If you tell him this is the only way you will stay with him and he does it than he meant everything he said, if he doesn't do it than he doesn't care enough and you should move on.
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Old 07-21-2009, 07:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Thank you both so much for responding. It feels good to know someone out there understands. I have been praying to God to guide me..to get this pain and rage out of me and replace it with joy. I know God works on his own time and that I have to be patient.
I know he is remorseful. He came home from work today upset that every one at his job knows. He works with some of the people we went on the trip with and you know people talk. Everyone keeps telling him how he messed up and some of the guys tease him. He hates it. He's so ashamed of it. The thing is he has such a concious that for the life of me I don't understand why he would do such a stupid thing because its killing him to deal with it.
His entire family knows. He told 1 person. I told 1 person and ....so on. He says this is our personal business but I feel its his shameful business. He did it so face it!!!! The fact that his Mom knows and she just looks at him with disgust eats him alive as it should. He wishes he could talk to her but he doesn't want to face her.
I love him so much. I know its killing him but its kiling me too. He made the decisions for me. He slept with her 3 times. You don't do that by mistake. He put my life in danger. He feels bad now...but then all he could think about was his pleasure. I don't understand how he could even look at another like that cause I sure cant.
I don't want to leave. I told him I no longer feel happy in our home because she's been here. He finally offered to move. He should have been done it.
Everyday I look at him with so much ove then so much sadness. I don't think he'll do it again but how do I face this?Does it get a little easier each day? I just want to be happy.
I hate that I feel all this emotions. I only have 3 right now. Sadness. Anger. Sometimes okay.
I'm working on forgiving him but its hard. How do I let go? How do I make love to him and not think about him with someone else? How do I not wonder about our other friends?
We're determined to make this work but not the first clue how.
Thank you so much for responding. I promise it means the world right now. Thank you both.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

What jumped out to me is where you said that he doesn't understand how you feel. How is it that he can't understand? All he needs to do is imagine that you had done this to him. The pain should be obvious. The questioning about truth, trust, and can it ever get back to normal should be obvious.

You say he's remorseful. Honestly, it sounds like he's more embarrassed than remorseful. If you hadn't caught him, how long would this have gone on? I think that's a very important question to ask him. Now that everyone knows, he wants to put it behind HIM but you don't get that luxury. It just started for you.

I would have him move out at least for a while. He just doesn't get what he's done. When he says he'll never do it again, I am betting that if he hadn't been caught, he would have done it again (and again). And if he did it once and didn't make it end on his own, I'm not sure I'd believe that he's suddenly reformed. ESPECIALLY when he can't comprehend your pain or your position.

I'm really sorry.
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Old 07-21-2009, 09:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Thanks Dobo. He understands how the concept of how I feel but he says it was just sex. I know he loves me but its even more of the deception game they played. The chick was leaving in a week for Ireland and would be gone for 6 weeks. He thought she would leave and life would be back to normal. He didn't want to hurt me but he's glad I know about it. She said the same and that she was stupid and meant nothing to him. I'm sure it meant nothing to either of them but it meant something to me. He gave away a piece of me. My trust, my security, my peace. Thats what itsn't clicking to him.
Don't get me wrong he's embarassed and ashamed because he knows it was morally wrong and he had a wonderful woman at home. He's sorry that it not only hurts himself but the entire family. It affected us all.
I don't think he'll do it again. I am not certain but I do know that he's not the type of guy which is why this is so shocking. I've been with deadbeat losers but not him. She made him think that he could possibly be someone else because she comes from money. I tell him its like he had a midlife crisis in his twenties. He's back to reality and he's trying. He's a good person that did a bad thing. I know that but it doesn't stop my heart from hurting.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me rant.
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Old 07-23-2009, 12:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Today I am better. Not good but better. Goatz you helped me out a lot and made a lot of sense. He has spoken to his family about the situation. His Mother is very aware. And I know he is remorseful. As we try each day I realize that I am still so upset. I have flashbacks of her coming to my house. I am unhappy in my home. She said she would try to move but I'm not certain how that is.

I would like to know why is it that the decisions he made have to affect me so much? Uproot my life and family? I had no part in that. I'm so angry. I look at him with so much love. And then the other part of me looks with disgust. How could he be so weak and do that? Yesterday he touched me for the first time without me thinking of them and wanting to throw up. But afterwards I thought about that someone else had a part of me and got enraged. My rollercoaster ride lives on.

Don't get me wrong I did things too. I might have taken him for granted. I did actually but I still wouldn't have done this. I'm grateful we are together. I'm grateful that we are in love and are trying to work this out but I'm still so upset. When does this get better?

He is ashamed and mad at himself. Hell I'm mad too. I have to make a concious effort to not continously bring up the subject since I have opted to stay and make it work. And I am going to make it work but why would he do it? Does anyone know why a man would stray for sex when he has it at home? When his woman is beautiful? When I cook, clean? I'm supportive in all he does. We were happy!!!! Why would he do it? Is there a reason? He says its not me he just ***** up. But why?
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Old 07-23-2009, 01:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Men are attracted to the prospect of having sex with many women, and depending on the guy and circumstances, a situation may develop that something like this may occur. It isn't you, it men. In general men have grandiose dreams of having a harem. He just unknowingly put himself in a position where he would do this, and the excitement clouded his judgment. I've been in similar positions but chose to break away from it for fear of losing what I have, but there have also been times where if given the opportunity I might have. I'm not defending him, but in general this seems to be the mentality of a typical man. Just don't put him under your thumb hard, you may make him so depressed he no longer feels like a man, or he could grow to resent your relationship. Be authoritative but positive, and let him know your the one steering the relationship for now.
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Old 07-23-2009, 01:07 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Beyond,
My H has it all at home. We have the best sex he has ever had in his life (his words), I am a darn attractive woman, I work FT because I can make more than him, and he stays home with our boys. I hit the ground running as soon as I walk thru the door each night and help out with whatever he could not get to that day. His friends love me, his Dad and sister love me...we are honestly a perfect match.
But yeah, he cheated on me. And, damn if it didnt have anything to do with ME. He has issues from his past that he has never dealt with, and he chose to run rather than fight to fix himself. He picked a girl who is about as screwed up as you can find, because she made HIM feel like he had it together. Took him almost losing everything to hit his bottom and to begin the work of healing HIMSELF...and it took me a bit of backing off to let him go thru that. So, look at your H. Whatever caused him to behave so stupidly, it was not your fault. He's gotta get himself straight, and you have to learn to let go; let go of feeling like its somehow your fault, and eventually you will have to let go of the anger, otherwise you can never move forward. I do NOT dwell on it, becuase if I do, i'm living in the past, and I cant change it. I'm looking forward to my future. I can't give you a healing time frame, because it happens at its own pace, but I can tell you it DOES get easier. Hang in there!
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Old 07-24-2009, 07:15 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by goatz View Post
Men are attracted to the prospect of having sex with many women, and depending on the guy and circumstances, a situation may develop that something like this may occur. It isn't you, it men. In general men have grandiose dreams of having a harem. He just unknowingly put himself in a position where he would do this, and the excitement clouded his judgment. I've been in similar positions but chose to break away from it for fear of losing what I have, but there have also been times where if given the opportunity I might have. I'm not defending him, but in general this seems to be the mentality of a typical man. Just don't put him under your thumb hard, you may make him so depressed he no longer feels like a man, or he could grow to resent your relationship. Be authoritative but positive, and let him know your the one steering the relationship for now.
Not all men dream of having a harem. Some of us just dream of having one woman to love. Who will love us back for whatever and whoever we are. I dont think I could handle the craziness of more then one woman. Thinking about it makes me cringe. Its hard enough to keep one happy.



John
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Old 07-24-2009, 07:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

Goatz and Mommybean you are both correct. Since I know he's not the type to typically cheat I'm sure he got caught in the excitement and she made him feel that he could be someone else and was on top of the world. Well he fell back down to earth. But see when he did he realized that his reality was better than that stupid dream world she had him living in. And while I will never understand, I'll always try because I love him.

I see that he is hurt because of it. He didn't just hurt me, he hurt everyone connected to us. However, I'm sure he's learned his lesson.

Each day gets a little easier. Yesterday I was a little sad but I went and supported him at his softball games and cheered like I normally do. I couldn't understand how it meant so much to him now when this is what I always did before. He said I'm brave for staying with a fool. How absolutely grateful he is that I stayed. On the ride home he apologized because he knew. Even when I go through the motions he knows when I'm thinking about it.

I think I'm just so upset because she preyed on me. As my friend. She took advantage of my being a good friend and being around my child and family. True he was just to stupid to see because she was throwing it at him so he took it. Thats what hurt. His stupidity and her deception.

I did cry last night but not out of my usual anger and despair. It was a cry of relief. A cry that I know he loves me and that this will work and that we will be stronger than we ever were. We won't stop trying.

I love him. We're the perfect fit. The perfect family. Like you said Mommybean I'm hot!!! LOL. We both work. He owns a business and work a day job. Come home, cook, clean, put the kid to bed and get to it. And you are right. A few days ago I didn't realize how I kept bashing him and he thought he was going to move out. Now I keep my mouth shut because he knows what he did. And when he sees my face he realize what he's done and he's remorseful. I couldn't see myself without him.

Goatz as a woman maybe I'll never understand how it was just sex. Not when he's my man and thats my sex. I mean I can't. But since he's been my best friend for 12 years I do understand he made a mistake. He's a guy that hasn't been with many women. You could literally count on one hand. He's never had it thrown at him and never been in that situation. I've been his best friend so I know. But you live and you learn. I tell myself the good thing in all this is it happened right before we got married. I hope that we'll have a smooth ride, at least in this apsect.

Thank you guys much. I always need to hear what you say and I sure do appreciate it. It makes me feel so much better than you probably know.
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Old 07-24-2009, 07:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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John,
That was him. The one woman guy. Crazy because out of no where of never cheating and having an awesome relationship he slipped and fell hard. He cringes now because he realizes that its worse than he thought. He almost lost the best thing in his life and was damn close to losing his life too!!! LOL. Thanks.
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Old 07-24-2009, 04:42 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Here goes the roller coaster ride. I keep having all of these random thoughts. Places that all 3 of us have gone to. Even when they were f******. I find myself angrier over and over again then I start crying cause I can't get this pain off of my damn back. So unfair. Soo unfair. And to make matters worse this beyotch lives next door to me. Who the f...is that stupid that they cheat with the **** next door????? I'm so so mad. No matter how he tries to make it okay and say he love me. So did you or did you not love me when you were sticking it in her??? I mean am I being absurd and ignorant? I know everyone says to move on. Well that moving on is not going as fast as I would like it. I just hurt so bad. I hate living in my home. In my neighorhood. I go through my camera for pictures of my child and what do you know this bi...is on my camera. Anger and more sadness. I just want to choke the b..cause maybe I'd feel better. I know I popped her a few at first but I dont think it did me justice. I'm mad at both of them. But what the ***kkk made her think I would share the man that I'm marrying with her. Who does that????? Is that not disgusting???? I could just throw up now. NO I am going to throw up now.
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Old 07-24-2009, 05:16 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Please Help me. I'm going crazy.

BREATH - BREATH - BREATH - JUST BREATH - if that is all you can do for now - JUST BREATH!! I know the anger is so overwhelming, so consuming but I encourage you to look at your child, find some pics of them, happy times, through all this - you have a wonderful beautiful child, - your child will be your salvation through all this.

It is not fair - but you need to consider seriously moving. You can not live with a constant reminder of this person so close. The sooner the better.

Remember - JUST BREATH - we are here for you - you will get through this - someone said "what doesn't kill us - makes us stronger" - I truly believe that!!

If it helps go biking, get some exercise - find a way to vent your anger - take up kick boxing, karate -etc - the physical aggression on a bunching bag is amazing therapy!!
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Old 07-24-2009, 09:20 PM   #15 (permalink)
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BREATH - BREATH - BREATH - JUST BREATH - if that is all you can do for now - JUST BREATH!! I know the anger is so overwhelming, so consuming but I encourage you to look at your child, find some pics of them, happy times, through all this - you have a wonderful beautiful child, - your child will be your salvation through all this.

It is not fair - but you need to consider seriously moving. You can not live with a constant reminder of this person so close. The sooner the better.

Remember - JUST BREATH - we are here for you - you will get through this - someone said "what doesn't kill us - makes us stronger" - I truly believe that!!

If it helps go biking, get some exercise - find a way to vent your anger - take up kick boxing, karate -etc - the physical aggression on a bunching bag is amazing therapy!!
Steel Reeling,
I've considered kickboxing severely. At this time though I'm trying to see if this chick is going to be relocated or will we. I want to move but all of our family lives on our block and we're happy. This homewrecker needs to move. Have you ever been so mad that you hate somene? I know its wrong but I'm almost there.

You are right though. I do not need to stay anywhere near her. Its not fair to have to see her everyday. When I try talking to my bf about it he gets upset like I thought we were having a good day. So when are we going to talk about it? I do not want to see her again. We all see I have an anger issue and the disrespect fuels that.

I just want this sh...t to go away. It has consumed my life. It affects me at work. I cry at my desk. In my car. Like I have split personalities. Gosh I couldnt imagine being married and dealing with this again. Been there done that once. I want my life back. I keep thinking about that Julia Roberts movie with Dennis Quaid when she's like "Is there anyone else f...cking my husband that I should know about?" LOL That made me feel a bit better. Just a little cause she was not playing games. I'm a mixture of her character and the sister.

I'm sad but thanks. I went and purchased a bunch of music that always made me feel good no matter what. It helps.... Thanks for being there. I appreciate it.
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