so lonely

He's never coming back and I know it. I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I can't stop crying though and even though I should have known it a long time ago, I only realized it last night while I once again pictured him with her....not even very far away from where we live - where I live...it was supposed to be our new home, but he left two weeks after moving. And he knows what I'm going through and he still left. And he knows I'm all alone and unstable and he still left. He'll never be back. I'm not strong enough to write my whole situation, but over the years I became 100% entirely financially dependent on him. Nevermind the emotional stuff. So I can't do the NC and he doesn't even want to (ha). But he's never coming back. Not for more than a day. And I have no choice but to see him and rip myself open over and over again. I found out that I can get disability even out of the country so hopefully after my doctor visit I'll get some money of my own coming in in a month or a few...I don't know. But I'm terrified that they'll want to hospitalize me because of my mental state. They can't put me on meds when I'm like this and living alone unsupervised. I know that much. I know it's the first step and I should try to just look at it in a positive light, but I'm terrified. I haven't stopped crying again in I don't know how long, haven't slept, haven't eaten. And then like the total loser I am I wrote him yesterday that I'd wait for him as long as it takes. God. And I meant it. But I won't. But it will take years to fix this damage. And I feel too old and too tired to go on. ... Sorry for rambling. It's just so hard to finally see that he's never coming back. I can't believe we're over. ... And after reading this, it's not acceptance, it's just resignation. Or realization. It won't be acceptance until I get help and make peace and move on. But I know it's over now. Took me a very long time to see that.

AngryandUsed

Sorry.

Seek some help. Dont suffer in lonliness. Dont suffer lonliness.

Your mind is in all over the places. So seek help.

Prayers

so lonely

Thank you for your reply. I go to the doctor tomorrow. If I would have gone a long time ago, things might have turned out differently, but that's part of what's making me lose my mind. But when the dark reality finally sunk in.... He's my only relationship ever. He knows that and he knows what place he occupies in my life...being my first and only. He left. I have untreated mental issues, but he's an alcoholic and I helped him get sober, then he started again with the person he's with now, but seems to have stabilized....doesn't matter. He knows exactly how badly I'm suffering because I wasn't strong enough not to let him see. He left. Actions speak louder than words. I chose not to hear....now I can't stop hearing. I only hope the doctor visit I'm finally going to isn't too late (I mean too late to fix my illness). Sickeningly enough he has to go with me because I'm such a basket case now that I can't even communicate with the front desk (language barrier made worse by my situation). So he has to go with me at least to the front desk. Then he wants to stay with me overnight and then I don't know what's going to happen (I mean if he's going to come back again, not what will happen between us, nothing will). But I know he's gone. And I'm not happy about it. And that's sick too.

staystrong

Please see my post in your other thread. I suggest you maintain just one thread - they are the same topic basically.

You need to leave Germany and go to the USA. This is what I did and it helped. File for D in your state of residency. Do not tell your husband you are leaving! <- Important!

so lonely

Ok thank you. I will just stick with this one now. I'm still going to the doctor tomorrow. I kind of think they'll say the same thing - about going back. I am terrified of that too.

mad6r

Do you have friends you can talk to? It helped me knowing that my friends had my back. Normally guys dont talk to each other like that but I was amazed at how supportive they were.

betterme

so lonely, sorry to hear that...

you can do it! honestly, i'm suffering also with what you have dealt right now..but for me, it's not the end of the world..god gave that problem to us because he know we can handle it..

alte Dame

I just read some of your other thread.

You need to get out of there and come back to where you have some support. I'm assuming you have family and friends somewhere outside of Germany. Do you?

curlysue321

So sorry you are going through this. I am on disability too. My marriage of 24 years ended. I thought no one would want to date me without a job. I was wrong. I told three people about my bipolar disorder and they all wanted to keep seeing me. I am now remarried. I went from being in a relationship where my exhusband treated me like I was nothing special at all with very little attention to being to center of my new man's universe. You do not know what the future holds, but it sounds like you didn't have it very good so I think the future will only be better. Hang in there.