We separated yesterday and I sent her to live with her sister. I told her that I need to get my head on straight and make sure I want to R. She was devastated but understands that I am having a difficult time moving forward and will do whatever it takes to help me heal.
Two days without her has not helped me at all. I am still living in hell with constant thoughts of the details of the A. I do not want to D because I truly love my wife but at this point I am 50/50 R/D.
Anyone have any advice on how to at least get on the road to forgiveness? I know this will take time but I really feel like a month has been an eternity and I am moving backwards instead of forwards.
Do not let this discourage you Joe. Moving backward is par for the course. You were focused on saving the marriage before, now that you feel you have saved it, you have secured victory on the other man front, you are looking at the casualties and what exactly you fought for and not thinking it was worth winning.
This, too, will pass. A month is nowhere near enough time. Give it a year. By that time, the hurt still will be tremendous, but if you are going to make it, most days you will feel good as opposed to how you feel now. The bad memories will fade, you will never forget, but they will fade. There always will be triggers, but they will be fewer and less severe as time goes on.
I don't agree with separation. You've got to struggle through this. You ultimately may not want to reconcile, you may not want to waste a year, but a year is what I think it takes to be able to decide, given of course that your wife continues to do all the right things.
It's OK to talk with her about how you feel, to bring it up, but it might help if you can limit it to certain times, to set aside certain times, when she will be available for you to talk about the affair and how it makes you feel. It does no good to dwell on it. If she's doing something that triggers you, bring it up right away. It it's just thoughts that come into your head not based on her PRESENT actions, try to put off talking about it until the time you decided to set aside, let's say, for example, for one hour, from 9-10 pm on a Sunday night.
But the feeling that you're going backward at one month in is pretty normal. It takes more time than that.