Should I give her a second chance part II
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-15-2013, 02:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Should I give her a second chance part II

Part two of my story:

I need some advice on how I personally get over the pain and obsession of her A. Immediately after DDay I was heavily focused on R (80/20 R/D) but I am now having a difficult time getting past the PA. This is not because of her; indeed her actions are exactly as you would expect from someone truly trying to repair a marriage they damaged.

Specifically she has been regretful, remorseful, has guilt and shame. We have done some exposing to a couple that are very close friends, my mother, her parents, and her sister. This has helped us both and although it was embarrassing for both of us it was the right thing to do.
She has been fully transparent in everything. The story has not changed since DDay +2 at the MC and it didn’t change before, during, or after the Poly. I have full access to everything: texts, phone log, GPS tracking, FB, email, and all financial transactions.

I have VARs that I move between the house, the car, her purse, and her gym bag. There has been nothing but remorse on the recordings. She will spontaneously cry at times, ask how should could have lost her mind, etc. That was more prevalent the first two weeks with the VAR and has now basically stopped. Her conversations with her sister and other that know are actually great to hear because she is remorseful and takes responsibility for what she did. I hate listening because I now feel almost “dirty” listening to someone else’s private conversation. BTW how do you all find time to review all the VAR recordings? I had to get an extra one so I could rotate them and listen to one on my way to work.

There has been absolutely no contact with the POSOM. I have been very unpredictable lately and have followed her to work (new job), come home at odd times, and watch the GPS tracker constantly. At this point I believe her that she has no interest and is committed to R.

That’s why I am back. We separated yesterday and I sent her to live with her sister. I told her that I need to get my head on straight and make sure I want to R. She was devastated but understands that I am having a difficult time moving forward and will do whatever it takes to help me heal.

Two days without her has not helped me at all. I am still living in hell with constant thoughts of the details of the A. I do not want to D because I truly love my wife but at this point I am 50/50 R/D.

Anyone have any advice on how to at least get on the road to forgiveness? I know this will take time but I really feel like a month has been an eternity and I am moving backwards instead of forwards.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

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I have VARs that I move between the house, the car, her purse, and her gym bag.

I have been very unpredictable lately and have followed her to work (new job), come home at odd times, and watch the GPS tracker constantly.
all i have to say is- this is no way to live.

you didn't sign up to be anyone's babysitter..... certainly not your wife's.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:23 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

its pretty obvious that there is no need to follow her around anymore or listen in on every convo. she is having. U gotta relax now. If she is giving u full transparency and u have been constantly checkin up on her and have found nothing, then there is nothing. U might not want to push her too far away or she might just bolt for good. U have to forgive her if u want to re start the marriage. If not, just end it. The guy above is right, this is no way to live. Youre like a stealth spy wanting to find out stuff. Maybe just maybe she is telling the truth and ur wasting ur time.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Should I give her a second chance part II

You've got to replace the toxic energy with something positive. Rebuild the relationship instead of living in its wreckage. Date each other. Talk to each other about your problems. Do things for each other that build a feeling of love, trust, friendship, respect, romance, and commitment. stay with your MC. If you don't actively rebuild the bond, there's nothing for which you'll want to stay.

Do some of the marriage builders exercises, too. I think they'd be useful.

The pain will be there, but at some point you have to decide to take back the relationship and actively move forward. Talk to her about what will help ease your anxiety and triggers. Lean on each other.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

How long has it been since you found out about her affair? A few weeks right?

It takes a long time to get past the pain, the mind movies, etc. For me it was about 8 months or so until they deminished to the point of it not being constant emotional pain.

You might want to see a doctor about getting on some meds. They do help to move you along faster. I wish I had done that.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

Agree- I need to let it go and move on. I just would rather do it with her.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

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Agree- I need to let it go and move on. I just would rather do it with her.
You can do it with her.

Like was said above, start doing positive things that make you feel better.

When you have bad thoughts, stop thinking that and make yourself thing of somethin positive.

Talk to your wife about how you feel when you feel badly, let her help you heal by her holding you, talking to you, etc.
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Old 02-15-2013, 02:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

Read the thread from rookie4. A text book case of handling things the right way. In his case he divorced, slept with a lot of other women, and then had his ex pursue him to win him over.

I don't think sleeping with other women or even divorcing was the key, though it did not hurt his healing . I think the key is reckonizing that when your wife stepped out on you she wrecked your marriage.

Your marriage is dead just like if a tornado ripped open half your house. You could still live in it, but any sane man would tear it down and then rebuild from scratch on a better foundation.

When you tried to patch things over like nothing happened you were doomed to fail because something did happen. Trying to hold onto that fraudulent marriage only brought you pain because deep down you knew it was a fraud.

You are on the right track though. Whether you divorce and then try to reconcile or pursue a post nup and them try to reconcile is up to you. But hopefully you are seeing things a little clearer now. If you really want to be happy with her you have to be willing to let go of the past and gamble on a new future.

Good luck.
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Old 02-15-2013, 03:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

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We separated yesterday and I sent her to live with her sister. I told her that I need to get my head on straight and make sure I want to R. She was devastated but understands that I am having a difficult time moving forward and will do whatever it takes to help me heal.

Two days without her has not helped me at all. I am still living in hell with constant thoughts of the details of the A. I do not want to D because I truly love my wife but at this point I am 50/50 R/D.

Anyone have any advice on how to at least get on the road to forgiveness? I know this will take time but I really feel like a month has been an eternity and I am moving backwards instead of forwards.
Thanks
Joe Dirt
Do not let this discourage you Joe. Moving backward is par for the course. You were focused on saving the marriage before, now that you feel you have saved it, you have secured victory on the other man front, you are looking at the casualties and what exactly you fought for and not thinking it was worth winning.

This, too, will pass. A month is nowhere near enough time. Give it a year. By that time, the hurt still will be tremendous, but if you are going to make it, most days you will feel good as opposed to how you feel now. The bad memories will fade, you will never forget, but they will fade. There always will be triggers, but they will be fewer and less severe as time goes on.

I don't agree with separation. You've got to struggle through this. You ultimately may not want to reconcile, you may not want to waste a year, but a year is what I think it takes to be able to decide, given of course that your wife continues to do all the right things.

It's OK to talk with her about how you feel, to bring it up, but it might help if you can limit it to certain times, to set aside certain times, when she will be available for you to talk about the affair and how it makes you feel. It does no good to dwell on it. If she's doing something that triggers you, bring it up right away. It it's just thoughts that come into your head not based on her PRESENT actions, try to put off talking about it until the time you decided to set aside, let's say, for example, for one hour, from 9-10 pm on a Sunday night.

But the feeling that you're going backward at one month in is pretty normal. It takes more time than that.
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

Unfortunately it's what they do to us.

They think a few weeks of remorse and tears and we can then 'move on'

Not many imexp can move on and just leave it all behind

This why infidelity is so huge and is why when they are cakeating and lapping it up they have absolutely no idea of the repercussions of their actions.

For you to be running around like Insp Clouseau for years is the reality. You'll always not quite trust her. Its why any reconciliation has to be a 'new' relationship with none of the fears and poor boundaries of before

Its why most R's fail - because the 'new' person you're looking at with very clear eyes is often somebody you then would not go anywhere near in a new relationship

I tried it numerous times and it simply gave her the green light to just carry on more destructive each time

There are a few success you can see on here or more accurately 'work in progresses'

Good luck my friend
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Old 02-15-2013, 04:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

Joe,

Did she ever quit going to that gym? Have you ever nailed down exactly how he just "showed up at your house" when the PA took place? There was still a lot of questionable issues regarding her affair and as you stated you are a black and white kind of guy. While you may be monitoring her and are assured her affair is over that doesn't mean that in your mind you really have all the answers. You say she has answered all your question and her answers haven't wavered but there will always be questions in your mind. Some people just can't get past their loved ones betraying them like this. And don't forget, this happened in your house and in your bed. The biggest question is "can you live with it?"
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:00 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Why is she still going to a gym? Your wife and gyms have proven to be a bad combination...especially if she's good looking and attracts predators. She needs to quit going to the gym, buy herself a pilates ball and some free weights and do her workouts at home.

Having her move out temporarily is a good thing. It will keep her scared. But don't detach. Stay in daily contact with her. Let her know that for now you are not going anywehere.

But that gym stuff? Uh uh.
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

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Its why most R's fail - because the 'new' person you're looking at with very clear eyes is often somebody you then would not go anywhere near in a new relationship
Unfortunately, the "new" person was there all along the relationship. We were too busy being in love with an image we portraited of them.

The affair is beneficial to the BS as in it shatters that very untruthful image, making the BS see the WS for what they truly are for the very first time in the relationship.
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Should I give her a second chance part II

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Unfortunately, the "new" person was there all along the relationship. We were too busy being in love with an image we portraited of them.

The affair is beneficial to the BS as in it shatters that very untruthful image, making the BS see the WS for what they truly are for the very first time in the relationship.
As much as it kills me, I have to agree with this statement. I think our love blinds us to what our spouses really are. I do think they pretend themselves to be someone they are not for us and eventually this nature, this true nature comes out.

I have had several friends and family independently make this same comment to me.

But I pretty much agree with others here. Try to let go. Talk to her about how you feel. let her know this isn't going to go away in a day. Tell her she needs to be understanding with you in your crazy moments now, if she loves you.

Go to more MC.
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Old 02-15-2013, 06:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
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As much as it kills me, I have to agree with this statement. I think our love blinds us to what our spouses really are. I do think they pretend themselves to be someone they are not for us and eventually this nature, this true nature comes out.

I have had several friends and family independently make this same comment to me.

But I pretty much agree with others here. Try to let go. Talk to her about how you feel. let her know this isn't going to go away in a day. Tell her she needs to be understanding with you in your crazy moments now, if she loves you.

Go to more MC.
I agree with you to a point. I've gone through a lot of IC and MC, and one fundemental truth that all therapists and marriage counselors share is that when two people are courting and falling in love, they lie about or hide some aspects of their lives and personalities to make themselves as acceptable to a potential mate as they can.

All humans do this to a degree. We exagerrate the good qualities and hide the bad from those we wish to impress...especially potential spouses. Some of us just lie more than others.
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