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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-20-2013, 09:49 AM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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Originally Posted by Ever-Man View Post
This may be your saving grace in telling your wife, the propensity for an open marriage. If you decide to tell your wife (you probably should) be sure to inform/ask your neighbors and see if they believe this is necessary. Judging by your neighbors reaction, perhaps they are not devastated by this affair. Maybe your neighbor, the husband, is seeing someone else as well, maybe he has been intimate WITH YOUR WIFE (wouldn't that be convenient, perhaps you all could swing) and maybe they are willing to let it go and forget, it can get buried in the past.
Let this unfold a bit (few more days?) before you take drastic action, the affair seems quite short-term and you were breaking it off of your own volition, this seems like a forgivable affair.

A word about TAM, there are a lot of people who have been destroyed by affairs on this site, me included, and I am 100% opposed to them, however I concede there are affairs that are quite forgivable, and forgetable, perhaps this is one of them.

Most important is to keep marriage with children in them together, in my opinion. Divorce is the last option.
Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:54 AM   #62 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.
I hope you aren't planning to tell your W in front of this neighbor. I hope you aren't planning to "consult" with this neighbor prior to telling your W. What possible input could this neighbor provide you with tonight? Something seems rather odd here.
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:56 AM   #63 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

This is cognitive dissonance.

You say you have a good marriage and you really love each other. BUT love means honoring and respecting and empathizing. Real love wouldn't result in your groping your neighbor's W for months because a) you wouldn't want to do it, and b) you would never do anything purposely to hurt the woman you love.

Your marriage isn't a good one if you've done this. Depending on how this goes, it could become a good marriage, but I think you underestimate dramatically the level of betrayal this will be for your W.

If your W had spent the last 3 months having an A with the neighbor, how would you react?
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:58 AM   #64 (permalink)
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Default Got caught with the neighbors wife...

I don't know your wife. But if it was me, I would probably not believe that you had slept together. Adults just kissing. Yeah right.

You need to be as aggressive as possible in showing remorse and making sure this wont happen again. Allow her to monitor you, moving away from OW, complete transparency, whatever it takes. Then you can hope that she may trust you again someday. Wouldn't be possible for me, but I'm not your wife.
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Old 02-20-2013, 09:59 AM   #65 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up.
That 'great' relationship is over because of your and the OW's actions. You can't unfvck her.

You would be best served concentrating on trying to fix YOUR marriage.

You can begin the long process by telling your wife everything and begging her forgiveness.

(BTW, it appears that both you and your wife have poor boundaries. Having another man or woman fvck your spouse never ends well.)
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:18 AM   #66 (permalink)
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I may not beable to spell but I have been here long enought o see plenty of threads were loyal spouses always find out.


BTW, The Guy I don't even notice your spelling - or lack thereof - anymore. I just focus on the thoughtfulness and eloquence that you put into your posts.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:18 AM   #67 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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Everyone keeps saying that I care more abt the other family than my own, but that isn't true. I just think my wife and I are in a better place then they are and will recover from this a lot easier than them.
I plan on telling my wife tonight. My neighbor wants me to go to his house tonight after I get off work to discuss things since the wife and kids are out of town.
The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.
Offer to take a polygraph test, paid for by you, and see if that would satisfy him.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:24 AM   #68 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

If there was no sex involved, just texting, some kissing and fondling, what did her letter say that upset her H and made him think there was more?

Instead of simply texting you one more time to tell you to that these action cannot continue, why did she write an actual letter, and then leave it somewhere for her H to find?

And how could she possibly discontinue the A when you are neighbors and she is supposedly a friend of your W? In other words, you will still be seeing each other and in contact with each other?

Something about what was discovered (by the H) and the letter seems not quite right - IMO.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:32 AM   #69 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

It doesn't matter if you two did not have sexual intercourse. Your behavior shows that you had the intent to do so sometime soon in the future. Open mouth kisses, grabbing her butt....... That's betrayal enough for me.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:32 AM   #70 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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The whole "affair" lasted a month in a half. We didn't sleep together, just a lot of texting, we kissed a few times, and i touched her butt. However he doesn't believe us, I wouldn't believe us either. He thinks we had sex and that this had been going on for a year. I hope my wife believes me.
Are you guys like in high school? I don't mean that to be rude or anything, but the last time texting and kissing was all that happened would be like in 11th grade.

Spare us the gaslighting. In cheat-speak, kissing = bangin' (or sexual something!)

Sorry, man...with all that we've seen around here, this doesn't pass the sniff test.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:37 AM   #71 (permalink)
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Are you guys like in high school? I don't mean that to be rude or anything, but the last time texting and kissing was all that happened would be like in 11th grade.

Spare us the gaslighting. In cheat-speak, kissing = bangin' (or sexual something!)

Sorry, man...with all that we've seen around here, this doesn't pass the sniff test.


I don't think the W will buy it either, since the OWH doesn't buy it.
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Old 02-20-2013, 10:48 AM   #72 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

Op you never slept together. Add that to the fact that your wife seems to have little issues with sharing you and I think the word "cheating" in the case of your marriage is a stretch.

In the case of what you did to your neighbours husband...you cheated with his wife. So be prepared to feel his wrath. He's not going to believe a word you say. Just relax and stay calm.

This place is a trip sometimes. Some of you ignoring the fact that he says they didn't have sex ....you're just projecting way too much.
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Old 02-20-2013, 11:33 AM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

You think your doing things right by your wife by keeping people who BETRAYED her in her life (i.e. you and her neighbor "friend")? This must be a joke.
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Old 02-20-2013, 11:54 AM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

Letting your wife remain "friends" with this OW is pure cruelty.
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Old 02-20-2013, 12:05 PM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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Letting your wife remain "friends" with this OW is pure cruelty.
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