Got caught with the neighbors wife...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 02-19-2013, 11:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Got caught with the neighbors wife...

About 3 weeks ago I got a phone call from my neighbor, and also a good friend, saying that he knows I have been romantically involved with his wife. We have been neighbors for abt 3 years, our kids are similar in ages and play together all the time. This infidelity started about 3 months ago via text. My neighbors wife "Fran" and I started texting each other innocently enough, and then one night after I had been drinking a little, I sent an inappropriate text and instead of being shut down, received a rebuttal text that was just as risque... This is when it began.
A background of our families; they have been married for about 13 yrs, i have been married for 7.
We got caught cause she wrote a detailed letter and he found it, ironically the letter was a prelude to ending this. She is a really good person who apparently was having a hard time in her marriage. They had problems way before any of this started. Im not sure if thats why she opened up to this relationship, or if there were other reasons.
He has been a gentleman throughout this entire ordeal. He has not told my wife, cause he doesn't want to break up our family, which i am obviously greatful for, but just makes me feel that much more horrible. His wife and my wife are very good friends, and as much as i don't want her to know for my own selfish reasons, i also would hate for her to feel uncomfortable in our neighborhood and lose one of her closest friends.
I know I am a complete scumbag, i never meant for things to go where they went. They are a beautiful family, and the thought of them falling apart because of me is tearing me up inside. I need to know if there is anything i could possibly do to make things better. The amount of self hate I have is enormous. Thank you for reading and any comments you may have, negative or positive.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

Your wife is going to find out. You better be the one to tell her.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

I actually want to tell her in some ways, its driving me insane. I just would hate to destroy the relationship she has with this woman if there is any possible way for us to make things work.,
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:15 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

Why are you expecting your wife to be friends with your OW?
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

So what's going on in your marriage? Why did you go to "greener" grass? Do you plan to keep this affair a secret from your wife?
I have a thousand hateful things to say about cheaters that keep their affairs secret...I'll think you'll find this forum filled with a similar perspective. But, alas...I will not throw stones.
What do you want from your marriage? Figure out what you want and be true to it from here forward. If you are interested in leaving because you want attention from other women, do it. Leave! If you want your marriage, work your butt off to save it from here forward. But remember this: trust is a foundation for any relationship.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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I actually want to tell her in some ways, its driving me insane. I just would hate to destroy the relationship she has with this woman if there is any possible way for us to make things work.,
There are no good options for you. You have about two options and they both suck:

1. Tell your wife about it.

2. Wait for your wife to find out about it from him or his wife.

I think #1 is the better option, it gives you the chance to at least appear honest to your wife. How is your wife going to feel when they are getting divorced, or your wife and his wife have a tiff, or when he gets upset with his wife, when SOMETHING goes wrong, and your wife is finally clued in. Three weeks from now, three months from now, three years from now? And YOU never said a word.

Pull the band-aid off and take the pain now, it will only be worse later.

Chances of three people keeping a secret? Want to hazard a guess as to how long three people who see each other every day can keep a secret from the fourth?
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:22 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

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Originally Posted by SaltInWound View Post
Your wife is going to find out. You better be the one to tell her.


No doubt about it. None at all. Suck it up and come clean. And when you do, be forthright about it. Full truth. Accept what she tells you to do. Apologize on your knees. Tell her you will give up alcohol, make your phone etc available to her. NEVER speak to the OW again. You have work to do.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:22 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

Good poeple don't phuck around and cheat on there kids and spouse, so stop folling your self, SHE IS A BAD PERSON!!!!!!

As far as your concerned I suggest you find out why you lack the boundries to have a healthy commited relationship, maybe you have validation issues or maybe it self esteem issues along with intitlement issues...hell I don't know but you will be best served by going to individual counseling to learn the tools to affair proof your marriage.

In addition you can work with your shrink in how the best way to tell your old lady and face the consequences that one must face to prevent unhealthy behavior from continueing.


Once you can learn the tools to prevent this choice you made from happening again then maybe you can have a healthy marriage.

In short fix, your self before you can fix your marriage.

It been my experience that once you have the capacity to commit adultory it gets easier the next time around. So enles you grow up wanting to be a cheater and like the way your life is going then strat working on the problem, and that problem is understanding why you lack the boundries , self esteem, valitation, intitlement ..or what every the hell made you choose to betray your family!

Sweeping this under the rug won't help you in the future, you won't learn a damb thing, so face the consequences and learn.

Or screw it try to forget and then the next chick that comes around and takes your offer you can hate your self even more and hate the person you are becoming.

I used to hit my wife...I didn't like the person I became.

In your case I don't think you will like the person you will become if you bury this.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

@ Regga, I deserve the stones... I love my wife more than anything. We have always had somewhat of an odd relationship. We tried swinging a while back, have had a few "interesting" moments with other couples and she has in the past told me how the thought of me being intimate with another woman turns her on. But she runs hot and cold with these ideas where i am constantly running hot. She even gave me a hall pass with the exception of neighbors and friends, ironically i f***ed that up. I know she will forgive me, at least i hope she will forgive me, I just can't stand that this great relationship we had with our neighbors is now all messed up. I know its a confusing situation. I hate knowing how badly i hurt this guy.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:26 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

Quote:
I know I am a complete scumbag, i never meant for things to go where they went. They are a beautiful family, and the thought of them falling apart because of me is tearing me up inside. I need to know if there is anything i could possibly do to make things better.
Both you decided to cheat and didn't give a thought of the "beautiful Family" with your selfish actions. The only way to make things better is to be TRUTHFUL with your wife about the affair. It will be "better" for you to tell your wife then for her to find out from the husband. Don't expect him to be quiet to long because one day the anger and rage will make him change his mind. (Who could blame him, I know I would)

You will truly be the SCUMBAG if you don't tell your wife. Your an adult, a man, so take accountability for your ACTIONS. What will you tell your kids in the future when they make a drastic mistake?? Is it to live a deceitful life or be honest and own up to their mistakes????
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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There are no good options for you. You have about two options and they both suck:

1. Tell your wife about it.

2. Wait for your wife to find out about it from him or his wife.

I think #1 is the better option, it gives you the chance to at least appear honest to your wife. How is your wife going to feel when they are getting divorced, or your wife and his wife have a tiff, or when he gets upset with his wife, when SOMETHING goes wrong, and your wife is finally clued in. Three weeks from now, three months from now, three years from now? And YOU never said a word.

Pull the band-aid off and take the pain now, it will only be worse later.

Chances of three people keeping a secret? Want to hazard a guess as to how long three people who see each other every day can keep a secret from the fourth?
Guess what else? Your wife and his wife will no longer be friends. Your wife is not going to get over this if you live next door to her and have to see her every day. If you had the choice of moving or saving your marriage, which would you choose? How about your kids not being friends with her kids any longer? Is it more important for them to keep their friends or to grow up in a two-parent family? It's really not a choice, when you lose your marriage, you're probably going to have to move anyway and the kids won't be able to remain friends. Try to look at the big picture and keep things in perspective.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I actually want to tell her in some ways, its driving me insane. I just would hate to destroy the relationship she has with this woman if there is any possible way for us to make things work.,
Do you really think that this women really needs to be in your wifes life?

Dude this women is not the kind of person you need in your wifes life.

in my experience, you wife will start to hand=g out with thos POS women and before you know her and your wife will be picking up strange on their GNO.

Due your wife a favor and expose this women for what she reali is.... you know htis women, she is just like you!

And yet you worry about this so called "friendship"

Sorry my man but you are not doing your old lady any favors by letting her hang with this POS chick.

Why let your wife hang with a chick that has no moral compass what so ever.

Again this women is looking for a wing man and your wife is it. You just might get a taste of your own medicine....jsut give it a few years.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:29 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I have a boat load of issues, i drink, low self-esteem, and was diagnosed with depression for which i take medication. I'm not trying to make excuses, and I know I need help.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:30 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

The best stones casted are those of your own. You have a little voice inside you that will tell you what to do. Your conscience can lead you to the right direction. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better, but life is not about weathering the storm. It's learning how to dance in the rain.
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Old 02-19-2013, 11:35 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Got caught with the neighbors wife...

I may not beable to spell but I have been here long enought o see plenty of threads were loyal spouses always find out.
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