I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.
I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).
At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.
In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).
However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).
Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.
Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).
She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.
Thank you for reading through my ramblings.
I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
Wow, these stories never change in their utter cruelty. Your wife is a sow...plain and simple. Anything she says to you is only a "justification" for seeing the OM, they are not actual complaints. As soon as you clean up your act, she will find another reason to cheat, and try to find another lover while destroying your self-confidence and breaking your heart.
Unbelievable, she says you broke HER HEART, and that is the reason she gives for cheating. Just so typical from these crazy people who "groom" a spouse to be emotionally abused, just like pedophiles groom children. And I can read between the lines that you are blaming yourself, and falling all over yourself to please her, jump thru the hoops, only to have her change the criteria.
Prepare for a lot of pain from this crazyBTCH, sorry to say. Tell her you are going back to France, and plan on leaving, she does not deserve a husband. Very sorry you are in this position.
Few things are clear - The OM is not ready to leave his GF. So your wife is just a part-time job for him. This could be advantageous for you if you still want her back.
Expose the OM everywhere - his GF, his workplace, his circle. Then see how dramatically he runs away from your wife.
The OM doesn't work. Apart from a roommate and a girlfriend I am not sure if he has much of a social circle to be exposed to.
Why do people assume I am French? Posted via Mobile Device
So it's been a few days. I had become hopeful since she seemed to have cut off contact with the OM. At least I didn't see her contacting him as I did before. She was also acting like she was more willing to save our marriage.
She was supposed to be with her sister who lives a few hours from here for a few days because she had missed her birthday. I tried calling her and found her phone was turned off which is highly unusual for her. I then traced the phones last known location to a motel a good 15 miles from her sisters house.
I logged on her facebook account and found a conversation she had with an old co-worker where she stated she was starting a divorce.
At this point I just want to order a plane ticket and leave.
Do I have to stay in America for the divorce procedure?
You need to talk to a real lawyer. Sooner the better. As others have said, things can go pretty quickly, especially if there's no custody and limited assets to deal with.
Just go back home. She can file for divorce on grounds of abandonment. Cut your losses and chalk this up to experience. I'm very sorry this happened to you my friend. Posted via Mobile Device
It is in your best interest to stick around for minimum the drawing up of the papers. Perhaps you should seek a lawyer to protect yourself and to make sure this ends fairly.
Even if your wife hasn't started the divorce proceedings, you should. Your wife will always be a cheater no matter who she's with. If you can handle living with her, wait before you move and bring your dog home with you.
Never allow your wife(future wife) to cheat on you again or befriend those of the opposite sex. I don't see this too often where a man(or woman) is so forgiving of an affair. It's like you gave her permission to go ahead and cheat.
Why should he stick around and get nailed with some kind of alimony or some such nonsense? There's not a court in America that can garnish your wages or file any kind of lien against you that can be enforced if you go back home.
Nah. Call your family and tell them you're flying home. Let your WW do what she needs to do. Let her pay the money for the divorce. Let her mop up the mess she made. Why should you show her any consideration? Leave her and never look back. Posted via Mobile Device
Origin - 1200–50; Middle English cukeweld, later cok ( k ) ewold, cukwold < Anglo-French *cucuald (compare Middle French cucuault ), equivalent to Old French cocu cuckoo + -ald, -alt pejorative suffix (see ribald); apparently orig. applied to an adulterer, in allusion to the cuckoo's habit of laying its eggs in other birds' nests
You need a lawyer and you need to expose her to her friends and family. Tell them all you are dividing because she s cheating on you.
Name the guy she's doing it with and even name the hotel you traced her to. Don't tell them how you traced her, she'll. think you had a PI follow her.
I figured an "efficient" way to share the news with her family and friends would be to change her email and Facebook passwords and post it on her wall.
I never cared about the visa. America has its pro's and its con's I never cared much either way. I moved here for her and because she thought the winters were too cold in the Netherlands (not France!) where I lived to move there and she didn't speak the language.
I had a well paying job back in the Netherlands (and a standing job offer if I return).
I loved her very much and despite what happened I can't deny I still have significant feelings for her.
This is going to hurt for a long time.
I'm going to regret drinking this whisky on an empty stomach but it's too late now.
I think America was a better place having you, and I think your wayward wife is making the mistake of her life and one that she will bitterly regret once the fog lifts and she realizes what she lost.
Expose her to everyone in your circle, take out all the money in your savings, get on that plane and don't look back. Posted via Mobile Device
sorry about what happening FL84, i agree withchap, just get your stuff together and leave, dont tell her anything do the FB stuff right before you get on the plane, leave her a message on her FB as you are leaving telling her off and bye.
Don't really see how the location of the motel (they were too cheap to get a hotel) matters.
She's a spoiled California brat she can't survive in temperatures under 70 degrees.
Getting my stuff together will take a while. I have a lot to send over the mail. Not to mention things I simply can't take because of legal, size or electrical issues.
The location is just to show everyone you know what she is doing. It depends on what you want her family and friends think of you. If you just leave with out telling them why you are leaving, she is going to make you out to be a cruel, dangerous, lunatic.
I would not stand for this. You owe it to her parents to get on the phone now and tell them what she has/is doing.
You also need to let the OM's girlfriend what they are doing. You are not the only one with a part in their betrayals.
If you just run back to Europe they will make you out to be a monster. Defend your honor. Who knows their crap could end up following you back home.
Talk to a lawyer as soon as possible.
By the way, changing her passwords and exposaing her on FB isn't sinking low at all. Just tell the truth. You could not sink as low as those two in any event.
If you think they are together now let his girlfriend know. Of course, she may have more than one lover.
BTW, taking on the all the chores in your home just made you look like a needy, whiney b!tch. You really need to download MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER to undrestand that. Instead of being her man, you turned yourself into her maid. That dosen't mean you do not do any housework etc.
Read MMSLP now, if you do not make it in this relationship it will work freat in your future. It all boils down to biology.
Book Description
Publication Date: March 30, 2011
The author of the innovative sex and marriage blog "Married Man Sex Life" brings together his edgy and brilliant advice in a single volume primer delivering the motherload of substance. The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 cherry picks the best ideas of books like "The Mystery Method," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," and the volatile online world of the Pickup Artist a.k.a. "Game" community and merges them with a solid grounding in evolutionary psychology, sociology, biology and behavior modification. The result is a simple, effective plan for men to create sexually exciting marriages for themselves and their wives.
The opening covers the underlying ancient "hard-wired" biological and modern social reasons women find men attractive. Athol pulls no punches here and the sexual motivations of women are laid bare. Though rather than framing women as sexually devious and seeking to advantage themselves over men, he explains how their sexual behavior is entirely rational in nature and once understood as such, it becomes very useful information.
The second part of the book takes the framework developed in the first part and offers a wealth of tools to put it to practical use. The most important tool is The Male Action Plan, which charges the husband with the task of becoming a better, sexier man and thereby leveraging his increased attractiveness for a better sex life with his wife. As Athol says, "whoever is the most attractive in the relationship is in charge."
I have been tracking her phone. He is the only one.
She doesn't know if she will stay with him.
I talked to her sister and said my goodbye. Also told the sister I forgive her for hiding the fact she brought him there with her.
Told my brother in law thanks for not allowing him to stay at their house.
Her parents have had one awful daughter to deal with. Not sure I want to pile on a second one right now. Either way they'll forgive her I'm sure. They always have gone easy on her (compared to the other two)
Not doing anything big today. As I said earlier I am going to be licking my wounds and talk to people who care.
I still don't think you need to waste your money on a lawyer. Why do you care what her friends and family think of you? You've exposed her to them and said your peace. If the choose to coddle her and support her bad behavior then a pox on all of them.
Get your affairs in order and fly home. Let her spend the money on divorce. Posted via Mobile Device
If I recall the women in the Netherlands are hot. Find you a nice girl and start living your life. Forget you ever met Miss California. Posted via Mobile Device
You can find beautiful women in any country. I wasn't worried about that. Thanks though.
In fact I would like to thank all of you for your advice and support throughout all this.
Another issue right now is that she will be returning home tomorrow morning.
Any ideas on how to handle that awkward situation?
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