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Have i lost my wife?

56K views 236 replies 47 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
 
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#63 ·
Ignore her. Let her see you packing. You have said all there is to say. And she gave you her answer.
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#68 ·
Told her I would be leaving when I talked to her on the phone this morning.
Told her younger sister after I came back from the job interview I had today (it was the first American company to offer me a chance at an interview I felt obliged to go and explained to them what was going on and that I would not be taking the job).
Didn't talk to the older sister. I'm not that close to that one. It's the black sheep of the family even though she is finally getting her act together. She messed up two kids getting to where she is today.
 
#69 ·
FL84, do you think your wayward wife married you as a"trophy husband"? For the social benefit of showing you off to her friends and family? Then once the novelty wore off and you and her settled down to real marriage she realized she never truly loved you?

Is that what may have happened?
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#70 ·
I doubt that's what happened.
The first time we met she didn't know much about me, but she fell head over heels in love with me. That said she had just come out of a relationship and has never been in a relationship with someone that didn't cheat on her (before me).
The scariest thing in my life was when she kept telling me how perfect I was. I have always known I am not perfect and would never claim to be. I have plenty of good qualities but they appeared wasted on her in the end.
 
#85 ·
I doubt that's what happened.
The first time we met she didn't know much about me, but she fell head over heels in love with me.

Of course... you were a European knight in shining armor. You swept her off her feet. She was infatuated with you.

That said she had just come out of a relationship and has never been in a relationship with someone that didn't cheat on her (before me).

Did you ever ask her if she cheated on any of her past partners?

The scariest thing in my life was when she kept telling me how perfect I was.

See your wife is a romantic, and a shallow romantic at that. You were this exotic foreigner who she worshipped, but then you made the mistake of getting homesick and lapsing into depression. That and employment problems tainted that perfect, and completely unrealistic, image she had created in her mind of who you were.

I have always known I am not perfect and would never claim to be. I have plenty of good qualities but they appeared wasted on her in the end.

But what you percieve as your good qualities didn't mesh with what she values as good qualities. The OM has all the good qualities now. You are yesterday's novelty.
I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. I really do believe this is how she thinks.
 
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#72 ·
You should talk to an attorney before you leave. What if she doesn't divorce you? All her debts she rings up will be yours. IDK how tha may follow you but now days, with the ineternet anything is possible.

Her parents deserve the truth from your lips. You are not the one hurting them. Hard to believe how many betrayed spouses fo not get this. Surely it is not right to let her tell them lies about you.
 
#74 ·
Only thing I will say is if you've told her you will do something, please follow through with it. If by any chance she comes home begging for a second chance with tears and promises, don't back out after already telling her you were leaving.
 
#89 ·
You want to keep it that way. And don't underestimate how much entities will come after you for money. Recently the IRS was shaking down expats for huge amounts, saying they were supposed to continue filing income tax in the States for all the years they had been away. Totally out of the blue for most of them. Take the time to properly sever the legal relationship.
 
#77 ·
You're handling this very well FeelingLost. And by the sound of it, you're feeling sad, but at least not lost anymore. That's stage 1 of moving forward, seeing where and what you want/need to do and doing it.

I'm going to also recommend talking to an attorney. The first visit is usually free. You could talk to a couple of them to get 2 hours worth of free counsel. But this way you know what you should do. You don't want to be sitting home on a "Cold Winter's Night" LOL with your new (and wonderful) woman and you get a phone call about your "wife" back in the states, because she never did anything about your "situation".
 
#78 ·
Right now summer is coming.
Suppose I have that to look forwards to.
Practicing tricks with my dog in the park always did attract the ladies.

Can't say I don't feel lost anymore. I might have a sense of what direction I am headed, but it still feels a long way away with considerable obstacles.
Meanwhile I am in a relatively strange country with few true friends in close proximity.
 
#79 ·
good for you feeling!! you are handling this better than most would have (including myself) i agree with most people here when she comes home tomorrow be packing if she tries talking to you give her the are you joking look and then keep packing and ignore her. you life can only get better from here, hang in there!
 
#80 ·
Can you take your dog back with you? Does s/he have to go through quarantine?
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#82 ·
It has been coming I suppose I had some time to prepare.
Don't mistake my current state with doing alright.
I have been sick and the coughing has kept me from sleeping much the last few days. Did not sleep at all last night.
Took energy shots to get through the interview and medicine to keep my throat from hurting. Had whisky when I came home from the interview and I think it is fair to say that despite having had a chance to prepare this still shocked me.

At one point she texted me she was starting to "like" the idea of marriage counseling and a future with me. But I stopped responding to her before that.

All I know is that she is roughly 5 hours away with another guy who has surely been comforting her in the sobbing state I last heard her in on the phone and has made no attempt at returning home in the last 4 hours.
 
#83 ·
OK well maybe don't keep doing what you're doing if you're mixing drugs and alcohol. That's not good.

Her texting you that she likes the idea of MC is her way of trying to keep you around as plan B.

Have a nap. Do you know what the 180 is?
 
#84 ·
Don't have time for a nap, I was sent a drinking buddy who will drop by after he finishes work. They wouldn't take no for an answer.

Not worried about the drugs they were 2 advils and some throat spray.
Just had the 1 glass of whisky and am starting to feel sober.
Got someone coming over who will try to pour more whisky into me though but I wasn't planning on that.
I'll figure out how to deal with that when he gets here.

If it would stop raining I would be inclined to head to the dogpark but that doesn't seem likely.
 
#87 ·
Sounds like a tough spot you are dealing with. The whiskey isn't helping your physical or mental condition, but on the contrary. Well, either way, a little raw apple cider vinegar should hurry the healing process.

Be prepared for the crying, the minimizing, the justifying. Most WS "eat cake" and then ask for MC (marriage counseling). That is about the equivalent of an obese person saying "ok this is the last day before my diet, let me pig out one last time". Then, the diet never really is taken seriously, it never is enforced, it is not strict, and they relapse, sometimes becoming worse, compared to what they were before.

Keep to yourself and focus on your health.
Your wife has cheated on you way too early in your marriage.

Reconciliation is possible but it is so difficult and you have to get a job and have her be transparent and help her through her addiction to cheating with disgusting losers. Ultimately, she has to want to work for you, and if it isn't there, the remorse, repent, regret, the willingness to "fix it all", "start over" you will spend time in false reconciliation and find that you have been cheated on again and start your grieving process from the beginning again.
Its a difficult road from here on out if you try to R. You'll feel it, your instincts, deep down in your conscious you know the RIGHT answer.

Think with your mind now, not with your broken heart.
 
#90 ·
I saw this coming and I knew right from the start that this relationship was based or founded on a fantasy that has now collapsed. Well you have the lot of us here. You dropped your guard and so lost your shine before her. She lost interest and out of the window the love went.
Sorry you found yourself in such a place.
Do not let her play with your heart just let her go.
 
#91 ·
New guy ... also foreign. Australian this time, but already legally residing in the U.S.
She made it a point to specify this isn't about him and doesn't seem intent on staying with him.

I think she cheated once on her last boyfriend shortly before breaking up and meeting me. When I first met her she was having a big fight with her younger sister who found it outrageous she would cheat (yet now she was willing to keep it quiet for her). At the time I didn't know what the fight was about. I found out about that much later.

I think I mentioned before she runs away from pain rather than try and resolve a problem. I feel fairly confident that in a few months she will rethink her position.
Which is why I plan on severing all ties with her family and mutual friends.
It seems safer and less painful that way in the end.
 
#92 ·
New guy ... also foreign. Australian this time, but already legally residing in the U.S.
She made it a point to specify this isn't about him and doesn't seem intent on staying with him.

I think she cheated once on her last boyfriend shortly before breaking up and meeting me. When I first met her she was having a big fight with her younger sister who found it outrageous she would cheat (yet now she was willing to keep it quiet for her). At the time I didn't know what the fight was about. I found out about that much later.

I think I mentioned before she runs away from pain rather than try and resolve a problem. I feel fairly confident that in a few months she will rethink her position.
Which is why I plan on severing all ties with her family and mutual friends.
It seems safer and less painful that way in the end.
She's a keeper alright.
 
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