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Have i lost my wife?

56K views 236 replies 47 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
 
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#96 ·
Feelinglost I thought about it, since you got your stay to live in America, if you like it there, you would stay, take on your job - hope you get it - and then see what happens. Life can sometimes surprise. What you have decided on following some goals through is a good idea but if you like it in America I would stay. Although I would personally return home - you will heal faster surrounded by your loved ones and friends.
 
#97 ·
I went to the job interview, but only to tell them I would not be taking the job because of my current situation.
They appreciated that I still came to the interview and actually said I could have the job if anything changed.

That said, a divorce would cost me my greencard. So even if I wanted to stay, I couldn't.
 
#98 ·
It is very much about the OM. She chose him over the marriage. She clearly intends more than a romp with him. She's lying to you because she fears he will dump her if you send grief his way.

Time to send grief his way. Make sure to name him on the email and fb when you post. Hopefully his gf is on fb and will see it.

Also post him and her on cheaterville,com, others need to be warned.

I'm thinking her other relationships ended because f cheating, but it really was her that cheated not them.
 
#99 ·
I'm thinking her other relationships ended because f cheating, but it really was her that cheated not them.
Could also just be that being cheated on repeatedly has taught her that this is acceptable behavior. Not saying your wrong, but lets not jump to conclusions. I mean, she's still a horrible person, but lets not assume she's always been this way.
 
#100 ·
Did she ever come home?
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#101 ·
She's on her way home now.
Don't think she cheated on previous boyfriends. That was mostly in her mid to late teens. I met her at 19 back in 2008. When I first met her she was having a huge fight with her sister. Years later I found out the fight was because my wife had cheated on her ex at the end of their relationship. At the time her sister was incredibly offended she could have done such a thing.
This is the same sister that was now going to hide the fact that my wife was committing adultery at her house.
 
#102 ·
Years later I found out the fight was because my wife had cheated on her ex at the end of their relationship. At the time her sister was incredibly offended she could have done such a thing.
This is the same sister that was now going to hide the fact that my wife was committing adultery at her house.
If this fight was bad enough, she may have felt it better to cover than have a relationship ending blow out. I am not saying it is right, it isn't, but just explaining why her angry sister may have changed.
Family makes you do irrational things.
 
#103 ·
So your SIL allowed your wife to entertain the OM at her residence?! Or did your wife take advantage of her and have the OM over when the sister was out?
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#105 ·
SIL had them over. BOL (currently stationed on the other side of the country for training) did not allow them to spend the night at the house which is why they went to a motel. SIL claimed she did not know they were having sex before they came out there.

Anyways she came home this morning and I spent a good hour yelling at her. Told her to call in "an adultering ****" to work because she was damn well going to sit there and listen to me.
She called in (said she was having big problems at home) and they said she either had to be in the hospital or get fired. She ended up going to work crying later so I guess I'll have to postpone the rest for a while.

Meanwhile this was the first day I was starting to feel better (Physically since I've been sick the past week) and went out to breakfast this morning and lunch later in the day. Tried eating some new things I hadn't tried before.
I figured if I'll be leaving soon I better make the most of it while I'm here and try some things I won't be likely to find in the Netherlands.

On that note I've been thinking of going to a shooting range and renting a gun for an hour or so. Might be a stress relief?
 
#106 ·
Rent a .44 magnum revolver and an Uzi submachine gun. Those will hook you on firearms for life.
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#107 ·
Don't intend to get hooked on firearms. That would be annoying.
It is extremely difficult to legally obtain a firearm in the Netherlands.
To own one you need a license. To obtain a license you need to:
Join a shooting range
Rent and shoot a BB gun for 3 months
Rent and shoot a real gun for 9 months
If you have clocked enough monthly hours at the club for the full year you may apply for a license
To apply you need the club president and a senior member to support your application
Pass a mental health exam
Pass a background check
Pass a police interview
Permit the police to inspect your home twice per year at random
Purchase one safe for the gun you intend to buy and a second safe for the ammo
After all this and passing the initial inspection of the place you intend to store the gun in you will get a license to own exactly one firearm. After one year you can apply for an extension to the license increasing it to allow you to own two firearms. And another the year after that and so forth.

You will lose the license if at any point in time you do not clock enough monthly hours at your shooting range.

But this is very off topic.
 
#108 ·
Yeah....hence the reason I would never live in Europe.

Rent a .44 magnum and take a shot. When you feel all that raw power exploding out of your hand.... You will be reborn.
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#109 ·
There's pro's and con's to any country.
In the Netherlands as stated it is very hard to own a firearm, taxes are very high and plenty of other stuff wrong.
But on the up side any full time job will get you 8-9 weeks paid vacation right off the start. It has been years since I've seen homeless people (The government started hiring them as security for train stations, shopping centers and things like that to counteract graffiti) and crime is very low.

If I insist on owning a firearm I'd move to Switserland. Government issues every 18 year old male a rifle after mandatory basic training and has yearly shooting festivities where the government pays for your ammo.

I know guns are a big and sensitive topic in the U.S. but it's not really what this forum is for.
I am just looking to try some new things right now. Particularly things I probably won't get to do back in the Netherlands.
I figured doing this will give me a chance for distraction and enjoyment in a difficult time.
 
#110 ·
If you wanna have some real fun before you leave, see if you can get a high powered rifle, and old washing machine(s) or dryer(s), and order some Tannerite. It's a legal explosive that can only be detonated by a rifle like a .243, 30.06, etc. Completely stable until that round passes through the mixture, then kaboom.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cxlx8TYWoKM

Tannerite Exploding Targets Official Website

You could spray paint the letters POSOM/STBXW on the front then fire. Guaranteed fun.

Trust me on this one. I blew an old Volkswagon up once with 40 lbs of the stuff. It was a wicked explosion. Wish I had taken a video of it.
 
#112 ·
.338 ammo is waaaaaaay too expensive. He's saving up for flying home...remember?
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#114 ·
The .338 Lapua is a badazz round indeed, but a little too much for a newbie. I'm interested to see what he tried out.
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#118 ·
Ok so today things blew up big time.

I'll spare you the details leading up to this, but last night I finally decided to go through with exposing her by posting it on her Facebook. Tagged the OM in the post as well.

He untagged himself some time this morning and I was told I was lucky he managed to do that before his girlfriend found it.

There was a lot of yelling and screaming where she wished I were dead or she would take my dogs and drop them off in the middle of nowhere and far more.

Her parents came to her defense (on Facebook) right away as was to be expected. They have always coddled her and that won't stop any time soon.

Financially it's a big mess. She is demanding she gets to keep everything. Threatened to call the cops on me as well. Not sure on what grounds, but oh well ...
She wants me to leave right away and says she will handle the divorce without me. I can only assume that is because if I leave she gets to keep everything and square things away any way she likes. If I stay for the divorce it would be a 50/50 split. She also threatened to take it to court because she has a FREE lawyer. The OM's best friend is a lawyer I guess.
This would turn into a huge mess for her since I have access to more than sufficient resources to hire my own lawyer. At this point the text messages I obtained over the past 2 months along with location data from her phone which I would assume suffice to show intent and opportunity (which are the 2 criteria here) to prove adultery. I also recorded several "conversations" today in which she admits to adultery.
Adultery in this state is punishable by a $1000 fine and up to 12 months in jail.
The jail time would likely ruin her career as a teacher.

To this point I feel so much love for my wife that I feel horrible about what has happened and what may happen if this continues. I don't want to ruin her but I can't let her get her way again and get rid of me in such a way.

Anyway ... BIG MESS!
 
#134 ·
Ok so today things blew up big time.

I'll spare you the details leading up to this, but last night I finally decided to go through with exposing her by posting it on her Facebook. Tagged the OM in the post as well.

He untagged himself some time this morning and I was told I was lucky he managed to do that before his girlfriend found it.

There was a lot of yelling and screaming where she wished I were dead or she would take my dogs and drop them off in the middle of nowhere and far more.

Her parents came to her defense (on Facebook) right away as was to be expected. They have always coddled her and that won't stop any time soon.

Financially it's a big mess. She is demanding she gets to keep everything. Threatened to call the cops on me as well. Not sure on what grounds, but oh well ...
She wants me to leave right away and says she will handle the divorce without me. I can only assume that is because if I leave she gets to keep everything and square things away any way she likes. If I stay for the divorce it would be a 50/50 split. She also threatened to take it to court because she has a FREE lawyer. The OM's best friend is a lawyer I guess.
This would turn into a huge mess for her since I have access to more than sufficient resources to hire my own lawyer. At this point the text messages I obtained over the past 2 months along with location data from her phone which I would assume suffice to show intent and opportunity (which are the 2 criteria here) to prove adultery. I also recorded several "conversations" today in which she admits to adultery.
Adultery in this state is punishable by a $1000 fine and up to 12 months in jail.
The jail time would likely ruin her career as a teacher.

To this point I feel so much love for my wife that I feel horrible about what has happened and what may happen if this continues. I don't want to ruin her but I can't let her get her way again and get rid of me in such a way.

Anyway ... BIG MESS!
Bravo!! Well done!!

Who cares what she wants ? She needs to grow up and take responsibility for what she did to you. Don't enable her out of love like her parents did...

She needs to know that there will be consequences when you betray people who trusted and loved you and treat them like sh!t. Let her learn. Next time she will be careful before she ruins someone's life on a whim or infatuation
 
#122 ·
Ya they hate the exposure. You played it right though.

I'd find a way to contact the OM's girlfriend directly.

Make sure everytime you're around her you have a recorder on you and that she doesn't know about it.
Most definitely.
 
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#125 ·
I can't help how I feel. I have known her since July 2007 and been romantically involved with her since July 2008.
That is a lot more time than I have spent in this current situation with her.
I have no intention of blowing anything up.
I do not currently have a lawyer. Still hoping to avoid needing one. The threat of this going to court is hopefully enough for her to handle this somewhat fair.
 
#131 ·
Yep, PM me as well with some info and I'll do the same for you.
 
#130 ·
Several people at her work already know. They gossip the rest should know soon enough as well.
I know the apartment complex he lives in but not the actual apartment. I don't know the name of his girlfriend or what she looks like. And I don't have time to stand around his apartment complex to find out.

Time is relatively short. I must leave before May due to flight restrictions on dogs during the summer. I hope to work this out and leave within 2 weeks. The sooner the better.

Once I sign papers do I need to stay in the country for the rest of the divorce proceedings?
 
#132 ·
As I said I don't know the girlfriends name. The OM is in Atlanta, Georgia. If you can find out who his girlfriend is from there feel free to let me (or her) know.

I don't expect the OM to stay with my (soon to be ex) wife. I can't imagine she does either considering he has a girlfriend and is having sex with a married woman. It's just not relationship material.
 
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