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Have i lost my wife?

56K views 236 replies 47 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
 
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#133 ·
Send a formal complaint to her workplace with your name and signature. Gossips are gossips, nothing more.

Can you ask OM's family/friends on who his gf his? Most wouldn't answer but if you're lucky you might get a few responses.

The need to show up at court depends on your state. Consult a lawyer on it, as most have free first consultations.
 
#139 · (Edited)
He just looks like one of those little snide pricks that I would love to just take a giant dump on. The Mr. Wonderful, gather unto me which is mine, I can do no wrong type of man-twat.
 
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#141 ·
But in latest news he is now coming up pretty high on Google Search
"Originally Posted by FeelingLost84 As I said I don't know the girlfriends name. The OM is in Atlanta, Georgia. If you can find out ...
Oh... dear.

Apparently he is something to do with a Rugby club in Atlanta.

I have a horrible idea this will get to the attention of his poor, abused girl friend before too long.
 
#142 · (Edited)
But in latest news ######## is now coming up pretty high on Google Search

Oh... dear.

Apparently he is something to do with a Rugby club in Atlanta.

I have a horrible idea this will get to the attention of his poor, abused girl friend before too long.
If you'll notice, this prick "seems" to have something to do with many clubs and associations.

My guess is he's just a smooth talking player prick.
 
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#149 ·
The battle lines have been drawn. She is your enemy. She is tearing you into pieces and wants you ruined. How can you LOVE that person??????? How can you feel anything other than resentment, pure hatred for that person. That is one thing I need someone to explain to me. I would really like to know.
 
#153 · (Edited)
There is no court in the US who's jurisdiction extends to Holland. They cannot enforce any judgements against you if you move back home.

Let her pay the money for the divorce and go through the headache of an ex parte process. She deserves no help from you. Go home to the people who love you.
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#175 ·
I'd ask her if she can give you any references. Those reviews are bad but there are only a handful. And I imagine when things don't go someone's way in court the lawyer makes an easy target.
 
#169 ·
And the roller coaster continues ...
She came to me crying today, begging to try counseling and other things I suggested weeks ago.
Now she is saying she doesn't want to lose me (again ... this is the second time in a little less than 2 weeks time).
She tried making me dinner and make friendly conversation ...
 
#172 ·
Hmmm, isn't this the same woman that threatened to have you deported last night?

Is OM still in the picture? LOL...what am I asking? Of course he is.

Massive entitled cake eater here.
 
#177 ·
That's pretty much par for the course. She is out of control. You need to focus on yourself, and doing what you need to do. Keep calm and carry on preparing to leave.

Think about your future. Do you want to carry on with her? Can you forgive her? Should you? (ima give you an opinion on this one, NO! You have very little (relatively) invested in this relationship, this is not easy to overcome, and really, what message do you give her? **** me over, I'll be mad, but still take you back anyway.)

Keep detaching, get your affairs (so to speak) in order, look after it yourself, you cannot trust her to do it, and move on with your life. Maybe read Married Man's Sex Life Primer and open your eyes for the next go around.
 
#179 ·
Yeah the reviews on the lawyer really are bad. The lawyer's own website has been down since my friend gave me the number. I'll check on that again on Monday. Going to see my friend tomorrow and I'll ask her about references.

Yes she has admitted to it being physical (and unprotected).

Yeah, the OM is still in the picture. Just yesterday I got another look at her phone. They were talking about how happy they were that I'd be one in a few weeks.
Also I guess the point where I posted about the affair on her Facebook and tagged him seems to have upset him. He stated he wants to punch me.
 
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