Hey all,
I am looking for advice and maybe support.
I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.
I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).
At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.
In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).
However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).
Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.
Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).
She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.
Thank you for reading through my ramblings.
I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
I am looking for advice and maybe support.
I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.
I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).
At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.
In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).
However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).
Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.
Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).
She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.
Thank you for reading through my ramblings.
I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.