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Have i lost my wife?

56K views 236 replies 47 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
 
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#227 ·
Feelinglost

I understand the pain your going through. Trust me it will make you stronger to see how despicable this person you thought loved you can be.

My wife got an apartment with the OM before I even went to the lawyers office. For the last 3 months she been taking my youngest to be with her and the OM at the apartment.

It is amazing how some people were raised to have no remorse or respect for another human being. But sadly this is the true person your seeing. This is the person your wife tried to hide from you when you met and dated.

I understand you love the dogs as I just about had several dogs all my life growing up. I have one now as well for my kids, but without a doubt if that is what holding you up. I would have fvcking cut them loose and moved on with my life. But I understand either way.

No words I say can magically make you feel better. All I can say is it does get better, you just need to have the patience to see it all through..
 
#233 ·
If he's determined to leave his wife and she's as crazy as he's been claiming he should save all the evidence and expose to her when he's halfway out the door.
 
#236 ·
So dude lives with his girlfriend and bangs your lady and you sit idly by
A) letting it happen (yes you're leaving but you're still allowing it to happen)
B) Does this poor woman know what her man is doing? Most likely having sex with your wife then going home to her? Have you told her?
 
#237 ·
I feel for you.... You need to take back control of your own life since you WW totally controls you and it must suck. The girlfriend needs to know the truth, it might not matter to you, but the girl deserves at least a chance.

If you took back control, kicked her out, filed (unless you already have), exposed the affair, go dark or show strength when dealing with her.... You could at least start to heal and your W could feel some of the anxiety that she is forcing on you.

I still haven't seen one BS who started to gain self confidence and stop acting afraid regret it.

I haven't read through your whole thread so if you haven't seen a lawyer do so.... Not to be mean but get a backbone and start enjoying life again.... Good luck to you!!
 
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