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Have i lost my wife?

56K views 236 replies 47 participants last post by  The bishop 
#1 ·
Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I posted this message in the anxiety/depression forums because it seemed most fitting for what caused my problems.
What keeps coming up however is the OM issue. Therefore I thought it best I re-post the message here.
I am aware it appears naive, but I do still believe my wife has not yet had sexual contact with the OM.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me.
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again.
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more.
This is an issue she knows she has.
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.
 
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#2 ·
She IS cheating on you (EA if not PA) and will absolutely not be available for you emotionally until she breaks it off with this other guy.
You are about to get the, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' speech. Read up the 180 on the forums here, order a No Contact (NC) with the other guy.
 
#3 ·
Already had the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. It was merged into the "You broke my heart" speech.

Since then she told the OM she wasn't going to see him anymore (but insisted on continued communication through computer/phone), shifted back and forth several times on how she is feeling, been at a point where she was going to break contact with the OM completely, gone to see the OM behind my back, came to believe our marriage was worth saving while I took care of her the past few days when she was sick and went back out to see the OM again as soon as she felt well enough (yesterday).
Today we went out to lunch before she had to start work and I will be picking her up from her work in about 90 minutes.
 
#4 ·
If the reason she gave you ,it is all she gives..Then leave her.
Born American has a hard time getting a jobb.What made her think
it would be easy for you..

There is a statistic in the US that says 145k collage student´s works as janitor´s..(Nothing wrong with that job) Just to give you one idea..And she cheats on you WTF
 
#6 ·
Really sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is already emotionally attached to this other man and there is a very good chance she has slept with him. You not thinking so means nothing. So many others on here have been through this and will attest to the fact that their image of their wives was false.

With all that said, even if she is not sleeping with him, she is attaching herself to him while pulling away from you.

There is a very specific mindset that you must get into immediately if you are to come out of this on top. That is, YOU WILL NOT TOLERATE HER CHEATING. AT ALL. you must DEMAND no contact. If she refuses then you are done. Throw it back on her. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. Do not become a cuckold.

do not beg her or cry or plead with her. Stop trying to cater to her every whim in order for her not to leave you. YOU have value too yo know. You must make her feel that SHE is losing YOU if she doesn't get her act together.
 
#7 ·
She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.
MC is useless while OM is in the picture. Useless. Even MC will tell you so.
The marriage has no chance.
She must go NC (no contact) for good, give him up at her heart and get past the withdrawal.
 
#9 ·
In all honesty what I WANT is to wake up in the morning and realize it was all a bad dream.

Realistically: I would want her to open up to me again, break all contact with the OM and focus on us.
Either get her to accept I have dedicated myself to find a job here and finally got an interview set up (I despise the impersonal way applications work here. This will be my first human contact other than dismissive responses to follow up phone calls.)
Or to have her come back to Europe with me (which just over a week ago she was willing to do). This however would include her having to learn a new language and deal with the "cold" winters.

May still sound somewhat "dreamy", but you asked what I wanted.
 
#11 ·
Nothing wrong with dreamy and theres no need to be apologetic, we've all been there my friend and we know that right now your head is probably spinning in several different directions.
 
#12 ·
I have seen this term around a few times, but am not familiar with it.
Could someone explain to me what "cuckold" means?

At this point moving back to Europe by myself would mean a significant hit in finances based on what I would have to leave behind.
There is some stress as to a departure date since I refuse to leave without my dog (who moved to the U.S. with me) and airlines refusing to fly animals during the warmer months of the year.
I would either have to get this over with and accept my losses (emotionally and financially) and leave or endure here until September and take my time sorting everything.
 
#16 ·
No, that's what's called a "Wittol." The precise definition of a cuckold is a guy who is unknowingly raising some other guy's bastard, wrongly thinking it's his own kid. Dale on "King of the Hill" is a cuckold. Over time, cuckold has come to mean any guy who is ignorant that his wife is fvcking around on him.
 
#18 ·
Is she still having sex with you? Because she is having sex with someone.
It will be a great big red flag if she is denying you intimacy. Her mysterious sickness is sure to surface every time it's bedtime. And if she isn't sick - then there will be a 'falling out' that prevents it.

Cut your losses. Will you lose your green card if you divorce or separate?
 
#23 ·
I know alcohol is not the answer and I have never used it as such.in
fact until recently I never drank at all because I hate the taste of beer and figured I wouldn't like the rest either. But I found whisky to be pretty good and somewhat relaxing when I tried it a few months ago. I figured I could use a little relaxing this weekend and I don't think 1 bottle can do much harm.
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#25 ·
Why not ask you wife to accompany you to go and see her OM's live in girl friend?

She is cheating on you because "you broke her heart":rolleyes: but you should ask her to tell the OM's live in girl friend why she is cheating on her?

What has OM's girl friend ever done to cross your wife, so that she feels comfortable with making her into her very own cuckquean?

Of course, if OM's girl friend is unaware that your wife has turned her into her and the OM's cuckquean, well, stand back, as there could be a rather nasty fight.
 
#28 ·
I hate these cross continental marriages. They are often built on shaky ground and when they end they are often messy. What would you do if you had children and then things got worse and you decided to return to Europe? How would u share custody? You have got to look really hard at this going forward. You may want to fight for it now but what if she does not change. Are u willing to put up with this in years to come. You dont have your family around you for support. It is very risky business. Stop drinking. Thats how alcholism starts. Return home and find a less risky woman surrounded by your loved ones. Dont bring her over coz tables will only turn and she ll blame u. She is not a woman of character and will not endure hardships of being in a new country plus a foreign language. Big decision you got to make.
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#29 ·
H

She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet.
I found out however she went to go see him again.

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it.
Looks like she's not ambivalent at all about what she feels for you.
I can see from your post that you love her. The sad thing is that it doesn't matter how you feel about her. It doesn’t matter what she says about what happened. The only important point is how she feels about you and it appears that she doesn't want to be with you. It looks like you’re out .
 
#30 ·
I appreciate the concern for my well being, but I feel well in control of my own body. In fact it is the one thing I do feel in control of.
Tonight I have had about 4 fingers of whisky and that is where I stopped.
I am well aware of the risk imposed by mind influencing substances.
I have downed 1 bottle of whisky in my lifetime, which I emptied some time ago and have felt a small desire, yet no reason to replace.
Tonight the desire was larger and there was some reason to it as well.

I have had a short conversation with my wife (she is still recovering from sickness, was tired and needs to be up early for work in the morning).
I have not yet gone over things in great detail, but I have made obvious I will be filing for divorce within a week if she does not stop contact with the OM.
She brought up moving back to the west coast (after immigrating here we moved to the east coast together). Back in the west coast she was happier with her job perspectives and her family being close which she says, is part of why she has been unhappy.
She is "considering" breaking contact with the OM at this point and mentioned she has considered doing so before, but had not thought through the reasons for it.
Our lease here will be up in June, so if we stay together and move back to the west coast that is probably when it would happen.

Meanwhile the OM is roughly 17 miles away from where we live.

I still have hope this will work out.
Before making any major decisions I will await a more clear answer on her part, or at least a clear head on mine. I am not used to alcohol and though I am a 200 pound male in excellent health (I was told this by the doctor examining me for immigration approval which covers physical health only. Mentally I am in turmoil.) and feel quite capable of most tasks I would not trust myself with operating a vehicle, power tools or major life decisions at this point. Right now I am merely appreciating the minor numbing the alcohol has provided.

During our talk my wife spent most her time looking/playing with her engagement ring commenting on its beauty/perfection.
Not sure if I should attribute any significance to this, but as I said ... I still have hope ... and the alcohol probably doesn't hurt for that.
 
#31 ·
She is "considering" breaking contact with the OM at this point
You told her this is totally unacceptable, right?? This has GOT to be a NON NEGOTIABLE thing. And you do not just take her word for it either. You get confirmation she sent a nc letter, and you check up on her afterwards to see that she follows through.

During our talk my wife spent most her time looking/playing with her engagement ring commenting on its beauty/perfection.
Not sure if I should attribute any significance to this
She's manipulating you. She's doing this because she knows you will put importance on it. Who cares what her engagement ring looks like??? She obviously doesn't, or she'd be pleading with you not to divorce her.

She is NOT remorseful at all. Not in the least. Read the part about true remorse again. She isn't showing it.
 
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