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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#2 ·
What you need to do is take all your money and put it in accounts where she cannot access it, cancel all your credit cards and all this.
Then see a lawyer and start the process of divorce. Don't leave your home. Keep moving toward divorce until you either become divorced or your wife commits 100% to your marriage.

I have to tell you that you are making a very serious mistake by tolerating your wife having a boyfriend in your marriage. And doing anything other than divorcing her is tolerating it.

Remember divorce is a process not an event.
 
#3 ·
:iagree:

Whether you're aiming for R or D, this is the best strategy you could follow. You've already messed up by trying to rugsweep the affair. You've established yourself as a doormat and she knows it. Throw her out and let her see what she's lost. After a few months, when she comes crawling back, you can let her know what YOU need to even consider taking her back.
 
#5 ·
Good start with the exposure, you just chose to give her trust when she didn't deserve it.

Now for the future.

1. Cut off her access to money. Cancel joint credit cards, stop your pay going into any joint accounts etc.

2. More exposure. Post the OM on cheaterville.com

3. Post details of the OM on Facebook and in an email to friends and family, and to his friends and family.

4. File for D to let her know you are serious. See she doesn't think you are serious because she IS fully getting away with it. You are upset, you are her go to MC, but she's still fully in the affair. She is fully getting away with having sex and then coming home, using your money on this guy and then coming home.

Cut off the money
Stop accepting her coming home so nicely.
While you can't kick her out of your home, you can pack her bag and drop it off at the front door of the OM next time and every time she goes to him.
You can collect. The lingerie and sexy clothes she wears for him and throw then in the garbage.

The only time you made any progress us when you stood up to her. Then you stopped and she happily became a blatant cake eater.

Also, stop the MC completely until the OMs gone. It's a total waste of money. She has no intention of fixing the marriage. None at all. Her focus is giving sex to the OM, and MC is just like school detention to her, just the price she pays to get to continue cheating on you.

Oh, and if you are still having sex with her, stop immediately. Do you really want to have sloppy seconds?
 
#6 ·
The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.

All I can say is why in the world would you even want her back at this point ?

I would start D ASAP. IMO, her behavior is so terrible that anything else just doesn't make sense.

Your children need to see their father be a strong man who does not tolerate being a doormat for a cheating Wife.
 
#8 ·
Hicks gives good advice, you should follow it. Until you show her that you're not going to tolerate it anymore nothing is going to change. You can possibly shock her out of the affair and back into reality by filing for a divorce (you dont have to follow through if she does a 180) but let her know you are done with the way things have been and you're not going to tolerate it anymore. And separate your finances, you are financing her affair!
 
#11 ·
You need to take some firm steps to pull your wife out of the fog.

Tell her to get an STD test and you get the results. Get yourself tested as well

File for D and have her served (you do not have to go all the way with it)

Tell her to give you her phone to review right now, demand all usernames and passwords for everything now.

I know this is the hard part but if she says no to any of this tell her to get the F out, I know you have kids but she has already left you and the kids

Expose the A to her family and your friends. Does the POS have a wife or GF? Let them know

Read the 180 and get it started
 
#14 ·
Stop allowing her to spend your money on the POSOM.
Stop focusing on giving your wife more attention and all that 'relationship-y' crap.
Stop being so tolerant.
Your behavior and actions so far have been weak. Did you know women despise weak men?

She needs a huge jolt. Like you filing for divorce. That's a strong, decisive action. She'll respect you more for that than you allowing her to be with POSOM.

And I agree with others...post that POSOM to Cheaterville NOW.
 
#15 ·
dude if you don't protect your family finacially your WW drive you into the poor house.

You need to turn her cell off and find out who this OM is and contact his family and expose it.

What part of the family knows about the affair?

When exposing to other always ask for thier support in the marriage.

You need to start making this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

Start by confronting her each and every time she is incontact with OM infront of you. Walk up to her and tell her to take this convdersation over to the OM house and inform her that her leaving will be considered abanddonment and she will need to stay with the OM.....do this when she is on the phone with OM...let him hear that she is now cut off and she is the OM problem.

your wife and the OM are taking you for a ride so stop tolorating it and have the confidence to let her go.

I have a feeling that once she is cut off from you and now the OM has this ball and chain he will dumb her.

So take everything, her phone her car, and let the OM have her. Once you find the OM and were he lives, you should drive your wife over there and tell her to get out( tell her you are both going to the store she won't need her keys)...She may not get out of the car, but it is a strong statement that will show her that being with the OM will leave her with nothing.

In addittion just knowing that you now know were the OM lives will scare the crap out of both of them.

So do your research make your plan and work the plan.

Your plan should include know your enemy, exposure, tough love, and the perception of being able to let her go.

All these tactic may sound like you are giving her to the OM, but when you show her the confidence you in no longer tolorating her crap she will start to seriously think about what she is about to loose.
Hell once you find out more about the OM and were he leaves, tell the family you are all going to the store, then drop them all off at the OM house.

Again a tactic that will show her the reality of her current actions...and the baggage the OM is in for.

Make no mistake, I'm not suggesting you drop them off with a boozer, but the visuel statement that your wifes fantasy will have consequenses if it continues.

Her sitting in the car looking at her family infront of OM house would have a strong impact on her new reality.

See this tactic bring this fantasy she hase to reality and it show the OM that there is more here then banging some married chick...that this married chick has kids and a family.

I have a feeling the OM lives close by....typically the OM lives hours and mile away, but since I believe he is close, this tactic will shine a reality on tho her fantasy.

Again not suggesting you drop your whole family off but pulling up to OM place will make a strong statement!
 
#19 ·
:iagree:

Even though this gear is not to catch her....she is already caught, this gear will keep you two steps ahead of the WW and if or when she makes a commitment to stopping all contact with OM these tyoes of spy gear will confirm or unconfirm what she is telling you versus her actions.
 
#18 ·
I went through this crap 3 years ago...you can't nice your way out, you can't control your wayward wife, but you can stop tolorating this behavior by calmly letting the wayward go with tough love and swift consequences.

I mean we can make accuse after accuse about why she needs money or has to have a cell phone, or why they need car insurance...but thats why it called tough love....its tougher on the one that has to dish ot out then the one that has to recieve it.

Start making this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable
 
#20 ·
Next time she asks for money, tell her know and that you're saving for a DNA test to establish paternity since she has proven untrustworthy. Tell her if she objects/refuses you will get a court order. That alone will most likely make her think twice when she asks for $$$ once you cut her off.

Cancel the phone and tell to carry it since it's still good for '911' calls.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#24 ·
You should sit her down and tell her - that after thoughtful consideration, I am not willing to live in an open marriage. You have 5 minutes to decide whether it's him or me. If you can't decide, I'll take that as it's him, and I'll be proceeding with divorce paperwork. No MC, straight to divorce. Then do the 180 on her (find the link).

Assuming she can't or won't decide, do exactly what you tell her you're going to do. See an attorney and get things rolling. If she does turn around and agrees to all the things that you demand, either now or later, you can always stop the divorce. If that happens, check back here for further advice on what actions a remorseful spouse should "demonstrate" and what you should do to monitor her.

All that's assuming you still want to R now or later. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you didn't.
 
#28 ·
She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad.
Blameshifting right from the start. It wouldn't have happened if you hadn't of made her mad...right? Instead of owning up to it, and that she was LOOKING FOR AN EXCUSE to screw this guy, she puts it on you. And guaranteed, THAT night was NOT the first night she did him.

So take everything, her phone her car, and let the OM have her. Once you find the OM and were he lives, you should drive your wife over there and tell her to get out( tell her you are both going to the store she won't need her keys)...She may not get out of the car, but it is a strong statement that will show her that being with the OM will leave her with nothing.

In addittion just knowing that you now know were the OM lives will scare the crap out of both of them.

So do your research make your plan and work the plan.

Your plan should include know your enemy, exposure, tough love, and the perception of being able to let her go.

All these tactic may sound like you are giving her to the OM, but when you show her the confidence you in no longer tolorating her crap she will start to seriously think about what she is about to loose.
Hell once you find out more about the OM and were he leaves, tell the family you are all going to the store, then drop them all off at the OM house.

Again a tactic that will show her the reality of her current actions...and the baggage the OM is in for.
This. Stop enabling her. Stop showing her you think so low of yourself that you'll tolerate this. "Give her" to the OM, and let their fantasy world come crashing down around them.

If I was her, I wouldn't stop banging the OM either. You've given her no reason to stop. She's "cake eating", with your blessing. She has the best of both worlds...someone to take care of her financially, support her in daily "messy life", and someone else to take care of her excitement, sexual, and romantic needs. And you're allowing it.
 
#31 · (Edited)
Nevermind the fact she left me high and dry on Valentine's night.

Well, at this point, I'm jaded, weakened, and weary. Any further energy spent will not be on saving this marriage. I've let this go on for three months. I've been spit on, this marriage has been spit on, the children have been spit on, and my work ethic has been spit on.

What I need to know now, is, even though the affair is so blatant and put right in front of me, what kind of concrete evidence will I need? I don't have much. And I'm afraid if I throw out my desire for a divorce now, what if she ends it with this guy? I just want to make sure I make the right moves in the right order.

Does this make sense?
 
#33 ·
What I need to know now, is, even though the affair is so blatant and put right in front of me, what kind of concrete evidence will I need? I don't have much. And I'm afraid if I throw out my desire for a divorce now, what if she ends it with this guy? I just want to make sure I make the right moves in the right order.

Does this make sense?
You don't need evidence for an A to get a D, most states don't care.

You have been enabling the affair all this time and she will stay like this forever until you do something. If/When she tell her you want a D and file she will make all kinds of promises to end the A but she won't actually do it until the D become real to her (and maybe not even then). She is not going to walk away from the OM on her own.

No more Mr. Nice Guy, you need to put your foot down and prepare to be an a-hole to her if need be. Let her know R is not an option (whether you want it or not, you have to make her change your mind) anymore. Ironically the more you try to get away from her to more she will try to pursue you. Being "nice" to her at this stage repulses her.

tl;dr: She will most likely end the A when you try to end the M.
 
#36 ·
Okay I'm still confused. You KNOW she was having an affair. What do you need evidence for??? "Awhile back she said she'd admit to it." Which means there's something to admit to. So I ask again, what do you need evidence for???

Sorry but it sounds like she still has you playing worthless games.


Also you can file for divorce and try getting evidence at the same time.
 
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