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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#45 ·
If you are truely ready to just get a divorce then get a divorce.

Don't tell her what you are doing.. some people have already given you the step...

Either find a relative who will let you store things at their place or rent a small storage unit. I'll call this your safe place. Get a PO box.

Go open bank accounts in your name only. Use the relative's address or your PO Box as the address for this. If your pay is auto deposited fill out the papers at work to have it go to your new account.

Interview attornies, find one you like and file for divorce.

Get copies of all personal paperwork (included on your wife and children) and financial papers and store them in your safe place. Remove your valuable possessions from the house and put them in your self place... so your wife cannot sell them.

Do not move out of the home your children are in. If she does not want to share a house after she is served, she can move out without the children.
 
#42 ·
"Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy"

Torn? No she's not! She is still seeing him and she's not married to HIM! She's not torn at all. She knows what she wants. She wants you to continue to provide food, shelter and money! You my friend are being used as an ATM for her Fvck buddy

For the love of God man, turn off the cash flow now!
 
#43 ·
And this woman you love...it's so hard to believe it's happening to you is because she's in what's called the 'fog.' So it's not really the woman you know because when you're starting out in an affair, or a new relationship, you get shots of a chemical called dopamine (and some other chemicals) It's a feel-good chemical, the same as what drug-users experience. Highly addictive. And the fact that sex with the POSOM is forbidden, just increases the thrill factor.

She knows what she's doing isn't right, but that takes a backseat to her addictive high. So she'll rationalize any way she can to get more 'hits.' She'll criticize you, make you out to be the bad guy...anything, just to keep the fantasy going.

And a fantasy is what it is. No bills to pay, no screaming kids, no dirty underwear to clean.

Meanwhile, you're left wondering 'what did I do wrong?' While everyone has their faults, your wife's affair is 100 percent her fault. She cheated, you didn't. You can claim 50 percent responsibility to the state of your marriage, but 0 percent for her cheating.
 
#48 ·
If you're trying to expose though (or further expose) you definitely need concrete proof for that. Otherwise it's just he said she said, and cheaters can lie with the best of them.
 
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#56 ·
The moment I got clear with myself after finding out about my exH's affair/waffling about leaving was when I stopped putting him first and put myself first.

Think of it like this. It's sink or swim. Life or death. You or her.

Which do you choose?

I always, constantly choose me - and that means I don't put up with bs, from anybody for any reason.

So, expose what you have to, move what you have to, do whatever it is you have to do to be a man who can look in the mirror in the morning with clear eyes and conscience. The only person who is going to look out for you is you.
 
#66 ·
Get a VAR and keep it with you and record your conversations with her.

You need to document everything, conversations etc.

Let her parents, family, friends know that she is having an affair and has left her children for you to raise.

You have to put away the Nice Guy Persona and be Cold to her. Only talk to her about the children, there is nothing else you need to talk to her about because she has checked out of the marriage.
 
#71 ·
So let me throw something else in the mix...after I found out about the affair, I went through a period of mixed emotions. One of those emotions is going out and trying to force myself into forgetting about her.
I shouldn't have done it, but I went over to an old friend's house, a girl, and we kissed. She found out about it but this was back in January. I don't even contact this said girl anymore.
 
#84 ·
You need to see a lawyer ASAP. It could be that because you knew about her affair and have had sex with her after knowing it (have you?) you may be viewed legally as having forgiven or condoned her actions. So be wary.

On another point (not that it matters much). You said she started the affair the night she left after the manufactured spat. I think she started the night of the GNO. That's when you first noticed changes in her. So that's the most likely time they got intimate in some way.

Watch yourself and protect yourself. Get to the family law practice ASAP.
 
#85 ·
Are you still living with her?

Do you still have sex with her?

She is a stay-at-home mom?

You mentioned the "gut feeling" started after she went out with her friends for drinks. Did she meet other man in a bar? Did she know him before?

What does other man do for a living? How old?

What is her reason for being with him? Physical attraction? Love?

You mentioned her wanting to take care of him. That does not seem to jive with meeting a stranger in a bar.
 
#86 ·
Every betrayed husband who posts here, even when they say they definitely want to divorce, don't really want to divorce.

If you wanted to divorce, it would be easy enough, you just go to see a lawyer.

If you want to try to save your marriage, you fight for it, and not be trying to be a nicer guy. More on this in a later post.

I think carrying on the affair right in your face is the ultimate in cruelty. I can't help but feel when I hear of this kind of situation, where the cheating is rubbed in the betrayed's face, that the cheater has a lot of deep anger for the betrayed.

What does her end of the conversation sound like when she talks to him in front of you? Does she tell him she loves him? Talk baby talk to him? Sex talk? Does she tell you when she's going out to see him?
 
#87 ·
In South Carolina (I'm in Columbia) alimony is not the norm. You will probably get a 50/50 split of marital assets and debt. If children are involved and you end up with shared custody, you may be paying child support to her or her to you (depending on how much each of you make at your respective jobs).

I had a friend who recently divorce his wife because of her adultery. His wife was a Stay-at-home-Mom. They had three kids. They have shared custody. He pays $1100 per month child support (total) and $0 alimony. The required waiting period of 1 year was waived because of the adultery and the divorce was finalized in three months.

Get a VAR. Lead her into a conversation about her affair. Record it. You will have enough to prove adultery in her own voice if you cannot recover the FB message or emails.

But you absolutely do need to consult an attorney since every situation is different.

Time to have her served. Good luck.
 
#90 ·
Well, if you want an update, here you go...

She set her homeless boyfriend up with a place to stay last night, because he has nowhere else to go, but I'm not supposed to know that, but I do. Using her money, the money she is supposed to use to buy groceries. I knew the inevitable was going to happen last night. She wanted to start an argument last night about anything, because I was giving her no response to anything. She kept asking me, "do you want me to leave?". I said' "do whatever you want, I know you want to." Well after this went back and forth for a while, she said she was leaving. I told her if she left it was over. She hesitated for a while trying to talk to me, but eventually left.

So I guess its officially over now.
 
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