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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#96 ·
You're in South Carolina. You're one of the fortunate ones because S.C. isn't a "progressive state" meaning it's still a fault state.

So you need to do a few things.
1. Don't let on that you're going to Divorce.
2. Speak to an attorney, actually meet with the 5 best attorneys in your area (you take them off the market from your wife being able to use them because you've already consulted with them).
3. Hire a P.I. and get concrete proof.

Because S.C. is a fault state, (there are 4 faults, physical abuse, adultery, substance abuse and abandonment), the divorce will strongly swing in your favor.

Just be prepared for her attorny to paint you as the worst possible husband because there are defenses to fault divorces as well.
 
#100 ·
Just had a phone conversation with her...she took the day off of work and is out grocery shopping.
So I had to bite my tongue to keep from lashing out at her about this guy using her as an ATM to have a place to stay.
She carries on the conversations as if she doesn't think I will make a move...maybe its time to prove her wrong?
 
#109 ·
Better enjoy the TV whilst you can. If he truly is a drug addict and you've cut his drug money out by cutting your wife's access to cash your TV and other appliances are in danger of being in a pawn shop at this time next week.

Protect yourself. Get to that lawyer - see if you can get a TRO on your wife based on her association with a druggie. Probably won't work but it's worth the effort.
 
#114 ·
I'm not sure how many of you on here are the religous types, but I am...

It's funny, my mother was telling me she prayed about the situation last night and then she found out my wife left for the night.

I can recall praying about it several times and my wife doing something stupid.

Hey, maybe this was meant to happen. I take that back, it was meant to happen.
 
#120 ·
It's nights like these when I remember why I'm here...

Wife says working late till 6:30 because she missed time on Monday. Never done that before in the 10 years she's worked at her job. Go by there, car not there.

Just installed my keylogger on my computer. Will fulfill her request to have some old pictures scanned for her to facebook. Get password and get evidence. Going to get a VAR tomorrow. Afterwards, going to my parents to lay out the gameplan. Talking to my parents' neighbor who was in a similar situation for advice. Contacting lawyers next week and going for blood and everything else I deserve.

Playing the pathetic husband game right now so she thinks she can walk all over me once again. But this time, its a game. Hung all the pictures of me and her back up in the house, all is well she thinks.

When this is over, I will make sure she suffers for every minute she made me suffer and sleepless and close to a mental and emotional breakdown. Every minute she walked out on me and the kids for a homeless POS alcoholic.
I just cannot let my emotions take over.
 
#121 ·
You also need a GPS on her car to track her.

She is spending family money on his living expenses , you need to find out how much as you can deduct these costs from her part of the D settlement.

Also no more movie nights.

Grab her soiled panties and send then to a lab , it will help you prove infidelity.

Pack her clothes in a garbage bag and sit them outside the front door.

You have to let her back in, but doing ths each time she is going to have sex with him sends a message,
 
#123 ·
I like your plan, I think you will get the proof soon enough, and you will make out real good in the divorce.
I suggest you hire a PI it will pay off in the divorce settlement.

The goal is confirming adultory so you don't have to pay out the ass in the divorce so that tactic should not bee doon by an amateur.

Since the OM is homeless I suspect the VAR would yeild proof, but then again your lawyer will give you the best option that is approved in a court of law.

I guess the PI can be called into court to testify and make your case in proving adultory, Thats why I think it s your best route.

So stay strong and I hope your a good actor, this will be a tought few weeks.

And another thing the lawyer might have a PI that he can recomment.

It sound like in SC its common to get out of alimony so I'm sure its common practice for most lawyers to have a PI close by just for cases such as yours.

One guestion, how are you going to play the next request for money when you are already playing the "its all good" facade?

Also remember it takes a few days for the paper work to get put together so do not waste time. be prepared to wait a couple of weeks once you do retain a lawyer.

You might get luck and the lawyer has a light case load, but if you reyain him on Monday you will be lucky to have her served by Fri..

BTW how are you going to have her served...at her work, at OM shopping cart, OM bridge/underpass, or at your own home?


Since R is out the window I guess making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible is out the window...I get it....but dude its going to take balls of emotional steel to pull your game plan off for any length of time!

May I suggest you look up the 180? Its a bunch of items that emtionally protect you. The 180 plan is ment to protect you and not ment for her....it may help unti you finalize the divorce.
 
#125 ·
Obviously you are going to prove adulatory so the OM will be named in the divorce suit. But division of assets will need to be look at so start looking at that, if you own and you want her out then some sort of eviction may be in order...maybe something temporary until the divorce is finalized.

She can always stay with the OM and help him push his shopping cart around.:lol: but:(
 
#129 ·
The OM has no car, no job, no home, nowhere to set his feet at night other than on friends' couches.
The OM had about 100k left to him (so my stbxw says) in an inheritance and he blew it in about a year. So that tells me in addition to being an alcoholic, he's not very good with money.

Wow, this stuff still shocks me.

Anyways, we plan to go out tomorrow night because she wants to "talk". She only said this after she felt the heat of the big D coming. We shall see.

Just so you all know, I'm not giving in. I've had my moments the past week or so, but they've been few and far between. Even if she was to want to R, I'm still dropping the hammer on her, I'm just playing my hand close to my chest.
 
#127 ·
The guy.....you really are 'The Guy'! I don't think I have ever seen one post of yours I disagree with or find disagreeable. And you are always so helpful to others to the n'th degree. And your story is quite shocking too...in as much as your situation seemed totally irrecoverable. You are a valuable person on here, so much. I just love your posts and your advice. Always.
 
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#128 ·
And to OP, I am very happy to see you are taking the power back. And that you are taking steps to dissallow the abuse no longer. All the advice you have had here is spot on and I agree wholeheartedly.
 
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#130 · (Edited)
So this started as a GNO? Sigh.

how old are you?

Sounds like you are hard Christian and won't date until you get the d fully done. Get it pushed thru so you can truly live your life again.

No money? Sounds like he's a bad boy player. Roomed with one in college. Bad boys have unbelievable pull on women.
 
#131 ·
Wanted to give you all an update, and it's not the type of update I'm sure all of you want to hear....

So I'm still with her, and I was ready to make a move once I had all the evidence that I could file for custody on grounds of adultery. Unfortunately, I was unable to get that evidence.

Now, the guy is gone. Not gone, gone, but gone to rehab, and will be there for a while. Not sure how long. But my wife tells me this because she was the one that encouraged him to go. And now she tells me that she wanted this to happen so things can "get back to normal". Maybe for her, but what about me? How can I trust her in what she tells me? In her mind, things may get back to normal for her, but I've got triggers galore and I'm not quite ready to say I'll forgive her.
 
#136 ·
Now, the guy is gone. Not gone, gone, but gone to rehab, and will be there for a while. Not sure how long. But my wife tells me this because she was the one that encouraged him to go.
Don't you wonder why the POSOM agreed to go to rehab? Was it because he just realized one day that he was an alcoholic or addict? Or did your wife's "encouragement" factor in as a condition he had to meet to stay with her?

I have some experience with rehab. I can tell you that most of the people that go there, don't do it for themselves necessarily, but do it to save something they don't want to lose.

When OM's rehab is over and if you are once again betrayed; please don't say you couldn't have expected it.
 
#132 ·
So, your wife spending the night with this guy isn't proof of adultery?

Well, it seems as if your choices have narrowed.
1. You can play the long con. Stay with your wife, wait for her to resume her affair, or start a new one, and get evidence when it is available.
2. You can divorce her without iron-clad proof.
3. You can try to reconcile.

It sounds like you're leaning toward #3. But it doesn't sound like your wife is doing the things necessary for reconciliation.

Successful reconciliation means the disloyal spouse apologizes and takes responsibility for having an affair. It doesn't mean that the OM leaves the picture temporarily, so that you can just sweep the affair under the rug. If you're just rug sweeping, save your time and go back to choice #1 or #2.

Good luck.
 
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