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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#133 ·
I feel very sorry for you since you are in such denial. You need the get tested for STD's since she did not use protection. So she can go screw another man and have an affair behind your back and there are no consequences to her actions? If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been? She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever and is playing you for a total fool. If you don't respect yourself then who will?
 
#135 ·
So her form of therapy for drug abusers was hugely successful - great!

Unbelievable that she said that to you with a straight face. And moreso that you are going to accept it.

Oh, well - let's hope the rehab isn't just a condition he had to meet in order to continue with your wife.
 
#144 ·
If you want to get your self-esteem back you need to stop putting up with whatever she throws in your face. Not trying to come down on you or anything, but the way you seem to be going about this I'm not surprised your self-esteem is in the gutter. You need to take control of the situation and stop reacting to every move your wife makes and whatever comes out of her mouth. Make moves and do what's best for YOU.
 
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#145 ·
I can take the heat. I know I'm being a doormat.

I've always took pride in being a husband, a provider for my family. So much work has been put in these past 13 years into what we have, or should I say now, had.

I just cannot fathom how someone could be so cold and callous into wanting to throw it all away. But I guess thats why it never crossed my mind to cheat. I never thought she would either.

I've spoken with numerous lawyers the past few weeks, but now is the time to make the move. I don't have the evidence, but at this point why does it matter?

And yes, my self-esteem has been destroyed. It has been chipped away at for a while now, and now I'm feeling the effects.
 
#157 ·
Dear jlc29316,

You have taken a huge step by acknowledging your problem. Now take the next step and do something about it (especially since it looks like the OM will soon be back with your wife).

Also, you need to understand what has held you back. You say that it is because you have tried to be a good provider. Frankly, I don't buy that. I suspect that you have failed to act out of fear of the future. If that is the case, you need to recognize and and then deal with it.

But don't get too down on yourself. You haven't done any worse than most guys on TAM who face similar problems. Your goal should be to learn from your mistakes and to grow stronger. You can do it if you are honest with yourself and understand that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by confronting your problems rather than running from them.

Good luck.
 
#152 ·
I noticed several calls to a pregnancy center in the past few days from her phone. Now before you blow this up, we had talked recently in depth about her being unhappy and the last time she was truly happy was when we had our second child. We did fertility treatments in order for her to get pregnant. I can tell you now that marriage, birth, or anything, only brings temporary joy. She has some deep down emotional issues and is not a happy person, so before you say anything...it's not happening.
 
#158 ·
You're right...I fear the future. I won't lie. I'm the type that doesn't like drastic change, even at the expense of hurting myself in the process.

I was just hoping the fog would lift in time to keep her from losing what she has worked so hard to achieve. She came from a broken home background, as opposed to me. I think she has drifted back into that familiarity against my desire. I have to look out for my children and me now.
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#160 ·
You're right...I fear the future. I won't lie. I'm the type that doesn't like drastic change, even at the expense of hurting myself in the process.
Never let yourself be motivated by fear, you will sabotage yourself.

I was just hoping the fog would lift in time to keep her from losing what she has worked so hard to achieve.
The fog you need to be more concerned with is YOURS; you are still very much in denial of your situation.

You need to find out why you are willing to stay with a cheating wife that blatantly disrespects you. She does not see you as a man because you allow her to walk all over you. Women want men that are willing to stand up to them because if you can’t stand up to them (or for yourself) how can you head a family?

You are your own worst enemy, once you start caring about yourself more than her (dollars to more dollars you are way down on her priority list) you will naturally do the right things.
 
#163 ·
JLC I have read this thread and I want to shake you. Where is your anger. Forget about this being your wife. IT's like you are waiting for her to just wake up and smell the roses. By not taking swift and firm action you are telling her that you are not serious. I mean she is flagrantly throwing this affair in your face. ANd you do nothing.
The one time you have stepped up and set boundaries was went you told her if she walks out that door it is over. You notice that it caused a reaction. But she walked anyway. The reason is because you have not backed up anything you have said so far. It's all been empty threats and hot air. The choice is simple.
1) keep being a doormat and have your wife parade this infront of you.
2)stand up for yourself and tell your wife that you are not going to be treated this way. If you pay for her phone. Cut it off otherwise you are actually paying for her to have an affair. If she is blowing grocery money on this OM go start buying groceries. Take away everything because you are no longer just a BS but you are enabling this situation.

You keep asking yourself why would someone throw it all away?
Why are there thousands of stories just like yours on TAM?
My answer to that is DOES IT MATTER why they threw it all away? The point is they are the type of person that is willing to throw it all away and HAS thrown it all away. SO what exactly are you hanging on to.
I am not trying to beat you down but simply trying to make you see the futility of the arguments against taking action are. You were set and ready to go you made your choice and all your wife had to do was mention "lets get back to normal" and your are confused?
I keep readying and just see you going down the nice guy path and am watching you be toyed and used by your WW. She is playing you man. Snap out of it you made the right decision with pursuing a D. Get the ball rolling and set your terms for her to be in your life.

No contact ever again with this OM. Even if he threatens to kill himself it doesn't matter. NO Contact.

Full transparency all email , phones, and texts are to be handed over to you.

I want to see you move forward but until you make the decision to stop living in denial, you will not be able to handle your business. I hope this doesn't get me banned but if it does and my post wakes you up so be it. At least I will be able to sleep at night.
 
#167 ·
I hope you take account of the money she has spent on hotels and clothes and dinners and drinks for this guy.

You can take all that out the family assets when you divide things up when you D.

It's obvious you must D her as she is openly flaunting her sexual relationship with you.

Good hunting, I hope you show no mercy because at this point she deserves none.
 
#168 ·
I would be a hypocrite to criticize you for R'ing with your wife if you so choose. After everything my WH has put me through I still gave him a chance at R. Some days are good, some are not. I think most here just want to see you come out on top!
 
#176 ·
Make the most of your appointment with the lawyer on Friday.

Write down questions you want to ask him. For example, fault or no-fault state? Can you get main custody of your daughter? What is the minimum spousal support? What do you need to show so that you dont have to pay spousal support? Is adultery grounds for divorce? etc..


Also, if you have not done so, remove her from any joint bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Secure or disappear your financial assets and any valuable personal belongings and documents.
 
#179 ·
Ask the atty if there's any chance of obtaining a TRO against your wife on the grounds that she is consorting with a known druggie and introducing your children to that environment.

It's one thing to screw you over - quite another to screw her own children's morals and outlook. You have a developed brain, they don't - they will come to see that relationships are used to take advantage of others - lies are fine. Faithfulness means nothing.

Take control. You are supposed to be the head of your family and the protector of your children.
 
#180 ·
So I had a talk with my wife last night, in a calm manner (as difficult as that was) and told her my intentions. So her comeback was, "What if I break it off with him, can we still be together?"

I blew up and said, "this whole time you were saying how difficult it was going to be to let him go, even after all the s*** you put me through and I had to endure. Now that I'm making a move, you're going to end it with him that easy?!" F*** that!
 
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