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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#190 ·
Good keep that to yourself. I'm sure om will have lots of advice for your ww of course it will all be to his continued benefit. Is your sense that your ww was just trying to string you along? She'll eventually realize what a cluster fvck she made of the things but it will likely be too little too late.

Wd
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#192 ·
Dont expect remorse and contriteness right off the bat from her.

I had to wait over twenty years to get a real apology and show of remorse from my first wife who cheated on me before and after our wedding.

Right now your wife is looking for a way to outmeneuver you now. When you have her served divorce papers, make sure she gets served publically. That will knock some of that pride out of her.

Is she still living with you?
 
#211 ·
Time to hurry that divorce along so that you dont get stuck with child support for her lover's child.

A child born into your marriage becomes your legal responsibility. You must take legal steps to prevent that from happening. You must do it quickly. Talk to a lawyer well-versed in paternity responsibility.

Has the legal separation process begun?
 
#218 · (Edited)
Saw she abused you. Wow.

How far along in the divorce process are you? When final?
Have you cut her off completely money wise?
Has she moved out?
YOU have primary custody?
Define "shell of her former self"
They live together now?
When is she due?
Did you protect yourself against paternity fraud?
 
#225 ·
JLC, tragic but you did we'll, given the circumstances. Your ex lost her mind. Love is blind and blindness is self destructive when you lack reason and ethics. She wanted to come home but it was too late. You could not R without remorse. Is she sorry now? Is there any hope she can put her life in order? Would better for her to be single than with OM, the alcoholic. And a baby is coming.
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#226 ·
Thought I would revisit this thread...it's been awhile.
Well we go to our temporary hearing on August 13th, but I must say while things were going good for me, the triggers have hit me hard the past week or so. Adding to that, is that me and her are getting along so well now. Slipped up a couple weeks ago, our son was going on a trip for two weeks so we both wanted to spend time with him as a family and we watched a movie together. We ended up sleeping together. Maybe that's why the triggers re-manifested themselves. Or maybe because of the texts about her wanting to come back home. Or maybe the excitement of having the place to myself has worn off, now I'm seeing memories at every turn and smelling her presence in the house.
I have to remember why I'm getting this divorce in the first place, the cheating, the emotional abuse. The only upside is the awesome sex.
Now, here is what else worries me. I have this fear that with her volatile behavior and outbursts, I have this fear that she will somehow change her ways and become this awesome woman. Sounds crazy, but I'd hate to think that could've been someone that I could be with. I loved her so much, and still do.
 
#227 ·
WTF? :scratchhead: :scratchhead: :scratchhead:

This is my story.

A man can only take so much being used, abused, manipulated, yelled at, spit on, taken advantage of, verbally assaulted, physically assaulted, scratched, bit, choked, knife pulled on, lied to, and finally cheated on. The only problem is, the man takes it for so long he becomes numb to it and thinks he somehow deserved it, so he hides it behind a fake smile.

Violence against men is a very real thing, and its becoming more and more commonplace every day.
Stop having sex with her! Stop thinking with your little head. Seriously. She and her trailer trash OM deserve each other. Just because she sexes you up a few times that things are going to be better? You're being manipulated. Stop it.
 
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