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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#229 ·
And as someone asked, yeah she does feel remorse. She has cried to me saying how sorry she was for everything. She'd wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares about everything. She has said how much she appreciated all that I did for her now that she has to do all those things (tidy up, pay bills, etc.).
 
#231 ·
Just remember she misses having you as a father, not as a lover. Her attempts to sleep with you aren't because she suddenly finds you attractive. She just misses your wallet and knows that offering sex is one of the only ways she can trick you into taking her back.

I realize this is really hard to hear, I'm don't like saying it. And I'm sorry to have to ruin your fantasy that she suddenly finds you manly again and wants to ride your pole. I just don't want you to fall for her tricks and get back with a woman who has repeatedly demonstrated that she thinks of you as an wimpy, lovesick idiot who will take her back no matter how much she spits in your face because you know you'll never do better than her.

There's a woman out there who sincerely wants to ride you. And when you two finally meet you'll probably get in trouble for bumping uglies all over town since you won't be to keep your hands off of each other.

Your wife wants to go back to being a prostitute you pay to live with you. Go find a girl who wants you for your C***, not your wallet.
 
#232 ·
I'm glad I posted this, because I want you all to snap me back into reality. The fact of the matter is, and I know this, that I don't necessarily want her back, but I'm just holding onto the memories. And the one thing I need to realize is I'm only thinking of the good memories, not the painful ones. Probably because I'm trying to supress them.
So we had a long talk yesterday over the phone, and she asked me if I would ever want her to come back. I didn't give her an absolutely not, but I couldn't bring myself to say yes either. I'm getting there.
The court will order a paternity test once the baby is born, but she is saying that he is the father. If they are still seeing each other I don't know. At this point I don't care. She's been moved out about a month now, and every now and then I do miss her being there. That will pass in time.
 
#239 ·
Family courts vary on paternity issues. Typically it's a rebuttable presumption when you are married at the time of conception.

The only times guys generally get screwed is if they hold themselves out to be the child's father and support the child financially for some period of time before contesting paternity. If you demand a test on day one, and do not represent that you are the father, it is super unlikely that you would be on the hook.
 
#241 ·
You need to record her saying she think's it's his, back it up with a paternity test, you already have pics of them going into the hotel.
Should be a slam dunk if you have everything on paper in pictures and in writing.
Guess you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl. What a piece of work.
 
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#242 ·
Your lawyer will know what hoops you should jump through to make sure you aren't stuck with this kid. If he or she doesn't, you need a new lawyer. You need to take this very seriously. You could either put this terrible situation behind you in the next few months, or be stuck with a painful and financially ruinous reminder of this for the next two decades. Your choice.
 
#245 ·
JLC

You are in a tough position because you still care for your wife.

But you need to think of yourself and your kids right now.

Be selfish for a change. She certainly was.

I know it is hard because you see Divorce as an end to your family.

But in reality it is a consequence of her horrible decisions and treatment of you/your kids.

SO stay the course. Let her see how the OM supports her and the child.

Stay the man you are. Do not let her ever take that away from you.....

HM
 
#247 ·
Yes. During a marriage, there is a rebuttable presumption that the husband is the father. In this case, the OM rebutted that presumption with a DNA test. Similar facts to this situation, but I don't see JC fighting in court--like the spurned husband in the above case--to maintain paternity of a kid that isn't his.
 
#250 ·
Please do not allow your self to fall for her ploy. Enough already.. You have been a doormat long enough. Why set yourself up to go through it again? Do you not think highly enough of yourself to realize you can do better than a girl that uses you for financial security but is not right in the head and will continue to step all over your marriage, your heart, your family. She is as toxic as they come. Do not ever sleep with her again. Get the divorce final and start your love life over. Once you go on a date or two life will start to get back to normal. You do need to play her hero any longer.
 
#251 ·
There are tests ?which use antibodies? in the mothers blood that can determine paternity without injecting into the placenta.

There was one such case on here say February-ish. The guy whos wife screwed in FL then some other guy. Forget the name of the OP.
 
#254 ·
Once the baby is born, the DNA test is easy. Cotton swab inside the cheek and/or a few hairs with root from everyone and send them in.
 
#258 ·
It's been pointed out already but it bears repeating - you may be jeopardizing your case for infidelity if you have sex with her after you've discovered it. It can be seen as acceptance and forgiveness.

If she wants to fight the divorce and gets a sharp atty the first thing they're going to ask her is if you've had sexual relations with her. Be careful
 
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