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Never thought it would be me. Should I pull the plug on the marriage?

126K views 284 replies 80 participants last post by  LifeGetsBetter 
#1 · (Edited)
Let me see if I can get through this with as much detail as possible...

Me and my wife have been together for 13 years, been married for 7. We have two children, 12 and 3. Things haven't always been great, as with all relationships. We met through a friend and hit it off right away. Things got pretty serious early when she became pregnant. I was in college, so I man'ed up and went to work, got us a place to support her, and the rest is history. Let me also add, that she comes from a very unstable background, as opposed to me, who always had the stable family growing up.

Fast forward to late November 2012. She and her friends went out for some drinks. A few days later I noticed some changes in her, it's hard to describe it, but when you been with someone for so long you know something is up. Her interests changed for one, like the type of music she listened to. I didn't pay it much attention at first, but it gradually got worse. She started distancing herself more and more and would make spontaneous trips to the store or wherever for an hour or so. One night a couple weeks later, we had a small spat and she said she was leaving for a while. We've always had those but never has she had the urge to leave. Well, she didn't come back till the next morning. When she came home the next day, she said that she wanted to separate for a while, which totally blew my mind. How can this woman who was so in love with me want a separation. She claimed that she had been unhappy for the past two years and needed some time to think. I had went on to work and started doing some investigating. I went on our cellphone website, and saw texts and calls to a certain number I wasn't familiar with. I called it and got the voice mail of a guy. I cross-referenced it with her facebook and come to find out this guy's interests were right there with her new interests. I completely lost it at work and had to go home.

Later on that day, when she was getting ready to go out, again, I confronted her and asked her who this guy was. She said he was just an old friend. I asked her if anything was going on and she denied it, saying that she always found him attractive but that was it.

This behavior went on for a while and a week before Christmas is when it all hit the fan. We had went over to her family's place for a dinner. She was completely isolated the whole time, walking out and using her phone outside, and spending time away from her family. When we got home, she said she needed to go run an errand for a friend, and I said that was fine. Well 3 in the morning rolled around. I called and she answered half asleep, and I heard a guy in the background. Thats when I caught her.

She immediatly came home, and after an hour or so of trying to get her to come clean, she did and confessed that she had been sleeping with him, and it had started the night she left mad. She pleaded with me not to leave but I did for a while. I immediately told my parents. When I came back home, I told her she needs to tell this guy it's over with them. She agreed, and being the naive idiot I am I let her leave and tell him over the phone. Needless to say it was not done.

Christmas day had arrived, and with her family over for dinner, she continued to isolate herself from the family and stay on her phone. I had tried to hold everything in for so long, but I finally lost it and grabbed her phone and threw it down. We got into a big argument on Christmas and I told her entire family there that she had been sleeping around on me.

I'm not going to go into more details after this episode, but a lot of things have been going on the past few months. At first, she was ready to end it, but I stepped up and started being the husband I had failed to be for the past year or so. No, I was not cheating on her or anything, just failed to show her that attention she was needing. Not a justification for cheating though. Since then she has been torn because she said she has those feelings for me again, but continues to see this guy. We are currently going to counseling. She thinks things are getting better, but I have worn myself out over all this. I've lost 20 pounds the past few months and have worried myself sick over the situation. The therapist tells her she needs to leave this guy because he is unstable too, which is why the attraction. He is an alcoholic, and jumps from place to place. And her actions now are so blatant, she texts him and calls him in our home as if its normal now.

I would be happy to provide more details if needed. I just don't know if all this I'm going through is worth it anymore. I do love her still of course.

Let me also add that our finances have taken a hit...since she is seeing this guy, she has been spending money on him (he has no money). She shows signs of being done with him, because she has always had me to take care of her, but now she feels like she has to take care of him. The question is when she is finally done with him will it be too late.
 
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#262 ·
I’m sorry that I dug up an old post, but as I was reading this one, I was getting angry about how sad and pathetic this guy was. How could anyone look at their selves in the mirror and consider themselves to be a man when they are treated like an option, a second choice, a fallback, a doormat, and every other name.

The reason why this angers me so much is because…this was me. I wanted to logon as my old username, but I couldn’t find the password, so I did some searching and found the original post. Almost four years have passed since the only life that I knew, a life of turmoil, fighting, disloyalty, and abusiveness, came to its closing moments. It didn’t necessarily come to an end, because the person that she broke still went on a broken person, carrying this heavy baggage into a new relationship. I don’t really want to go into details about it, but what I carried into a new relationship from this one almost destroyed it. But it was only through patience, that this new woman in my life, took this broken person and built him back up, stronger than ever. She pieced together a man that had been shattered from fifteen years of mental and physical abuse. I never knew what love was until I gave it a chance. What I thought was love was a skewed vision of reality because it was all I knew. I don’t want to go into every detail of the past four years, but I will say this…
After a little over three years in this new relationship, we married in February. I have my two children, who are now 16 and 7, along with her two children, who I love dearly, that are 15 and 7. As for my ex-wife, she passed away two years ago due to suicide.

I will be happy to answer any questions you may have, there is just too much to talk about. But I will say this…life does get better.
 
#268 ·
I've thought about it a lot. I know my oldest had a rough time for a while, but I probably need to have him see a counselor. He stays to himself a lot as far as his feelings go, so talking to a stranger may be beneficial. The youngest vaguely recalls anything. She calls her stepmother "mommy", which she has been. She has been her mommy while her biological mom went off the deep end.
 
#276 ·
I don't mean to sound like I'm arrogant, but I believe the turning point in her life was when she knew for certain that I was done with her. And I don't even mean the divorce...I'm talking after that. After we divorced, a lot of **** went on between me and her that threatened my current relationship. She totally lived rent free in my head, I will not deny that. She would still come over to the house to "see the children" after they were placed in my custody.
Long story short, it came down to my current wife giving me the ultimatum that it was either she or my ex. That was when my balls dropped and I told her to get the hell off of my property and never come back. After that, it was pretty much further downhill for her. She lost her job not too long after that, lost the house that her and her husband got, moved into a crack motel, got addicted to drugs (any drug she could get her hands on), and put in jail several times. She eventually moved in with her mom in her final months.

The last time I saw her was not too long before she passed away. Me and my wife (girlfriend at the time) stopped at a convenience store and I ran in to get something. She was in there at the counter and she was totally strung out...to the point she still had the tourniquet around her arm. She saw me come in and before she left she said something to me about the kids, which I totally dismissed. And that was it...
 
#269 ·
Some people are just self destructive and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I am glad you found a good woman to pull you out of the hole your ex put you in.

One question - well two actually. Did she wind up with the tattooed dildo? What happened to their child?
 
#271 ·
Believe it or not, me and him are actually cool with each other now. It's a situation of he found out that I wasn't a bad guy like she made me out to be, and he wasn't that bad a guy she made him out to be. He has his issues, but for the most part, he's doing okay now. Simply put, it was her manipulating us both to make us hate each other. She thrived on it. They ended up getting married in 2014 I believe, but separated not too long afterward in 2015. They were separated when she committed suicide.
I don't have any ill feeling towards him...if you read the OP, he saved my life. Oh and the child, she is doing well. She is with his mom right now.
 
#270 ·
OP, have courage and divorce. You are Plan B. She is keeping you around for monetary purposes; including financing the lifestyle of her lover. A relative of mine did the same to his working wife. They have filed for bankruptcy already twice. You will be in financial ruins if you keep her. You would sabotage your children's future as well. Save yourself and your children.
 
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