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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-07-2013, 10:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Hello,

I have confirmed that my wife has started a PA with only kissing and some touching and am now desperate to stop any more action.

My Wife and I have been married for 10 years and together for 22. Like most stories things get stale and neither one makes an effort until one drifts to another person.

It started two years ago when I was asked to fill in on a bowling team. I ending up staying on the team and one of the "friends" is the other man. We see hime once a week and he is also 13 years older than us.

I have not been as affectionate as I know i should and this drove her to fill in the void. She friended him on FB and I suspected she was dirty texting but let it go. While we were away a few weeks ago (while at a checkout) I saw a graphic text on here phone to him and I just about lost it and she could see that my face dropped. Because we we on a trip I held it together.

I then proceeded to review her texts in private and my fears were were confirmed. She could sense something was wrong with me so I decided to confront her with only the knowledge of the text from the trip to see what here response would be.
She said it was nothing and that it was not specific to the two of them just a general comment. (Not true since I saw the rest of texts). She said just friends blah blah.. (brush under rug)

I also told her that I would love to talk to here this way as it is exciting and I want her to enjoy sex. She said ok.

A few days later I come home and she says she wants to go to a couple of stores. (RED Flag) She never goes without dragging me. The guy lives about a mile away so I drove over there and her car was there. I could not help but stop and keep anything from happening. I knocked and after a minute he answer and asked me in. He then proceeded to look me in the eye and said "you have nothing to worry about" and she said we were just talking at the table.

The next morning I reviewed messages and they were in fact kissing and discussing what else would have come if I did not show up. My heart sunk and I was irate.

Now the twist in the story. My wife and I are probably having the best sexual experience ever since this started. My gut feeling is that she is using me a tool to "practice" what she will do with him and that hurts but I love what we are doing.

This Monday. She calls me and says she just feels like going home early from work. I know that the OM get out of work around 3:30 and home by 4. I had another gut feeling and immediately left to try to catch in act but I am 1/2 hour away.
I checked with a neighbor and she arrived home about 20min later that she should have. She did mention she got gas but that is only 5 min.

So, the next morn I checked texts and confirmed again that contact was made but this time touching was involved.

I confronted again saying I love you and was worried that you left work early since I caught her last time at his house. She just denied and said I love you and nothing is going on.

I know from her actions she does love me and does not want it to end but is looking to fill the lacking attention.

So now I don't know how to proceed.

I really want to confront the OM and tell him to end it and tell her he knows what they are doing is wrong and doesn't want to ruin my life. I will also tell him to say nothing to her that is his idea. This seems to be the less painful but also can backfire and be worse.

The other option is to confront her again and ask to see her phone. She always ask to see mine (Guilty sign). I know that she has not deleted the history so I will see what I already know. I am just afraid of what will happen and don't know how to handle it.

I have the proof saved but don't want to have to use it so that she doesn't feel like I was spying. I even feel awful that I have to do it.

Please advise
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:12 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Touching was involved? And you take blame for giving her poor attention!
If there are issues in marriage, she should talk to you.

Read the newbies link. That is the first thread in this forum.

She is physically involved with her OM and you should know if that is acceptable you.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Be prepared to lose your marriage if you want to save it.

That's what you need to understand first and foremost.

It sounds to me like she's flaunting her cheating right in
your face and daring you to do something about it.
She's a cake eater and wants the security you provide
and also the excitement of sexting and being with the OM.

Personally, I don't know how you didn't punch his lights
out the first time you caught her over there.


I'm sorry my friend, but BOTH of them are making a mockery
of you and your manhood. You need to toughen up and fight back!!

If you're not strong and end up letting it just blow over, what does that tell her?
That you're a weakling who doesn't mind her being with other men.

Sit her ass down and tell her that she has ONE chance to come clean, or you're filing for D.

If she lies to you, you file for D.
If she refuses to answer, you file for D.
If she refuses to stop ALL CONTACT with this pr!ck, you file for D.
If she agrees to NC and you catch her again, you file for D.


I'm sorry you've been put in this position, but your wife seems
to be suffering from the same problems many cheating wives have in common. Mine did as well.
You can't fix them. They are broken and once they've checked out, they're GONE and are never the same person you married.

She's putting on a show for you and a different one for him
(if you catch my drift). Her life was boring and now she's playing
games just for the rush - like it's a soap opera or something.

Don't play along with her sick and twisted sense of reality.

Get your ducks in a row and prepare yourself for the battle of your life.

You're in good company here.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

btrayed,

You are wasting your time. The deed is done. Many times over. You think they are just cuddling like pre-teens? Just pecking on the lips like teens?

They are adults. Wake up. Stop taking blame for HER decisions.

You are trying to put the egg back in the shell. Can't be done. It's time to make an omelet. Scramble her thinking. Give her ONE chance to:
come clean on all of it. Written out in detail.

Go NC with him

Expose to her family and yours

Write you an apology

Arrange for IC

that's for starters. The alternative should be immediate. Divorce. She has the benefit of your companionship and security while she gets her emotions and extra sex from him.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

DUDE.
had i caught my wife with OM, actually caught her in the act or somewhere with him, or at his house...
god help us all.
let your nuts drop and go ahead and make your wife choose you or him.
if she cant make the choice RIGHT THEN, make it for her.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

The first thing you MUST do is STOP TAKING ANY BLAME. She cheated. You did not stick their lips together, did you? Did they accidentally kiss?? NO. Your wife CHOSE to do this.

Also, 'kiss' is cheatspeak for 'had sex'. Just an FYI.

Have a good look at the Newbie link in my signature.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:56 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by btrayed View Post

I know from her actions she does love me and does not want it to end but is looking to fill the lacking attention.
Really? These actions show her love for you?
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:59 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Im still trying to figure out if she thinks you are on to her why her text messages arent being deleted. Why am I hung up on her ignorance?
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:00 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Thanks for the initial replies.

First off I do not take blame at all. The "blame" is only my understanding that I also was not doing my part to have a stronger relationship. She is at fault not me.

I did not knock the guy out because going to jail would not solve anything other than feeling good.

The other reason is we bowl together with 3 other friends and I am trying to solve this without having to tell them all.

I am not naive and firmly believe she has not had sex with him YET. She has never been away from me or from work during this time other than the two times I mentioned.

She is also very insecure and worries when someone is mad at her or that she did something to make them mad. This is how he got to her.

It seems that the correct method is to sit her down ask for her phone find what I know will be there and ask what she wants to do?

I believe she will want to fix this.

How do I handle the fact we are part of a team? I feel I should not have to leave because of him. Do I tell the team or keep quiet and work it out between us.

LetdownLTX: she needs to reread them to feel wanted i think. and her phone is Pwd protected. I did figure it out and she doesn't know
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:01 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

WHO CAREs THAT YOU WERE SPYING??!!!! Your wife is messing around with another man. You have seen it. You have been seeing it!!! Stop letting them play you and go awol!

WTF??!! IF there is a slim chance they have not gone all the way yet...you can stop this. Quit p*ssy footing around, damn.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by btrayed View Post
Thanks for the initial replies.

First off I do not take blame at all. The "blame" is only my understanding that I also was not doing my part to have a stronger relationship. She is at fault not me.

I did not knock the guy out because going to jail would not solve anything other than feeling good.

The other reason is we bowl together with 3 other friends and I am trying to solve this without having to tell them all.

I am not naive and firmly believe she has not had sex with him YET. She has never been away from me or from work during this time other than the two times I mentioned.

She is also very insecure and worries when someone is mad at her or that she did something to make them mad. This is how he got to her.

It seems that the correct method is to sit her down ask for her phone find what I know will be there and ask what she wants to do?

I believe she will want to fix this.

How do I handle the fact we are part of a team? I feel I should not have to leave because of him. Do I tell the team or keep quiet and work it out between us.

LetdownLTX: she needs to reread them to feel wanted i think. and her phone is Pwd protected. I did figure it out and she doesn't know
You end all contact. This is your marriage. F'ck bowling! You leave or he leaves...who cares. Get yourself and your wife as far away from that bowling ally as possible. Because if he leaves and joines another team..guess what..he will still be around the same place you go.

You don't sit your wife down and ask for her phone..you have already seen all the proof you need. You tell her to end all contact or you will divorce her @ss.

There is no "talking"...there is only blowing this out of the water.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Get info on the pos and expose him with his family/workplace that should cool his jets.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by LetDownNTX View Post
Im still trying to figure out if she thinks you are on to her why her text messages arent being deleted.
Why am I hung up on her ignorance?
Quote:

It sounds to me like she's flaunting her cheating right in
your face and daring you to do something about it.

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Old 03-07-2013, 11:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

Sorry that you are here but, Wow man you need to get to acting... You have your proof. None of those texts are acceptable. Expose expose expose, im sure the bowling team would like to know that they have a guy on there team that is a schmuck. She should of never been to the guys house the first time you caught them there. Plus Letdown nailed it she obviously has to be aware your onto her and still doesn't try to hide it. Wow she either thinks you trust her so much that you wouldn't spy on her, or thinks that you have no balls to act. You need to put a stop to this now. You don't need anymore proof. The longer you wait the more your WS will get attached which will make it harder for her to dettach.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating Confirmed and Confronted but Need More Help

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...She is also very insecure and worries when someone is mad at her or that she did something to make them mad. This is how he got to her....
^^^this could be true. But often people act adopt a different persona with others. So "how you know her to be" is only true with how she acts with you.

You might be shocked at how she acts with others.
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