Finding Happiness Again...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 07-31-2009, 12:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Finding Happiness Again...

I really want to change my life. I just don't know how. What happened to my life? I used to enjoy the little things and now nothing seems to make me happy. Even though my H has been committed to fixing what he screwed up, its not making me happy. I am confused by this, I thought its all I wanted. So I'm thinking that its me, happiness comes from within and maybe its my mindset and its not about what he is doing but what I need to do. I think I was in a better place about 6 months ago, not sure why I am sliding backwards.

Does anyone else feel like that who has been in this situation? Is it part of the healing process or is it a sign of something else? After a year of struggling with getting over it and the fear of it happening again I just want my old life back.

Its as though when my H betrayed me, he took a big part of me. I'm not able to sleep, eat well, or concentrate. Probably each one of these causing the other. I feel depressed and hopeless a lot. I don't want to be here. Before all this, I was a happy, upbeat, glass half full person and enjoyed every day.

I know that happiness comes from within, and I want to get back to that person I was. Just hoping for some advice...
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Old 07-31-2009, 06:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

I suggest 2 things to help that me and my wife are doing.

1) Date night. Go out and do something together one night a week just the two of you. No kids. Out of the house. Date again like you were courting again. Its not just time that heals wounds. Time needs good memories to bury the bad ones and make them seem not so big.

2) Exercize class. My wife and I go to a Kickfit class 3~4 times a week now. We bring the kids and we both work out for ~50 min. WE both feel better about our bodies and that we are doing something to be healthy. Also its great to be in a class full of nice people with a fun instructor to keep you motivated and working hard the whole time.

The world is full of beauty, and people are full of kindness. Find something that is fun for you and involve your partner and happiness will come.
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Old 07-31-2009, 07:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

I think you're obsessing over this...and just waiting...walking on those damn proverbial egg shells...waiting on that mystery shoe to drop.

If you're depressed and anxious...you might go talk to your GP and get something to keep you even and clear headed. There are a variety of meds that will help...and it's just temporary of course until you can learn how to keep your anxiety at bay.

Preacher
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Old 07-31-2009, 10:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

Hon, go talk to your Doc. It sounds like you are in a depression, which could be purely situational, but it also sounds like a med might help you get over this hump. I would also suggest some sort of counseling in conjunction with the medication, so that you can work thru the feelings you have.
You have allowed yourself to be in such a state of stress for so long, your body is firing those stress hormones constantly...and you simply CANNOT function like that long term without both your mental stability and your health taking a hit. The feelings you are describing are major symptoms of depression and anxiety issues. It's going to affect EVERY aspect of your life until you get a handle on it. You will suffer, the relationship you are working to rebuild will suffer, and your health will suffer.
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Old 07-31-2009, 12:47 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AZMOMOFTWO View Post
I really want to change my life. I just don't know how. What happened to my life? I used to enjoy the little things and now nothing seems to make me happy. Even though my H has been committed to fixing what he screwed up, its not making me happy.
No advice for ya, AZMOM, just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat.

I found some suspicious activity in my husband's emails. He has since apologized and we've been working hard on our marriage (or course there's still trust issues). However, even with the work in progress, I'm just not the same person I was before all this happened. I've lost interest in practically everything I used to enjoy (e.g. Shopping, photography, reading the news, etc.).

I've become obsessed with dwelling on what happened, so much so that I can't seem to think about anything else, nor do I have any interest in doing so.

I'm hoping it's just a phase, and that it will eventually pass (because obsessing doesn't really sound very healthy) and I'll start getting interested in my old hobbies again. But for now, I just sit.
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

i think that is the burning question:

how do we get the trust back? anybody?

until we do, the very foundation our relationship was built on is broken, and yes, we obsess and we make ourselves crazy.

i could use some advice, too, on how to move past the resentment and the hurt and get the marriage on the healing path.
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Old 08-04-2009, 04:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

It is about a sea change. The way you live together needs to be close. Don't try to keep doing what you did befor and mix in something new, change the basic ingredient to togetherness.

Be there with each other and pay attention. To tell the truth there is no getting the trust back, there can just be building of new trust. There is no real getting back to the old you, there can only be a building of a new you that has accepted and forgiven.

My wifes wandering prompted me to get to know her and what motivated her more than I had before. I doubted what kind of person she was, if she was just at the whim of the situation she was in, or if I could trust her to defend our relationship against otherwise attractive situations. I had taken all this for granted for the length of our relationship to that point, but now I wanted to know what lessons she had learned from her previous relationships about the meaning of sex, of her worth and of whats necessary to maintain a relationship. What I found was a history of useing sex for revenge, men who would take advantage of her helplessness even at a young age, violence and trauma. When she got pregnant at 17 the father had already left her after cheating on her, so she knew how it hurt. She had never been required to resist temptation to preserve a good relationship, and when we started withdrawing attention from each other her instinct was to use sex to get attention, because that was the world she had always lived in. Of course there was physical attraction there too, but more than that was she found someone I treated her like she should be with. Cheating was her choice, but I contributed to providing the opportunity be not being interested in what she did, by not being with her. I understand that she is human. She wants to feel like the center of someones attention, and she wants that someone to be me, but if I take that away she gets lost. There is something I can do to make sure we have a good relationship, its just give her attention and make her feel like a queen, both inside and out.

I give you this long story to show that I rediscovered who my partner is because it had been shown that she was capable of more than I thought she was and I wanted to learn what I could do to make sure it didn't happen again. I changed what I do and my attitude about doing it, thats how I am able to trust again.

I love myself for finding a way to forgive the one person who said she would love me forever of the greatest sin she could commit against me. It's the one chance I have to live up to the purpose of the Great Sacrifice for me, and I am trying to live that plan.

Know your partner, know them more after they have fallen from the pedestal.
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Old 08-08-2009, 04:31 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AZMOMOFTWO View Post
I really want to change my life. I just don't know how. What happened to my life? I used to enjoy the little things and now nothing seems to make me happy. Even though my H has been committed to fixing what he screwed up, its not making me happy. I am confused by this, I thought its all I wanted. So I'm thinking that its me, happiness comes from within and maybe its my mindset and its not about what he is doing but what I need to do. I think I was in a better place about 6 months ago, not sure why I am sliding backwards.
Does anyone else feel like that who has been in this situation? Is it part of the healing process or is it a sign of something else? After a year of struggling with getting over it and the fear of it happening again I just want my old life back.

Its as though when my H betrayed me, he took a big part of me. I'm not able to sleep, eat well, or concentrate. Probably each one of these causing the other. I feel depressed and hopeless a lot. I don't want to be here. Before all this, I was a happy, upbeat, glass half full person and enjoyed every day.

I know that happiness comes from within, and I want to get back to that person I was. Just hoping for some advice...
Quote:
Originally Posted by jane. View Post
No advice for ya, AZMOM, just wanted to let you know that I'm in the same boat.

I found some suspicious activity in my husband's emails. He has since apologized and we've been working hard on our marriage (or course there's still trust issues). However, even with the work in progress, I'm just not the same person I was before all this happened. I've lost interest in practically everything I used to enjoy (e.g. Shopping, photography, reading the news, etc.).

I've become obsessed with dwelling on what happened, so much so that I can't seem to think about anything else, nor do I have any interest in doing so.
I'm hoping it's just a phase, and that it will eventually pass (because obsessing doesn't really sound very healthy) and I'll start getting interested in my old hobbies again. But for now, I just sit.
No advise from me either but hopefully things get better for all. I average about 1 to 2 hours of sleep per day for the last 6 months and it has taken it's toll. My wife was obsessed with another man and now I am constantly dwelling on what happened. I take the meds and have been to the doctor. Yet I still cannot see past what happened. To know that another man knows things about my wife that I don't really F'n sucks. I suppose that a person could take enough meds that nothing will bother them, but at what cost? I still love my wife dearly and am hoping time heals all wounds.

Goodluck
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Old 08-09-2009, 10:59 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

Well, I said it before, and will say it again...because I tell myself everyday:
I'm taking everything 1 day at a time. My marriage is on a month-to-month lease, I might be in it forever, or it might be over at the end of the month. And, in two months Leonardo DiCaprio might fall in love with me and propose.
Everyday I try to put myself in a position of independence and beauty. I'm working on my health and working toward having my financial independence - if not a real salary, at least the mindset to know that IF I had to, I could make the tough choice.

Then, I also write the occasional break up letter. Its actually very scary how easy it is to write, how few words and few minutes could end my marriage. It puts things in perspective in a weird way and happily, I always decide to delete it.

Everyday is its own. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
And some people are in hospice dying of cancer with no family who would like nothing more than to not be in pain, and be able to walk around the block with their dog.
Perspective.
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Old 08-10-2009, 01:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Finding Happiness Again...

My recovery has been a long, continual process. I wish I can bottle and sell the prescription to achieve happiness. I had major depression and anxiety over things that happened about 2 years ago. I tried therapy, talking, writing, exercise, pursuing hobbies, and I still feel resentment and distrust. Two days ago I was in tears. Today, my proudest accomplishment is the New York cheesecake I baked. It changes every day. As hard as it is to do, just don't think about your problems. Dwelling on them tends to give it more power or attention, and we want the bad memories to fade. Good luck.
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