Re: Finding Happiness Again...
It is about a sea change. The way you live together needs to be close. Don't try to keep doing what you did befor and mix in something new, change the basic ingredient to togetherness.
Be there with each other and pay attention. To tell the truth there is no getting the trust back, there can just be building of new trust. There is no real getting back to the old you, there can only be a building of a new you that has accepted and forgiven.
My wifes wandering prompted me to get to know her and what motivated her more than I had before. I doubted what kind of person she was, if she was just at the whim of the situation she was in, or if I could trust her to defend our relationship against otherwise attractive situations. I had taken all this for granted for the length of our relationship to that point, but now I wanted to know what lessons she had learned from her previous relationships about the meaning of sex, of her worth and of whats necessary to maintain a relationship. What I found was a history of useing sex for revenge, men who would take advantage of her helplessness even at a young age, violence and trauma. When she got pregnant at 17 the father had already left her after cheating on her, so she knew how it hurt. She had never been required to resist temptation to preserve a good relationship, and when we started withdrawing attention from each other her instinct was to use sex to get attention, because that was the world she had always lived in. Of course there was physical attraction there too, but more than that was she found someone I treated her like she should be with. Cheating was her choice, but I contributed to providing the opportunity be not being interested in what she did, by not being with her. I understand that she is human. She wants to feel like the center of someones attention, and she wants that someone to be me, but if I take that away she gets lost. There is something I can do to make sure we have a good relationship, its just give her attention and make her feel like a queen, both inside and out.
I give you this long story to show that I rediscovered who my partner is because it had been shown that she was capable of more than I thought she was and I wanted to learn what I could do to make sure it didn't happen again. I changed what I do and my attitude about doing it, thats how I am able to trust again.
I love myself for finding a way to forgive the one person who said she would love me forever of the greatest sin she could commit against me. It's the one chance I have to live up to the purpose of the Great Sacrifice for me, and I am trying to live that plan.
Know your partner, know them more after they have fallen from the pedestal.